There Is A Season (Turn, Turn,Turn)

"Turn! Turn! Turn!," a classic pop song performed by the Byrds in the 1960's, has been playing in my mind recently.  The music was written by Pete Seeger and the lyrics were adapted from the Book of Ecclesiastes.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

Maybe it's the change in seasons dovetailing with graduations, weddings, engagements and milestone birthdays, but it feels as though the times, they are a changin'.

A time to be born, a time to die,

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time time to weep

My relatives and friends are transitioning into new chapters in their lives and it's exciting to watch as the occasions are marked with "pomp and circumstance," rings and vows and lots and lots of birthday candles.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn,Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

These events also remind me that life doesn't wait for you to get yourself together.  Whether you're ready or not, it's going to "keep on keeping on" and that's just the way that it is.

 

As a friend of my husband's used to say, "Life is not a dress rehearsal.  It's the real deal baby."

 

There are going to be many times when you need to take a break from the daily rush of life's activities after you have lost a loved one.  You'll need that break to evaluate what's happened, and slowly rebuild something new for yourself.  There may be many people who are uncomfortable with your grieving and want you to "get back to normal."

 

But guess what? 

 

There is no "normal" and you're not on anyone else's schedule.  No matter where you are in the process, you'll find that life is still out there waiting for you to jump back in and join it again.

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

You will always have your memories.  No one can change those for you.  It is important to hold onto them but not in an obsessive way.  Sadness may still exist for you, but with time you will gain more control over your emotions and become more confident about which way to go.

To Everything (Turn,Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn,Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

Mom is "WOW" Upside Down

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom and all the incredible Moms, GrandMoms and other women around the globe who do the most important job in the world!!  Some of you out there may disagree, but I challenge you to find another job that comes close to being as rewarding.

If your Mom is no longer with you, I hope the loving memories you have of her make you smile today.

Being a Mom is the journey of a lifetime.  From the bottom of my heart, I have cherished every minute of being a mother to my son who is now in college.  I will forever hold in my memory bank the moment when my husband and I first heard the heartbeat of our baby in the doctor's office during a sonagram.  All of my protective instincts instantly kicked into gear and it was a spontaneous bond that has and will last a lifetime.

When my son was about two years old, we were at the beach and my husband and I took him to an amusement park on the boardwalk.  We saw the ride where the small boats in shallow water go around in a circle and so did our son.  He loves the water and he really wanted to go on the ride so we buckled him into his boat and watched as he "drove" the boat around and around.  Of course, we waved every time we saw him as did all the other Moms and Dads.  As I watched the other parents making faces, waving and yelling to their children, I also recognized something else in that look; that loving and letting go look; that bittersweet moment of realizing that their babies were doing something on their own and that the moments with them were starting to go a little bit too fast.

Yes, being a mother is similiar to riding a rollercoaster but that's the beauty of it.  Taking care of and nurturing a child, guiding a child to know right from wrong, watching it develop and grow into an independent young adult is truly a wonderous thing.  Don't get me wrong.  There were plenty of times when I thought my brain would to turn to jello if I had to change another diaper, explain why we couldn't do something, wipe another nose or wait for sleep to finally arrive.  Do they ever sleep?  Do they ever stop talking or making messes?

Noooo, because they are children........And then, out of the blue, you get a big, messy spontaneous hug or kiss planted on you and that...is....PRICELESS.

One of the most surprisingly things I have experienced as a Mom is that I have learned from my son.  Mothering is definitely a two-way street.  I constantly see life through his fresh eyes and I am exposed to a point of view that sometimes makes me reconsider mine.  He has helped me temper my innate impatience -- and that is no small feat -- and most of all, he gave me a reason to rebuild my life after his father died.

For my own wonderful mother, I say "THANK YOU, THANK YOU" for continuously giving your patience, wisdom, generosity and the biggest gift of all -- your unconditional love.  I have no idea how you have found the time and energy to continuously juggle the needs and wants of six children who were born so close together that there is only seven years between the oldest child and the youngest child.  But you've done a first-class job and you have earned a special place in my heart and the hearts of my siblings.

HAPPY MOM, MAMA, MOMMY & MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Connecting The Dots

Grief is a lot of work.  I know that sounds ridiculous but it's true.

And some days I just don't want to deal with it.  Or be reminded of it.

Those days would especially include when I have to fill out a government or school form for my son or myself and instead of writing his father's name, I have to write in "deceased."  That hurts.  Or I get to pick from the selections of my status: single, married, divorced or widowed.  After eight years, you would think I would be used to answering these questions but it still pulls me up short.  It's really amazing how a question on a form can go to the heart of your being, even when you know that your life is so much more than the answer you give to that question.

My son's father is no longer living but that doesn't mean he didn't have one.  But if I write in his father's name then they will think he's still alive, which is not true.  So what brilliant person came up with a form that instantly negates such an important person in your life?

