Newtown On Labor Day

Today is Labor Day and I have the day off from work.  YEAH!!! I hope you do too!

Maybe you are planning to go to a friend's house for a special holiday meal or you are going to cook for your family.  Or maybe you're just hangin' at your own house catching up on personal projects.  Or maybe you're going to go to an afternoon picnic or watch a community parade.

 

In Newtown, Connecticut today, there will be a parade.  A parade of love and community and healing.

 

 

It will be same parade that thousands of residents have watched and marched in since the town first held it's Labor Day parade in 1962.  But this year's parade is different.  There were doubts about going ahead with the parade given the deep tragedy that residents experienced on December 14, 2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary when 20 first graders and six adults were massacred by a lone gunman. (http://crylaughheal.blogspot.com/2012/12/newtown-connecticut.html)

 

Many in Newtown didn't think it was appropriate to hold a Labor Day parade this year when so many in their community are still trying to process their loss and rebuild their lives.

 

It is difficult to know what to do next when a life is lost; especially in Newtown where their losses happened in such brutal and cold-hearted manner.  I have found that in the midst of mourning there comes a point when you experience what I call the push-pull of  the healing process.  You know life is different; that life will never be the same without your loved one, but you also begin to search for a way to move forward with your life.  

 

I think Beth Caldwell, head of the Newtown Parade Committee, explained it best when she told the Associated Press (in the story below) that Newtown, in planning this year's Labor Day parade, wanted to be "respectful of what happened and still offer an avenue of celebration" for the residents. 

Labor Day is traditionally the last weekend of summer, a last hurrah of sorts.  Labor Day is also seen as a time of transition from summer to fall, from vacation to school.

Please read below in the link to an Associated Press story in The Boston Globe about Newtown's touching transition on this Labor Day, as it slowly moves from a terrible tragedy to a new kind of healing that I hope will get stronger with the passage of time.

http://www.boston.com/news/local/2013/08/31/with-parade-newtown-reflects-how-healing/x1O6IICVDovinXuc86W6qO/story.html

Two True Friends

Knowing that I have at least one person in my corner, always supporting me as a true friend, makes life feel less scary and full of many more possibilities.

I can almost bear anything if I know my friends are holding my hands and understanding what I am trying to do and say.

Friends for life, friends until the very end, this is the unique gift that Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe gave to each other.

"Just Kids" is a beautifully, beautifully written memoir by Smith.  You may know of Patti Smith from her infamous Horses album and also from her magical poetry.  In "Just Kids," Smith's writing is intimate and she instantly makes you feel a part of her life.  She takes us back to her childhood when she first met Robert Mapplethorpe and then continues with their close friendship as young adults which then evolves into a romantic relationship and then goes back again to a friendship in the last years of Mapplethorpe's life.

Mapplethorpe became an infamous photographer who triggered a highly charged public dialogue in the 1970s and 1980's about the public funding of controversial works of art.  Mapplethorpe's stark black and white photographs included celebrities, flowers but it was his explicit photographs of nude men that caused a furor in the art world.

"Just Kids" is also about New York City in the late 1960's and 1970's when Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe were literally starving artists sleeping in parks and doorsteps and then living in the hip Chelsea Hotel, hanging out with Andy Warhol's entourage while Smith and Mapplethorpe experimented and developed their counterculture lifestyles and artistic talents.

 

I write about "Just Kids" not because of  the sensational nature of Mapplethorpe's photography but for the touching human story of their unusual friendship and for the kindness and constant support they each showed to the other during good times and bad. In particular, Smith's compassion to Mapplethorpe as he lay dying of AIDS is particularly poignant.

Thankfully, Smith comforts us in "Just Kids" by sharing a few pieces of her crystalline poetry.  Here is one of my favorites:

Wild Leaves

By Patti Smith

 

Wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

Every leaf a moment

A light upon the crown

That we'll all be wearing

In a time unbound

And Wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

 

Every word that's spoken

Every word decreed

Every spell that's broken

Every golden deed

All the parts we're playing

Binding as the reed

And wild leaves are falling

Wild wild leaves

 

The spirits that are mentioned

The myths that have been shorn

Everything we've been through

And the colors worn

Every chasm entered

Every story wound

And wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

 

As the campfire's burning

As the fire ignites

All the moments turning

In the stormy bright

Well enough the churning'

Well enough believe

The coming and the going

Wild wild leaves

 

Exiting The Control Lane

It is Friday and I am one big burnt piece of toast!

