Re-Shuffle Please

Alex Katz Painting

The amazing thing about grieving is that it blows all the unimportant stuff right out of the water.

It immediately rearranged my priorities and what I once thought was important wasn't anymore.  New stuff appeared at the top of my priorities list after my loss.  Things I thought were important suddenly didn't matter, and other things I didn't seem to have time for before, I now made time to do. 

Life dramatically changed, life tragically changed and everything mixed together and changed its order.  Life re-shuffled.  I now have a different perspective on life because I saw how quickly life can turn itself around and how you shouldn't take anything for granted.  Instead, I know that I need to grab life and go for it!

When life deals you a blow, your first reaction is to withdraw and protect yourself. You want to crawl under the covers, lock the doors and wait for the bad stuff to go away all on its own. But guess what? That doesn't work.

In fact, denial can sometimes make a situation a whole helluva lot worse. I think it gets worse because ignoring a situation allows your thoughts and feelings to build up and build up instead of working through the pain.  I know it's scary but think of working through your grief pain like pulling off a band-aid.  Doesn't it hurt more when you pull the band-aid off slowly?

For me, this is where the joking comes in.  I tend to make jokes when I get overwhelmed by life because it's a great coping mechanism, tension breaker and it allows me to find joy when there doesn't seem to be any. 

I know that's not always the most effective way to deal with a situation, but cracking a joke can make something more manageable and it brings the situation into perspective; as in maybe the situation's not as serious as others think it is.

If I cook something and it doesn't taste right, I try to correct it and if it still doesn't taste right, then I let it go.  If my child comes home with a bad haircut, I'm annoyed, but then I say, "It's only hair"  and then I try to let it go.  Okay, so the grass didn't get mowed today.  I will get to it.  But I really try not to obsess anymore.  Are these truly the most important things in life?  Ten years from is anyone going to care?  I don't think so.

Sometimes you have to re-shuffle your priorities.  

Be open to spontaneity...Be in the moment...Especially today.

Laughing & Crying

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart

don't know how to laugh either”― Golda Meir

Have you ever laughed so hard you started to cry or cried so hard you started to laugh?

For me, I'm usually crying and then it somehow I'm laughing.  I've discovered there's a thin line between the two and no one can tell you where and when one side is going to spill over into the other.  You don't intend for this to happen but when it does, and it's happened to most of us, the two emotions melt together and God only knows where you are.  Getting a grip is truly elusive but it's also short lived.

The world can be one topsy turvy mess and when you're crying/laughing it's as if you inside a snow globe and somebody came along and gave it a couple of strong and unexpected shakes.  Everything feels free floating: memories, time and emotions.

But through our tears and smiles we have the resources to create meaning again in our lives.  Are we doing something wrong when we suffer a loss and find something funny?  Is it proper to joke about someone's death?  Should we feel guilty as we begin to enjoy our friends and family again?

According to veteran comedian Joan Rivers, the answer is no.

Rivers husband, Edgar Rosenberg, committed suicide in 1987.  He was found dead in a Philadelphia hotel room where Rosenberg overdosed on Valium and alcohol.  Rosenberg's suicide happened shortly after she had decided to leave Johnny Carson and The Tonight Show and become host of a rival late-night program on the Fox network.

Rivers has said in interviews that it was a troubling time for their daughter, Melissa, and herself.  She even had thoughts of suicide herself.  Rivers says there is much she doesn't understand about her husband's depression and his decision to end his life, however, she knew she couldn't spend the rest of her life fixated on sorrow. 

Rivers eventually turned her life around (I sometimes watch her sell her jewelry on QVC) and now she helps others cope with their losses by drawing on her own pain and talking about steps to take to help life improve.  In her book, "Overcoming Loss," Dr. Rita Freedman recounts how Joan Rivers speaks to theaters full of grieving people and loosens them up by first asking everyone to participate in a spontaneous exercise.  Each person has to turn to the person next to them and they all have to say the same words out loud: "I'm so very glad that..."

Then she waits for everyone to finish talking.  After a short pause, Joan Rivers completes the sentence for them ..."I'm not you!"  Everyone is always surprised by her choice of words but everyone always laughs!

Rivers is all too aware of the swings of emotions each person is feeling as she addresses them but doesn't let that stop her from motivating them to take a step and try to move forward.  Rivers tells them they are each entitled a "weekend of wallowing."  For two whole days each of them should list every terrible thing that has ever happened to them, and feel sorry for themselves.  But on Monday, Rivers says, they must start a new list of all the positive things in their life.

Rivers is a wise woman.  She knows that change is constant and life is full of joy and tragedy. 

You really have no idea what the future will bring.  It all comes down to being hopeful because as sure as the sun rises everymorning, slowly but surely you will feel stronger and more comfortable with your new life.

My wish for you is to have more smiling and laughing days than any other kind of days.