It's A Wonderful Life

This time of year I am always on the lookout for when "It's Wonderful Life," is airing on television.

I could buy the DVD of this holiday classic but that would take the spontaneity out of it for me.  I like the surprise of turning on the television and finding it already on, or in the case of this past Friday evening, I caught it right at the very beginning.

I know that it's not a diverse film, I know that many things that happen in this film are dated and wouldn't be said or wouldn't happen today but I think "It's A Wonderful Life" is popular for other reasons.  The story's core message rings true today for all of us whether or not a particular group of people is featured in the movie or not.

It doesn't matter what gender or race you are or where you live or what you do, whether you are a parent or married or single because here's the message of the movie:  each person's life has a purpose.

 

We are George Bailey.

 

We may not know the effect that our life has on another person's but rest assured it does.  Each one of us is here on Earth for a reason and our life does make a difference and touches so many other lives.  The big things and the small things that we do and do not do not only affects our life, but also the lives of many others.  Please remember this idea when you are having a bad day and nothing seems to be going right.  You are probably doing something good and you just don't realize it.

 

Jimmy Stewart & Donna Reed star in "It's A Wonderful Life"

In the movie, "It's A Wonderful Life", we see that the town of Bedford Falls would have been known as Pottersville if it were not for George Bailey and the Bailey Savings & Loan offering help to the community.  Also when George is a boy he saves his brother, Harry, who then grows up to be a War Hero, from drowning in an icy pond, and George also prevents the pharmacist, Mr. Gower, from giving poisonous pills to a customer.

But George doesn't think twice about the good works he has done.  This is just the way he is wired.  Then one Christmas Eve a large amount of bank money is misplaced and he is desperate to find it. When he can't, all he can see is criminal charges and jail time in his future.  He decides he will be worth more dead than alive and then George starts thinking about suicide.  He drives to a bridge but before he can do anything, a man jumps into the river and George jumps in to save him.  After they both get out of the river, the man reveals himself to be Clarence, George Bailey's guardian angel. 

 

I love Clarence!  He is a great character with his large sleeping shirt and talk of earning his wings in Heaven for when he first arrives on Earth he is only an AS2, Angel Second Class.

 

This gem of a movie opened two weeks before Christmas in 1946 but it didn't do very well.  It wasn't until 1974 when it began airing on network television that it gained a huge following.  Ever since then the movie is shown during the holidays and is a wonderful reminder that life is all about love and taking care of each other.

As Clarence writes in his thank you note to George: "No man is a failure who has friends.  Thanks for the wings.  Love, Clarence."

Holiday Party Questions

Hi there!! It's me again and I am back today with what I hope is timely information to help you deal with the topsy turvy happenings of the holiday season.

You will, and probably already have, received invitations to holiday parties and you may or may not be looking forward to going.  If you have recently lost a loved one I am very sorry that this personal tragedy is happening to you.  Socializing while in the throes of grief can be a bit of a high wire act.

 

I say it's a delicate balance because you don't want to isolate yourself because that is unhealthy for your broken heart and sometimes isolation makes you feel worse about what is happening to you.  However, you also don't want to be accepting every invitation that comes your way because answering all of those unfiltered questions and comments about your loss  is emotionally draining.

What to do?

A guy I knew in my widowed persons support group handled it this way:  he took his calendar and opened it to the months of November and December and wrote in capital letters the word "NO" across the dates.  He said he did this because he didn't want to lie to his friends about his social mood, so when someone would call him and invite him to some party or funtion he would say, "Let me look at my calendar.  Yup, just as I thought, my calendar says 'no' I won't be able to make it."

While that might not be the most gracious way of accepting or declining an invitation it worked for him and the group gave him credit for thinking ahead and coming up with something to help himself.

 

Every effort does not always hit the mark.  Boy do I know this!  I went to a very large Christmas party by myself a number of years ago.  I knew some of the people there and tried to join in the festivities but after about 15 minutes I felt overwhelmed and went to go to the host and hostess and thanked them and explained that I had to leave.  I was an emotional wreck!

To help you decide what kind of social events will or will not work for you as you recover from a loss, AARP suggests you ask yourself the following questions:

--Is this event a "must do," and do I like doing it?

--Is it observed only our of habit or for reasons that no longer fit?

