The 64 Untalked About Ways of Grief

People love to read lists.  I'm not sure why, but it could be because all of the best ideas relating to a particular subject are organized in one place.  Or maybe it's because people want to see if what they guessed would be on the list is actually on the list.

I think that sometimes lists are over used but not in this case.

Today's list comes from a wonderful website I recently discovered called What's Your Grief? (www.whatsyourgrief.com) and I bet you a million dollars that you probably have never read a list like this one.

Titled "64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief," it is refreshing and revealing because of the stigma surrounding the subject of grief.  People don't want to talk about it and will go out of their way to make sure that it isn't brought up in conversation.  If you are grieving, people act as though you have an infectious disease and being around you will cause them to catch it (#9).  And then there is the idea that you think you know what it's about until it actually happens to you (#1).

#23 really resonated for me.  "Grief  doesn't come in five neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing."  I didn't experience grief in the prescribed five stages that are always written about and I don't think anyone ever has.  You do feel denial, sadness, frustration and many other emotions but sometimes you feel some of them one at a time, sometimes none of them for a long time and sometimes you may feel them all in one day. 

It just depends on your relationship with that person, how they died and how you process your emotions concerning your loss.  Everyone's grief really and truly is unique.

A lot of thought went into making this list and I really think it's helpful to everyone, children and adults, because you may come across a truism that you have felt yet no one has acknowledged to you.  To find out that someone else has felt exactly as you have felt is comforting and tells you that it's okay.  You're not going crazy.  I think it is always a blessing to find out that you not alone.

In some ways, the list feels like a big hug!!  Please check out the What's Your Grief? list in the link below and share what you think so we can help each other.

http://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/

Fathers & Sons

Today I'm going to visit my Dad and celebrate Father's Day a day early.

My son won't be joining me because he is out of town visiting his girlfriend.  Even if my son were here in town, I would still be emotionally torn on Father's Day.

My Dad is still alive and our family is lucky and blessed to have him. But my son's father, who was also my husband, died nine years ago and the celebration of Father's Day makes me feel guilty and conflicted. Guilty because my father is alive and his isn't.  Conflicted because I want to make my son and my Dad happy about this day but I can't.  I know, I know, life is never fair but I wish my son could have had more time with his father when his father was in better health.

 

The memories that hold true for my son of his father involves hospitals, doctor's offices, medicine, and constant badgering from me to get his father to do the things he needed to do to stay healthy.  My son was too young at the time of his father's good health to truly remember the Halloween outings, Christmases, beach vacations and other fun times we did have as a family.  There are lots of pictures to remind him, but that's not the same.

 

 

I can't change that for my son but I still wish for it.

I've asked him about his feelings when Father's Day arrives and he just quietly says he doesn't like to watch other people with their fathers. That's probably the understatement of the century. He also says that he forgot that this weekend was Father's Day. Right. When he does see fathers and sons together, I know his mind starts to wander and he thinks about how it might have been different for him if his Dad hadn't gotten sick and died when he was 13-years old.

And that makes me feel bad even though I have no way to change the situation.

So full of guilt, I go visit my Dad and hang out with him for awhile and wish I could make things different for my wonderful son who deserves to have his healthy Dad with him today.
 

I'm Listening

I have found that when you are talking to children of any age about almost any subject, you should be prepared to hear things that can be so truthful that it can take your breath away.  That's not a bad thing.  I think it's wonderful but not everyone is always ready to hear the unpolished truth. 

That's the beauty and wonder of children: there usually is no filter on their wise thoughts.

In talking to my son about his father's death, I tried to keep our conversations as honest and open as I could.  I felt it was more important for my son to express himself and vent his frustrations than it was to worry about whether his words hurt my feelings.

The conversations were for him, not me.  He needed to have a way to verbalize his thoughts and feelings even if they didn't make sense.  This was about him, a then 13-year-old boy, working through his jumble of emotions instead of ignoring the pain and trying to go on with his life and tamp it down inside himself.

I didn't think it would be constructive to tell my son that we needed to talk about his loss and then make him filter and edit his point of view.  I knew he needed to say what he felt and not what he thought I wanted to hear.  There were times when I was surprised by the rawness of his anger but I couldn't show it.  I figured if I did show my surprise or displeasure while talking to him, then whatever progress we made in communicating would be erased by me revealing what I felt or thought.

 Hello Grief, an insightful support website for children, teens and adults, addresses having serious conversations about a loss with children and offers the following tips which I hope you also find to be helpful:

 

Having Good Conversations With Your Kids

By Hello Grief (www.hellogrief.org)

While children experience the same feelings of despair, sadness, helplessness, anger, anxiety, guilt, confusion and fear that adults do following a loss, they often do not have the maturity and experience to understand, identify and express those feelings.

