A Listening Binge

For the past several weeks, I have been on a listening binge and it feels healing.

 

There are a number of family members and friends who are going through various kinds of difficult personal situations and, in trying to be helpful, I have been listening to what they tell me they want to talk about, in particular what it feels like to be in their crisis, what they really wish they could do to solve it and how frustrating it is to have the situation go on and on.

 

Listening may seem as though it is a passive activity but it is definitely not.  I'm not just sitting in my chair staring vacantly at the person talking and letting my eyes roam around the room, thinking about something else that is totally unrelated to the person's thoughts nor am I just holding my phone up to my ear, doodling away on a piece of paper or reading something on my computer screen instead of listening to their words.

 

Pablo Picasso's The Flowers of Peace

I am listening to hear what they intend to say but are not exactly saying.  Listening is another way to show I care, that I am interested in them and invested in their troubles as I focus on the backstory of their words.  As in when they say they are angry about something, I sometimes get the feeling that they really mean to say they are scared.  I'm listening with my heart as I'm trying to understand and support.  It's an emotional exchange because we need each other to help figure out what our crazy creative lives are all about and sometimes we are too close to interpret what's going on. 

I also know that they would do the same for me if I needed to talk to them about my life and that creates a solid unspoken feeling of trust.  We have each other's backs so to speak.

 

Listening is a time to learn about the other person for they are pouring out their thoughts, emotions or sometimes both to you.  I have known some of these people for decades and am still learning new things about them and they way they feel about life.  I try to imagine what it would feel like to be the other person who is trying to deal with whatever the situation is.  And if I'm doing listening well, which I hope I am, then I sometimes feel as if I'm going through the problem too.
 

If you can't think of anything to say to someone who is handling a rough situation, you can always offer to support them through the gift of listening.

Listening is a way of honoring someone's story.

 

Lessons Learned

I try to clear my brain on the weekends and taking long walks or short runs usually does it for me.  I like to try and wipe the slate clean of whatever happened last week and get rid of it so I don't carry it into the next week.  But I am fighting a cold and this weekend in Washington, DC was just too cold and windy to get out in the elements.  

 

Instead, I exercised indoors on my stationary bicycle and the only way to break the monotony of that is to wear my iPod and shuffle all my songs.  As I was watching the bicycle's calorie counter show my progress, a song came on I hadn't heard in awhile: Carrie Underwood's Lessons Learned.

The lyrics unfolded for me in a new way:

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

 

Boy is that true!  Sometimes you think the curve that life has handed you is totally going to break you to bits.  And at the time that it is happening to you it does feel that way.   You feel like a mess, like nothing is ever going to make sense again.  For me, I found strength in knowing that life is sometimes out of control and I needed to stop fighting it.

 

A lesson I learned is to reach out.  Sharing your problems with friends, family members or a support group and spending time in nature are just some of the ways that I found to be the best buffers against stress.  Force yourself to call someone because isolating ourselves can make "the blues" even worse.

 

Listening to music can also help you shake a down feeling, just as it helped me make the time on my stationary bicycle fly by.  Music can energize you and calm you.  It's hard to stay in a bad mood when you are listening to a song that you love.

 

I hope Lessons Learned gives you strength and perhaps some inner resolve to deal with whatever is going on in your life.  Here is the multi-talented award-winning Carrie Underwood singing Lessons Learned:

Bestselling Author Ann Kaiser Stearns, PhD -- Save The Date

Although Widowed Persons Outreach provides help for those who are widowed, this October 19th, 2011 conference is open to everyone!

You may be a professional or helping a friend or family member through loss and want to deepen your skills and understanding.  Or you yourself may be experiencing a loss. Whatever your situation, this conference will give you comfort and hope.

Bestselling author Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns brings a powerful message to those dealing with the pain of a loss. When a loved one dies, a marriage or important relationship ends, a financial or health crisis occurs, or even a dream is shattered, you still have a choice in how to live, says Dr. Stearns. With her inspirational insight and helpful healing strategies, you’ll discover how you can move beyond the harsh and painful events that have occurred, grow stronger, and still live a fulfilling life. 

For more information about Dr. Stearns, visit her website, http://www.annkaiserstearns.com/.  Her latest book will be for sale at the event.

When:  Wednesday, October 19, 2011   

             9:45 a.m. – Registration and Coffee or Tea

             10:15 a.m. – 12:00 noon – Keynote Address

             12:00 noon – Book signing and Break

             12:30 p.m. – Lunch is served

Who:  Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns

Why:  Living Through Personal Crisis – Life After Loss

          Sponsored by Widowed Persons Outreach – Helping and Healing

Where: Kenwood Country Club, 5601 River Road, Bethesda, MD  20816

Cost:  $35.  Make check payable to WPO and mail to Pat Ebbecke,

           7600 17^th St., NW, Washington, DC 20012-1122  

 
Contact:  For further information, call Pat Ebbecke 202-726-3418.