--What are the consequences of skipping the event for now?

--Is there another event we would all enjoy more?

--What would we like to do differently?

 

There is no rule book for healing after a loss.  I just know that it can't be rushed and that we must respect the process others go through to find their own path to processing their pain and trying to do it during the holiday season can make that precarious journey a lot more unpredictable.

 

Hugs to all!!

 

Holiday Mash-Up

In music, mashups are when a performer or group combines the instrumentals of one song with the vocals of another song and then the mashup, or blending if you will, is played as a new song.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it flops.

 

In retail, this is the time of year for practicing what I think of as a huge marketing mash-up.  Stores no longer wait for one holiday to almost happen and then stock the shelves with the decorations or products for the next holiday.  There is no longer any retail restraint with regard to holidays; it's just throw it all out there at any time and let the calendar be damned.

 

I guess if I made a living in retail I would understand this "go for broke" philosophy.  Most stores are counting on shoppers during the holiday season to help them rack up profits for the year but the holiday marketing mashup makes it awfully hard for those who have lost a loved one and are using all their strength to emotionally keep it together.

 

Christmas decorations are on the shelves in October, Thanksgiving table decorations are on sale in September and Halloween candy can be found next to August's displays for school supplies.  It's confusing to know what time of the year it is if I'm using stores as a seasonal guide.

 

Since most of the retail rules got kicked to the curb, I'm suggesting a few things for those who are particularly emotionally vulnerable the holiday season.  If you are able to embrace the holidays in all their magic and wonder then good for you!! I congratulate you on your good luck and I hope that no matter what holidays you celebrate that you have the best holidays ever!!

 

But for people who are newly widowed or have lost a child, a relative or a friend, the holidays are filled with memories and expectations.  And this is where the marketing mashup causes problems.

 

Memories, yes, are wonderful, and I feel blessed to have some great memories of my late husband but I know from personal experience and also from conversations with those who have experienced a loss that as much as you steel yourself for the celebration of religious and traditional holidays, you only have enough emotional energy to deal with them one at a time.  Holiday reminders thrown at you all at the same time can put you into emotional overload which is not what you want at all.

 

Your life has changed and it's important to take care of you.  There is no requirement that you celebrate your holidays the way that you always did when your loved one was alive.  If you haven't already, talk to your family and friends about what you want to do over the holidays.  If traditions and time honored routines give you comfort, then please continue with the ones you feel you need and want to keep.   If you want to create new traditions, then you should feel free to celebrate in a new way.

 

Holidays are a highly charged time of year and you deserve to find a healing zone within these months of eating, drinking and making merry. 

Trust your  instincts.  It's best for your mental and physical well being to take the holidays at your own pace and celebrate in your own way, not a mashed up, commercial version of what Madison Avenue thinks you should do.
 

Preventing Burnout

Holidays are the best!  They always seem to arrive at the right time, just when we need a break from our daily routines.  Just when we need time out to relax and recharge.

 

 

 

Holidays help us take a break, both mentally and physically, from the responsibilities we carry out every day. I intend to sleep in, exercise more, hang out with friends, and read.  I do all of these things on a regular basis but holidays allow me to do them for longer, uninterrupted periods of time.  And I can do them spontaneously which adds to the fun.

 

Holidays also opens up our creative juices and gets us to thinking of different ways to decorate our houses, apartments or even ourselves!  We try new recipes and sometimes even travel to a new place.

 

When we continually do our work routines or personal responsibilities over and over again in just the same way, every day, with hardly any break in the routine, we can start to burn out and then things start to go bad.  You can be on the path to burning out and not really know until it's too late.  Others probably know it because they see a change in you, but you are probably determined to power on, pushing to do what you need to do at all costs.

 

It's time to take a break!

 

The Washington Post story below is about nurses and how they deal with patient burnout but their solutions could be our solutions too:

 

Nurses at the Georgetown Lombardi Comprehensive Cancer Center
do stretching exercises
Photo by Marvin Joseph/The Washington Post

 

http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2013-06-10/national/39865768_1_burnout-intensive-care-unit-nurses

Getting A Life

"Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast? Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water gap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your Dad. Get a life in which you are generous."

