Thursday, May 23, 2013

Heaven

There's a place where we all want to end up. 

We know it by name but where is it?  Where is Heaven?

I was thinking about Heaven yesterday while attending the wake of a man who was one of my father's best friends.

This man was a good man, worked hard, had a wonderful wife and children and tried to do his best for others.  I'm sure he is in Heaven, wherever that is.

I'm also sure that other people that I knew and loved are in Heaven: my husband, all of my grandparents, my aunt and uncles and some friends.

I believe in Heaven but the idea of not knowing where it is nags at me.  It's a concept that rolls around in my head.  Maybe it is up above us, waaay up above us, but who knows? And what do they do there?  I imagine that people in Heaven are different ages, not the age they were when they died, and that they do things that they loved such as playing baseball, or having parties or being at the beach.
 
This is my idea of Heaven
 
I also like to think that they are with us and try to guide and help us.

I think not knowing where your loved one is located is one of the big frustrations about grief.  You are physically cut off from a loved one when they die and there's no way to find out where they are or even how they are doing.

Is it asking too much to know these things?  I don't think so.

I think it's the least they could do after leaving us.  They should at least call, email or text us about what's going on with them.  They must know that we wonder.  They must know that we think about them all the time.

People who have had near death experiences have described what has happened to them and that is probably the closest we will come to finding out what Heaven is all about.

A lot of people talk about seeing a bright light and also seeing people they know.  Katie Couric aired an episode on her daytime show addressing the subject of Heaven and interviewed people who had been through traumatic experiences and spoke of going to heaven and then coming back to their lives.  In an interview Katie Couric did with Dr. Mary Neal, Neal describes being trapped underwater for  15 minutes and losing consciousness.  Neals' description of heaven is of a place filled with love, a love we have not felt here.

Maybe your ideas about Heaven are completely different.  Please share if your thoughts if you would like to!

Here is the link to the Katie Couric interviews with Dr. Mary Neal and others:

http://www.katiecouric.com/on-the-show/2012/10/08/to-heaven-and-back/

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Socially Yours

Stories are constantly written about why we should strive to unplug from our computers, ipads, Smartphones and other electronic devices but I read a work colleague's Facebook post yesterday and was reminded of how amazing social media truly is.
 
I work with a young guy named Aaron Knights and he was at the incredibly tender age of seven when his beloved father died from cancer at the age of 38.  Think about that for a minute.  Think about what you were like when you were seven.  The idea of losing a parent at that stage of your life is profound and pretty scary, right?
 
They say that when you have a child you sometimes end up reliving moments of your own childhood in the process of raising your own child.  Now, Aaron's daughter is seven years old and Aaron said she is asking Aaron a lot of questions about his Dad and she wants to know things like: What was he like? Was he funny? What would you two do together?
 
Aaron added that recently he was putting his daughter to bed and they were talking about what happened at school when spontaneously, in only the way a seven-year-old could, his daughter directly said to him, "I wish your Daddy didn't get sick and die.  I wish there was no sickness in the world. . .ever!"



Aaron said he tries to be as honest with his daughter as he can (I would be crying) but he only has so many stories that he remembers of his wonderful Dad because he was so young when his Dad died.  He wanted more stories for himself and for his daughter and he posted on Facebook a simple query about how he misses his Dad every day and asked people who might have known his Dad to share their memories with him and his daughter.
 
Social media does offer vast human connections which can be impersonal but are also immediate.  At last count, Aaron received more than 75 responses to his question about his Dad which to me is amazing!
 
Without Facebook, Aaron would have had to sit down and write emails or letters or made telephone calls and then waited for something to arrive in the mail or someone to call back.

Talking about a loved one who has died is good for everyone who knew the person because the conversations and the sharing of memories continues to connect you to that person you lost.  You are also passing along or even trying to recreate that person so that others who never had a chance to get to know the person feel in some way that they too do know this loved one who meant so much.