Communication is key to helping our children understand their grief, and begin addressing it in healthy ways. Without communication, you will not know where your child may have a misunderstanding about how or why the loss occurred. With communication, you will be able to identify areas in which your child is struggling with their grief, and how you can help.

It is important to continue discussing the loss and after affects of the loss (such as moving, remarriage, life milestones), with your children over time.

Below are a few tips to having open, successful communication with your kids about grief and loss at any age:

• As a parent, understand what your goal is before starting the conversation - why are you wanting to talk to your child? Is there a specific issue you want to discuss? A specific question you want to uncover?
• Stay on topic – Once you decide on your goal for the conversation, don’t use this time to bring up other “issues” you’ve wanted to address unrelated to the conversation (i.e., homework, house chores, dating, etc).
• Create a safe environment – Atmosphere can play a huge role in your child’s willingness to open up about how he or she is feeling. Have this discussion in a safe place, away from others who may overhear. Don’t create an intimidating environment, such as starting this conversation in places associated with “getting in trouble.” Having a snack, or doing an activity during which talking is easy could be helpful (such as coloring/drawing, riding in a car, going for a jog, etc).
• Allow your kids to be able to say whatever they need, any way they want, to during your conversation - This does not mean you have to allow your child to use profanity if you do not typically allow it. Rather, enable your child to say what they need to say without “correcting their story,” should you remember it differently, or have a different opinion. It also means not keeping any topics “off limits” – including the details of the loss, even if it’s difficult for you to discuss. Let them say what they need, and ask the questions they need without limitation.
• Know that some things are off limits to parents - It’s not you, it’s them. And it’s normal. But, having more frequent safe, and honest conversations with your children will help them build trust and begin to discuss more. Also know that even if your child isn’t saying anything to you, it doesn’t mean they are not benefiting from the conversation. Know they are processing internally. You should also make sure that your child has additional outlets to have the conversations they can’t have with you – such as a counselor, or support group.

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

We've all played this game, the game of "woulda, shoulda, coulda" and no one ever wins.

If you weren't with your loved one when their death occurred, you are now probably thinking about all of the things that would be different if you had been there.  You're thinking about how your present life might be very different if you had been with your loved one at their time of death. You might even think you could have prevented it from happening.  "I could have done more, " "If only I had gone for a visit earlier/later in the day," "I should have stayed with him/her and not gone on my trip," "Why didn't I encourage her/him to fight the illness/disease more?"

I played that game for months after my husband died and then I finally came to the realization that I really was doing everything, and I mean everything, that I could to keep my husband healthy.  It was not a sudden thought that hit me instantly.  It was more of a gradual understanding of the cumulative effect of the things I was doing and what was happening to him medically.

You never have control over the other person's situation and you can't beat yourself up over your inability to own it.  You will feel guilty for awhile but you should only let yourself feel that way for a short amount of time.  Set a date and tell yourself you're going to start working on letting it go.  You have to tell yourself -- because it's true -- that whatever you were doing at the time was the right thing to be doing at that moment.  Otherwise, you wouldn't have been doing it.  You are only letting "woulda, shoulda, coulda" roll around in brain because you are able to exercise the knowledge of hindsight.  Now, looking back, it is so easy to say, "I should have done it another way." 

But would you really have done it another way?  Probably not.  You have to make peace with it and let it go.

More importantly, your loved one wouldn't want you to feel like this.  If you said something to your loved one that you regret, that is very human and very understandable.  To rid yourself of those regrets, you can always go to a place where you feel close to that person and have a "talk" with them to tell them you're sorry about what you said or you could write them a note explaining why you said what you did and how you would never have said those words had you known they would be the last words spoken to them. 

I am lucky.  I have no regrets about my last words to my husband and that gives me some peace.

Holiday Healing

This July 4th holiday weekend may be your first holiday without a loved one or it may be full of poignant memories that make it hard to fully enjoy the fireworks, parades and backyard cook-outs.  I found some helpful suggestions on healing from Capital Hospice's Survivor's Guide and thought I would share some with you:

-- It is okay to feel lousy.  Some days will be worse than others.  There is no logical progression to these feelings and that is okay.

--Cry if you need to.

--In dealing with guilt, ask five important questions:

        How long am I going to choose to feel this way?
        When am I going to say I've suffered enough?
        What would it take to lessen my guilt?
        What would it take to forgive myself?
        Would my loved one want me to feel like this?

--Write a letter to say those things that were left unsaid.

--Be patient with yourself.  The feeling of "what's the use?" will not last forever.

--Fine healthy ways to express anger: running, exercise, walking, hitting a pillow, talking to the deceased's picture.

--If weight gain is a problem, buy "treat" foods in small quantities, not the bulk size.

--Don't make major decisions unless absolutely necessary.

--Know that well-meaning people will say awkward and sometimes dumb things.  Forgive them, for they do care.

--There is great wisdom in the advice "take it a day at a time."