 

                                             ~ Excerpt from Anna Quindlen's Villanova Commencement Speech, 2000

 

 

 

Baby Practices Picking Up Cheerios

 

 

I worked a few hours in the office yesterday and then was able to leave early.  I didn't feel guilty at all about cutting the work day short.  I was looking forward to meeting my son at the movies.  We saw "Les Miserables" and I enjoyed it but I prefer the stage version of the iconic story about the French Revolution.

 

While waiting in the lobby, I let my mind wander and watched the cold, rainy weather outside.  I could feel my shoulders relax as I looked up at the clear slanted ceiling and my eyes followed the sliding raindrops down the glass.  After a few minutes, my mind seemed to empty of office concerns and I starting thinking about the importance of mentally and physically breaking from my work schedule.

 

I could work all the time if I wanted to.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with work and I am happy to have my job.  I have a strong work ethic and get a lot of satisfaction from doing my job and doing it well.  But there comes a point when you need to recharge and you can't do that if you are always working and always pushing yourself to do more work.

I find that working constantly starts to make me inefficient.  I start to get tired, I get headaches easily and I start to answer people in a short manner.   When I start experiencing those symptoms, I know it's time to take a break and do some of the things that Anna Quindlen suggests in her quote above: pick up the phone, call a friend or a family member, write an email, connect with another person.

I need to work to support myself financially but I also need to remember -- especially during the holidays -- to take a break and enjoy the treasures of my life.
 

Do Not Look Away

 

 

Courtesy of CNN.com

  

Holding a hand.  Giving a hug.  Opening your heart.

 

We must not be afraid to offer comfort and empathy.

 

I know it's hard to step outself of yourself and reach out to others in pain. To empathize requires introspection which is not a very popular exercise these days.  Introspection requires you to stop thinking about yourself and imagine what another person is feeling in a situation you would not want to happen to you or anyone else.

 

I know it is only a few days until Christmas, a time when Christians traditionally celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and people would prefer to surround themselves in the comfort of a commercial Christmas, a Christmas of unending presents and idyllic settings full of twinkling lights, freshly baked cookies and smiles and holiday joy.

 

But there is also another Christmas, equally as powerful: a Christmas belonging to those newly bereaved, a Christmas belonging to those whose child has died. 

Please pause this Christmas and think of these people who are desperate in their sorrow.  No matter what the reason, a shooting, a disease, an accident or a medical condition, these parents should not be ignored because they may make us feel uncomfortable.

 

To truly be filled with the spirit of Christmas, we must give of ourselves.  Though it truly is every parent's nightmare, please do not look away from those who are grieving the loss of a child.  Besides the deep pain they are experiencing, there is also an outrage that they are feeling; an outrage that they will never know what the child might have become.

 

They need our help.  They need to know they are not alone.

 

Please read the following Washington Post story written by a mother who writes of her raw feelings following the death of her child.  May it inspire all of us to be courageous in the face of grief:

 

Courtesy of CBS News

 

The death of a child: A parent’s worst nightmare

By Ann Hood, Published: The Washington Post, December 21

Ann Hood is a novelist and short-story writer living in Providence, R.I.

We are stunned. We are outraged. As a nation, we are questioning laws on gun control, questioning how such a thing can happen. These are all appropriate responses to the tragedy in Newtown, Conn.

 

But there is a repercussion to all this that will continue long after laws are changed and life, unbelievably, gets back to normal: the grief of the parents of the 20 children killed. How many times have I heard that this is a parent’s worst nightmare? As someone who has lived the nightmare of losing a child, I know that the enormous hole left behind remains forever.

My daughter, Grace, was not killed by a gun. She died suddenly at age 5 from a virulent form of strep. As I stood stunned in a church at her memorial, one of the hardest things I heard someone say was, “I’m going to go home and hug my child a little tighter.” Well, good for you, I thought. I’m going to go home and scream.

What can be said in light of such grief? What can you do? The problem is that no one can give the parents what they want most: their child. Long after the memorials fade and the casseroles stop coming, that child is still dead, and those parents are still grieving.