My son and I always talk about his Dad, some of the weird things he would do or say and also some of the wonderful and treasured things he achieved as a writer and a reporter.  I talk to my friends about him too and they sahre their stories with me.  It just makes us feel better and we never tire of it.  He may not be with us physically but he will never leave our hearts.

Aaron did an extraordinary thing by posting his request for stories about his Dad on Facebook.  He was opening himself up to stories he might never have heard before and even though he wanted those stories, he knew it would be painful to hear them because it would make him miss his Dad even more.  But he chose to get a dialogue going and help his daughter understand what her grandfather was like.

Sometimes you should plug in!
 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Celebrity's Healing Breakfasts

When I was a young girl in elementary school, my favorite breakfast was a cinnamon twist doughnut and orange juice. 
 
My father was the "Doughnut Man" on Sundays and would ask me and my five siblings what kind of doughnuts we wanted and then he would bring them back for us warmed up in a large white baker's box.  I still have a thing for cinnamon cake doughnuts but I hardly ever indulge in those bad boys.
 
Here's the funny thing: after my father would get us doughnuts he would then make himself a cereal bowl full of Total cereal, lots of fresh fruit and wheat germ.  We, the smart aleky children, would laugh and look at his breakfast and turn up our noses and make fun of it, especially the wheat germ.
 
"Yuck, Dad! Whaaaaaat is that stuff you are eating?"
 
But my father was on to something that I finally learned for myself.
 
A great breakfast really sets you up for the day and can set the tone for how you're going to eat the rest of the day.
 
A Healing Breakfast
 
When you are going through a stressful time and trying to process a loss of any kind, the last thing you want to do is eat or even eat something that's healthy for you.  You want to eat something that's comforting and makes you feel better.  Even if it's only for the time that you are eating it.
 
Please don't.  Those things such as doughnuts are chock full of empty calories and empty promises because they leave you empty; with nutritious for your body to run on and build on.
 
Ironically, I have come full circle and almost eat the same breakfast as my father.  I found a cereal that's low in sugar, I put the freshest fruit I can find on top and then I pour almond milk over it.  I haven't converted to the wheat germ but I'm trying.
 
If that kind of a breakfast doesn't do it for you, here's how some celebrities wake up and eat their first meal in the morning:

--Justin Timberlake is a fitness buff and he told Bon Appetit that he eats two breakfasts.  The first one is eaten before he works out: waffles with flax and almond butter and a scrambled egg; then for post-workout, Justin has a protein shake and another egg.
 
--Khloe Khardashian is always watching her weight and she told People magazine that she eats cereal -- Kashi's GOLEAN with 2% milk and coffee.
 
--The "Call Me Maybe" hitster Carly Rae Jepsen told Bon Appetit that she has the same breakfast every day: vanilla yogurt with granola and fruit and sometimes some boiled eggs.
 
--"Dancing With The Stars" celebrity Stacy Keibler told People magazine that her breakfast is a smoothie made of organic fruit and veggies.

Take a step towards healing yourself and eat something your body will thank you for!!
 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Shrinks Redefine Grief

Grief is the normal, natural response to the death of someone you care about.
 
Grief happens because you connect with another human being through love.
 
But if it's up to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), people who experience the fundemental yet normal process of grief could be routinely diagnosed right away as in a major depression and then prescribed anti-depressants before they have even had a chance to try and work through their feelings of loss on their own.


 
That's because the APA is changing the definition of certain behaviors such as grief, hoarding and binge eating, among others, in the handbook that contains the guidelines psychiatrists use for diagnosing people. 
 
When I was in the throes of new grief, I may have made people feel uncomfortable in my reactions to daily life and I know I felt lost, but I also know my reactions were normal.  Yes, I cried and I felt pain and sadness but anyone would have felt the same way in the same situation.  I was trying to deal with the sudden death of my husband, becoming a single parent and all the emotional baggage that comes with that kind of a traumatic event.
 
It takes time to deal with pain.  No one wants to feel pain it but it is your body's way of telling you that you have been hurt.

Normal grieving is not a mental disorder.
 
