When In Doubt

If you have ever have doubts about talking to someone you hardly know about a recent loss in their life, please think twice about ignoring the subject.

 

You may think you are doing the person a favor by not mentioning their loss or the name of the loved one that died, but it doesn't really work that way.

 

Acknowledging is important and helpful to you, and more importantly, to the person experiencing the loss.  It's extending sympathy or compassion and even though it may be hard to do, it's something that needs to be done.  So take a deep breath, remind yourself that you an adult and proceed.  Think about the person who is suffering rather than your discomfort.  If the death has happened to someone you know well, perhaps you can give them a hug, say you are sorry that they are going through a painful time and listen to what they want to say.

 

If the loss has happened to a work colleague that can be tricky.  But it is still just as important to acknowledge what has happened to this person.  If you can't seem to find the right words to say, then you can always give them a card with a short note.

 

To understand the bereaved person's point of view, here is a short letter that someone who did not want to be named wrote to The Washington Post's advice columnist Carolyn Hax:

 

"When I returned to work after my dad's funeral, everybody avoided me like crazy.  I guess they thought I would burst into tears if they even said hello.  Who knows, maybe I would have.  I felt so sad, so alone and isolated.  His obituary had been e-mailed to everyone , so all details were known.

 

After lunch on my first day back, I slipped off to an empty conference room to collect my thoughts, and a man I only know marginally saw me go in.  He came to me and started this conversation: 'I was so sorry to hear about your dad.  I didn't know he was a music teacher!  Tell me about him!' I was so happy to have someone to talk to about him.  We talked for about 20 minutes about my dad.  Yes, I cried a little.  But at that moment, that was what I needed so much.

 

After a funeral, everyone goes back to their lives, what they were doing before -- and the family who has lost their loved one is completely lost and directionless.  This man, who hardly knew me, reached out for just a moment and cared.   I still run in to him periodically at work and can't tell you how much his gesture, at that moment on that day, helped me to cope."

Psychologists often cite isolation as one of the main dangers while grieving.  Reaching out can make a difference.

 

An Honest Dialogue

After a loss, people often feel that they have no resources.

 

They feel they have no one to talk to about the extreme pain they are feeling.

 

A little over two years ago, I launched Cry, Laugh, Heal as a place where people could go to read and discuss grieving and say to themselves, "I'm not alone.  Someone else gets it."

 

Because in the end, no one ever wants to feel alone.

 

Since starting the blog I have written about grief and about the crucial process of trying to put the pieces of your life back together after the death of a loved one has blown it apart.  Besides grief, I have also explored the topics of nutrition, friendship, humor, honesty and raising a child by yourself after the death of a spouse.  Grief is a multi-dimensional issue and I think the above topics are but a few of the many handy-dandy tools that are related to surviving a loss.

 

I have found that an important part of grieving in a constructive way is acknowledging it, facing it head on and not running away from it and all of the shock and pain it causes.  Calling it what it is is soooo important.

Another crucial part of the grieving process is to reach out to others.  Do not be afraid to talk about your grief.  I'm not saying it's a 24/7 topic.  No topic can be talked about all the time.  But don't be afraid to say to someone you know who cares about you, "I feel awful" or even "I'm scared.  I have no idea what's going to happen next."

 

You will connect.

 

As did this very brave woman who is the subject of today's post.  Her final connection is truly powerful and was written about recently in the New York Times.  This woman found an inner peace and was not afraid to talk about what was happening to her.  Her story is raw yet she is courageous in an unprecedented way, giving of herself, reaching out and sharing until the end.

 

Please read this incredible story, share it and talk about it:

Martha Keochareon

As Nurse Lay Dying, Offering Herself as Instruction in Caring

By ABBY GOODNOUGH

The New York Times, Thursday, January, 10, 2013

SOUTH HADLEY, Mass. — It was early November when Martha Keochareon called the nursing school at Holyoke Community College, her alma mater. She had a proposal, which she laid out in a voice mail message.

      

“I have cancer,” she said after introducing herself, “and I’m wondering if you’ll need somebody to do a case study on, a hospice patient.”

      

Perhaps some nursing students “just want to feel what a tumor feels like,” she went on. Or they could learn something about hospice care, which aims to help terminally ill people die comfortably at home.

      

“Maybe you’ll have some ambitious student that wants to do a project,” Ms. Keochareon (pronounced CATCH-uron) said after leaving her phone number. “Thank you. Bye.”

 

Please click on this link for the whole story:

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/11/us/fatally-ill-and-making-herself-the-lesson.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hp