Work Can Be Rewarding

Work itself is the reward.  If I choose challenging work it will pay me back with interest.  At least I'll be interested even if nobody else is.  And this attempt for excellence is what sustains the most well lived and satisfying, successful lives.

                                                  ~ Meryl Streep

I am a big believer in working hard.  Besides getting a lot accomplished, working hard makes you challenge your brain and your talents to the best of your ability.  Dirty things become clean and disorganized piles of papers and clothes become organized.  Working hard can also give your mind something else to think about when you are processing your grief.

When my husband died a number of years ago, I continued to work outside the home because I needed to support myself and my son and it also kept me moving forward.  It brought structure into my daily routine at a time when most other things were constantly changing.  There were times when it was jarring; especially when it was time to leave work and go home.  For a split second while walking to my car, I would always think about calling my husband to tell him I was leaving and then I would remember that he was no longer here.

But work continued to be cathartic for me during that time and I was very happy to have it.  Given the ups and downs of the economy in the past several years, I'm still thankful to have a job.  I know there are some people who take their work to an extreme and lose themselves in it after they have experienced the loss of a loved one.  This is easy to do because you don't want to think about what is really going on in your life and constantly working helps you block the pain.  For my son's sake, I was careful to make sure I didn't go that way.

That said, it's important to do something you really love or something that makes you feel as though you are always learning something new.  I have a job where I work in an office downtown and I am paid to do that work.  But I am not paid to write this blog.  I write this blog because I enjoy it and because I need to write it.  I started Cry, Laugh, Heal in December 2010 to help people become more comfortable talking about grief and how you can rebuild your life after losing a loved one. 

People can tell if you approach your work with a certain amount of pride or if you could care less about what you do. I hope you can tell how much I love my readers and how much thought I put into trying to help others who are also on a grief journey.  I never want anyone to feel as though they are alone or that there is no hope for the future.  There is always hope!!!!!!!

Whether your work is mental, physical or a combination of both, it can feel so good to put in a hard day's work.  Once in awhile I do wonder what it would be like if I didn't have to work.  Of course, it would be great, but I would still need to find something meaningful to do.  I know I would still write Cry, Laugh Heal.

As the wise and wonderful Meryl Streep says, work can be a reward in itself especially when you achieve that "good tired" feeling.

Step By Step

When life deals you a blow, your first reaction is to withdraw and protect yourself.  You want to crawl under the covers, lock the doors and wait for the bad stuff to go away.  But guess what?  In the long run, that doesn't work.  Denial usually makes a situation a whole helluva lot worse.

There are lots of theories about why things get worse when they are ignored, but I think it happens because when you don't pay attention to your thoughts and feelings they build up like a pressure cooker.  At some point, the pot is going to explode.

You are in a terribly painful place when you lose someone who made you feel that your life was full of possibilities.  It can be one of life's lowest places.  You feel alone and numb.  You are in uncharted territory because the intensity of your new grief is unlike any thing you have ever experienced.  You are temporarily stunned and there was no way for you to prepare for it.

Yet, even as your world is being turned totally upside down, there is an unspoken expectation that you will handle everything and carry on as though you knew this was coming.  Hopefully, those who know you best will give you some time and space to work through your grief emotions.  I imagine that dealing with your grief in public may be slightly similiar to being a cancer patient.  Most people would rather not discuss cancer or death and most of the time you (the patient) end up trying to make other people feel comfortable while you are barely coping yourself.


I have found that taking baby steps can be a better way to go.  Working through your grief in little ways makes it less overwhelming and easier to handle.  When you find that processing your grief starts to become too much for you, then stop.  Come back to it later; your conflicting grief feelings and thoughts will still be there and maybe taking a break will allow you to approach it from a different point of view.

Pretty much all that you see and feel is your loss and how awful you feel.  You don't know how long this pain is going to last, if the pain is going to get worse, and if so, when it will get worse or how long you are going to feel this way.  That's where taking things in small increments is helpful.

It's ironic.  We have become a society where information about everything seems to be easily accessible and in your face.  People don't seem to care what they say while talking on their cellphones in public and will make anything their business while standing in line at the grocery store.  Yet grief is still in a category by itself.  It's almost as though the general public considers grief to be some kind of a disease or bad luck that they might catch if they spend too much time around you.

We know this isn't true, so ignore the reaction of others.  What's most important is to face your adversity in a positive manner because you can play more of a role than you may realize in steering your future and turning it towards the direction you want.  Whether it's prayer, exercise, talking to yourself or listening to tapes, there are lots of resources out there for you to choose.

All you have to do is start.  Today is a day that's never happened before.

Workshop For Grieving Teens -- Friday, Nov. 14

One in nine Americans has experienced the death of a parent before the age of 20, according to the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing in Washington, DC.

The first time I read that statistic, it made me pause.  That's a lot of children having their worlds turned upside down at a time when they need lots of love and stability.  Being a teenager is tumultuous enough.  Imagine the range of conflicting emotions the death of a parent, relative or close friend brings.  It's a chaotic time and children need to be dealt with gently but honestly when a parent or any other member of their family dies.  Telling them a "story" about  the person's death in order to protect the child or spare them pain will usually cause more emotional problems down the road because they will eventually discover the truth and then the reality of their situation may be even more traumatic.

Always answers teen's and children's questions honestly and directly.  If you don't know the answer, say that you don't have the answer for their question right now and you will try to find the answer for them.

As much as we might like it, there is no quick fix to feeling better.  The grieving process takes time and every child needs the space to grieve in their own way.

In response to the growing need for teens to explore the intense emotions that occur when they lose a loved one, the Wendt Center For Loss and Healing is sponsoring "Write It Out", a workshop for teens dealing with grief.

"Write It Out" uses poetry and the spoken word as a way to process grief.  Lead by spoken word artist and MSW Candidate, Laurie Blair, participants will be guided through a series of prompts to inspire poetry and prose as a means of exploring and expressing one's grief journey.  Participants will be invited to share their creations and explore the meanings and memories generated therein.

Pre-registration is required.  Please call the Wendt Center Intake Department at 202-204-5021.  The workshop will be held at Wendt Center's Northwest Office, 4201 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Suite 300, Washington, DC. 

When:            Friday, November 14, 2011

Time:              6-8 pm

Cost:              $20 (Scholarships are available.)

Website:        http://www.wendtcenter.org/