And I REALLY don't want to deal with it when someone I know comes up to me in the grocery store and asks, "Are you still working?  Really?  When are you going to stop?"  My first inclination is to ask them if they know about some pot of gold nearby where I can fill up my purse and haul ass to the bank but then I stop myself and try to put together some kind of polite response so I don't blow a gasket or sound like a marytr.

Let me connect a few dots:  grief knocks you down, beats you up and then goes on its merry way to touch someone else's life.  You are left in it's wake wishing you could talk or touch the person who has died.  There's a longing for a loved one's presence to share an emotion, whether it's love, laughter or even anger.  And then again, grieving can sometimes just be one long, hard slog of a fight to keep it all together and move forward.   One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.....

There is no formula for grieving because each person is unique and everyone adapts to loss differently.  I've often thought that life would be a lot easier if there was a "Rule Book for Happy Living" in the "Big Library of Life" where everyone could refer to it in times of crisis.  Hmmmmmm, let's see. . . How can I know that this is the right person for me?  How do I get over a breakup?  Should I take this job or not?  And the big question today -- How can I continue to rebuild my life and recover from a loved one's death?

Unfortunately, such a book does not exist anywhere that I know of.  If you happen to find it, please let me know.  Since nothing seems to prepare you for the process of grieving, trial and error seems to be the way that most people make their way through the pain.  In the meantime, we're all in this together and we can try to learn from each other's experiences, taking strength from what we need. 

The way you deal with losing a loved one depends on your personality, how long you were married or living together, what your economic situation was, whether you have children or not and if you have a career or not.  That's a lot of variables and I think that's good because despite other people's expectations, it gives everyone a lot of room to find their comfort zone in dealing with their situation their own way. 

Ultimately, you will find your own way, and make the best decisions you can, based on the circumstances of what you are facing.

The Twin Towers, the Pentagon & Flight 93

When President Obama officially announced on television late last night that Osama bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces in Pakistan, my thoughts went immediately to the relatives and friends of the thousands of people whose lives were lost in the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and Flight 93.

For almost ten years, these people have been trying to put the pieces of their shattered lives back together so that they may heal and perhaps build some kind of a future after having their loved ones violently taken from them.

 

I wondered how and what they were feeling now that bin Laden was confirmed dead:  relief, closure, happiness; maybe all of those things at the same time.  I'm pretty sure that as time has passed and each anniversary has been publicly marked, these relatives and friends have probably experienced every phase of grief and gone back again.

 

There is no official resting place for many of those lost in the catastrophic events of that day.  There is no cemetery marker for them to visit because there wasn't a body to claim and bury.  There is only the hallowed destinations of Ground Zero, the Pentagon and a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania where Flight 93 crashed.

Firemen, policemen, window washers, waiters, stockbrokers, investment bankers, pilots and flight attendants; all were living their lives and carrying out their normal daily routines unaware of the destruction ahead; unaware of Osama bin Laden's evil plan.  As New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said on the one-year anniversary:  ''They were our neighbors, our husbands, our children, our sisters, our brothers, and our wives. They were our countrymen and our friends. They were us.'' 

And the lives of those left behind to grieve were forever changed.

Each person who loses a loved one eventually comes to understand that they are on a personal journey that has no single path or prescribed time line.  Eventually, resilience can be learned and acquired for life.  Doctors say that good, strong relationships among family and friends and a sense of belonging to something bigger than yourself are essential in overcoming pain and suffering and starting the process of recovery.

Just as everyone remembers where they were when the tragic events of September 11, 2001 started  to take place,  most Americans will now also remember how they heard the long anticipated news that Osama bin Laden had finally been found and killed.  Neighbors and colleagues I talked to were filled with mixed emotions.  Initially, they were happy but then on reflection they were filled with sadness and fear for they said they know that the finality of this act for bin Laden doesn't put an end to the possibility of more acts of terrorism.

In Rome today, The Vatican issued a statement that came surprisingly close to striking the right tone:  "Osama bin Laden, as we all know, bore the most serious responsibility for spreading divisions and hatred among populations, causing the deaths of innumerable people, and manipulating religions for this purpose."

"In the face of a man's death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred."

Home Sweet Home -- Options For Housing Alternatives

For some reason, people think that becoming a widow and moving go hand-in-hand.  I'm not quite sure why this is, but it's one of the most common questions asked of a newly widowed person.  In fact, someone once joked that maybe realtors and funeral directors network off the same list of people.

I guess the questions, "When are you moving?" or "When are you selling your house?" are asked so often because people may be nervous about what to say around you so they end up blurting out questions like these.  Or maybe the questions are asked because it's hard for them to imagine that someone would voluntarily continue to live in a place they once shared with someone who is now gone.  Either way, newly-widowed persons are usually counseled to wait at least a year before making any life changing decisions, such as housing arrangements, unless financial circumstances dictate for them to do otherwise.

Unfortunately, finances can drastically change after a death in the family.  When a spouse dies and the other person cannot afford to maintain the current housing arrangement it is a double dose of sadness.  When this happens, the person who is already in the throes of trying to deal with the emotional ups and downs of losing a loved one then gets hit again by the reality of their new financial circumstances.  They have no choice but to move from the place they know as home, the place where they lived with the deceased person and shared a life.  Talk about stressed out!