I offer here what I have learned about grief in the 10 years since my Gracie died:

I learned that platitudes don’t work. Time doesn’t heal. She is not in a better place. God does give us more than we can bear sometimes. I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words. I have learned that even in the face of loss, clothes still get dirty and bills still need to get paid. Friends who laundered our socks and answered our e-mails, who mowed our lawn and put gas in our cars, helped us — a lot. The friend who came one afternoon and went through Grace’s backpack, carefully storing her kindergarten workbook and papers, hanging her art on the refrigerator and her raincoat on its hook in the mudroom, had more courage than the ones who told me to call anytime.

Some friends sat with me day after day, week after week and, yes, month after month, and let me talk while they listened. I told the story of Grace’s last day over and over, as if by telling it I could make sense of what had happened to her, to us. But there is no sense to be made of such tragedy, and when I realized that, they let me wail and bang my fists and curse.

As time passes, people return to their ordinary lives, while grieving parents no longer have ordinary lives. They are redefining themselves, and they are at a loss at how to move forward. There is a woman who still sends me a card on Grace’s birthday and every Mother’s Day, who sent cards weekly for more than a year, a lifeline to a grieving mother. The people who even now, a decade later, still say Grace’s name, still comment on her quirky style and artistic talents and love of the Beatles, continue to help me through my days, simply by remembering her.

How easy it is to look away from grief, as if it might be contagious, or too frightening to face. But the Newtown parents have a difficult, lifelong journey through grief ahead of them. Somehow, the seasons will change, the anniversaries will stack up one after the other. They will, unbelievably, smile again. They will make dinner and change jobs and buy clothes and celebrate and travel. They will go on. But there will always, always, be this grief, softened and dulled but present every minute of every day.

Do not forget that. Look them in the eye. Take them in your arms, and do not let them go.

Fab Friday

What can I say except that I am oh so very glad that today is Friday!!

It's the end of a work week that has no word to describe it.

Could it be that as the year is coming to an end, people are looking at the calendar and suddenly deciding they want to wrap up their business concerns or invoices?  Could it be the whole "fiscal cliff " fiasco?  I don't know but whatever it is, this week has been incredibly freakin' busy.

I arrive in the office thinking it's going to be one kind of day and then it ends up being another kind of day.  What do you call that kind of dynamic?  You know, the kind of day when every activity starts to blend into the next one and you just try to ride the mojo.

People In Motion
By Yael Mann

I'm happy to have my job but this week stands out for the increased pace.

 

This is also the time of year when I think to myself, "Why didn't you start some of your Christmas shopping in November?"  I truly admire those people who are able to start Christmas projects months ahead of time and then store them away for the holidays.  Or the people who start baking weeks ahead of time and then take comfort in all the goodies that have in the freezer ready just in time for holiday parties.

 

Organization is at the top of my list of things to do this weekend and maybe some exercise to burn off the extra calories I have been indulging in during December.

 

What are your weekend plans?

Being All In

 

 

 

 

 

This holiday season, I am appreciating the endless decorations of bows, bells and evergreens, listening to the traditional Christmas music that seems to be playing everywhere and trying to find wonderful presents for those that I love.

 

I've been to a few Christmas parties and also donated to schools and other groups who are dependent upon help from others so that they may continue their community work that is so crucial to helping men, women and children who are homeless and without a place to go for regular shelter and meals.

 

I am trying to give of myself and think positive thoughts because I know if I put myself in that mindset then I will act positively and carry on in a meaningful way.

 

I know there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays, there is just what we are comfortable with and what we feel is right for ourselves.

 

But I still don't feel that I'm "all in" to the Christmas spirit.

 

Maybe I'm overthinking it and I should just allow it to happen rather than wondering why I don't particularly feel it.  I'm not sure.

 

Maybe it's that I feel emotionally spent by personal situations where I am constantly trying to be supportive but it doesn't seem to be making a difference.  That is a hard one.  I think we all have come up against that kind of situation.  I am trying my best, and so are others, but at a certain point, you can only do so much.

 

I guess at the end of the day, it's really all about love.

 

How are you feeling this holiday season?

Holiday Kindness

New York City Police Officer Helps Homeless Man

Since everything can feel exaggerated during the holidays, doing one kind act can affect change and make a difference in someone else's life.  Many times when I pass a homeless person on the street, especially if it's a woman, I think, "There but for the grace of God go I." 

If I can, I give money or food.  But the story below about the actions of a New York City police officer shows there is the opportunity to go further.  So many times we read or hear about the negative side of life; the violence and disrespect towards each other.