It has been a week of going to the hospital (hopefully my Dad will be discharged today), car maintenance (way too expensive) and early starts at work (hate the alarm).  But I am truly looking forward to the end of today because that is when my well-deserved vacation begins!!!!!!

As hard as I try to maneuver around the built-in stress of the above situations, I am just a human being like anyone else and I do get sucked into worrying about all of these things instead of having faith that they will eventually get solved or will eventually be handled.

This where managing my expectations comes in.  For some reason, after all these years, I still think that if I treat a person nicely that they will treat me nicely.  NOT!  I really have to work on cutting loose my expectations of a situation and just let the situation happen.  Not to say that I should just lay down and let life roll over me but I need to tell myself that there is a difference between trying to control a situation and going into a situation with an open mind.

Photo Courtesy of Associated Press

The Elite Daily has come up with a list of the 20 things we need to let go of in order to be happy and I think it's a good solid list for all of us to consider.  I would say that #20 is an area I need to definitely focus on a lot; like every day; like all the time.  I do unfairly disappoint myself because I set my expectations higher than I should and then come away wondering why something happened the way it did. 

Instead, I should learn to sit back and let things develop.

Check out the list for yourself and see what you think.  If there is an area that you think you need to focus on in your life, please share below.  So without further discussion, away we go!

Here's the list from the Elite Daily:

http://elitedaily.com/life/20s-things-you-need-to-let-go-to-live-happy-life/

The Art of Resilience

Being Proactive Can Strengthen Your Resilience

The subject of resilience totally fascinates me.

Resilience is being able to bounce back after being tossed around by life.  Trying to figure out why one person bounces back from a life trauma and another person breaks from the pain tells us something about the human condition don't you think?

 

It's a roll of the dice. It's the $64 million question.

The ability to stay on track and keep your focus, the ability to develop an inner strength in the face of adversity is inspiring to me and in turn I draw strength from other people's stories of getting through a serious illness, a financial setback or the loss of a loved one.

 

When I read or hear about other people's experiences with life's hardships, I am always curious about what they were thinking as they went through it and what kept them going.  Sometimes it strengthens my resolve and I think to myself, "If they can do it, then so can I."

After my husband died, I searched everywhere for stories about widows raising children and read all the stories about it that I could find so that I might figure out what I was going to do.  The best advice I read was this:  don't ignore your problems or try to wish them away.  Take each day as it comes and if you can't bear to look past 24 hours or even an hour, then don't.

 

Try to break the moments down into manageable blocks of time.  Sometimes that's only 10 minutes but that's okay.  Often I would go from 10 minutes to the next 10 minutes and then the next 10 minutes until I found I had gotten through an hour and then I continued to slowly work my way through the time of pain.

I think it's good to know that the bouncing back part doesn't always happen immediately.  It takes awhile to figure out what's going on, put yourself somewhat back together and start following your usual daily routines.  During this time, reaching out to family and friends for support is key.

There is no way to predict which adult or child is going to find the determination and inner resolve to dig down within himself or herself and overcome the bad/stressful/unfair situation that life has thrown their way.  You might think that it's the person who has been given much in terms of material wealth and privilege but it's not always that way.

Sometimes the person who shows incredible amounts of inner strength is the person who has nothing.  No material goods and no parent.  Or the person has a parent but it's one that's an alcoholic or drug addict.  Or no job and no insurance.  Or no spouse and no idea what the future will bring.

 

If you have nothing or the one thing in life that you loved was taken away then you can as if you have nothing to lose and that in itself is a kind of resolve. 

 

Resilience isn't all about being tough and toughing it out, but more about opening yourself up to life and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and reaching out for support. 

 

You can't change what has happened but with courage, support, and a hopeful attitude, you and I can look toward the future and wahtever it may bring us.

It's All In Your Attitude

Hi Dear Friends!

Yesterday I went for my annual eye exam and of course the doctor dilated my eyes.  I now have to use eye drops three to four times a day.  One is a prescription drop and the other is an over-the-counter brand.  I am just getting used to this new routine and I am finding that it's a lot of drops to have rolling down my face.  Better get some water-proof mascara right?

 

Needless to say, computer time has been temporarily shortened but today I still wanted to post some thoughts about healing and managing life's wacky stresses.

I am sharing a short but wise essay a friend sent me (author unknown) on keeping it together and remembering to jump off the hamster wheel, take break and RELAX.

