My Patient Readers

Dear Patient Readers:

For over three years, I have been using Blogger to communicate with you and for me the process of posting Cry Laugh Heal to the internet was working out nicely.

 

From the beginning, my goal was to try and help others who lost loved ones and were searching for resources that could help them find a way to carry on without their precious person.  At Cry Laugh Heal, I  write about my experiences with loss and resilience but always with others in mind.  I draw strength from the stories of other people and I'm sure you do too.  It's about support.  No one should ever feel alone and without hope.

 

So when I recently discovered that my blog was difficult to find from a teckie-internet-google-search engine kind of way, I was told I needed to change to another software and thus also change the look of Cry Laugh Heal. 

 

It has been one big frustration after another and I am writing to apologize for the inconvenience of technological problems on my blog site.  If you have recently logged on to www.crylaughheal.com, you discovered for yourself that the site is changing.  I didn't know that you would be able to see the ever changing look of Cry Laugh Heal but there it is.

It has been very difficult for me to navigate this process and find someone to help me transfer more than three years of blog posts and pictures from Blogger to Word Press and then take the Word Press content and work it into a new template but I finally found a great tech guy.  Unfortunately, it's taking longer than I thought.

I miss my writing routine and communicating with all of you on a regular basis but I am also excited for the new Cry Laugh Heal site to be born.  In the meantime, I am tweeting at @crylaughheal and I have a Facebook page that can be found at https://www.facebook.com/crylaughheal?ref=hl.  You are welcome to join me there and I hope you do!!

Here's to a new and improved Cry Laugh Heal that I hope will see the light of day very soon and give you the helping hand you may be looking for as you work through your loss and embrace your new journey.

Peace.

Mary Kate

Listening to Easter

All about me are signs of renewal.  Easter is here and with it are the always hopeful signs of rebirth: the arrival of a new season of Spring, Christ's Resurrection, plants and flowers bursting forth in bloom and the feeling of being refreshed; of being given the opportunity to start over.

 

I still make and hide an Easter basket for my young adult son full of chocolates and jelly beans and multi-colored Peeps.  It's a tradition that we both enjoy and these days I laugh as he searches through the house for his hidden basket as I watch and say "hot", "cold" or "warm" depending on where he is in relation to the basket that has sometimes been hidden in places such as the shower, the dryer and the stove.

As my Easter unfolds, the Easter basket search always takes me back to my rambunctious childhood and also to the Easters when my husband was alive.  I know that Easter, and other holidays, are times of great celebration but also are emotionally difficult for those who have just lost loved ones.

 

I know of a woman who just lost her husband last month to cancer after a long and tough fight.  She has two young sons and my thoughts are with them today.  I know that her family and friends will do their best to make sure she and her boys are included in Easter activities but sadly there is no getting around the pain they all are feeling.

 

I think people are aware of others who are dealing with feelings of grief during the traditional holiday season of Thanksgiving and Christmas but holidays in general, whether it is Passover, Easter, Memorial Day or the 4th of July, all tend to carry their own little hidden emotional minefields.  Grieving is stressful all by itself and then when you add the pressure and expectations of holidays, it can add up to unexpected meltdowns because it hard to escape the old sights and sounds associated with these special days.

 

I found these helpful tips from the Hospice Foundation of America and thought they might be good to share:

 

-- Be aware than an approaching holiday might be a difficult time for you.  The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively and physically; this is a normal reaction.

 

--Take care not to drink alcohol (a central nervous system depressant) in excess, overeat (which brings fatigue), or overwork.

 

--Recognize that holidays won't be the same.  If you try to keep everything as it was, you'll be disappointed.  Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past.

 

--Be careful not to isolate yourself.  It's alright to take time for yourself but don't cut yourself off from the support of family and friends.

 

--Talk over your plans.  Decide what you want to do and what can be avoided.

Do what is comfortable for you.  May you find what works for you.

A Younger Point of View

Just to briefly, and I do mean briefly, follow up on yesterday's post about the ever changing dynamics of going online to share grief and loss experiences, a friend sent me the below link to a fantastic New York Times story addressing this very topic.

 

I loved this story about Millennials and hope you do too because it introduced to me some new websites I enjoyed discovering plus it highlighted the thoughts and feelings of a younger generation in the midst of trying to figure out the best way to deal with their grief their own individual way while helping others who are also trying to do the same thing.   

