Nourish Your Soul

The Summer 2011 issue of Flavor magazine features a cover story on Sam Kass, assistant chef at the White House.  The story, written by former New York Times and Washington Post staff reporter Marion Burros, discusses how Kass changed the way the Obama family eats.  By cooking wholesome local and seasonal foods for the Obama family during the presidential campaign and now in the White House kitchen, Kass  made it a priority to demonstrate the powerful connection between good food and healthy bodies.

Think of your body as the BANK OF YOU and fresh fruits and veggies as nutritional deposits towards your balance of continued good health.  Put simply, you really and truly are what you eat.

Just as cancer patients change their diets to build up their immune systems, people who are grieving need to be sensitive to eating regularly and eating well.  If your spouse, partner or child recently died, it's perfectly normal that cooking may be the last thing you want to do.  Cooking for one person poses different problems than cooking for a family.  Children have a tendency to continually tell you how hungry they are until you throw something together and put it on the table for them to eat.  But if you are by yourself and you're hungry, a box of Wheat Thins can be considered a meal.  Not the greatest thing but it's easy and no dishes are involved.  Eating alone can also be just one more thing to remind you of your loss.  A good friend of mine who lost her husband six years ago says the dinner hour is still the hardest time of the day for her.

Your appetite has changed during this sad time, so it's essential for you to take good care of yourself as you try to build back your strength.  Your emotions are all over the place and you need time to adjust.  Grieving is not a disease but it is stressful.  You have suddenly lost someone you care about very much and you're feeling vulnerable.  You have a lot of decisions to make and you're feeling the weight of all of it.

You may be tempted to turn to other substances for help but please don't look to pills or other drugs for relief.  This is definitely not the time to turn to alcohol, cigarettes or drugs to dull the effects of stress or pain.  Alcohol and drugs will temporarily numb you, but when their effects wear off you will have a much harder time working through your grief and then you may find yourself in a vicious cycle.  Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs take you backwards and downward and delay the time when you eventually will be forced to confront the pain of your loss.

You deserve better: foods full of nutrition, sleep and exercise.  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, summertime favorites like watermelon, red grapes, raspberries and figs are packed with valuable nutrients that will help keep you youthful and energized.  No matter where you live in the United States, there's always something ripe to eat when the weather turns hot. 

A junk food binge is okay every now and then but watch out if junk or fast food is your regular diet.  My feeling is you have to indulge sometimes and eat something sugary or fatty as a treat to yourself.  But a regular diet of fast foods or frozen foods isn't going to give you the punch of nutrients you need now to rebuild your life.  Although I know some people who would argue that Stouffer's lasgna can give you courage as well as comfort.

Courtesy of Stouffer's

I totally sympathize with the convenience factor of food found in the frozen section of the grocery store.  It causes me to fall off the healthy food wagon a lot.  It's an ongoing battle.  I recently had a stressful day and found myself eating a half gallon of lemon sorbet.  Okay, I know it's piggy.  I didn't plan to eat the whole container of sorbet.   I would say somewhere around the halfway mark of the carton I knew I had reached the point of no return.  That little voice inside me said I should stop, yet I couldn't.  It was a really hot day and the sorbet was slushy and tart.  The next thing I knew my spoon hit the bottom of the carton.  No way!  How did that happen?

Since the bust of that bad food party, I will carry on as we all must:  Let's be kind to ourselves and start fresh from where we are right now and move forward.  Guilt about past junk or fast food deposits into the BANK OF YOU are not productive.  Think good, fresh food and healthy bodies.

Owen Danoff

In keeping with the many unknowns that you face on your journey to rebuild your life after losing a loved one, going out by yourself for social events is on that master of list of things that is easier for men than it is for women.  At least it is for me.

It's not like I never did it when my husband was alive, but it's different now.  I miss many things about not being part of a couple at social events, such as not having someone in the car so you can take the evening apart on the way home (Can you believe so and so came to the party?  What were you and so and so talking about?  Blah, Blah, Blah...).  Anyway, sometimes you're in the mood to deal with it and sometimes you're not. 

But this weekend I was looking forward to it.

Saturday night I had the pleasure of watching my good friend's son, Owen Danoff, perform at a local music club call the Birchmere.  As a performer, Owen has it all.  He is magnetic on stage, full of incredible energy and his songs are dynamic and melodic.  To give you a glimpse into his incredible talents, please watch this video of Owen and his friend, Adrien, sing "Have I Ever Fallen" and decide for yourself.  But I think you'll agree after watching, that we will definitely be hearing more great stuff from Owen and I can't wait:

What do you think?