According to Wikipedia, a psychiatrist specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders.  I did feel at times as though I was "losing it" while I was grieving but I also sensed that it was a feeling that would feel less raw as time went on.  Grieving that continues for years and progressively gets worse to the point that the person is immobilized and stuck and unable to move forward with their life is called complicated grief and it can require psychiatric help but not all the time. 
 
Psychiatrists are trained to try help us and improve our mental wellness, not take the easy way out and automatically write a prescription.  Medication prescribed to me in the beginning of my grief process might have made me feel better, but I don't it would have been helpful.  I think it would have been an artificial way of feeling better and that feeling eventually would have disappeared as soon as I stopped taking the medication.  Sooner or later, I would have had to work my way through the pain of grieving.
 
But maybe that's the APA's point: people sometimes don't want to do the hard or painful work and when that happens the APA is sending the message that it is ready with its prescription pad.

Please read the Associated Press story below and see what you think.

Shrinks, Critics Face Off Over Psychiatric Manual
by The Associated Press


CHICAGO (AP) — In the new psychiatric manual of mental disorders, grief soon after a loved one's death can be considered major depression. Extreme childhood temper tantrums get a fancy name. And certain "senior moments" are called "mild neurocognitive disorder."
 
Those changes are just some of the reasons prominent critics say the American Psychiatric Association is out of control, turning common human problems into mental illnesses in a trend they say will just make the "pop-a-pill" culture worse.
 
Says a former leader of the group: "Normal needs to be saved from powerful forces trying to convince us that we are all sick."
 
At issue is the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, widely known as the DSM-5. The DSM has long been considered the authoritative source for diagnosing mental problems.
 
 

 
The psychiatric association formally introduces the nearly 1,000-page revised version this weekend in San Francisco. It's the manual's first major update in nearly 20 years, and a backlash has taken shape in recent weeks:
 
— Two new books by mental health experts, "Saving Normal" and "The Book of Woe," say the world's most widely used psychiatric guide has lost credibility.
— A British psychologists' group is criticizing the DSM-5, calling for a "paradigm shift" away from viewing mental problems as a disease. An organization of German therapists also attacked the new guide.
— Even the head of the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health complained that the book lacks scientific validity.
 
This week, the NIMH director, Dr. Thomas Insel, tried to patch things up as he and the psychiatrists group issued a joint statement saying they have similar goals for improving the diagnosis and treatment of mental illness.
 
The manual's release comes at a time of increased scrutiny of health care costs and concern about drug company influence over doctors. Critics point to a landscape in which TV ads describe symptoms for mental disorders and promote certain drugs to treat them.
 
"Way too much treatment is given to the normal 'worried well' who are harmed by it; far too little help is available for those who are really ill and desperately need it," Dr. Allen Frances writes in "Saving Normal." He is a retired Duke University professor who headed the psychiatry group's task force that worked on the previous handbook.
 
He says the new version adds new diagnoses "that would turn everyday anxiety, eccentricity, forgetting and bad eating habits into mental disorders."
 
Previous revisions were also loudly criticized, but the latest one comes at a time of soaring diagnoses of illnesses listed in the manual — including autism, attention deficit disorder and bipolar disorder — and billions of dollars spent each year on psychiatric drugs.
 
The group's 34,000 members are psychiatrists — medical doctors who specialize in treating mental illness. Unlike psychologists and other therapists without medical degrees, they can prescribe medication. While there has long been rivalry between the two groups, the DSM-5 revisions have stoked the tensions.
 
The most contentious changes include:
— Diagnosing as major depression the extreme sadness, weight loss, fatigue and trouble sleeping some people experience after a loved one's death. Major depression is typically treated with antidepressants.
— Calling frequent, extreme temper tantrums "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder," a new diagnosis. The psychiatric association says the label is meant to apply to youngsters who in the past might have been misdiagnosed as having bipolar disorder. Critics say it turns normal tantrums into mental illness.
— Diagnosing mental decline that goes a bit beyond normal aging as "mild neurocognitive disorder." Affected people may find it takes more effort to pay bills or manage their medications. Critics of the term say it will stigmatize "senior moments."
— Calling excessive thoughts or feelings about pain or other discomfort "somatic symptom disorder," something that could affect the healthy as well as cancer patients. Critics say the term turns normal reactions to a disease into mental illness.
— Adding binge eating as a new category for overeating that occurs at least once a week for at least three months. It could apply to people who sometimes gulp down a pint of ice cream when they're alone and then feel guilty about it.
— Removing Asperger's syndrome as a separate diagnosis and putting it under the umbrella term "autism spectrum disorder."
 
