If it's March, it must be that time of year again when everything green is up for grabs and my family is never embarrassed to wear as much of it as possible.
Happy St. Patrick's Day to all and I'm sure you're planning to do it up proud!
My large and boisterous family gathered yesterday before the snow hit the Washington, DC area to celebrate our Irish ancestry and all the stops were pulled out for a grand time.
So in the tradition of my Celtic tribe, it was an afternoon of irreverent jokes and imitations, lots of food and drink and unspoken but deeply felt connections from heart to heart.
Hey there! I hope you had a great and productive weekend and if it wasn't one of those two things then I hope it was a weekend chock full of fun!
Mine was full but it was full of running interference for family members and in particular trying to understand the emotional needs of one family member. I keep reminding myself that it's all about love, love, love!
In the midst of this whirlwind weekend of emotions, I found the following quote which I felt was insightful and particularly timely:
A friend from a support group sent me a wonderful short poem (which I am sharing below) reminding me about the priority of today.
On one level, I suppose you could say it's about managing your time but on another level, I think it's about figuring out what's important to you and staying focused on the things you want to pursue or accomplish and the people in your life that you really want to hang out with.
That can be a tall order when you have lots of responsibilities from daily life vying for your attention but I find that most people will make, find or block out the time to do whatever it is that really fires them up even if they have to lose sleep to get it done.
The person who sent the below poem to me could not find the author and I couldn't either. Whoever the author is they gave us the gift of a solid message calling into focus the beauty of being in the moment and letting everything extraneous fly away.
Please check it out and see for yourself. . .
Be Spontaneous!
TODAY
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities; its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day -- Today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those awful eternities -- Yesterday and Tomorrow -- that we break down.
It is not the experience of Today that drives us mad -- it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what will happen Tomorrow.
There was something about the first email news alert that came into my work computer yesterday morning at 9:01 a.m.
"Reports of an active shooter at Navy Yard area. Avoid that area."
I don't know if it was the time of day, the location of the shooter or the fact that it was a Monday that made me stare at the email and think, "This is bad." Unsure of what parts of the city my colleagues planned to go for meetings or appointments, I immediately forwarded the Navy Yard email to everyone in my office.
The "active shooter" the email reported was a former Navy man who had launched an attack yesterday morning inside a building at the Washington Navy Yard, spraying gunfire on office workers in the cafeteria and in the hallway, killing 13 people. Parts of the city were in lockdown as the police and FBI searched the city by foot and by helicopters for two other shooting suspects seen by eyewitnesses.
Washington Navy Yard
I think that my instincts told me it was bad because I knew the Washington Navy Yard is the Navy's central headquarters, protected by armed guards and metal detectors and employees have to show IDs to get in. My Washington, DC office building is located in the northwest section of the city and the Navy Yard is located in the southeast section of the city. Fortunately, I was not physically close to the action. But that didn't mean I felt safe.
I am more than aware that the subject of gun responsibility is a hot button issue in which people feel passionately but when you live in a city where a mass shooting happens, you think only about how such a senseless tragedy could have been prevented.
I am tired of reading about people going to work, children going to school, people doing normal things, who then end up getting shot in cold blood and dying for no reason. It's beyond sad and it's frightening and I wonder how many more times things like this have to happen before gun responsibility becomes something we all are committed to have happen as a nation.
When I finally got home after reading news alerts all day that progressively got sadder and sadder, I turned on the television to listen the evening news. I knew it would be bad but I had not been near a television all day and I needed to hear and see what was going on. The usual news stories were broadcast at the beginning of the 7 pm nightly news, explaining how the awful events had unfolded and identifying the gunman in the Navy Yard attack killed by police as 34-year-old Aaron Alexis of Texas.
Dr. Janis Orlowski Chief Medical Officer Medstar Washington Hospital Center
But then I watched as a weary woman doctor appeared at a news conference. She was identified as Dr. Janis Orlowski, Chief Medical Officer at Medstar Washington Hospital Center where most of the victims had been taken by ambulance. The day's tragedy was reflected in her face and demeanor. She said the words I had been yearning to hear all day.
