Writing Through Your Emotions

To me, processing or working through difficult emotions such as grief, anger, frustration and confusion, is in a sense, breaking down the walls of why I feel a certain way.  Once I think I have figured out a pretty good reason why I think this is happening, I try to either get rid of as much of the feeling as I can or I try to readjust or "rebuild" my way of looking at the situation.

 

During the "figuring out" stage (which can be hours or months), my mind is usually a jumble of thoughts and emotions.  I may be feeling powerless in a situation that keeps repeating itself or getting worse.  Sometimes I grab a pad of paper and start writing down what's in my head -- even if it doesn't make any sense.

Writing can be an effective way of sorting through a problem or trying to find a new way to deal with life after the loss of a loved one.  Just seeing the partial thoughts or beginnings of ideas on paper has helped me get through whatever is going on.   In the beginning, you may only be able to think of a phrase or a few unrelated words but the act of writing it on paper feels positive.  It's also a safe and confidential way of dealing with your emotions because it's only on a piece of paper that you can later rip up.

 

Psychological studies have found that writing about stressful, traumatic or emotional events, like caring for a dying person or grieving their loss, helps people recover faster, both psychologically and physically.

 

Jotting down thoughts, almost in stream of consciousness style, helps me move forward because it's a lot like doodling.

 

In the beginning, your pen is just moving around and doesn't seem to be following any pattern.  Then, after awhile when you're just fooling around, a design or complete thoughts start to form.  In this case, if you allow your mind to wander and you keep trying to work through the conflicting emotions eventually things start to click and a kind of healing may start.

 

Of course it's hard to put your sorrow or your loneliness into words.  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.  Perhaps you can pretend you are talking to a friend or even talking to the person you lost as you search for the words that make sense.  Describe what you are feeling.  Write it down and think about what it really means to you in relation to your changed life; your life without your loved one.

 

Writing may help you feel more connected and supported and less like you are outside of yourself.

 

Writing is a resource that's available to you any time you need it.

 

 

Holiday Survival Tips

 

Finding Inner Peace During the Holiday Season

 

Whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah, the holiday season is filled with lots of conflicting memories and overwhelming expectations.

 

Let's be real: There is no such thing as a perfect holiday.

 

There is only the holiday that you create yourself and celebrate, hopefully with people you care about and people who also care about you. 

 

The size of the decorations, the cost of the decorations, the number of parties, the quantity of food and alcohol and the amount of presents has nothing to do with the happiness you may or may not feel during this time of year.

 

For people who are newly widowed or who have lost a child, a parent, a friend or a relative, the idea of being without that person during the holidays is incredibly painful.  Please accept my sympathies.  I am truly sorry for your loss.

 

I'm really not sure why I didn't fall totally and completely apart during the first holiday season after my husband's death.  I think I was too numb to feel anything and I also give a lot of the credit to my son who was only 13 years old at the time.  Somehow we, along with family and friends, kept going and we got through it, discovering an inner strength we didn't know we had.

 

Although I do have to admit that there were many times that I could not listen to the constant playing of Christmas music in the house, in the car and in stores.  I did find the music hard to bear and had to separate myself from it a lot.

 

In the hopes of helping others who are trying to figure out how they can get through the holidays while dealing with the loss of a loved one, here are some timely tips from the Hospice Foundation of America that may make this holiday season a bit easier for you:

 

-- Do what is comfortable;

 

-- Plan for the approaching holidays.  Be aware that this might be a difficult time for you.  The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively, and physically; this is a normal reaction.  It is important to prepare for these things.

 

-- Take care not to drink alcohol ( a central nervous system depressant) in excess, overeat (which bring fatigue), or overwork.

 

-- Avoid spending more than you like simply because it is expected.  Buying smaller gifts or giving the gift of time are important options to consider.  Feel good about not going into debt.

 

-- Recognize that holidays won't be the same.  If you try to keep everything as it was, you'll be disappointed.  Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past.

 

-- Be careful not to isolate yourself.  It's alright to take time for yourself but don't cut yourself off from the support of family and friends.

 

-- The holidays may affect other family members.  Talk over your plans.  Respect their choices and needs, and compromise if necessary.

 

-- Avoid additional stress.  Decide what you really want to do, and what can be avoided. 

 

-- Find the way that is right for you.

 

You are loved and you are not alone.  Ever.

A Special Picture

Snoopy at typewriter sharing his memories

A very good friend recently came over to my house to drop off some things.  It was a Saturday and she was out running errands and my house was on her route.  We both were trying to get things done so it was your usual routine drop off and chat for a few minutes to check in and see what's going on with each other.

Hi. How are you?

Great.  What's going on?

Not much.  So and so called me.  Listen to this...

She has been in my house tons of times and everything in my house is pretty much arranged the way it always is.  No big renovations or rearrangements going on here at all.  So it surprised me -- in a really great way -- when she came into the hallway and saw probably for the millionth time the black and white picture of my husband that has been hanging in the same place for years since he died. 

Now this picture really dates him because he is sitting at his work desk in front of a manuel typewriter (what is that?) and a rotary telephone (how does that work?) that has five clear square buttons across the base so you are able to put multiple callers on hold.

I love this picture of him and for the first time I found out that she loves it too!

We stood there and talked about the picture and about my husband.  It felt good and it was really a lift for me.  I think one of the most thoughtful things you can do for anyone who has lost someone is to talk to them about that person.  Tell them how that person affected your life, tell them what that person meant to you, share an experience you had with that person even if they already know the story.  Tell it again.  They'll never grow tired of it.

We know the person we lost was special but we want to hear from other people why they also miss that person; why the deceased person left a void in their life too.

It's comforting to share memories.  Try it and see. 

Emmylou Harris

Emmylou Harris

Happy Birthday Emmylou Harris!!  The Grammy-winner turns 65 today and I thought it would be appropriate to share one of my favorite songs that she wrote with another Grammy-winner, Bill Danoff.

The song, Boulder to Birmingham, recounts her feelings of grief in the years following the death of country rock star and mentor Gram Parsons.  Danoff also recorded the song with his group, Starland Vocal Band, on their self-titled debut album.

It is a beautiful, haunting song.  I think we all can identify with that feeling of doing anything, even walking from Boulder to Birmingham, to see the face of a loved one just one more time.  Once you listen to it, and you can find it on YouTube, I think you'll agree that Boulder to Birmingham stays with you for along time:

Boulder to Birmingham

Lyrics By Emmylou Harris

Music By Bill Danoff

I don't want to hear a love song

I got on this airplane just to fly

And I know there's life below

But all that it can show me

Is the prairie and the sky

And I don't want to hear a sad story

Full of heartbreak and desire

The last time I felt like this

It was in the wilderness and the canyon was on fire

And I stood on the mountain in the night and I watched it burn

I watched it burn, I watched it burn.

I would rock my soul in the bosom of abraham

I would hold my life in his saving grace

I would walk all the way from boulder to birmingham

If I thought I could see, I could see your face.

Well you really got me this time

And the hardest part is knowing I'll survive.

I have come to listen for the sound

Of the trucks as they move down

Out on ninety five

And pretend that it's the ocean

Coming down to wash me clean, to wash me clean

Baby do you know what I mean

I would rock my soul in the bosom of abraham

I would hold my life in his saving grace

I would walk all the way from boulder to birmingham

If I thought I could see, I could see your face.