Bestselling Author Ann Kaiser Stearns, PhD -- Save The Date

Although Widowed Persons Outreach provides help for those who are widowed, this October 19th, 2011 conference is open to everyone!

You may be a professional or helping a friend or family member through loss and want to deepen your skills and understanding.  Or you yourself may be experiencing a loss. Whatever your situation, this conference will give you comfort and hope.

Bestselling author Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns brings a powerful message to those dealing with the pain of a loss. When a loved one dies, a marriage or important relationship ends, a financial or health crisis occurs, or even a dream is shattered, you still have a choice in how to live, says Dr. Stearns. With her inspirational insight and helpful healing strategies, you’ll discover how you can move beyond the harsh and painful events that have occurred, grow stronger, and still live a fulfilling life. 

For more information about Dr. Stearns, visit her website, http://www.annkaiserstearns.com/.  Her latest book will be for sale at the event.

When:  Wednesday, October 19, 2011   

             9:45 a.m. – Registration and Coffee or Tea

             10:15 a.m. – 12:00 noon – Keynote Address

             12:00 noon – Book signing and Break

             12:30 p.m. – Lunch is served

Who:  Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns

Why:  Living Through Personal Crisis – Life After Loss

          Sponsored by Widowed Persons Outreach – Helping and Healing

Where: Kenwood Country Club, 5601 River Road, Bethesda, MD  20816

Cost:  $35.  Make check payable to WPO and mail to Pat Ebbecke,

           7600 17^th St., NW, Washington, DC 20012-1122  

 
Contact:  For further information, call Pat Ebbecke 202-726-3418.

Summer In The City

FRESHFARM Markets Photo

One of my favorite things about summer is the food.  Summer food is the BEST!!!  The tomatoes, the corn on the cob, melons, peaches and berries.  I could go on and on.  Everything is so fresh and so flavorful.

One of the places where I find a great supply of summer food is at a Farmer's Market near my office that is also about two blocks from the White House.  We call it Michelle Obama's Farmer's Market because the first year the Obamas were in the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama, as part of her nutrition campaign to get Americans to eat healthier foods, walked across the street to pick out some fruits and veggies for her family.  Naturally, the market got a lot of attention and because of it's prime location you can never be sure when she might visit again!

The FRESHFARM Markets is made up of about a dozen vendors and they sell farm fresh fruits and produce along with flowers, home made breads, home made cheeses, and home made popsicles in exotic flavors such as strawberry ginger lemonade and vanilla honey lavender.  Today, the smell of the peaches was incredible.  I bought some tomatoes and my friend bought peaches.

Besides the delicious produce, you also get a chance to chat up the farmers who grow the food.  They are always ready to talk about the best ways to cook the foods they are selling and how they grew it.  It's all part of the community of vendors who come together every week in this part of the city to promote the unique taste of food grown in the Chesapeake Bay region and expose people to fresh food they might not be able to grow for themselves.

Not only do we feel we're supporting the farmers when we walk down the street to buy their fresh products but we're also doing something healthy for ourselves.  And when you've been sitting in front of a computer for most of the day that's always a good thing!

Independence Day

Photo by Eileen Milner

Today is Independence Day, a day we as a nation celebrate to mark our break with the Kingdom of England and our birth as the United States of America.  As Americans living in a dynamic democracy, we share many freedoms that we sometimes take for granted.  We are so lucky to live here and blessed with our way of life.  It continues to be a work in progress but I'll take it over any other system of government.  I send my thanks to our leaders and those in the military who protect and serve us and put their lives on the line for us every day.

Many of you are missing those precious loved ones who lost their lives in the line of duty.  Or maybe you are missing those who were with you this time last year or perhaps many years before.  There seems to be no independence from the journey of grief.  But there is hope and healing.

We pick ourselves up and go on with our lives because we must.  We may remarry, have additional children and meet new friends.  Yet there will always be that special place for that special person and no one can take that away or change it.  It is yours.

We can't stop time but we can reminisce.  Some people create a personal rite to mark the memory of a loss.  My friend, Eileen, who took the beautiful photograph of the bright pink flower posted here, tirelessly fundraises for breast cancer and organizes a large group of people to walk in the Susan G. Komen Walk For The Cure every year in memory of her dear sister, Rose. That is powerful.  It is taking your pain and turning it into a positive experience.

The Fourth of July always reminds me of a dear friend lost many years ago, Bobby Dolan.  Bobby made the best potato salad in the whole world and all of his friends constantly badgered him for the recipe.  He never gave it to any one.  After he died, we asked his wife, Darlene, if she knew it and she said didn't.  "I have no idea.  I wasn't even allowed to be in the kitchen for the last steps of the recipe," she said. 

