Unwanted Care

How do you try to take care of someone when they don't want you to?

I'm sure you must know a person you care about and perhaps even love who doesn't want you to help them even though it is obvious that help is very much needed. You understand the frustration right? It's the frustation of no matter how hard you try to offer various kinds of support, you never are able to do the right thing, the thing that will make them happy.

This is what I know I can do: I call on the telephone, I listen, I try to empathize.  I visit as much as I can because nothing beats seeing someone in person.  I offer to run errands.  I bring food so the person won't have to cook and I clean while I'm in their house.

I think listening is the most important thing I can do because everyone knows that the more a person expresses his/her feelings, the better they feel.  There's no point in trying to get them to open up if they're not ready or willing to talk.

Most of all, I try to maintain a calm demeanor.

This is what I don't do: I don't offer suggestions.  I don't offer anything that could be viewed as a solution.  I don't ask too many questions.  I don't intrude into the other person's personal business.  I don't react to negative comments.

It's a constant balancing act but I care about this person so I keep striving to maintain the balance.

And so I keep on trying. . .

And trying. . . and trying.

Riding The Rollercoaster

Dear Readers:

Just as you may find yourself on an emotional roller coaster, so do I.

I have days, just as you do, when things don't go well and I feel as if I am treading water or even going backwards a bit.  Writing and sharing with you the ups and downs of daily life helps me and I hope it helps you.  When you read Cry, Laugh Heal, I hope you discover that you are not alone in your feelings of bereavement and your quest to rebuild a new life.

I certainly do not have it all together all the time and who knows when I will?  Some days I reach my goals and some days I don't.  Some days I feel I have it together and then some days I screw up.  I'm just like you.

I do believe it's important to try and move forward by starting a dialogue about what happens when you lose someone you love because it is not a mainstream subject.  It is the rare and special person who listens to you really talk about what is going on. 

Sometimes it's hard to explain exactly what I am feeling because it's such a mixture of emotions, like a ride on Cyclone pictured above.  I'm happy for someone else's joy but then that makes me think about what I used to have or I'm glad when something good happens to me but then I don't have anyone who will be as happy for me as my husband would be.  I usually call my son or other family members or my close friends but it's not the same because they have their own lives.

Which is perfectly normal but it still takes getting used to.

The roller coaster part of it is that I'm not aimlessly floating along. I work hard so I can get used to my new reality and I start to think that I am getting used to it but then something unexpected happens and suddenly I'm not used to it at all and then I feel that I'm starting over.

Is this making any sense?  I certainly hope so!

This is just my roundabout way of saying that the lines of communication need to stay open and we need to keep talking to each other about what happens when you lose a loved one because somewhere in the talking and the exchanging we can find a sense that it's going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel that way at the time.

Let's ride the rollercoaster together!