Sympathy Cards

I recently needed to send a sympathy card to a good friend and found myself in the confusing state of not knowing what to say.  Really, I didn't.  It was a struggle to get my thoughts on paper.

I opened the card and started to write and stopped.  Maybe I was overthinking what to say, but everything I came up with sounded so trite.  Of course, I was sorry and very sad about the person's death but the words that I thought would be appropriate just didn't seem to send the message I wanted.  "Sorry" just didn't seem to cut it.  Not when I knew how much the other person was hurting and how difficult it was going to be to adjust to this loss.

If I could have, I would have drawn a picture of the person's broken heart with my arms around it.  There truly are circumstances when words don't seem deep enough, warm enough or comforting enough to use. 

I decided to refer to a book I use at work for business correspondence called, "Great Letters for Every Occasion."   It's written by Rosalie Maggio and I use it because I like her down-to-earth approach to correspondence.  This time I turned to her chapter on Sympathy and Condolence letters and found some helpful guidance on what to say and what not to say.

In trying to offer support to a bereaved person, I think both parties are at a strong disadvantage.  The person offering comfort is afraid they are going to upset the bereaved person and the bereaved person is shocked and emotionally exhausted.  It's a tricky area.  Even so, I can't imagine that people say some of the things that Maggio cites as comments you should AVOID saying.  Here's a few:

-- Keep busy, you'll forget.
-- Be thankful you have another child.
-- Be happy for what you had.
-- You'll get over it.
-- She is out of her misery at least.
-- I heard you're not taking it well.

Maggio also says that you shouldn't rely on well-meaning but hurtful cliches, false cheerfulness and optimistic platitudes.  If you're not sure what any of those things are to avoid, Maggio is specific:

--In a Reader's Digest article, "An Etiquette for Grief," Crystal Gromer says, "In the context of grief, cliches are simply bad manners. . . . 'At least he didn't suffer,' people say. 'At least he's not a vegetable.'  Any time you hear 'at least' come out of your mouth, stop.

--Creating an imaginary worse scenario doesn't make the real and current one better.  It trivializes it.  Lynn Caine (Widow) wrote, "It infuriated me to have people say, 'I know you'll be feeling better soon.'  I wanted people to sympathize with how terrible I felt then and there.

--Lynn Caine says most of the condolence letters she received were more about the writer's awkwardness, discomfort and inadequacies than about her sorrow or their shared loss.  There is a fine line between expressing your sorrow and dramatizing your own reactions, Caine adds.

Instead, Maggio offers suggestions on what is helpful to say:

--My heart goes out to you as you grieve the loss of your (insert the person's relationship to bereaved)

--I send you my deepest sympathy on (insert the person's name)

--It was with a profound sense of loss that I learned of (insert the person's name)'s death.

--We are all grieving with and for you.

--You have our deepest sympathy and our love and friendship always.

Even though it may be one of the hardest notes to write, don't ever under estimate the power of sending sympathy whether it's a card or a letter.  It is always welcome.

Monday Music -- Owen Danoff's Drive By

Let's start off a new week with a new cover just recorded by the always talented Owen Danoff.  The song is Train's Drive By and after you watch Owen's performance you'll definitely look at your kitchen differently.  Please check out Owen's other great songs on YouTube.  Also, congratulations to Owen Danoff for his two WHAMMYS nominations announced last week!!!  Go Owen!

Good Karma

Photo by Eileen Milner

I am not a Buddhist but I do believe in karma.  Building up good karma in the great big 'ole universe of spirituality reminds me of what Catholics think of as corporal and spiritual works of mercy.  Karma is the universal law of cause and effect.  Most people try to do good deeds because it makes them feel they have helped someone else and also because it's the right thing to do.  When it comes to doing bad things, we all try our best to minimize the bad karma we put out there.  It sounds so simple yet it's not.  I think about my reactions to those who annoy me and to those who fray my patience.  No bad karma out there, riggghhhttt? (I'm breathing and thinking peaceful thoughts).

Buddhists believe that karma is the result of our own past actions and our own present doings.  We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery.  We create our own Heaven.  We create our own Hell.  We are the architects of our own fate.  That's a lot of responsibility, right?

His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama, says there are 20 things that you can do to get good karma and build a happier and more fulfilling life.  Here you go:

1.  Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2.  When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3.  Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.

4.  Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5.  Learn the rules so you know how to break them.

6.  Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7.  When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8.  Spend some time alone every day.

9.  Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good honorable life.  Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.  Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your  knowledge.  It is a way to achieve immortality.

