Life 101

Thank you Silver Pen for posting the following wisdom

 about life its' own self:

Paying Respects @WTC

On a bright and beautiful Sunday morning this past weekend in New York City, I finally had an opportunity to visit the memorial site for the World Trade Center.

With my brother, sister-in-law and their 12-year-old daughter, we took a taxi to the 8-acre site in lower Manhattan where the infamous Twin Towers once stood.  The site is deceiving because construction fences surround the area and you can't see the two black stone squares containing the waterfalls or even hear the waterfalls from the road.  It just looks like a regular construction site.

Getting to the memorial site is a multi-step process that involves a free ticket (you need to go online to make your reservation and print out your ticket before visiting the site) and then passing through a number of checkpoints where your entry ticket is scanned and then a larger security stop where you and everything else you own is placed in plastic tubs and run through a scanner.  Once you complete this security process, you gain entry to the historic site where you can then walk freely around the memorial and remember that fateful day when almost 3,000 people lost their lives to the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

Walking towards the black stone squares, I began to hear the sound of water falling.   It felt as though the water was buffering us from the everyday noises of the city and almost acting like a curtain, shutting out all distractions.  It is hallowed ground and people automatically lowered their voices and were respectful of each other's space as they visited.  As I began my journey to a place of quiet reflection, I thought of the horror of that day.  My relatives and I started talking about the names carved into the black stone surrounding the waterfalls -- the first responders, the people on the planes, the workers in the towers and also the people in the Pentagon who died that day. 

As New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says in the memorial's commemorative guide, the World Trade Center Memorial is "a reminder of the enormous loss suffered on 9/11, but (it) also is a symbol of hope for the future."  The hundreds of people who visited this past Sunday and future Sundays come to honor and pay their respects to the memories of those who lost their lives that day but we also come to see how this part of the city is recovering and rebuilding after the devastation of the Twin Towers collapsing. 

And isn't that what grieving and healing are about after all?  Your heart is devastated, you can't imagine any kind of future because your loss is so deep and so painful, yet you put one foot in front of the other and minutes turn into hours, hours into days and days turn into months and finally years.  It is a slow and steady process of allowing pain, anger, frustration and sadness into your life and then working through it enough to feel stronger, to rebuild and go on with your life.  It's about finding resilience within yourself.

I have found that it is possible to experience the loss of a spouse and to find my way to a different life.  There are moments when life is bittersweet but I think it is important to have faith and to be positive about your direction.  It is not a straightfordward process because one moment I found myself to be happy and then a wave of grief unexpectedly would cascade over me.  After nine years, I still struggle but I work hard to get on the other side of the pain.

I drew strength from the World Trade Center memorial, from the simple yet elegant design that draws you in and gives you a sense of hope and also from the names of the victims inscribed around the pools which are set in the footprints of the original Twin Towers.  I also found inspiration in listening to a video in the visitors centers that features people who survived 9/11.  Each heroic person talks about what happened to them on September 11 and how their lived dramatically changed.

In their own ways, these incredible people found an inner strength that allowed them to overcome their tragedy and gave them the will to carry on and slowly rebuild their lives.  Their message to all of us:  you must keep your heart open to love, for life can be profound in ways you can never imagine.

 

Emotional Spring Cleaning

I'm so happy that Spring is almost here!  I've already seen some cherry blossom buds tenderly opening and bursts of happy yellow and white daffodils in bloom around my neighborhood.  What a welcome sign that winter is finally coming to an end!  Part of my routine to get ready for this new and warmer season is cleaning the house and getting rid of items I no longer use or want. 

I take it as a healthy sign that every year as I open the windows, clean and change the house for warmer weather, I'm able to part with more things that once belonged to my husband.  I think it's okay or "normal" to keep a few precious items that belonged to your loved one when he or she was alive but not boxes and boxes of stuff.

In the beginning, I kept a lot of his clothes because I wasn't sure whether my son or others would decide later on that they wanted a particular item for themselves.  He owned a ton of ties and shall we say some of them were rather spirited and colorful just like him.  Yes, his ties were legendary.  For the most part, people eventually received what they wanted and now I have donated many items to a men's homeless shelter.  I think my husband would have liked this idea.