Where to re-locate and live after a spouse's death is a dicey subject because you already feel vulnerable and the future is unknown.  Choosing among the options of independent living, assisted living or continuing care communities is not simple.  If there were only a Guide Book For A Happy Life where you could look up this kind of situation and it would give you the answer.  Wouldn't that be great?

I think it comes down to you deciding to do what you think is best for you and your particular needs.  Depending on your age, whether you work or not, the ages of your children, if you have any, your hobbies and interests, you have a lot of things to think about if you are considering a move.  Other options could include an invitation from your grown children to come live with them, or a move to a senior community to socialize with your age group and take advantage of the additional health and medical resources.  Of course, if it's at all possible, aging in your current place of residence can also be a very desirable goal.


Sibley Hospital/Widowed Persons Outreach Seminar on Options for Housing Alternatives

Presenter: Deborah Rubenstein, MSW, LICSW; Ms. Rubenstein is a clinical worker, attorney and Director of Consultation, Care Management and Couseling Services at IONA Senior Services, a community organization dedicated to supporting people as they experience the challenges and opportunities of aging.  She has over 15 years of experience as a geriatric care manager and psychotherapist working with older adults and their families.

When:  Wednesday, May 18, 2011 @ 1:00 PM to 2:30 PM

Where:  IONA Senior Services, 4125 Albemarle Street, NW, Washington, DC  20016 (one block from the Tenleytown/AU Metro Stop on the Red Line; http://www.iona.org/ or 202-895-9448.

Fee:  No Charge

Contact:  If you are planning to attend, please contact Ken Gordon, President, Widowed Persons Outreach, by email: kengordon@alum.mit.edu

Finding Your New Voice

I'm probably one of the last people to see the Academy-award winning movie, "The King's Speech," in a movie theatre before it goes to DVD, so please bear with me while I applaud this special film and what I learned from it.

This incredible movie tells the true life story of England's King George VI and his unexpected ascension to the throne; all the while desperately working to overcome a painful stutter.  The story works on so many levels it is hard to know where to begin but I think the story itself is so human and would still be powerful even if it were about George the Common Man instead of George the King of England.  You don't have to be royalty to be abused by a nanny, have a bad relationship with your father, or be made fun of constantly by an older brother.  These are just some of the emotional issues that contributed to George's stuttering and they could happen to anyone.

What "The King's Speech" shows us is George's constant courage and the friendship that develops with his extraordinary speech therapist, Lionel Logue.  By building up George's confidence and trust, Logue guides and coaches him until George eventually becomes a more confident public speaker thus finding his voice and leading Britian through a world war.

The idea of finding your voice is what stuck with me after seeing the film.  Finding, discovering or changing your voice at any time in your life is not an easy task but especially after the loss of a loved one.  Don't let the degree of difficulty intimidate you or stop you from trying.  Just as George plugged away at overcoming his stuttering, the work of grieving also needs to be done.  Yes, it is hard and yes, it does hurt but pain is part of the healing process.

Putting it off, trying to tamp it down within yourself or ignoring the pain will only make it worse.  Acknowledge the pain or it will come back to you at some point.  You have to know that eventually you will have to deal with it and resolve it in some fashion.  Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes.

Doctors now conclude that unresolved grief can surface years later as mental health difficulties, headaches, eating disorders or drug and alcohol dependencies.

Essentially, when you become widowed, you too are trying to find a new voice for yourself.  Much of your identity and routine were intertwined with your spouse and it's very hard in the beginning to know where to start.  In my case, I didn't have the luxury of trying to figure out which way to go.  I needed to keep working and I needed to raise my son.  So that was that and those two things took up all of my energy.  Every day was a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and just doing what needed to be done.

But for other widows and widowers whose children are raised and grown, I can see how hard it would be to try and figure out your new voice.  As one newly-widowed woman said, "Even though I was doing the same things as before, such as grocery shopping, everything was different; I was now only shopping for one.  In fact, when I tried to go to the store where my husband and I shopped together, I found that it was too difficult.  I had to change to a different supermarket in order to better care for myself."

Everybody finds different sources of support and you will too.  It could be through writing a journal or writing a letter to the person you loved and just lost.  Grief support groups are another important resource and can also be helpful.  By sharing feelings with others in the group, you learn you are not alone and others are also struggling to rebuild their lives.  You may also find that being with a particular person or people is soothing and helps you feel more connected.

 You will know what works best for you and in time, just like George, will find your new voice.

Two Special People

My thoughts today are filled with two special people whom I love very much.

One of them is in the hospital and is scheduled to have a surgical procedure today.  I wish I could be with her to hold her hand, tell her how special she is and how much she means to me and so many other people.  My prayers are with her as the doctors do their work to make her healthy again.

The other person, my husband, would have turned 80 years old today.  Happy Birthday O!  I know you are  in heaven  and I hope you're having a Boodles martini up with your birthday cake...or maybe it's a plum wine shooter with a creme caramel. . .