Dr. David Kupfer, chairman of the task force that oversaw the DSM-5, said the changes are based on solid research and will help make sure people get accurate diagnoses and treatment.
 
Dr. Jeffrey Lieberman, the psychiatry association's incoming president, said challenging the handbook's credibility "is completely unwarranted." The book establishes diagnoses "so patients can receive the best care," he said, adding that it takes into account the most up-to-date scientific knowledge.
 
But Insel, the government mental health agency chief, wrote in a recent blog posting that the guidebook is no better than a dictionary-like list of labels and definitions.
 
He told The Associated Press he favors a very different approach to diagnosis that is based more on biological information, similar to how doctors diagnose heart disease or problems with other organs.
 
Yet there's scant hard evidence pinpointing what goes wrong in the brain when someone develops mental illness. Insel's agency two years ago began a research project to create a new way to diagnose mental illness, using brain imaging, genetics and other evolving scientific evidence. That project will take years.
 
The revisions in the new guide were suggested by work groups the psychiatric association assigned to evaluate different mental illnesses and recent research advances. The association's board of trustees decided in December which recommendations to include.
 
Advocacy groups have threatened Occupy-style protests and boycotts at this week's meeting.
 
"The psychiatric industry, allied with Big Pharma, have massively misled the public," the Occupy Psychiatry group contends. Organizers include Alaska lawyer Jim Gottstein, who has long fought against overuse of psychiatric drugs.
 
The new manual "will drastically expand psychiatric diagnosis, mislabel millions of people as mentally ill, and cause unnecessary treatment with medication," says the website for the Committee to Boycott the DSM-5, organized by New York social worker Jack Carney.
 
Committee member Courtney Fitzpatrick, whose 9-year-old son died seven years ago while hospitalized for a blood vessel disease, said she has joined support groups for grieving parents "and by no means are we mentally ill because we are sad about our kids that have died."
 
Gary Greenberg, a Connecticut psychotherapist and author of "The Book of Woe," says pharmaceutical industry influence in psychiatry has contributed to turning normal conditions into diseases so that drugs can be prescribed to treat them.
 
Many of the 31 task force members involved in developing the revised guidebook have had financial ties to makers of psychiatric drugs, including consulting fees, research grants or stock.
 
Group leaders dismiss that criticism and emphasize they agreed not to collect more than $10,000 in industry money in the calendar year preceding publication of the manual.
___
Online:
American Psychiatric Association: http://www.psych.org
Occupy Psychiatry: http://occupypsychiatry.net
Committee to Boycott the DSM-5 : http://boycott5committee.com

___
AP Medical Writer Lindsey Tanner can be reached at http://www.twitter.com/LindseyTanner

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Picturing The Calm

I'm picturing myself in a place near the water that is quiet and calm.

Shutting out the noise and distractions.

Hoping this feeling will carry me through the day!


Photo courtesy of Delaware National Estuarine Research


A Delaware Bay Haiku (c) KBC
 
Horseshoe crabs spawning
 
Lots of shorebirds arriving
 
The Bay inviting

Friday, May 17, 2013

White House Market Day Is Back!

The farmer's market near the White House is now open for business on Thursdays and I'm so happy that fresh fruits and veggies are close to my office for the picking.
 
 
I'm so proud of myself! I took these pics myself!

There was almost a party atmosphere as I arrived at the market today around 1 pm.  When I walked to the market area which is one block from the White House (www.freshfarmmarkets.org), there were almost 200 people shopping and sampling local produce.  People were spilling out of their office buildings, shaking off the cold weather, happy to be outside and become reaquainted with the farmers and other vendors they hadn't seen for months.
 