Here is a full text of Dr. Orlowski's poignant remarks:
"You know what, we see a lot of trauma. And you know, sometimes it's just, you know —accidents that occur that we get to help people with, because they're accidents. And then you see what I call senseless trauma. And there is — there's something evil in our society that we as Americans have to work to try and eradicate.
I — I have to say, I may see this everyday, I may, you know, be the Chief Medical Officer of a very large trauma center. But there's something wrong here when we have these multiple shootings, these multiple injuries. There is something wrong. and the only thing that I can say is we have to work together to get rid of it.
I would like you to put my trauma center out of business. I really would. I would like to not be an expert on gunshots and not to be an expert on this. We are — we do it well. Very experienced surgeons. But, quite frankly, I would rather they were doing their surgery on other things.
And you know, it's a great city. It's a great country. And we have to work together to get rid of this. Because we just cannot have, you know, one more shooting with, you know, so many people killed.
We've got to figure this out. We've got to be able to help each other. We're dealing right now with three innocent people.
But my prayers and my thoughts go out to those people who have died as a result of today. And, you know, their families and what they're going to have to go through. So I have to say, you know, it's a challenge to all of us. Let's get rid of this. This is not America. This is not Washington D.C. This is not good. So we have got to work to get rid of this."
Unfortunately, my son and I found ourselves there Sunday night because we needed to take my Dad to the hospital for medical attention to various issues that by themselves were not a big deal, but taken collectively, for a man in his 80's, they added up to a serious situation.
The doctors agreed about the seriousness of my Dad's symptoms but didn't decide to check him in until after midnight and then he was finally assigned a room around 2 am. By the time we got home, it was 3 am.
Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. After putting in a full day's work on Monday, I was looking forward to going to bed early but before I pulled the blankets entirely over my head, I wanted to say add a few words about nurses and their kindness.
Nurses are incredible. Their jobs are physically and emotionally demanding yet they continually show unbelievable amounts of compassion to people who are in various and varying stages of sickness.
Mixed in with all the beeping medical equipment that never seems to quiet down, nurses provide the essential human touch that people really need, especially in the middle of the night when things always seem worse. Sometimes it's a hug or a pat on the hand or a quick joke, but nurses seem to always be dispensing good will and just all around emotional support to those who feel sick or those who are scared and nervous about being in a hospital.
I'm not taking anything away from doctors and the obvious importance of their roles in anyone's medical care. But it's the nurses who end up rolling up their sleeves and doing the down and sometimes dirty support work of taking care of their fellow human beings.
My Dad is still in the hospital as of this morning and I know the nurses will be doing what they do best!
How do you try to take care of someone when they don't want you to?
I'm sure you must know a person you care about and perhaps even love who doesn't want you to help them even though it is obvious that help is very much needed. You understand the frustration right? It's the frustation of no matter how hard you try to offer various kinds of support, you never are able to do the right thing, the thing that will make them happy.
This is what I know I can do: I call on the telephone, I listen, I try to empathize. I visit as much as I can because nothing beats seeing someone in person. I offer to run errands. I bring food so the person won't have to cook and I clean while I'm in their house.
I think listening is the most important thing I can do because everyone knows that the more a person expresses his/her feelings, the better they feel. There's no point in trying to get them to open up if they're not ready or willing to talk.
Most of all, I try to maintain a calm demeanor.
This is what I don't do: I don't offer suggestions. I don't offer anything that could be viewed as a solution. I don't ask too many questions. I don't intrude into the other person's personal business. I don't react to negative comments.
It's a constant balancing act but I care about this person so I keep striving to maintain the balance.
They say that sharing is caring and I care so much about my readers that when I read the below post yesterday from the Bereaved Partners Support Group (@BereavedPartner on Twitter), I couldn't wait to share it with you.