Here's the link to the New York Times story:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/23/fashion/an-online-generation-redefines-mourning.html?_r=0

I'm glad it's the end of the week.
I'm beat!

P.S.  Yesterday I had a lot to say and the words got away from me.  So sorry lovely readers for going long on yesterday's post. 

 

Have a great weekend I hope you get to do something fun, relaxing or outrageous!!
 

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Falling in love and being loved is just so oh-la-la isn't it?

May your heart expand today with the joy of being with your Valentine or having great memories of a special Valentine who may no longer be with you.

I'm sending this song out today to Valentines around the globe:

A Listening Binge

For the past several weeks, I have been on a listening binge and it feels healing.

 

There are a number of family members and friends who are going through various kinds of difficult personal situations and, in trying to be helpful, I have been listening to what they tell me they want to talk about, in particular what it feels like to be in their crisis, what they really wish they could do to solve it and how frustrating it is to have the situation go on and on.

 

Listening may seem as though it is a passive activity but it is definitely not.  I'm not just sitting in my chair staring vacantly at the person talking and letting my eyes roam around the room, thinking about something else that is totally unrelated to the person's thoughts nor am I just holding my phone up to my ear, doodling away on a piece of paper or reading something on my computer screen instead of listening to their words.

 

Pablo Picasso's The Flowers of Peace

I am listening to hear what they intend to say but are not exactly saying.  Listening is another way to show I care, that I am interested in them and invested in their troubles as I focus on the backstory of their words.  As in when they say they are angry about something, I sometimes get the feeling that they really mean to say they are scared.  I'm listening with my heart as I'm trying to understand and support.  It's an emotional exchange because we need each other to help figure out what our crazy creative lives are all about and sometimes we are too close to interpret what's going on. 

I also know that they would do the same for me if I needed to talk to them about my life and that creates a solid unspoken feeling of trust.  We have each other's backs so to speak.

 

Listening is a time to learn about the other person for they are pouring out their thoughts, emotions or sometimes both to you.  I have known some of these people for decades and am still learning new things about them and they way they feel about life.  I try to imagine what it would feel like to be the other person who is trying to deal with whatever the situation is.  And if I'm doing listening well, which I hope I am, then I sometimes feel as if I'm going through the problem too.
 

If you can't think of anything to say to someone who is handling a rough situation, you can always offer to support them through the gift of listening.

Listening is a way of honoring someone's story.

 

Strength Through Sharing

Sharing my stories, and those of others, can entertain, offer strength and inspiration and sometimes minimize the isolation that is felt in relationships or personal crisis.  I share to bond, to reach out, to reveal that I am vulnerable just like you.

No one knows when someone else's story will unexpectedly touch your life and help you gain a new perspective on a subject that you thought you knew enough about but you really didn't.  Someone else's words can bring new understanding to the life and death issues of physical and emotional survival and help you see things differently.

 

My son's girlfriend works at The James House in Richmond, Virginia and through her and this YouTube video below that a friend recently posted on Facebook I am becoming knowledgeable about the amazing work they do in their counseling, bringing hope to the lives of people who are emotionally, physically and sexually abused and/or stalked. 

 

The steady and important work of The James House, a non-profit organization (their services are free and confidential) which this year is celebrating its 25th anniversary, is to heal and to empower and to offer an independent and safe future. 

 

In this video you will meet a thoughtful and articulate woman named Samina Abdullah who is a community organizer at The James House.  Samina is a down-to-earth kind of person who is wise beyond her years and acts as an agent of change for her part of the world.  Or as she describes it, "I don't feel responsible for the whole world.  I feel responsible for my own little bubble."  Don't you love that idea?

 

Her thought makes me realize that I can be overwhelmed by what is happening in the world at large when all I really need to do is to focus on my little part of the globe.  We can start in your own communities, find our passions, whatever they are and follow them.  Do what you can do and do it the best way that you can.

 

When in doubt, just take the next small step:

 

 

More of Everything

There is always more out there for us to discover and embrace  . . .

Kimmy Kirkwood & Will Stacey's Love Story

The social media giant, Facebook, marked its tenth anniversary yesterday.

 

Big deal, you say?  It's just a place for people to go online and post the silly and sometimes significant happenings of their life? 