And then someone jumps out and performs a simple act of human kindness.

This story is what the holiday spirit is all about and it challenges me and, perhaps you, to do one kind thing for someone else this holiday season.  Just one.  I donate clothes and canned goods but I can do more.

Maybe it's a smile you give to a co-worker you don't like or maybe you call a friend or a relative you haven't spoken to in a long time.  Maybe you rake a neighbor's leaves or maybe you bring a meal to someone who has just lost a loved one.

It's up to you.  Your kind act probably won't go viral as this one did, but you gave of yourself and helped another person and that's also what life is all about.

NYPD officer's act of kindness goes viral on Facebook

Published November 29, 2012

FoxNews.com

 

NEW YORK – An NYPD officer's act of kindness has gone viral on Facebook.

Jennifer Foster, a Florence, Ariz., tourist, posted a photograph of the officer giving a homeless man a pair of boots and socks on a frigid night in Times Square on Nov. 17.

"'I have these size 12 boots for you, they are all-weather. Let's put them on and take care of you,"' Foster quoted DePrimo as saying to the homeless man. "The officer squatted down on the ground and proceeded to put socks and the new boots on this man. The officer expected NOTHING in return and did not know I was watching."

The image became an instant hit on the NYPD's Facebook page. More than 308,861 users "liked" his generosity as of Thursday morning.

Newsday identified him as Larry DePrimo of Holbrook, Long Island. He's assigned to the 6th Precinct in Manhattan.

The homeless man said he'd never had a pair of shoes. DePrimo purchased a pair of insulated boots and thermal socks and put them on the man's feet.

DePrimo said the man "smiled from ear to ear. It was like you gave him a million dollars."

He told The New York Times that "it was freezing out and you could see the blisters on the man’s feet. I had two pairs of socks and I was still cold.” He learned the man's shoe size was 12.

The police officer went into a nearby Sketchers shoe store and the manager offered him his employees' discount, which brought the price of the boots from $100 to $75, the paper reported.

"Most of us are New Yorkers and we just kind of pass by that kind of thing," Jose Cano, 28, a manager at the store, told the Times. "Especially in this neighborhood."

Holiday Survival Tips

 

Finding Inner Peace During the Holiday Season

 

Whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah, the holiday season is filled with lots of conflicting memories and overwhelming expectations.

 

Let's be real: There is no such thing as a perfect holiday.

 

There is only the holiday that you create yourself and celebrate, hopefully with people you care about and people who also care about you. 

 

The size of the decorations, the cost of the decorations, the number of parties, the quantity of food and alcohol and the amount of presents has nothing to do with the happiness you may or may not feel during this time of year.

 

For people who are newly widowed or who have lost a child, a parent, a friend or a relative, the idea of being without that person during the holidays is incredibly painful.  Please accept my sympathies.  I am truly sorry for your loss.

 

I'm really not sure why I didn't fall totally and completely apart during the first holiday season after my husband's death.  I think I was too numb to feel anything and I also give a lot of the credit to my son who was only 13 years old at the time.  Somehow we, along with family and friends, kept going and we got through it, discovering an inner strength we didn't know we had.

 

Although I do have to admit that there were many times that I could not listen to the constant playing of Christmas music in the house, in the car and in stores.  I did find the music hard to bear and had to separate myself from it a lot.

 

In the hopes of helping others who are trying to figure out how they can get through the holidays while dealing with the loss of a loved one, here are some timely tips from the Hospice Foundation of America that may make this holiday season a bit easier for you:

 

-- Do what is comfortable;

 

-- Plan for the approaching holidays.  Be aware that this might be a difficult time for you.  The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively, and physically; this is a normal reaction.  It is important to prepare for these things.

 

-- Take care not to drink alcohol ( a central nervous system depressant) in excess, overeat (which bring fatigue), or overwork.

 

-- Avoid spending more than you like simply because it is expected.  Buying smaller gifts or giving the gift of time are important options to consider.  Feel good about not going into debt.

 

-- Recognize that holidays won't be the same.  If you try to keep everything as it was, you'll be disappointed.  Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past.

 

-- Be careful not to isolate yourself.  It's alright to take time for yourself but don't cut yourself off from the support of family and friends.