Browsing through the stalls today, I saw the season's freshest selections of kale, spring onions, baby cucumbers, leeks, beets, sweet potatoes and even some tomatoes.  I was really looking for strawberries but it is not yet their time.  I was told that it might be another week or two for ripe and juicy strawberries because Washington, DC had a bit of an unseasonable cold snap.
 
 
 
 
I came to the market for the opportunity to support local farmers and buy fresh produce but I also made a wonderful connection.  I was at the FRESHFARM Markets table looking for information about the vendors when a woman named Terry started chatting with me.  She asked if she could help me and I told her about Cry, Laugh, Heal and how I write about working through grief by trying to take care of yourself through exercise and eating healthy and generally staying resilient and positive.
 
She said she loved the name of the blog and she had experienced a time of laughing that turned into crying and then laughing again.
 
Terry said she was at a relative's funeral and this relative happened to be the kind of person who really liked playing jokes on people and making people laugh.  The person who got up to deliver the eulogy at her uncle's funeral walked to the front of the room to start talking.  Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, the speaker's zipper on his pants was unzipped.

People in the audience tried to make signals to him that he needed to zip up his pants and in the process of signaling, people began to laugh.  But then in the laughing they remembered they were at a funeral.  And then they started crying a bit but then they also couldn't stop laughing because the speaker was oblivious to his zipper being open.
 
EXACTLY!!  That's what's so great about the FRESHFARM farmer's market.  Every week is an opportunity to meet new people and share our stories about crying or laughing or healing.
 
Today I'm so glad to have met Terry and know that the farmers' healing fruits and vegetables are just a couple of blocks away for me for the rest of the summer and early fall!

Rock on farmers!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

What Am I About?

One of the presents that my insightful son gave me for Mother's Day is a book about blogging.

From the very first post I wrote, he has always been my biggest supporter.  I love it!

He is always asking me what I am going to write about and I run ideas by him to get a younger point of view and I also ask him for permission to write about him or something he said or did.  Some writers would disagree with requesting permission from him but I feel it is the polite thing to do and asking also prevents angry or hurt feelings. 

At 22 years old, my son has very good instincts about life plus he visits completely different websites than I do.  He is happy to give me a heads up about an idea that he thinks might translate into a timely post and I am glad he does.  He has given me some great ideas! And so has my son's book!

One of the first exercises the book suggests is to make sure that you know who you are as a blogger.  Are you a baker? A decorator? An athlete?  I am a little bit of all of those things but that's not why I chose to start writing my blog.

 
 
I started Cry, Laugh, Heal in December 2010 because my husband died in 2003 and I was raising our son by myself and working a full-time job.  I had spent two years attending a support group for widowed persons and then decided that I wanted to contribute to the online conversation about grief.
 
In the beginning, I only wrote once a week and I only wrote about grief.  As I started to work my way through some major grief feelings, I began to see that I was doing more than surviving and getting through a day.  I was slowly but surely, with the help of others, rebuilding my life.  It's not the life that I thought I would be leading, but it's a life I feel good about and a lot of it has to do with blogging.
 
I am still working a full-time job but I always find time to write.  I too am still working through my grief and just like you I need support.  In every post, I try to be as honest and as straightforward as I can be.  It is important to me to call things what they are, for that is when you truly start to untangle a feeling, a problem or a situation.  I love the comments that readers leave and I look forward to all the different kinds of feedback that blogging makes possible.

So to answer the question of the exercise in my son's book asking who are you as a blogger?  I am a widow, a mother, a former journalist and a dancer.  I love life and I try to do something every day that scares me, that challenges me and that I am passionate about.  I try to stay authentic about what grief is and how I deal with it; how sometimes it just pounds you down.
 
But you can't give in to the pain for there is so much in life to discover anew and it's usually on the other side of the pain.
 
Thank you so much awesome readers for visiting my blog, Cry, Laugh, Heal.

I'm not sure where life is taking me but let's travel together.