 

Yes.  That's exactly it.  Facebook is the world's largest social network, connecting 1.23 billion people to each other and Kimmy Kirkwood is especially grateful that on Facebook she can find a priceless record of pictures and status updates she had with the love of her life, a Marine named Will Stacey.

 

Kimmy Kirkwood and Will Stacey
Photo Courtesy of Kimmy Kirkwood

 

 

Will Stacey posting to Kimmy Kirkwood: "Regardless, I continue to love you like a fat kid loves cake." 

 

Come on.  Who could resist such a romantic thought, right? 

 

Kirkwood and Stacey planned to marry but in the last year of Stacey's deployment to Afghanistan in January 2012, he was tragically killed by an explosive device while on patrol.

 

Facebook has changed forever the way that people around the world stay in touch with each other but more significantly it has also changed the way that people grieve and remember the precious time they spent with their loved ones.

 

"Sometimes when I am lonely, I go back and read everything he sent me," Kimmy writes.  "I didn't think about it much then, but having it all in one place took on a complete new meaning when I lost Will forever."

 

Here is the sweet story of Kimmy Kirkwood and Will Stacey that was featured on BuzzFeed:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/after-her-marine-boyfriends-death-woman-finds-their-story-to?bftw

A New York Lesson

To have an uninterrupted block of time in which to read is to me a pure, unadulterated luxury.

 

Don't you just love that word luxury?  It just rolls off your tongue and sounds a bit sinful.

 

Reading for pleasure is healing and similar to putting your foot on the brake of life, stopping your normal crunched up, sometimes scattered daily routine, and allowing your mind to travel elsewhere.  When I find a book that has a compelling story line I am mentally gone and immersed in the characters and their lives and lose all track of the passage of time.  This past weekend, I found myself with two mornings in a row of relatively quiet hours in which to read and I used every second of it to enjoy a collection of short stories called "Good Bye To All That."

 

Essentially, the book is the work of 28 authors writers pouring their hearts out about why it was absolutely necessary and essential for them to live in New York City to become writers of importance, writers extraordinaire, and of course we all know that this kind of thing can only happen in New York City right?



My Favorite Building:
The Chrysler Building in New York City



Unfortunately, we also know that the best laid plans sometimes don't work out and then painful adjustments have to be made.  Usually this means leaving New York City, for at some point, even the most ardent of Big Apple lovers can get worn down by New York City and its frenzied pace.

 

But in between the arrival and the departure a vast amount of wisdom is learned by these authors about the hugs and punches of  life and each one lays bare their vulnerability in chasing their dreams and they write about how their New York lessons have stayed with them no matter where they ended up living after leaving.

One that particularly struck me, is a short story titled "Homecoming" by Mira Ptacin.  The author explains how she and her husband now live in a quiet and rural place called Peaks Island, Maine,  population 800,  years and years after living in New York City where they unfortunately practiced the selfish habit of constantly putting their careers first, always to the exclusion of their marriage.  While still in New York, Ptacin and her husband saw many red flags along the way signaling to them that they needed to spend more time together but none matched the impact of the sudden death of a childhood friend's father.

The loss forced them stop and wonder and think about what was actually important to them and eventually they ended up asking themselves a series of questions about what would happen to them if they got sick, who would take care of them, who would even care if they got sick or worse.  It made them re-evaluate their lives and they decided it was time to save their marriage or else pretty soon there would be no more marriage.

Loss can starkly show you what's truly important and what is a waste of your precious time.  Here is Ptacin's insight about the simplicity of life that she says she learned after her tragic loss:

"Brent's funeral was held three days after he died.  After the burial and as the sun was setting, we gathered at Brent and Rosemary's home.  We walked there from Andrew's childhood home, too, and we stayed until nearly 2 am, drinking on their wraparound porch, exchanging stories, eating Doritos, passing photo albums, and handing out tissues.  This went on for three nights, and kept going even after Andrew and I left town.