 

-- The holidays may affect other family members.  Talk over your plans.  Respect their choices and needs, and compromise if necessary.

 

-- Avoid additional stress.  Decide what you really want to do, and what can be avoided. 

 

-- Find the way that is right for you.

 

You are loved and you are not alone.  Ever.

Staying Young At Heart

Next week is Thanksgiving!! How did that happen?

The calendar says November (I checked it!) but I feel I'm still mentally stuck in the summertime.  I really am having a hard time this year getting used to daylight savings time and it being dark so early.  It doesn't feel great to leave work, walk out of the building and it's already night time.  It is just not my thing at all.  I love it when it is 7 or 8 o'clock at night and it's still light outside!

 

It's the best!

Plus this year, Thanksgiving seems early and then all the shopping and parties start and before you know it, Christmas is here.

I'm looking forward to catching up with my son who has been away for months and other members of my family I haven't seen for awhile.  Then there are always those memories of holidays in the past which sometimes sit in the back of my brain, vying for attention.  These memories can be triggered by a person, a song, even the smell of particular food.

 

For instance, whenever I smell that burnt, roasting smell of chestnuts cooking, I am instantly in New York City with my husband.   And whenever I smell turkey stuffing or the ingredients of stuffing cooking, I am back in the kitchen of my childhood.

 

I think it's healthy to take these good and bad holiday memories "out" shall we say, and visit with them but not obsess over them.  Acknowledge that they happened, talk about them or write about them if that makes you feel better and then put these past memories back in their mental place.

 

Today is what counts.  Not something that happened many years ago that you can't change and might not want to change.  Express what is appropriate and then move on.

 

This holiday season my priority is to stay emotionally well and appreciate simplicity.  In browsing the web to research ways to reinforce this idea for myself, I came upon a short list of tips written by Joan Westlake for healthkey.com that I think is a good starting point for being positive and staying young at heart:

1. Love

Affection and companionship are the best medicines for the heart.  Fabulous friends, great grandchildren, salubrious siblings and nice neighbors keep you involved in life.  Revel in romance.  Pets provide unconditional love plus the hugs and warmth on which the soul thrives.

2. Give

What you give truly comes back 10-fold.  There are children longing for someone to read them a book, homeless folks hungry for a helping of kindness with their soup, homebound people waiting for a ray of humanity to brighten their day and friendly dogs needing a walk while the hope for a forever family.

3. Move

Get on the go.  Swimming is one of the best ways to keep in shape well into your 90s.  Start your day off with a walk or hike.  Take a dance class and get out and Salsa, Two-Step or Disco.  Tai chi and yoga guide you in ancient movements to enrich your body and soul.

4. Explore
Take a trip.  Learn a new language.  Start a new business.  Go live in the place of your dreams.  Find your spiritual nature.  Go boldly into new worlds.

5. Party
Celebrate and embrace each birthday!  Invite friends of all ages.  Dance and play loud music.  Eat cake and steak and have that rowdy shot of tequila or expensive glass of wine. 

You're worth it!!

Holiday Mental Health

New York Daily News Photo

The holidays are all around us and sometimes it feels as though the songs, the decorations and even the food are reminders of the beloved people we lost.  This time of year can be hard for those of us in search of a place of peace.  We quietly ache for the presence of a particular person while we also try to live in this season of celebration.

If you feel as though you are at that point of bearing too much, it's okay to take a break from your emotions.  You may feel lost but you also deserve to feel some comfort and joy.  Your loved one would not want you to be miserable.

Pushing your thoughts to another place, even temporarily, can have the effect of rebooting your outlook on life.  This in no way dishonors the seriousness of the emotions you are trying to process or the memories of our loved ones.  Grieving can be stressful and tiring and those who are dealing with the paradox of the holiday season need to make sure they take care of themselves mentally and physically.

Photo by Aaron Knights

Here are a few holiday stress busters you might want to try:

-- Take a walk.  It doesn't matter where you go or how long you walk, but spending some time with nature can be calming.

--Turn off the television.  It can be good to hear another voice in the house but too much television just becomes draining.

--Do something you are good at.

--Try not to set your expectations too high.  Those perfect holiday gatherings that you see in the movies aren't representative of most families.

--Make a memory box, collage or journal to store your thoughts and memories.