I still have lots of pictures, postcards and some letters written in my husband's handwriting because I find it comforting to look at his distinctive script.  I also saved his wristwatch and a few other personal things but that's about it for material possessions.

Holding on to a loved one's possessions is a tricky area because it can become unhealthy and the inability to give possessions away can hold you back from moving forward with your life.  According to Dr. Rita Freedman, grieving, for some people, can become a habit that is "just as compelling and satisfying as any addiction."

Freedman, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of several books, including, "Overcoming Loss: A Healing Guide," says that "letting go" is an active process that has many aspects.  It can involve letting go of objects, as well as anger, guilt and some of life's established routines.

"You may have some painful decisions as you start sorting heirlooms from junk, sweet momentos from simple clutter," Freedman says.  "To grow beyond loss you must carve out some new space in your life."

So as we spring forward this weekend and go back on daylight savings time, think about some of things you have been keeping.  Do you really need them?  Are there things you could discard?  Making this new space is scary but in searching for it you may find a new energy or new calm within yourself.

Moving Forward With Others

Award winning actresses Viola Davis (left) and Octavia Spencer (right)
in a scene from the Academy Award nominated film, "The Help"

"The person who tries to live alone

will not succeed as a human being.

His heart withers if it does not answer

another heart.

His mind shrinks away if he hears

only the echoes of his own thoughts

and finds no other inspiration."

          -- Pearl S. Buck

Walking & Wandering

I was walking downtown the other day and started to think about what it would be like if I ran into my husband.  I know, I know.  There is no way that I am going to suddenly see my husband casually walking down K street or any other street near my office or my home but this is how your mind works sometimes after you have lost someone you love whether it's a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend.

Granted, my husband died eight years ago but sometimes when I'm walking my mind wanders and one thought leads to another and then I start to get thinking about things that happened years ago and then I just really want to see HIM; not his picture; or some mental image that I call up from memory.  But the real live person.  And even though I know that's not going to happen, for some reason my brain or my memory bank hasn't completely computed this concept of finality.

You probably are surprised that this whole "missing the person" thought process happens after all these years and I'm surprised too.   It used to happen a lot right after his death.  Now it comes and goes in a different way but it still catches me off guard.  Eight years is a long time and that seems like it would be enough time for your brain to wrap itself around this life changing loss don't you think?  I know you're nodding with me in agreement!

Oh well....I don't feel this way just about my husband.  Sadly, various friends and relatives have died over the last several years and every now and then I think of them and want to see them too.  The feeling of wanting to see my husband is stronger than the feelings I have about other people who have died but I think everyone reaches a point of thinking, "Okay you've been gone long enough.  When am I going to see you again?"

I think this may be one of the reasons why people find it hard to understand why you're not "over it."  It's because you don't get "over it."  It's not like the chicken pox or poison ivy.  You learn to live with it.  You learn to go with it.  You learn to put it in a mental box and lock it up for awhile and then bring it out every once in a while when you're feeling strong. 

The road to healing for me is winding and bumpy.  I know I am going in the right direction.  I am going forward with my life.  I am living my life, socializing, working, making plans but then a memory or a feeling will suddenly trigger my desire to see my husband.  Not my husband as he was when he was very sick but my husand the way he was when we first married.

I am always working on letting go of the way my life used to be because it is my life.  It's a life that I used to share with my husband but now that is gone and I work very hard all the time to push through to the other side of loss because you have to.  You have to accept and find balance.

But it's almost impossible to stop your brain from wandering.  

Happy Friday!

I'm feeling better as I recouperate from the cold and cough that kicked in at the beginning of the week so thank you for your good thoughts.  Plus it's Friday so that automatically doubles the goodness!

I hope everyone is looking forward to the weekend and even if you don't have any specific activity planned, quiet time can be good and so essential in building up mental reserves.  Or maybe I'm thinking of my own need for peace and quiet and restful times. 

As we work our way through Friday and slide into the weekend, here's a beautiful poem I found on The Silver Pen (www.thesilverpen.com): 

ONE

Something To Think About

In the midst of your grieving, be patient with yourself and others

and

do something kind for yourself each day.

Be sure to ask for help when you need it.

You are loved!