15.  Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17.  Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18.  Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19.  If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

20.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Music Heals Soldier's Souls

Music is a powerful medium that touches the human soul.

This link will take you to a compelling story featured in today's Washington Post.  I'm sharing the link because the story shines a light on the healing effects of music for veterans trying to overcome their traumatic memories of war.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/military-veterans-seek-support-and-release-through-music-at-lifequest-arts-camp/2012/01/23/gIQAeRcMQQ_story.html

Kale-Full

If kale is so good for you then why does it taste so bad?

I am trying to eat more kale this year because everywhere I look I see articles about the incredible health benefits of eating more kale.  Kale is that dark leafy green vegetable that you find in the same section of the grocery store where the lettuce is shelved.  It looks like it would taste good but it's deceiving.  At least it is to me.

According to WebMD, kale is a powerful antioxidant, kale is high in fiber, kale has zero grams of fat, kale lowers cholesterol, kale is super rich in vitamin K.  Eating a diet rich in the powerful antioxident vitamin K can reduce the overall risk of developing or dying from cancer, says a study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.

Kale is the superstar of vegetables and I'm a fool not to eat more of it.

Taking care of yourself by watching what you eat and resting helps you heal.  Listen to your body, and learn to be aware of its stress signals.  When you are feeling anxious about your circumstances, try to relax by closing your eyes, taking deep breaths and keeping your breathing regular. 

I want to like kale, I really do.  But the flavor is so strong, and to me, it's not in a good way.  I smell the kale before I even try to eat it and I am so turned off that I have to remind myself that kale is good for me in order to continue.  I tried coating it in olive oil and spreading it out on a baking sheet and baking it to make kale chips but I thought it tasted awful.  It was so yucky that I had to spit it out.  I couldn't stand the taste.

Tonight I am going to try my sister's suggestion of mixing the kale leaves with olive oil and sauteing it with some garlic.  Now that might make it taste A LOT better because I love garlic.  I certainly hope it's better because I have to find a way to eat more of this great vegetable.

What are your favorite ways to eat kale?

Gabby's Message



Rep. Giffords hugs Daniel Hernandez, the former intern who saved her life.

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords is a class act.

This past weekend we heard the sad news that Giffords has decided to resign from her congressional seat this week, a little over a year after she was shot in the head at a constituent event in Tucson.  If not for the shooting, Gifford's life would have followed a different course: she had planned to begin fertility treatments and she wanted to run for the Senate.

Giffords doesn't talk about her plans that have been put on hold.  Instead, she courageously moves forward, thanking people for their support and uniting us to do more.

While many of us would prefer to see her stay in office and continue her rehabilitation while serving as a member of Congress, that might not be the smartest thing for her to do from a health perspective.  Congressional schedules are grueling and  unforgiving.  I think she respects her congressional office too much to do it halfway.  

Earlier this month, Giffords and her retired astronaut husband, Mark Kelly, marked the one-year anniversary of her shooting in Tucson, AZ.  "I don't remember much from that horrible day, but I will never forget the trust you placed in me to be your voice," Giffords said in a video she posted online on Sunday.

I am taking her decision to focus on getting stronger as a sign of hope.  She says she will return and I believe her.  We need more people like her to pursue public service.  She is an incredible woman full of determination and a heroic mixture of strength and vulnerability.

Go Giants!

NBC Sports

I'd like to give a big shout out to the New York Giants who yesterday defeated the San Francisco 49ers and now are going to the Super Bowl!!!!!

I know my husband is up there with a big smile on his face, celebrating in his own heavenly way.  It's funny how many text messages I received while watching the game commenting about his supposed involvement with the Giants as though he could make the game go one way or the other.  But once the championship game went into overtime, even I was shouting for him to do something to help the Giants win.

We all have our own ways of staying connected to our loved ones who have died and I will always connect the Giants to my husband.  There are times when I turn a Giants football game on just to bring back those memories of him shouting at the television and giving his own commentary.  He was a hardcore fan who took each game personally and when they lost there was nothing right with the world.

That's why I know that he is very happy right now.   My husband would always say that the Giants never made it easy to be a fan and yesterday's game proved his point.  The score was tied 17-17 as they went into overtime.  You wanted to watch but you couldn't watch.  The Super Bowl was on the line.  Then Lawrence Tynes kicked a 31-yard field goal almost eight minutes into overtime to give the Giants a 20-17 victory over the San Francisco 49ers in the N.F.C. Championship game.

Go Blue!!!  Now we go to the Super Bowl to defeat the New England Patriots, a rematch of the Super Bowl four years ago.  As my husband would say, "May the best team win and you know what I mean!"