--Keep things simple.  You don't have to decorate if you don't want to and you don't have to follow your holiday traditions.

What's your favorite holiday stress buster? 

The Month of Thanks



A Bowl of Hot Smashed Spuds...YUMMMM



As we get ready for that time of year when we traditionally pause and give thanks, this year may be hard for some to find a reason to be thankful.

If you have recently lost a loved one, a holiday celebration can exacerbate all the jumbled up feelings you are experiencing and trying to understand.

Thanksgiving was the first holiday that happened to me and my son after my husband's death.  Our son was thirteen at the time and he and I decided to stick to our usual Thanksgiving routine of having dinner at my parent's house with some of my siblings and their children. Basically, we thought it would be best if we stayed with what was familiar.  I know some people go the opposite route and mark the holiday in a completely new way after a loved one has died.  I understand that thinking and I would have loved to have traveled to a place where I didn't know anyone but I didn't think that would be good for my son.

I think I knew that Thanksgiving day would feel very different without my husband but I didn't really understand how different it would be until the day was set in motion.

On one level, you pretend that it's a day like any other day and your loved one just isn't around.  I didn't really consciously think about why he wasn't there with me; he just wasn't there.  I think I thought that if I kept moving forward through the day, the concept of his death wouldn't catch up to me.  I was fine until I actually arrived at my parents house and I saw the table set and everyone busy preparing food as though it were any other Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving.





NOT!  It sounds so silly but the full impact of that day didn't actually hit me until then.  I quickly looked around the room and realized I was there without my husband and that my husband wasn't there because he just died.  My son was with me but as soon as he saw his cousins he went off and played with them which was perfectly normal.  I was glad for him and I wished that I had some friends to go and play with so I wouldn't have to deal with reality.

The only way I can describe how I felt that day is that as I looked around the room and I felt very lost and I thought to myself, "How can everyone act like nothing has happened?  I feel awful!"  I ended up crying and going for a ride in the car with my Dad.  We talked for a long time and I gathered myself together and we went back for dinner.  It's wasn't great but I got through it.  That year I was just thankful to get through the day.

Thanksgiving was the first of many times that I GOT THROUGH IT.  After about a million times of getting through things, I slowly began to notice a shift in my emotions: I didn't always feel so close to tears and I didn't always feel outside of myself.

This year before I dig into my mashed potatoes (notice I put those first), stuffing, cranberries and turkey, I'm going to pause and give thanks for the gift of perseverance and the major blessings in my life: my son, my family, my friends and my health.  If you know someone who just lost a spouse, a child, a relative or a friend, please ask them if they have plans for Thanksgiving.  They might turn down the invitation and then again they might accept the invitation.  Including someone who is having a rough time of it might change the atmosphere of your holiday celebration, but I would hope that it could be different in a good way.

Holiday Healing

This July 4th holiday weekend may be your first holiday without a loved one or it may be full of poignant memories that make it hard to fully enjoy the fireworks, parades and backyard cook-outs.  I found some helpful suggestions on healing from Capital Hospice's Survivor's Guide and thought I would share some with you:

-- It is okay to feel lousy.  Some days will be worse than others.  There is no logical progression to these feelings and that is okay.

--Cry if you need to.

--In dealing with guilt, ask five important questions:

        How long am I going to choose to feel this way?
        When am I going to say I've suffered enough?
        What would it take to lessen my guilt?
        What would it take to forgive myself?
        Would my loved one want me to feel like this?

--Write a letter to say those things that were left unsaid.

--Be patient with yourself.  The feeling of "what's the use?" will not last forever.

--Fine healthy ways to express anger: running, exercise, walking, hitting a pillow, talking to the deceased's picture.

--If weight gain is a problem, buy "treat" foods in small quantities, not the bulk size.

--Don't make major decisions unless absolutely necessary.

--Know that well-meaning people will say awkward and sometimes dumb things.  Forgive them, for they do care.

--There is great wisdom in the advice "take it a day at a time."



Humor Therapy

Do you know there is actually a medical term or name for using humor to help yourself feel better?

According to WebMD, humor therapy or therapeutic humor, purposely uses the power of smiles and laughter to promote healing and distract the person from pain, or in this case, the emotional confusion permeating your life while grieving.