So many things in this article resonated with me: especially the idea of stepping into your fears and working through them to find something new in your changed life.
Healing and recovery happen. It may not feel as though this natural process is happening to you but it is. You must believe in a new way of life and even a new point of view.
It doesn't mean that you won't miss your loved one. You will. But it will not feel as raw as it did in the beginning. I can't tell you how many people would tell me that my husband would not want me to live my life in a sad way; in a way of constantly feeling pain. I knew they were right but I didn't feel that way. I wasn't in that place yet. And then one day it did make sense to me and I did realize that it was okay to enjoy my life.
It is okay to buy some beautiful flowers. It is okay to go out and laugh with friends. It is okay to open myself up to new opportunities.
Please read the below story. I love it because it is so hopeful!!
Awakening
One of our group attendees passed on this passage to us to share with others. We encourage you to read it. It is eye-opening, grounding and beautiful…
BPSG Team
Awakening
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out… ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realise it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realise that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-resilience.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the out-dated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, its not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is a temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our souls. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
I am Catholic but I often find strength and wisdom in the teachings of other religions. We're all here in the same boat and we're all here to get along, so why not reach out and see what we can learn from each other?
With that thought in mind, I am sharing a short insightful piece that a friend gave to me. It is written by a rabbi and I found his thoughts to be very comforting. I hope you do too:
Getting Over It
By Rabbi Earl A. Grollman
My wife died fourteen months ago. Even though I don't feel as bad as when she first died, I'm still in terrible pain. My friends ask me, "Don't you think it's time you're over it?" How do I know when I've finished grieving?
Grief is not a weakness or an illness, even though some may treat you as though you were sick. "Getting over" the death of a loved one is not like "getting over" a cold, a broken bone or an allergy. There is no time limit, quick fix, or an easy cure. Grief is a continuing, slow, consuming process -- a physical, spiritual, and emotional response to agonizing separation.
Even with the passage of time, sadness does not completely disappear. There will be moments when you feel like your old self, as well as low periods, especially during holidays and anniversaries.
Here are some encouraging signs that you are effectively dealing with grief:
--Your body doesn't hurt so much. You feel a little less discomfort and a little more peace. Memories are recalled with more pleasure than pain.
--You care how you dress and look. You enjoy some old interests, activities and hobbies. You cope more effectively with other problems in your life.
--You are able to envision and plan future events with a degree of exciting anticipation.
--You think more of possibility rather than impossibility.
--You invite family and friends to be with you. You reach out to others. You commemorate holidays without feeling guilty for enjoying the day.
--You delight in keeping the room temperature at 65 degrees when your loved one always wanted it to be at 74 degrees.
--You accept your grief, your fears, your aloneness and say, "I miss her/him so much but I have to go on living."
"Getting over" the death of someone you care deeply about doesn't mean that you will be the same person you were before the loss. It doesn't mean that you've forgotten the person who died.
You don't get over it. You just continue to go through it. A widower who understands this message said eloquently: "I am less because she is no more. But I am more because she was part of my life."
In our post 9/11 world, I think a lot of us operate as though the other shoe is going to drop any minute. When I find myself in that mode, I try to put the brakes on the fear, the anxiety or whatever you want to call it because walking around worrying doesn't accomplish anything. Unfortunately, this can become a regular way of dealing with things, which can be harmful to yourself.
You can't worry about a situation because you can't control it. But you do have power over yourself and you can try to control your responses to life's more stressful events. You are re-teaching yourself how to respond to various people in your daily life and it takes some practice. The first itme I tried reacting differently to a situation I considered dysfunctional, I was truly surprised. I did feel calmer because I wasn't investing negative energy into it.
With that in mind, I saw this story in yesterday's Huffington Post and thought it was timely:
Worrying vs Caring: Do You Know The Difference?