Here are some of the things I learned at Rosemary's that first week after leaving New York: I learned that when a widow is crying and smoking a cigarette, you let her cry and if you speak, it's to ask if you can get her another Diet Coke.  I learned that no one cares that much what you do for a living, but they will be grateful if you stay up with a six-year-old and watch Dennis the Menace because his grandfather is dead and he cannot sleep.  Rather than get into a political debate about the war, you thank an Iraqi veteran for his service.  You do not check your BlackBerry in the middle of a toast, and when someone hands you a crying baby, you hold it.  I learned that ice cream cake make grandpas feel really special, and when a neighbor invites you to swing by the food pantry during her volunteer shift so that she can take a look at that nasty poison oak on your shin, you go, and wait patiently until she can get free to see you.  I learned that you don't judge someone's worth based on what they can do for you and that you aren't expected to ask, "How can I help?"  Instead, you just jump right in."

That's exactly right.   

You just jump right in and embrace love and the whole range of magnificent feelings that life sends your way.

For when you put love first, you are home. 

The Notebook

I never know when I am going to read or hear something that I might want to use in writing a future blog post so I try to always carry a small notebook with me.  On the times that I have forgotten my notebook, I have written notes on the back of envelopes, cocktail napkins and business cards which then creates this messy pile of stray notes.

For now, the small spiral notebook I am using is almost full and it caused me recently to flip through the worn pages to check and see if I had missed anything that might be helpful to myself and others who are trying to rebuild their lives after a loss or strengthen their resilience when facing life's unexpected trials.

 

 

And then there it was.  Handwritten notes from a sweet conversation I had this past summer on the beach with a young woman in her twenties.  She had lost her grandfather and an uncle within a few months of each other.  We had just met and were casually talking about ourselves.  I told her about Cry, Laugh, Heal and surprisingly she then began telling me about her experiences with loss.

 

I write about this conversation today after so many months because I was struck by the common thread in her thoughts and the fact that if I closed my eyes and forgot about her age she could have been a member of my support group made up of people much older than herself.  She was voicing many of the same feelings older people have expressed after losing a loved one:  the need to talk, the shock and confusion and the contradictions brought by the pain of loss.

"People know you are going through an awful time of it and yet they talk to you as though nothing has happened," she said remarking on what it was like to go back to school after attending the funerals.  "I think people react this way because it's far too messy for them and they also think they're upsetting you.  And they definitely don't think about how you might want to cry and release your feelings."

She continued talking quietly about this experience and said after a period of time following the losses she knew she needed to be part of a  trusted discussion addressing grief issues.  The loss of her uncle and her grandfather made her realize that she needed to join a support group and she was so glad that she did.  She wasn't sure what she would find or what it would be like, but she came away surprised and also curious about the amazing dynamic that had occurred in her group.

"Isn't it weird how you can find yourself in a support group, among people who you have never met before, people who are strangers, and you start speaking honestly from your heart about how you really feel and what you are really thinking about.  I found that I was saying things to strangers that I couldn't tell my loved ones, the people who have known me for most of my life.  And for some reason the other people in my group felt that way too.  And it worked.  I felt I was with new friends."

Our discussion about life and loss was not for long; I would say at the most it was about 10 to 15 minutes.  But within that short window of time while we talked, I felt her willingness to expose her vulnerability on the contradictions of these grizzly subjects of loss and resilience was amazing.

 

Here's why:  in her young soul she had dug deep and found strength in a truth that sometimes takes many of us (myself included) a life time to discover.  That truth? 

 

Her words say it best: "Sometimes beauty comes out of pain.  I found that something good can come out of something tragic and that's hard for people to understand.  I think people are afraid to say something good came out of someone's death because we are afraid it would be seen as though we were glad that it happened when of course that is not the truth at all.  No one, no one wants anyone to feel that pain but it's surprising to discover that a light can come out of darkness."

Creative Encouragement

Each day is a new opportunity to find inspiration!

 

People, nature, architecture, words, acts of kindness or even criticism can spark inspiration in me to go forward and think about my life in a new or different way.  The world around us can serve to fuel the fire of our inner creativity or cause us to shift our ideas about the way life happens.

 

Inspiration keeps me going and renews my faith and hope in the future of myself and others.  Regardless of where you find yourself right now or what happened to you last week, last month or last year, you are capable of shaping your life to reflect your passions and goals.

 

We are a community of beings in need of each other and no one should ever feel they are alone in their precious life. 

 

We can heal.  We really can.