 

As I write this, it is snowing in the Washington, DC area and schools and the federal government are closed.  Perhaps you are taking an unexpected break today and if you are snow bound, I hope you keep your power and have time to enjoy some down time!

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,

 

raised a glass of water and asked,

 

"How heavy is this glass of water?"

 

Answers called out ranged from 20 g to 500g.

 

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.

 

It depends on how long you try to hold it.

 

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

 

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

 

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

 

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

 

He continued,

 

"And that's the way it is with stress management.

 

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,

 

as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,

 

we won't be able to carry on."

 

"As with the glass of water,

 

you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.

 

When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

 

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.

 

Don't carry it home.

 

You can pick it up tomorrow.

 

Whatever burdens you are carrying now,

 

let them down for a moment if you can."

 

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX.

 

Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.

 

Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

 

Life is short.

Dealing With "The Blues"



Covered Bridge in West Cornwall, CT
 By Thomas Schoeller

I keep a folder of story ideas and I was going through it yesterday in search of something timely to write about that I thought would also be helpful.  Some of the things in the folder are ideas I have quickly written down so that I don't forget them and other papers include clippings from newspapers and magazines.

 

I came across this bit of wisdom from The Washington Post's Marguerite Kelly.  Kelly writes a popular advice column called The Family Almanac.

Here is a question that a reader sent in about something I've experienced and I'm sure some of you readers may have too.  Kelly's insightful answer is just wonderful!:

Question: What is the way to deal with the blues?  My dad died two months ago and sadness has been coming out of nowhere ever since.  It sneaks up on me while I'm going about my business, eating breakfast or running errands.  Sometimes I have to retire to the bathroom at work so I can pull myself together.

It almost seems harder to get over my father's death than it was to get over the death of my husband las year, although I may be forgetting how sad I was at that time.  Or maybe it's the culmination of it all.  When I sit in my bedroom, here on my farm, I'm in the quiet, with just the silence of the sunset out of my window to keep me company, and I pray about being alone.  I guess the blues are part of my life now, a thing that has to be endured by me.  There doesn't seem to be a way around the sadness I feel.  How can I keep it from consuming me?

 

 

Answer from Kelly:  If you think that you should be done with the blues after just two months or a year, you're asking way too much of yourself.  The more love you have given to someone, and the more he has given to you, the harder the waves of grief will hit you when he dies.  Such is the price of love.  You can expect these waves to keep hitting you for the next few years.  But you shouldn't regret your grief, for it is giving you the time you need to draw on the strengths and the goodness of those you've loved and lost and to dwell on the memories you have shared.

As you stumble along, you'll find that grief is a journey and that you're going to feel pain along the way, no matter what you do.  The pain will be less intense, however, and less frequent, if you remember the happy times more than the sad ones.  You wouldn't want grief to define you.  You can also deflect some of the pain by making a few small and important changes.

 

If you've been living alone since your husband died, you may be giving sorrow too much space to grow.  Consider getting a tenant.  Your pastor may know a parishioner who would like to rent your spare bedroom, or perhaps a nearby college has a visiting professor or a graduate student who needs a place to stay.

 

It may bother you to share a fridge with a stranger at first, but a tenant is never a stranger for long.  You could also get rid of sad feeling in a more creative way.  You may not be able to paint or scult, but you can tear up scraps of paper and turn them into a collage that will be quite meaningful, if only for you.  Or perhaps you can write about our feelings in a journal.  If you compare your early entries to the ones you just wrote, you'll be pleased, and somewhat surprised, to see that your mood has gotten brighter by the day.

 

You also might grieve less if you try something you"ve never tried before, such as stargazing, bird watching, gardening or kayaking, because every new skill will introduce you to new friends and new ideas.  You'll dig your way out of grief best, however, when you start paying more attention to the living than the dead.  There is always someone who needs a meal to be delivered, an errand to be run or a needs whenever you can, because it is the right thing to do, and also because you don't know what tomorrow may bring.  We've been told to live each day as it it was the last one we'd ever have.  But we might be nicer to our loved ones if we thought that it would be the last one they would ever have.

 

In addition to these ideas, there are also many books to help you get through your grief.  "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst (Free Press, 1998: $16) is still one of the best.  This seminal book will help to put your heart and your mind to rest.

Seaching for Serenity

As we continue to deal with the tragic stories coming out in the news about the Newtown, Connecticut shootings, let us try to find a break from the pain.

