L'Wren Scott

One of my sisters and I were talking on the phone the other day about the tragic news that fashion designer L'Wren Scott had been found dead in her New York City apartment at the age of 49. 

 

We talked about what the news stories were reporting -- that she had used a scarf to hang herself, that she designed such beautiful, beautiful clothes, that she was so glamorous herself and that she was the longtime girlfriend of  Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones.

 

L'Wren Scott and Mick Jagger

More importantly, we reiterated to each other that no matter what was happening to us, we would always know that we could call each other in case of a personal trauma.  That there should never be the feeling that anything could be so utterly hopeless.  That if we found ourselves in a place that made it difficult to reach out that we could depend on each other to intervene and help. 

 

Of course we don't know L'Wren Scott personally and all that we know about her is what we read in the newspapers and see on television but there was something about her that came through in the pictures taken of her that gave you the feeling that she could be one of your friends and if you did meet her in person you would like her and probably go to lunch with her and have a lot of fun.

 

The way that her life ended just seemed so incredibly and heartbreakingly sad.  The idea of someone being alone, feeling that they were so very alone, desperate for a way to deal with their life at that point and to take their own life brought home how vulnerable we as human beings can be in the midst of our problems and especially how life can sucker punch you when you least expect it.  No suicide note was found in her apartment but reports have speculated that she was having financial problems with her business and was possibly as much as $6 million in debt.

 

Dark thoughts can sometimes creep into our psyche but we have to be on guard to fight them and make sure that they don't overtake our feelings and actions.  We also need to make sure we talk to others about our fears.  Suicide is particularly difficult to come to terms with and is much more complicated than the way I am writing about it today but it's hard to imagine that there wasn't someone out there who could have helped her; it goes against our instincts to think that suicide is even an option.

 

We may never know for sure what drove her to that isolated place that day.  We live in an highly competitive and fast-paced society that can take a toll on the sensitivities of some of us.  I choose to think that if she had confided in someone about her anxieties that they would have offered her a strong and helping hand.

Please rest in peace L'Wren.

  

Anderson Cooper & His Mom

I recently watched parts of  the Anderson Live! episodes that explored surviving loss and rebuilding your life in the aftermath.

I found it touching and almost too private to watch Anderson Cooper and his mother talk about their personal reactions to the sudden loss of two very close loved ones from their lives.  I really wanted to know what they did to survive such shocking and tragic deaths but at the same time their thoughts were so candid that I almost wondered if they were aware that the cameras were rolling.

It's courageous and incredibly helpful for the greater good when celebrities such as CNN reporter and talk show host Anderson Cooper and his mother, former fashion designer and heiress Gloria Vanderbilt, publicly discuss how they coped with loss and allow others to know about the sadness and anxiety that enveloped their lives and what helped them start to heal. 

Anderson Cooper and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt

Cooper's father and Vanderbilt's husband Wyatt Emory Cooper, died at the age of 50 during open heart surgery. Vanderbilt never married again. Anderson was only ten years old when his father died. A decade later, an even more horrifying tragedy struck the Vanderbilt-Cooper family: Cooper's brother, Carter. leapt to his death while Vanderbilt was trying to coax him away from a ledge in the family's New York City apartment building.

I don't see it as an attempt to grab ratings.  If that were the case, they could do so many other things or talk about so many other attention getting  subjects to boost televisions ratings rather than talk about their grief, a subject which most people consider to be a downer.

Loss can shattter your heart and scramble your psyche and in bringing the subject of grief to daytime television, Cooper and his mother went a long way in breaking the long accepted barrier of hiding grief feelings.  When people see Cooper and Vanderbilt talking about their pain, then they sometimes give themselves permission to start to feel comfortable talking about their pain and their sorrow with their family and friends.  Hopefully, grief then becomes less of a taboo subject.

Cooper and his mom could very easily have kept quiet about that sad part of their lives and only shared those feelings and thoughts about their losses with those they trust.  But instead, they decided to take those feelings from a private place and talk about them on television, putting them out in a public forum, making themselves vulnerable by exposing their pain, confusion and shock.

 

I hope the fearless way that Anderson Cooper and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, intimately talked about the deaths of their father/husband and brother/son helped them gain additional strength as they continue to acknowledge their feelings about their loved ones and rebuild their lives.  As they have said themselves, it is something that never leaves them.  From the comments that others wrote on www.andersoncooper.com there is no doubt that the Anderson Live! episodes dedicated to grief, love and loss helped and inspired many, many others also trying to cope with similiar feelings of loss.

No matter what walk of life you are from, baring your soul and revealing your feelings is about the basic human need to connect with others.  It's making our best effort to help each other through tough times.  Connections between people who care is what life is all about.  Feeling that another human being understands, likes, respects, enjoys or loves you for being you makes the vulnerability worthwhile.

I felt that connection from others many years ago when I went to my bereavement support group for almost two years and I still feel that connection when I talk to certain people about my husband's death.  It's truly a powerful feeling and it helps you go on with your life.