 

 

 

The Magic of A Party

The Washington, DC weather on Saturday may have been rainy, foggy and dreary but it had  no affect on the atmosphere inside one cozy house in Northwest DC where it was bright, warm and full of happiness.

 

Was this house in some kind of weather bubble?

 

Yes it was because it was the site of a birthday party that my super duper spectacular friends gave for me and I can say without hesitation that it was the best birthday party ever!!  Talk about healing!  Wow!  I was feeling the love and it was totally through the stratosphere for me in terms of people, food and fun!!!

 

Me and My Fantastic Son!

Truly great friends are a treasure to have and to hold and I keep my friends near and dear to my resilient heart.  These are the incredible people who were here for me after my husband died, these are the people who have helped me keep my heart open to the future and these are the people who came together and let their creativity flow to help me celebrate my magical birthday.

 

My friends are my soul mates and they make most things in life bearable because great friends always find the time to either hold your hand, listen to your story or go out and boogie on the dance floor with you!

 

The theme?  What else?  THE BEACH!!!

 

Mini beach balls, candles, sand, shells and best of all beach food.  As in lobster rolls, spiced shrimp, crab cakes, potato salad and tomatoes and mozzarella and chopped fresh basil.  And if that wasn't enough deliciousness, dessert was a Key Lime pie and a chocolate cake with many, many candles!!!!!!!! Totally yum, yes?

 

Home Made Lobster Rolls





And just when we thought we could not eat one more forkful, it was time to crank up the tunes and dance the night away! Donna Summer you would have been proud of us!!

 

Twerking, congo lines, and a version of something called The Throwdown, were just some of the dance moves proudly performed and thoroughly enjoyed!!

 

After all these years together, we've still got it going on and I thank you my dear friends from the bottom of my heart!! 

 

I am still flying from the emotional high.  And that's the true magic of a party!



Home Made Chocolate Cake

Falling Can Make You Stronger

One of my sisters sent me the video posted below that's about Moms and the endless, loving support they give their children.  In the case of this video, it shows Moms and their budding athletes in the beginning stages of learning their sports skills and then the years of repetition, the daily practice, practice, practice performed by the children until they reach the ultimate competition of the Olympics.

It's a wonderful video, tracing the path of infants and babies falling, getting back up, trying again and again, finally learning to ice skate, snowboard and ski so that they may perform more accomplished routines.

 

 

On another level, the video is also about raw persistence, resilience, determination and the commitment to never give up on your passions and your dream no matter what you decide to pursue in life.

Emotional resilience doesn't come to you just like that.  Unfortunately, you don't wake up one morning and suddenly you are resilient.  But don't be discouraged.  Resilience is the ability to become strong, healthy, bounce back or rebuild again after a loss, or a personal crisis.  The good news is resilience is something that can be developed within you.

 

You can gain strength through pain.  And little by little I bet you are doing it every day and you may not realize it.  Always get back up.  You can do it!

 

Here's the "Thanks Mom" video:

 

 

Kickstarting Change

Hey there!  I hope you had a great and productive weekend and if it wasn't one of those two things then I hope it was a weekend chock full of fun!

 

Mine was full but it was full of running interference for family members and in particular trying to understand the emotional needs of one family member.  I keep reminding myself that it's all about love, love, love!

 

In the midst of this whirlwind weekend of emotions, I found the following quote which I felt was insightful and particularly timely:

"And that is

how change happens.

One gesture.  One person.

One moment at a time."

                        ~ Libba Bray

Family Dynamics

I'm sure I'm stating the obvious when I say that every family has its own dynamic and its own way of relating to each other and I think that this special form of communication developed within the family over the years is revealed in its barest form on a holiday.

 

Let me tell you about mine.  Okay at least a little bit.

 

Take 15 adults, 8 grandchildren in their teens and twenties, 6 children under the age of six and one newborn baby and put them all together in close quarters for a number of hours and what do you get?

 

One large hungry and uninhibited family all talking at the same time about important earth shattering subjects such as food, sports, fashion and children.  People's responses are made to one another on the run while moving from one room to another or just loud enough for someone in one room to hear the other person.  What can you do? 

Christmas Day was full of welcoming kisses and hugs and flying wrapping paper and little ones mesmerized by electronic games.  It also was full of lots of spinach and artichoke dip and chips and cookies and peppermint bark.

  

Oh Behold Our Family Christmas Tree!!!!