We begin a new work week and also find that Christmas is just a week away. The juxtaposition of the Newtown stories, the dialogue online and on television and in the newspapers this weekend about gun control, the state of mental health and parenting issues in the United States and Christmas decorations and music is jarring.

I found myself turning off the television and only reading parts of stories because it all became too much to digest.

I am not ignoring what has happened but at a certain point, my mind needs a rest.  My mental break consists of finding a place where I can close my eyes, take a deep breath and mentally think of a calming image in nature such as an isolated beach, rolling green hills or a field of flowers.

Breath.  Listen to your heartbeat.  Breath.  Think of the ocean and the calming sound of the waves as they meet the sandy shore.  Take another deep breath.

What is serenity in a time of turmoil?  It can be a place of inner peace and a way of finding hope and healing even while experiencing pain.

I found this short explanation about serenity on www.wisdomcommons.org and thought I would share it with you.  I hope you find it helpful:

 Serenity means maintaining a sense of inner peace even in difficult situations.

 

We gain serenity by accepting the things we cannot change and focusing our energy where we can make a difference.

 

Fear, anger or desire can create a sense of urgency that triggers us to react impulsively. When this happens, we risk undermining our goals, damaging relationships--even violating our deepest values. By contrast, when we cultivate serenity, we don’t fear our emotions, but we do keep them in balance. We govern ourselves rather than being ruled by external circumstances and our feelings about them.

 

Meditative practices, contemplation, physical exercise and self-regulation skills all can help us to maintain a serene, peaceful state of mind. This mental state in turn frees us to live thoughtfully and intentionally.

 

When we hold onto our own sense of serenity, we help others to keep theirs.

                                                       

Sentimental Christmas Stockings

Stockings Belonging to Daddy, Mommy & R

 

 

" . . . And the stockings were hung by the chimney with care;

 In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. . ."

From "Twas The Night Before Christmas"
By Clement Clarke Moore

 

 

These  are our sentimental Christmas stockings, hung on our fireplace every year, in hopes that Santa Claus will think we have been good and fill them with lots of treats.

 

I know they are a bit on the tacky side but they represent a lot of good feelings and great memories.

 

They don't match each other or the living room where they hang and certainly don't look like those hip and elegant stockings you see in the Pottery Barn catalogue or stockings you may see in the display windows of Sak's or Macy's but they are our Christmas stockings and we love them.

 

My son picked them out all by himself when he was five years old.  The Santa Claus stocking was for his father, the gingerbread one is for me, his mom, and the Christmas tree is for him.  I remember watching him in the store looking at all the different choices of Christmas stockings and at first I think he was a little overwhelmed.

 

He walked around and around and kept looking and picking up all the different stockings and then decided on these three.  He had such a big smile on his face when he handed them to me and was so excited that we were actually going to buy the ones he chose.

 

Every year he looks forward to hanging them up on the fireplace, even the Christmas after his father died.

 

I wasn't going to put decorations up that year because, well because, it was enough for me to get out of bed and form a complete sentence never mind dealing with Christmas decorations.  But my son insisted we get a tree and put up the rest of decorations. 

 

All that I did was buy the tree and bring the boxes down from the attic.  My son and a wonderful friend of his did the rest.  I was in and out of the room while they were working and placing the decorations anywhere they wanted.  I really didn't care what it looked like.

 

I do remember coming into the room when my son opened up the box containing the Christmas stockings and I sortof held my breath to see if he would hang two stockings or three.  At that time, my son had a lot of anger about his father which was perfectly normal.  He was angry that his father had died, that his father had left him, that his father hadn't made better health decisions and he was angry that it was Christmas and his father wasn't there. 

 

I felt a lot of these things too but there's a big difference between an adult dealing with those thoughts and feelings and a thirteen-year-old boy.

 

I watched as he held the stockings and walked towards the fireplace.  I truly expected to see him hang only two, but then he surprised me and put up all three.  He didn't say anything and neither did I.

 

It's been quite a journey since that very first Christmas after his father's death.  I admire how my son has handled this difficult situation and the adult that he has become.  He is amazing!

 

My son still loves Christmas and EVERYTHING associated with it.

 

And every year, he still always hangs three stockings.

 

Fostering Resilience

 

"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love,

and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute. . .

That sounds very hard at first,

but at the same time it is a great consolation.

For the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bond between us.

It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap: he doesn't fill it,

but on the contrary, he keeps it empty

and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other,

even at the cost of pain.

The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation,

but gratitude changes the

pangs of memory into a tranquil joy.

