Tossing Emotional Baggage

A spilled box of cereal this weekend took me through an unexpected, yet healthy exercise.

 

While trying to do too many things at the same time in the kitchen, I spilled a box of cereal inside one of my kitchen cabinets.  Don't you hate it when that happens?

 

It was such a klutzy move and right away I was annoyed with myself.  I looked at the shelf with the cereal spilled everywhere inside the cabinet and knew I was going to have to take everything out and vacuum the shelf.  Damn! What a pain!

 

I knew the sooner I started the sooner it would be over.  While muttering to myself, one by one I pulled all the items from their shelves and put them on the counter and on the floor.  Of course, you know what happened next.  One cabinet led to another cabinet and before I knew it, I had a full fledged kitchen project going of vacuuming the shelves, throwing out expired stuff and relining the shelves.

 

But in the process of cleaning, I came upon an old yet distinctive jar of Ovaltine.

 

 

There's only one person in my family who used to drink Ovaltine and that person was my husband, who is no longer with us.  Sad to say and embarrassed to admit, but that jar of chocolatey malted powder has sat there in the back of the cabinet for almost nine years.  I know.  Nine. Years.

 

I would see the jar but not really see the jar if you know what I mean.  There were times when I would scold myself and say "This is ridiculous!  Why are you holding on to this Ovaltine?"  But there was something about it and I couldn't bring myself to toss it in the trash can.  It just reminded me of him so much.  It was his thing.  And no, I did not open the jar.  God knows what I would have seen!

 

You know how they say that deciding what to give away and what to keep is a hard process when going through a loved one's belongs after they have died?  Well, that is true but in this case I think I went too far.  It was only a jar of Ovaltine and yet it sat there for ages.  I guess it was a reminder to me of my husband and it didn't seem like a big deal to keep it in the cabinet.

 

But I did hold the jar in my hand for a long time before I threw it away.  I allowed myself to go backwards in time, to a time when we went grocery shopping together and he would always throw a jar of Ovaltine into the cart, a time when he would mix the Ovaltine into a tall glass of cold milk and talk about delicious it was, to a time when Ovaltine was supposed to make him feel better when he was sick.

 

Who knows why I was ready to throw the Ovaltine away on Saturday!  Maybe it was because I was throwing other stuff away and felt like I was on a roll to declutter or maybe I was just ready to see it for what it was: an old jar of Ovaltine.

 

I surprised myself by my inability to let go of such a simple item.  Some things that belonged to my husband I very easily discarded, donated or threw away.  Just because the jar is gone doesn't mean I threw away the memories too.

 

Laughing & Crying

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart

don't know how to laugh either”― Golda Meir

Have you ever laughed so hard you started to cry or cried so hard you started to laugh?

For me, I'm usually crying and then it somehow I'm laughing.  I've discovered there's a thin line between the two and no one can tell you where and when one side is going to spill over into the other.  You don't intend for this to happen but when it does, and it's happened to most of us, the two emotions melt together and God only knows where you are.  Getting a grip is truly elusive but it's also short lived.

The world can be one topsy turvy mess and when you're crying/laughing it's as if you inside a snow globe and somebody came along and gave it a couple of strong and unexpected shakes.  Everything feels free floating: memories, time and emotions.

But through our tears and smiles we have the resources to create meaning again in our lives.  Are we doing something wrong when we suffer a loss and find something funny?  Is it proper to joke about someone's death?  Should we feel guilty as we begin to enjoy our friends and family again?

According to veteran comedian Joan Rivers, the answer is no.

Rivers husband, Edgar Rosenberg, committed suicide in 1987.  He was found dead in a Philadelphia hotel room where Rosenberg overdosed on Valium and alcohol.  Rosenberg's suicide happened shortly after she had decided to leave Johnny Carson and The Tonight Show and become host of a rival late-night program on the Fox network.

Rivers has said in interviews that it was a troubling time for their daughter, Melissa, and herself.  She even had thoughts of suicide herself.  Rivers says there is much she doesn't understand about her husband's depression and his decision to end his life, however, she knew she couldn't spend the rest of her life fixated on sorrow. 

Rivers eventually turned her life around (I sometimes watch her sell her jewelry on QVC) and now she helps others cope with their losses by drawing on her own pain and talking about steps to take to help life improve.  In her book, "Overcoming Loss," Dr. Rita Freedman recounts how Joan Rivers speaks to theaters full of grieving people and loosens them up by first asking everyone to participate in a spontaneous exercise.  Each person has to turn to the person next to them and they all have to say the same words out loud: "I'm so very glad that..."

Then she waits for everyone to finish talking.  After a short pause, Joan Rivers completes the sentence for them ..."I'm not you!"  Everyone is always surprised by her choice of words but everyone always laughs!

Rivers is all too aware of the swings of emotions each person is feeling as she addresses them but doesn't let that stop her from motivating them to take a step and try to move forward.  Rivers tells them they are each entitled a "weekend of wallowing."  For two whole days each of them should list every terrible thing that has ever happened to them, and feel sorry for themselves.  But on Monday, Rivers says, they must start a new list of all the positive things in their life.

Rivers is a wise woman.  She knows that change is constant and life is full of joy and tragedy. 

You really have no idea what the future will bring.  It all comes down to being hopeful because as sure as the sun rises everymorning, slowly but surely you will feel stronger and more comfortable with your new life.

My wish for you is to have more smiling and laughing days than any other kind of days.