I kept trying to figure out the recipe and seem to have come pretty close to Bobby's version.  So today my friend, Joan, is having her annual Fourth of July cook-out and it is understood that I will make the potato salad and when we eat it we all talk about Bobby.

We take the memories of our loved ones and freeze frame and hold them dearly in our hearts.  They are like old friends that we visit from time to time.  While those memories can make us cry, laugh, and shake our heads in wonder, those same memories can also help us heal.

Grief is a challenge and it is a slow.  We all work through it at our own pace and know that ups and downs are part of the process.  Take comfort in the fact that you will eventually heal and see life from a different perspective.

Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote When Bad Things Happen to Good People after the death of his young son.  Here are his words of wisdom:  "I think of my son and all that his life taught me, and I realize how much I have lost and how much I have gained.  Yesterday seems less painful, and I am not afraid of tomorrow." 

Holiday Healing

This July 4th holiday weekend may be your first holiday without a loved one or it may be full of poignant memories that make it hard to fully enjoy the fireworks, parades and backyard cook-outs.  I found some helpful suggestions on healing from Capital Hospice's Survivor's Guide and thought I would share some with you:

-- It is okay to feel lousy.  Some days will be worse than others.  There is no logical progression to these feelings and that is okay.

--Cry if you need to.

--In dealing with guilt, ask five important questions:

        How long am I going to choose to feel this way?
        When am I going to say I've suffered enough?
        What would it take to lessen my guilt?
        What would it take to forgive myself?
        Would my loved one want me to feel like this?

--Write a letter to say those things that were left unsaid.

--Be patient with yourself.  The feeling of "what's the use?" will not last forever.

--Fine healthy ways to express anger: running, exercise, walking, hitting a pillow, talking to the deceased's picture.

--If weight gain is a problem, buy "treat" foods in small quantities, not the bulk size.

--Don't make major decisions unless absolutely necessary.

--Know that well-meaning people will say awkward and sometimes dumb things.  Forgive them, for they do care.

--There is great wisdom in the advice "take it a day at a time."



Julie Potter -- Sibley Hospital Angel

I write today about a special woman named Julie Potter who played a pivotal role in putting me and many others on the path to resilience.

Today is Julie's last day at Sibley Hospital and I know that she will be missed quite a lot!!!!!  True to her nature, Julie always downplays her valuable contributions and the vast resources she has set up at Sibley to help others.  Besides her primary responsibilities at Sibley's Senior Services department, Julie also oversees the Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) bereavement group.  For 21 years, Julie has reached out to help people who find themselves vulnerable during trying times and she has generously given them emotional support and strength so that they may find their way back to more solid footing.  She is calm, gentle and patient but she is also honest and funloving.  Julie has a sixth sense for what people need and if they can't find the right connections then she helps them until they do.

Sibley had no support groups when Julie began working there.  Julie started the hospital's first support group, a cancer support group, and that led to the start of many other groups: arthritis, alzheimer's, bereavement, diabetes, parkinson's and movement disorders.  And if that wasn't enough, she also started the hospital's Walking Club in 1992.

I remember the first time I spoke to her on the phone because I was pretty much a basketcase.  I had received a pamphet in the mail about a bereavement group at Sibley Hospital that met twice a month and Julie was the contact person.  I wasn't ready yet to talk in a group but still I thought it would be a good idea to talk to her for guidance and also to see if I could talk to someone in the bereavement group on a one-to-one basis.  I called and left a voice message for her.

My husband had died about nine months earlier and I had just come back from vacation with my young son.  We weren't vacationing alone; we were with friends. But it had been jarring to spend vacation time without my husband.  Everything about the beach was almost the same as it had been from the year before except my husband had died.  It became a big deal to me as I realized pretty quickly into the vacation that I needed to talk to someone about all the grief feelings that I was experiencing. Every day during vacation I would tamp down all the feelings of contradiction.  No one I knew could really understand what it was all about.  I would walk up to the beach early every morning and sit in the sand and cry and then walk back to the house as though everything was okay.

When Julie called me back, she said she knew of a woman in the bereavement group who was widowed many years ago and had since remarried.  The woman who Julie sent my way helped me tremendously and I will always be grateful for her sensitivity and empathy.  She was truly an incredible gift sent from heaven.  She listened to me and also shared her own stories about being a wife and mother and suddenly becoming a widow.  She told me how she met her current husband and how life would get better.  She gave me hope.  And so did Julie.

Thank you Julie Potter from the bottom of my heart for taking care of me and all the other people seeking understanding and support after losing a loved one!!!!!  Best wishes in your continued volunteer work with WPO and all other endeavors you decide to follow.