We must take care not to wallow in our memories,

or hand ourselves over to them.

  Just as we do not gaze all the time at a valuable present,

but only at special times,

 and apart from these keep it simply

as a hidden treasure that is ours for certain."

                                                                       ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Now Is Powerful

Photo By Patti Raab

When I was in my twenties, I felt as though I had all the time in the world to do whatever it was I wanted to do.  I think that feeling was the luxury of youth.  I had no sense of needing to get things done urgently because if it didn't happen today I was confident that I would get another chance tomorrow.  There would always be tomorrow for a do-over, if you will.

"See you tomorrow!"

"Oh, I'll tell you about that later."

"Yeah we have to find a date and then we'll do it.  I'll get back to you."

But now I try very hard to stay in the present, to appreciate the gift of life, and say and do what should be taken care of today because nine years ago today my wonderful husband died and I saw that you don't always get a tomorrow.

I saw how quickly life can twirl you around and yank off your blindfold, leaving you stumbling, confused and guessing about the scary unknown.

How did I keep it together (some of the time), raise a child and work a full-time job?

By taking baby steps in the beginning and slowly developing a well of inner strength that came through the kind help of family, friends, neighbors, praying a lot, meditating a lot, crying, laughing, reaching out for help from a fantastic support group, learning to make peace, accepting some of the bad stuff and writing for Cry, Laugh, Heal.

 

You, my dear readers, are truly a gift I never thought I would have and I thank you, thank you for coming to Cry, Laugh Heal!

 

Being in present time, to be what is called "fully present" sounds cliche but it really isn't.  I have found that when I concentrate on staying in the present it is truly a good thing.  I don't always succeed but the results are definitely worth the effort.

 

For me, staying in the present means I am with the person that I am with.  I am listening to them and the words they are saying to me, the thoughts and emotions they are trying to convey to me. 

 

I am not typing on my computer keyboard as they are talking to me, I am not watching television as they talk to me and I am not writing a check or a note as they try to talk to me.  I am focused on our conversation and I am really, really trying not to think ahead about my reply.

 

I am mentally focused in the moment of what is happening between me and the other person.

 

I am trying not to let my mind run ahead or go backwards in time because then I might miss the beauty of what is happening to me right now.

 

Now is a beautiful thing and a thing to take care of. 

 

Now is when you get to say and do what you intend to do so that later on you don't have regrets about how you forgot to say something or you should have done something.

 

Now is powerful.

 

Whatever it is, do it today.  Don't put it off.  Do it now.

 

Welcome To Today!

A good friend from high school who I am now friends with on Facebook (Yeah!), posted the below message on her page.  I found it to be so hopeful that I wanted to share it.

Today is a clean slate and an opportunity to start or finish or say or write something that you didn't get a chance to do yesterday.  There is always hope that things will get better.  I truly believe it!!  Hang in there if you are going through a rough patch.

Here's to today.  Grab and go with it:

Taylor Swift -- Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?

It's the beginning of a new work week and I'm going to be singing this Taylor Swift song to myself all day long.  There's something about this song that helps to keep me chugging along.  Instead of getting worked up and reacting to situations I can't do anything about, I'm going to be humming this song to myself and staying mentally cool, calm and collected.

At least that's the plan for now!  So Monday, bring it on and let's get goin':

Looking For Serenity

When building emotional resilience within yourself, I find it best to start in small ways.  In the beginning, and even now, almost every day, I work on looking at what happens to me and telling myself that I cannot control what happens to me but I can control my response to it.

When you constantly struggle with something, it can be stressful because you keep doing the same action over and over again yet you keep achieving the same end result.  It feels as if you are hitting your head against a brick wall.  I usually end up asking myself  "Why isn't anything changing?   "Why isn't this working?"  I have a talk with myself and really try to see what's going on.  This is not an overnight process; at least it isn't for me.

Whether an event is good or bad, happy or traumatic, I tell myself that there is always an opportunity to step back and teach myself something about problem solving rather than looking at a problem as something that overwhelms me. Problems are not always personal threats or personal attacks. Problems are just part of life.

There are many times that I just never figure out what is going on and I just have to make peace with whatever's going on.  But other times I find when I slowly change my response to a situation -- the way I talk to someone, the tone of voice I use, my body language -- then sometimes; sometimes mind you, not all the time; small changes do come about.

And then there are times when you just have to let something be.  It is what it is.

That's when I am reminded of Reinhold Niebuhr's famous serenity prayer:

 God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.