I find as my siblings and I get older that so much can be said with a facial expression or a quick gesture of the hand.  Especially when your parents aren't looking.  

 

It may not have been entirely calm, quiet or an organized Christmas Day but it was ours and it worked for us.  It was a lot of work but at the end of the day, we were happy and blessed this year to be able to hang out with each other and I thank the Lord who allowed us to be together.  

 

Whether your family celebrated Christmas or not, I hope you were able to gather and feel some family love and make some holiday memories.

Confessions of A Mediocre Widow By Catherine Tidd

The title of Catherine Tidd's new book suggests she is a mediocre widow.

 

Don't believe it for one second.

Catherine Tidd is quite the opposite.  Catherine Tidd is in fact a courageous, smart and very funny woman in search of herself and an entirely different life while raising three young children after the death of her beloved husband, Brad, in a tragic motorcycle accident in 2007.

Her book is refreshing and down-to-earth and is full of painful and funny personal insights about what happened to her after the death of her spouse: the hospital, the funeral, her in-laws, the whole crazy upside down aspect of picking yourself up and putting yourself back together.  As a widow myself, I truly understand the tightrope walk of processing grief, raising a child, working a full-time job all the while trying to figure out what the hell is going to happen next in this so-called uncharted territory called a new life. 

 

 

Putting those intensely private and sometimes heartbreaking experiences down on paper for others to consider and understand is a difficult task but not for Catherine Tidd.  She has written an amazing book that I couldn't put down and I would recommend to anyone whether they have lost a spouse or not because she is straightforward yet humorous (my husband is dead and Keith Richards is alive?) about how her new life unfolded in the months and years following her husband's death. 

 

Many times while reading, "Confessions of A Mediocre Widow Or, How I Lost My Husband And My Sanity," I found myself putting the book down and saying out loud, "Yes! That's exactly right Catherine.  Yes! You nailed what it feels like at that particular stage of grief."

 

I have to reveal that I was familiar with Catherine's sense of humor before I read her book.  Her uplifting blog, "Widow Chick," (www.widowchick.blogspot.com) was the first blog about grief that I discovered online.  Right away I loved the name of her blog and read every post, sometimes laughing at the things she vented about and sometimes shaking my head in agreement with her about the emotional push and pull of navigating single parenting, anniversaries, birthdays, and the dating scene.

 

But her new book is chock full of more Catherine and it has given her the time and space to expand on how loss affects you and those who care about you and to really dig deep into a discussion of life on your own as a widow with children, a subject that tends to make most people feel very uncomfortable.

 

Catherine Tidd



Here is how Catherine explains what she wanted to have happen to her in the midst of dealing with her overwhelming grief: "I wanted to  walk into a padded room and throw the grocery list, the bills, the back-to-school forms, the insurance paperwork, just chuck 'em at a wall over and over until the paper was crumpled and soft.  I wanted to scream until my throat was raw.  I wanted to kick at those padded walls until my legs were sore.  I wanted to pull an Office Space and take a baseball bat to every appliance in my house that had the nerve not to work properly.  And sometimes I wanted to take my emotions out on an innocent teddy bear."

Catherine also writes about using retail therapy as a way of coping with the loneliness and isolation following her husband's sudden death.  She would buy tons of stuff, decide to keep one thing and then return the rest the next day.  This didn't make her very popular with the salespeople and her therapy went on for months until she got fixated on a new purchase: a Mazda RX8.  As in a car that doesn't have a back seat, is low to the ground and not child friendly at all.  I loved that she did this even though it was extravagant.

Here in Catherine's words are why the Mazda RX8 was such a necessary, yet temporary, purchase: "For a while, that car was the best therapy I could have had.  It was where I could go and just pretend for a minute that my life was not actually happening.  I could drive around and forget for seconds at a time that I had three kids at home who were in the throes of toddlerhood.  I felt empowered that I had bought that car completely on my own.  I would listen to music I liked, turning it up so loud that it would almost drown out the thoughts in my head.  And the tinted windows would show nothing at a stoplight if I just needed to sit there and cry for a minute."

Even though Catherine spent her 11th wedding anniversary planning her husband's funeral, she found the inner strength to move her life forward and "Confessions of A Mediocre Widow" is a candid book about the reality of becoming a widow and where the exhausting, emotional adjustments took her and her family.