Here a bit of Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt's story of survival:

 

Vice President Joe Biden's Grief Journey

Vice President Joe Biden and his wife, Jill, at an event organized by
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)

Vice President Joe Biden emotionally extended a helping hand to military families last Friday by sharing how he endured the death of his wife and daughter and revealed that at that time his grief  took him to a place where he understood for the first time how people can consider suicide to be a viable option.

Whether you agree with Biden's politics or not, his remarks were striking and intimate.  Grief and how it feels is not a subject you expect a vice president to speak about publicly.  The death of someone close can be a life-changing experience and when public figures discuss their experiences with grief, it is always a positive thing.  It helps others to know they are not alone in their thoughts and actions and creates a public dialogue about grieving and its emotional journey.

Speaking before an audience of military families who had lost loved ones in combat, Biden talked about the telephone call he received in 1972 informing him that his wife, Neilia, and daughter, Naomi,  had died in a car accident and that his two sons, Hunter and Beau, were also severly injured in the accident with a tractor-trailer. 

With cameras rolling and a full pool of reporters, Biden said, "And just like you guys know by the tone of a phone call -- you just knew, didn't you?  You knew when they walked up the path.  You knew when the call came.  You knew.  You just felt it in your bones something bad had happened.  And I knew.  I don't know how I knew.  But the call said my wife was dead, my daughter was dead, and I wasn't sure how my sons were going to make it."

"For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could consciously decide to commit suicide," Biden intimately recalled.  He explained how it felt to be in depth of despair but also told the families that this feeling is not permanent.

Grief is a natural process, a natural fundemental emotion and it is a process.  People grieve because they are deprived of a loved one and their sense of loss is profound.  But Biden also told them how he found hope and that in their time of bereavement there is still hope for each family even though it may not feel like that today.

"I'm telling you it will come," Biden said.

Here is a link to the short CNN video and story about Biden's remarks:

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/05/biden-speaks-about-death-of-wife-daughter/1?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter&dlvrit=206567

Laughing & Crying

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart

don't know how to laugh either”― Golda Meir

Have you ever laughed so hard you started to cry or cried so hard you started to laugh?

For me, I'm usually crying and then it somehow I'm laughing.  I've discovered there's a thin line between the two and no one can tell you where and when one side is going to spill over into the other.  You don't intend for this to happen but when it does, and it's happened to most of us, the two emotions melt together and God only knows where you are.  Getting a grip is truly elusive but it's also short lived.

The world can be one topsy turvy mess and when you're crying/laughing it's as if you inside a snow globe and somebody came along and gave it a couple of strong and unexpected shakes.  Everything feels free floating: memories, time and emotions.

But through our tears and smiles we have the resources to create meaning again in our lives.  Are we doing something wrong when we suffer a loss and find something funny?  Is it proper to joke about someone's death?  Should we feel guilty as we begin to enjoy our friends and family again?

According to veteran comedian Joan Rivers, the answer is no.

Rivers husband, Edgar Rosenberg, committed suicide in 1987.  He was found dead in a Philadelphia hotel room where Rosenberg overdosed on Valium and alcohol.  Rosenberg's suicide happened shortly after she had decided to leave Johnny Carson and The Tonight Show and become host of a rival late-night program on the Fox network.

Rivers has said in interviews that it was a troubling time for their daughter, Melissa, and herself.  She even had thoughts of suicide herself.  Rivers says there is much she doesn't understand about her husband's depression and his decision to end his life, however, she knew she couldn't spend the rest of her life fixated on sorrow. 

Rivers eventually turned her life around (I sometimes watch her sell her jewelry on QVC) and now she helps others cope with their losses by drawing on her own pain and talking about steps to take to help life improve.  In her book, "Overcoming Loss," Dr. Rita Freedman recounts how Joan Rivers speaks to theaters full of grieving people and loosens them up by first asking everyone to participate in a spontaneous exercise.  Each person has to turn to the person next to them and they all have to say the same words out loud: "I'm so very glad that..."

Then she waits for everyone to finish talking.  After a short pause, Joan Rivers completes the sentence for them ..."I'm not you!"  Everyone is always surprised by her choice of words but everyone always laughs!

Rivers is all too aware of the swings of emotions each person is feeling as she addresses them but doesn't let that stop her from motivating them to take a step and try to move forward.  Rivers tells them they are each entitled a "weekend of wallowing."  For two whole days each of them should list every terrible thing that has ever happened to them, and feel sorry for themselves.  But on Monday, Rivers says, they must start a new list of all the positive things in their life.

Rivers is a wise woman.  She knows that change is constant and life is full of joy and tragedy. 

You really have no idea what the future will bring.  It all comes down to being hopeful because as sure as the sun rises everymorning, slowly but surely you will feel stronger and more comfortable with your new life.

My wish for you is to have more smiling and laughing days than any other kind of days.