Unwanted Care

How do you try to take care of someone when they don't want you to?

I'm sure you must know a person you care about and perhaps even love who doesn't want you to help them even though it is obvious that help is very much needed. You understand the frustration right? It's the frustation of no matter how hard you try to offer various kinds of support, you never are able to do the right thing, the thing that will make them happy.

This is what I know I can do: I call on the telephone, I listen, I try to empathize.  I visit as much as I can because nothing beats seeing someone in person.  I offer to run errands.  I bring food so the person won't have to cook and I clean while I'm in their house.

I think listening is the most important thing I can do because everyone knows that the more a person expresses his/her feelings, the better they feel.  There's no point in trying to get them to open up if they're not ready or willing to talk.

Most of all, I try to maintain a calm demeanor.

This is what I don't do: I don't offer suggestions.  I don't offer anything that could be viewed as a solution.  I don't ask too many questions.  I don't intrude into the other person's personal business.  I don't react to negative comments.

It's a constant balancing act but I care about this person so I keep striving to maintain the balance.

And so I keep on trying. . .

And trying. . . and trying.

A Special Picture

Snoopy at typewriter sharing his memories

A very good friend recently came over to my house to drop off some things.  It was a Saturday and she was out running errands and my house was on her route.  We both were trying to get things done so it was your usual routine drop off and chat for a few minutes to check in and see what's going on with each other.

Hi. How are you?

Great.  What's going on?

Not much.  So and so called me.  Listen to this...

She has been in my house tons of times and everything in my house is pretty much arranged the way it always is.  No big renovations or rearrangements going on here at all.  So it surprised me -- in a really great way -- when she came into the hallway and saw probably for the millionth time the black and white picture of my husband that has been hanging in the same place for years since he died. 

Now this picture really dates him because he is sitting at his work desk in front of a manuel typewriter (what is that?) and a rotary telephone (how does that work?) that has five clear square buttons across the base so you are able to put multiple callers on hold.

I love this picture of him and for the first time I found out that she loves it too!

We stood there and talked about the picture and about my husband.  It felt good and it was really a lift for me.  I think one of the most thoughtful things you can do for anyone who has lost someone is to talk to them about that person.  Tell them how that person affected your life, tell them what that person meant to you, share an experience you had with that person even if they already know the story.  Tell it again.  They'll never grow tired of it.

We know the person we lost was special but we want to hear from other people why they also miss that person; why the deceased person left a void in their life too.

It's comforting to share memories.  Try it and see.