The bottom line, Catherine writes, is the ability to become self-aware and realize that it doesn't matter whether other people understand your journey or not.  You will find the way that is best for you.  It may be a slow process but inner peace can come if you accept what your life is today.  She states a core truth about being a widow when she writes that there comes a point in every widow's journey when she has to make peace with the death of her loved one "and finally accept that, yes, this has happened to her.  Most of the widows who seem to all of a sudden turn a corner have one thing in common: they stopped fighting widowhood and started to work with it."

Thank you Catherine Tidd for sharing your heartfelt story in this beauty of a book, "Confessions of A Mediocre Widow."  You made me feel as though we were friends in this widow journey and I know your new book will help many others (widows or not)  understand that you have to put yourself out there and live life with as much love as you can find.

 

"Confessions of A Mediocre Widow" will be available in retail stores on Tuesday, January 7, 2014.  Copies can be ordered on Amazon.com at this link:

http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Mediocre-Widow-Husband-Sanity/dp/1402285221/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387507432&sr=8-1&keywords=confessions+of+a+mediocre+widow

 

or at Barnes & Noble at this link:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/confessions-of-a-mediocre-widow-catherine-tidd/1114864435?ean=9781402285226

Developing A Grief Pill

The pharmaceutical industry is researching the development an anti-depressant pill for people who are grieving.

Hmmmmm....

My gut feeling when I first read this story about the availability of a so-called grief pill in The Washington Post was that it seemed rather predatory of the pharmaceutical industry to be focusing its scientific expertise and vast financial resources on people when they are at the most vulnerable and sometimes lowest points in their lives.

I vividly remember the competing emotions I felt after my husband died.  Raw pain and numbness.  Exhaustion and adrenaline.  On top of all that, I was taking care of my young son, working a full-time job and all I wanted was someone to tell me was how long all of this was going to last. Unfortunately, no one could tell me  the length of time it would take for me to process my grief.  I now understand that figuring out how to live without a loved one is really and truly different for each person.

 

Yup, I enthusiastically support the marketplace being open to offering the largest array of medical options possible, including pills,  to alleviate the physical and mental pain of whatever disease or condition people are experiencing.

 

However, on the other hand, it is as though the pharmaceutical industry is saying that something is definitely wrong with you when you are grieving; that grief is similar to having high levels of cholesterol; that grief is a condition or a disease that needs to be treated with chemicals when that is usually not be the case at all.

 

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to the loss of someone you loved and cared about and unfortunately, it's extremely painful.  Pills are not the first solution that comes to mind because whenever you read or talk to a doctor about how bad you feel when you are grieving, they usually advise you to be very careful where drugs and alcohol are concerned because either substance by themselves or taken together can easily become part of an unhealthy coping system. 

When you take all of those factors into consideration, I have to conclude that the government's approval of industry efforts to research, manufacture and distribute such a grief pill is a difficult call. 

I did not take any pills while grieving for my husband but I honestly can say that I did think about how it would have been fantastic to be able to take a pill that would block all of the pain I was constantly feeling.  My desire was very strong to make the pain stop.  And the idea that there might be a pill that would take the edge off of my pain would have made life a helluv a lot easier to live.

But I also know that at that point in my life I could very easily have become dependent on any pill that would have made me feel so good.  Somewhere inside me I knew that the last thing that I needed was to be doped up when I had so much responsibility.  I never went to my doctor and asked for a pain or anxiety prescription because I knew that eventually I was going to have to feel the raw sadness of my loss and find a way to get on the other side of it.

There are cases when people do need medical help with their grieving process and I know that this needs to be taken into consideration but I think medicine already exists to take care of it.

 

How do you feel about this issue?

 

Make up your own mind by reading this link to The Washington Post story:

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/antidepressants-to-treat-grief-psychiatry-panelists-with-ties-to-drug-industry-say-yes/2012/12/26/ca09cde6-3d60-11e2-ae43-cf491b837f7b_story_3.html

Holiday Party Questions

Hi there!! It's me again and I am back today with what I hope is timely information to help you deal with the topsy turvy happenings of the holiday season.