By Donna Labermeier
Most people would say that worrying is pointless and a waste of time and energy. I submit to you that it is actually harmful. Here's why: Worry is fear-based. It is a projection of negative energy. Caring, on the other hand, is a projection of positive energy. When you care about situations or people, you're hopeful that things will get better. When you worry about them, you're afraid they won't.
Consider these three reasons you need to quit worrying, starting today:
1. Adding Fuel to the Fire:
When we worry about someone or something, we direct our energy toward the situation. We are, in fact, putting fear and doubt into an already shaky state of affairs. For instance, maybe you recently found out that a close friend hasn't been feeling well... something about a pain in her stomach. So what's the first thing you do? Probably start contemplating the myriad of medical conditions she could have (not that you're a doctor). Then, you call a mutual friend and discuss the issue with her -- "Cancer? Appendix? Kidneys?" (Not that she's a doctor, either.) So then that person goes to the beauty salon and discusses it some more, and those individuals commiserate and worry along with her. How many people is that now adding their energies into the mix? It's okay to talk about what's going on around you, but try to at least put a positive spin on it, like, "Carol told me she's been having some pain, but I'm sure she'll go see her doctor, and it'll all work out just fine. I hope she feels better."
Hear the difference? One approach is called spreading gossip, which is harmful, and the other shows she genuinely cares about another person's well-being.
Let's look at the news for a moment. Nowadays, we have 24-hour access to everything that's happening in the world. Most of which we can't do anything about. Now, I agree that it's important to be on top of issues in the news, especially when it pertains directly to our own lives, but you have to be able to cope with the barrage of information that you're inviting into your home. I'm sure there are a number of people out there who have become depressed, fearful and angry from getting an overdose of watching the news day in and day out.
Sometimes we can focus too much on the "doom and gloom." There are positive, uplifting news stories, also, and we need to start giving more of our attention to those. When our emotions collectively tilt to the negative, as worry, doubt, and fear set in, at what point are we possibly pulling more of the same challenges in for ourselves? When more and more people come into agreement about a particular idea, that collective consciousness can become so strong that it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If what we focus our energy on expands and continues to get stronger, then let's try focusing on something good.
2. Hanging on Like a Dog With a Bone:
Sometimes when we're really worried, we hold on to a problem so tightly that we block any kind of resolution from coming in. We end up throwing so much nervous anxiety at an issue that it winds up taking forever to get fixed. I'm not saying we should all sit around and do nothing when a challenge arises, but I am suggesting that once you take action to get it fixed, don't keep checking on it and asking, "Is it fixed yet? Is it fixed yet? Is it fixed yet?" You have to let go and release it once you set the solution in motion.
If you don't want something to perpetuate and persist, don't give it any energy! If you do, then by all means, keep checking. Otherwise, get out of your own way. Go work on something else for a while, and stop thinking about it. Because as soon as you do, the answer to your dilemma will show up, your problem will suddenly be fixed, or "that person" will finally call you back.
3. Internalizing Negative Energy:
Did you know that worriers can internalize so many harmful thoughts and feelings that they, in turn, can make themselves ill? When you keep pushing negative energy down into your physical body, that energy can manifest itself and materialize as dis-ease. Worry, fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, stress are all toxic to the human body. These emotions will damage your cells. They will literally eat away at you if you let them. Being a worrier is a very unhealthy position to put yourself in.
So, do yourself and others a huge favor and quit worrying! Instead, just care. Care about a situation being resolved, care about another person's well-being, and care about yourself. You'll feel so much better, and you'll make others feel a lot better, too. Start today by shutting the door on the things you're afraid of and opening a new door in anticipation of better things to come.
In Paris, lovers fasten padlocks to the railings of the Pont des Arts bridge. The couple then tosses the keys into the Seine river below, symbolizing their eternal love.
Happy Friday everyone!
The following quote is from the last paragraph of the novel The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thorton Wilder. I'm sharing it because I think it captures the essence of what we all strive to do while rebuilding our lives after the loss of a person near and dear to us:
"We ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten.
But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love.
There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning."
