Finding Support

 

Re-reading my first Cry, Laugh Heal post from 2010 for Monday's edition brought all the crazy grieving feelings back to me: exhaustion, numbness, raw emotions, the scary future and sometimes even laughter!

But it also reminded how great my support group was during that time and how it gave me hope and helped me feel that life really would get better even though my husband died.  As I met with my small group twice a month, some sessions were upsetting and some were comforting but eventually I felt less alone and stronger about myself and my murky future.

There's a very good reason why they are called support groups: they are set-up to give that extra boost of support needed to help you handle a life crisis and the people in the group have been in your situation.

 

The philosophy of most support groups is this: we have been there, we know how you feel, and you can lean on us until you feel stronger.  Whether it's grief, alcoholism, drug abuse or any other condition where people reach out for help, those who have experienced it are part of the group and lend a helping hand by giving back to those trying to figure out how to deal with their crisis and the more experienced people pass along how life can be lived in a different way.

 

For me, that was the secret weapon of my support group.  The leaders of my group had lost spouses, raised children, and rebuilt their lives.  I had no idea how they had done it but I was there hanging on to every word, reading every bit of material and drawing all of the strength that I could from them because I told myself that if they could do it then so could I.

 

We were bound by our common loss and our discussions, which usually lasted for about two hours, were supportive and healing.  People in my group were newly widowed and had the opportunity to talk about all the issues surrounding their spouse's death, things that they didn't feel comfortable discussing with even their family or friends.  The getting it out, the expression of emotion truly was a huge help.

 

I remember at my first meeting I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect.  We went around the table and introduced ourselves and I thought I would be fine until it came to telling why we were there.  I started to cry and couldn't stop.  But it was okay.  Everyone was quiet and waited for me.  I finally got through my story and when I was finished there was such understanding.  It was so reassuring to me!!!!

 

I could only belong to my support group for two years and while this support group worked me, joining a support group may not be for everyone.  Many people prefer the privacy of one-on-one talks and that is wonderful too.  I tried one-on-one chats for a few months until I was ready to join my support group.  A wonderful and compassionate woman from the support group would regularly call me on the phone and we would talk for about an hour.  I can't tell you how helpful it was to have that support!  Having someone listen and then having her tell me what she did after her husband died was such a gift.  To this day, I treasure those conversations.

 

You are not alone and you don't need to bear your loss all by yourself.  I found my support group at the local hospital but you could also ask your family doctor or a trusted friend.

 

Please don't be afraid to take the first step.  There are lots of helping hands waiting for you!

Going To The Source

There's a lot to be said for following an "information is power" philosophy when dealing with a life crisis.

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one or facing a serious tragedy that life has thrown you, it feels as though you are playing 52 pick-up.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this child's game, it's when someone takes a deck of cards and tosses all of them in the air.  The cards come flying down, willy nilly, landing wherever they want.  The player then has to put the cards back in order, similiar to what you are trying to do with your life; picking up the pieces and making it into some new.

It's definitely a crazy and vulnerable time that no one can prepare you for…..really. 

Every day after my husband died, I wondered if I would always feel this awful.  And for many, many months, I did.  You soon find out there's no roadmap that can take you to a better place so you are pretty much left to your own devices to figure it out and draw up your own.  I knew I wasn't the only person who has ever had to handle a husband’s death or raising a child by myself, so I needed to find out what was in store for me and my son.  I went searching for as much information as I could on both subjects; some were written by people with first-hand knowledge and some were written by people trained in those areas.

Articles and books written by those who have "been there, done that" are authentic, insightful and helpful in offering tried and true ways for you to adapt to your new reality.  Discovering that someone else got to the other side of a problem that is worse than yours and how they got there affirms that you can carry on and rebuild your life.  Their problem is so much worse than mine and yet they found a way to deal with it.  Maybe I can too! 

The process of sifting through facts and first-person thoughts from lots of sources continues to help me untangle ongoing dilemmas.  I'm not the only one who feels this way.  This has happened to someone else and look what they did to deal with it.

I try to take the approach that I can’t change the fact that stressful events will occur but I can change how I respond to these events.  When I start to feel overwhelmed I follow some advice one of my aunts used:  only think about the next 10 minutes.  Then when you get through those 10 minutes, think about the next 10 minutes and so on.  I have found this to be useful and calming. 

Part of this problem solving and introspection is sometimes called "grief work" as in "if you don't do your grief work then you will never really get yourself healed."  Simply put, it's a dose of plain ole introspection which can be painful because you are remembering and trying to let go at the same time.  There were plenty of times when I cried in public places – grocery stores, restaurants, church, the car -- and rambled on about things not making much sense.  Sleep was hit or miss.  But no matter how bad I felt, I tried to maintain a hopeful outlook.  Slowly, I learned how to integrate my loss into my life.

The passage of time has helped me gain more confidence and control over my emotions and my new life.  But the underlying emotions of grief still have to be acknowledged and addressed.