You will, and probably already have, received invitations to holiday parties and you may or may not be looking forward to going.  If you have recently lost a loved one I am very sorry that this personal tragedy is happening to you.  Socializing while in the throes of grief can be a bit of a high wire act.

 

I say it's a delicate balance because you don't want to isolate yourself because that is unhealthy for your broken heart and sometimes isolation makes you feel worse about what is happening to you.  However, you also don't want to be accepting every invitation that comes your way because answering all of those unfiltered questions and comments about your loss  is emotionally draining.

What to do?

A guy I knew in my widowed persons support group handled it this way:  he took his calendar and opened it to the months of November and December and wrote in capital letters the word "NO" across the dates.  He said he did this because he didn't want to lie to his friends about his social mood, so when someone would call him and invite him to some party or funtion he would say, "Let me look at my calendar.  Yup, just as I thought, my calendar says 'no' I won't be able to make it."

While that might not be the most gracious way of accepting or declining an invitation it worked for him and the group gave him credit for thinking ahead and coming up with something to help himself.

 

Every effort does not always hit the mark.  Boy do I know this!  I went to a very large Christmas party by myself a number of years ago.  I knew some of the people there and tried to join in the festivities but after about 15 minutes I felt overwhelmed and went to go to the host and hostess and thanked them and explained that I had to leave.  I was an emotional wreck!

To help you decide what kind of social events will or will not work for you as you recover from a loss, AARP suggests you ask yourself the following questions:

--Is this event a "must do," and do I like doing it?

--Is it observed only our of habit or for reasons that no longer fit?

--What are the consequences of skipping the event for now?

--Is there another event we would all enjoy more?

--What would we like to do differently?

 

There is no rule book for healing after a loss.  I just know that it can't be rushed and that we must respect the process others go through to find their own path to processing their pain and trying to do it during the holiday season can make that precarious journey a lot more unpredictable.

 

Hugs to all!!

 

A New Week

I am with you my dear readers as we begin a new week together!!!!

I hope your weekend was full of exciting adventures and laughter and love and family and friends.

Mine seemed to zip by in a blink.

While I have many things that I want to tell you about, I ran out of time to sit down and put them in complete thoughts and sentences.

There is definitely more to come but today I leave you with the below thought since change and more change seems to be the theme of my life these days:

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it,

 

move with it,

 

and join the dance

 

                         ~Alan Watts

 

 

 

 

 



Heaven

There's a place where we all want to end up. 

We know it by name but where is it?  Where is Heaven?

I was thinking about Heaven yesterday while attending the wake of a man who was one of my father's best friends.

This man was a good man, worked hard, had a wonderful wife and children and tried to do his best for others.  I'm sure he is in Heaven, wherever that is.

I'm also sure that other people that I knew and loved are in Heaven: my husband, all of my grandparents, my aunt and uncles and some friends.

I believe in Heaven but the idea of not knowing where it is nags at me.  It's a concept that rolls around in my head.  Maybe it is up above us, waaay up above us, but who knows? And what do they do there?  I imagine that people in Heaven are different ages, not the age they were when they died, and that they do things that they loved such as playing baseball, or having parties or being at the beach.

 

This is my idea of Heaven

 

I also like to think that they are with us and try to guide and help us.

I think not knowing where your loved one is located is one of the big frustrations about grief.  You are physically cut off from a loved one when they die and there's no way to find out where they are or even how they are doing.

Is it asking too much to know these things?  I don't think so.

I think it's the least they could do after leaving us.  They should at least call, email or text us about what's going on with them.  They must know that we wonder.  They must know that we think about them all the time.

People who have had near death experiences have described what has happened to them and that is probably the closest we will come to finding out what Heaven is all about.

A lot of people talk about seeing a bright light and also seeing people they know.  Katie Couric aired an episode on her daytime show addressing the subject of Heaven and interviewed people who had been through traumatic experiences and spoke of going to heaven and then coming back to their lives.  In an interview Katie Couric did with Dr. Mary Neal, Neal describes being trapped underwater for  15 minutes and losing consciousness.  Neals' description of heaven is of a place filled with love, a love we have not felt here.

Maybe your ideas about Heaven are completely different.  Please share if your thoughts if you would like to!

Here is the link to the Katie Couric interviews with Dr. Mary Neal and others:

http://www.katiecouric.com/on-the-show/2012/10/08/to-heaven-and-back/