New grief is all about learning to live with a sense of unreality.  Unfortunately, until you actually experience this raw emotion, you can't really imagine how it feels.  You think you know, you think you can conjure up those feelings of deep pain but it doesn't work that way.  I think that's why people who have been lucky enough not to experience a death in their families think you can "get over" the loss of a loved one in six months or a year.  To put it simply, grieving is not the opposite of happiness. 

For years, you wake up next to a person, talk to them every day, eat with them, love them and share everything with them.  Then, suddenly, instantly, they aren't with you anymore.  But you are expected to carry on.  And somehow you manage to figure out a way to do this.  It may not be what everyone else thinks you should do but it works for you and that's what's important.  There are no magic formulas.  You find yourself saying things such as: "I can't believe he (or she) is gone." "This is so unreal."  "Where is he (or she)?"  "I would just feel a little better if I knew exactly where he (or she) is; that they are somewhere where I know they are okay.  Do you think they're okay?"

Even now, eight years later, I wonder where my husband actually is.  Okay, maybe I made you laugh by saying that, but it's true. 

I try to imagine that he is doing something he really liked A LOT because that always makes me smile.  Depending on the time of year, sometimes I think he's at  a Yankees game, eating a hotdog and wearing his favorite hat or he's at a Giants football game, eating a hotdog, wearing his other favorite hat and screaming his head off.  Then again, maybe he's at the beach lounging in a chair, reading or swimming.  Sometimes, I imagine he is with his friends who have also died and they are all sitting around in some heavenly bar drinking and telling each other non-stop stories.  I don't know. . . Maybe he's doing all of those things.  Or maybe's he a child again.  After awhile, I have to put the brakes on myself because I start to get overwhelmed by the very idea of it.

But I think I'm pretty sure about one thing:  he's probably not at the cemetary.  While there is a marker there for him, it's more of a touchstone for us, the people who cared about him and loved him.  Sometimes we go there and do silly things that we think he would like.  We've scattered his favorite cookies all over his grave, released balloons and arranged flowers that were his favorite color.  Once, we were going to put hash marks in the grass like a football field but we figured we would get into trouble for that so we put the kibash on that idea, at least temporarily.

Continuing in the same vein of therapeutic humor, one of the more irreverant things my family ever did was in the cemetary after my husband was just buried.  It was early December and he still didn't have a marker on his grave yet.  It had snowed and we kept guessing where he was and we fogot to look for the metal ring in the ground so we all kept guessing different places which got to be ridiculous.  We were in the right neighborhood but not in the exact spot.  Finally one day some people in my family had had it with the guessing game and the lack of a marker.  I think it was one of those "perfect storm" moments when strong emotions came together and they decided to act.

They saw all these small Christmas trees on a large headstone and spontaneously decided to take one and put it in the place where they thought my husband was buried.  I can't even remember if it was the right place or not.  Anyway, then they put lots of other Christmas decorations around the tree they had erected in the snow to mark off his grave so they would definitely know where he was and where to go the next time.

As always, I know they acted out of love plus you have to remember that they were trying to deal with their own feelings of loss.  It was our first Christmas without him and it was important to them that they knew exactly where he was and so they fixed it.  Grief is definitely an uncharted journey that takes you AND others to some funny places.

Holidays 101

This is to all of you who white-knuckled it through the holidays... After eight years, I know this for sure: you can make the holidays anything you want them to be. Only you know how much you can take of the 24-hour holiday music that follows you wherever you go, the marathon holiday parties and the general holly jolly holiday atmosphere.

This may sound simplistic but it's not.

 You need to give yourself permission to do what you think you can handle and nothing more.

You don't have to celebrate the holidays the way you did before your loved one died.

 There are no rules.

When my husband died in November of 2003, I was hit with a rapid succession of what are supposed to be celebrations: Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and our wedding anniversary. They say that timing is everything and his death came at a particularly hard time of the year.

If I could have I would have gone away and traveled to some tropical place that wouldn't have reminded me of anything to do with those special days. But my son desperately wanted everything to remain the same so I whiteknuckled it and followed through on all the usual holiday rituals.

Eight years later, we have changed a few things and kept others. We come at the holidays from different places and now are more open to change. We have also come to the realization that the holidays are yours to define any way you want. And that's a truly merry thought.