Giving Comfort

Yesterday was a snow day in Washington, DC with the local and federal governments shut down and people resigning themselves to once again bundle up and go out and shove and clear their cars of winter's one two punch: ice and snow.

 

Before I braved the outdoors, I indulgently hung out in my pajamas and worked on the computer, answering emails and checking out Twitter for Oscar gossip.  I also made use of my snow day by tackling a large stack of magazines in my home office and in hopes of ridding myself of some unnecessary clutter.

 

I came upon an old 2007 Town & Country magazine which featured a special section on grieving.  Ah! This must be the reason why I had saved this issue I said to myself.  I remember being surprised at the time that I bought the magazine that Town & Country was tackling such an uncomfortable subject since most of its articles are about lighter subjects such as traveling, beauty and celebrity trends.  But in this particular issue, I found an informative and insightful section on dealing with grief.

 

 

 A column about grief and loss titled "How To Comfort" by Kate Lardner popped out for me upon rereading the section.  Here are a few to consider:

 

-- "We live in a culture that is afraid of illness and death.  There's judgment from every direction, and it slows down the healing process.  Trust your own experience, and be with people who aren't telling you  to pull yourself together." ~ Cynthia O'Neal, cofounder of Friends in Deed, a crisis center in New York City.

 

-- "I was terrified of my sons' impending deaths from AIDS.  What helped the most when they were dying was to do whatever I could to open up my heart, instead of shutting off from the fear of the anticipated loss.  I talked to mothers in hospitals who were visiting sons with AIDS." ~ Brenda Freiberg, chair emeritus, AIDS Project, Los Angeles.

 

-- "Be with a grieving person quietly, and offer the stability of your presence, which is not the same as trying to 'make it better.'  Much more important for the bereaved is to feel the actual loss in the moment.  Human beings are amazingly resilient; we think we won't be able to survive, but we will.  Grief, the hurt, is a good sign." ~ Acharya Eric Spiegel, a Buddhist teacher in New York City.

 

-- "Think twice before telling anyone that they ever get over the loss of somebody close; on a feeling level you never truly get over it." ~ Sanford Pepper, M.D. San Francisco psychiatrist.

Two True Friends

Knowing that I have at least one person in my corner, always supporting me as a true friend, makes life feel less scary and full of many more possibilities.

I can almost bear anything if I know my friends are holding my hands and understanding what I am trying to do and say.

Friends for life, friends until the very end, this is the unique gift that Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe gave to each other.

"Just Kids" is a beautifully, beautifully written memoir by Smith.  You may know of Patti Smith from her infamous Horses album and also from her magical poetry.  In "Just Kids," Smith's writing is intimate and she instantly makes you feel a part of her life.  She takes us back to her childhood when she first met Robert Mapplethorpe and then continues with their close friendship as young adults which then evolves into a romantic relationship and then goes back again to a friendship in the last years of Mapplethorpe's life.

Mapplethorpe became an infamous photographer who triggered a highly charged public dialogue in the 1970s and 1980's about the public funding of controversial works of art.  Mapplethorpe's stark black and white photographs included celebrities, flowers but it was his explicit photographs of nude men that caused a furor in the art world.

"Just Kids" is also about New York City in the late 1960's and 1970's when Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe were literally starving artists sleeping in parks and doorsteps and then living in the hip Chelsea Hotel, hanging out with Andy Warhol's entourage while Smith and Mapplethorpe experimented and developed their counterculture lifestyles and artistic talents.

 

I write about "Just Kids" not because of  the sensational nature of Mapplethorpe's photography but for the touching human story of their unusual friendship and for the kindness and constant support they each showed to the other during good times and bad. In particular, Smith's compassion to Mapplethorpe as he lay dying of AIDS is particularly poignant.

Thankfully, Smith comforts us in "Just Kids" by sharing a few pieces of her crystalline poetry.  Here is one of my favorites:

Wild Leaves

By Patti Smith

 

Wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

Every leaf a moment

A light upon the crown

That we'll all be wearing

In a time unbound

And Wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

 

Every word that's spoken

Every word decreed

Every spell that's broken

Every golden deed

All the parts we're playing

Binding as the reed

And wild leaves are falling

Wild wild leaves

 

The spirits that are mentioned

The myths that have been shorn

Everything we've been through

And the colors worn

Every chasm entered

Every story wound

And wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

 

As the campfire's burning

As the fire ignites

All the moments turning

In the stormy bright

Well enough the churning'

Well enough believe

The coming and the going

Wild wild leaves