Get Lucky

I know the Grammys were Sunday night but the music is still rockin' and rollin' for me.

 

I'm Up All Night To Get Lucky. . .

 

 

The Grammys are a blast to watch because everyone is so out there in their creativity and hopefully your favorite singer, song or group wins something.  I think people like to watch it because they imagine themselves standing there before the cameras singing some of the songs or in my case I imagine myself up there on the stage dancing the night away.

 

You don't think about being in a band and singing any of the popular songs? Come on.  Next, you will tell me that you have never picked up a hairbrush or any other kitchen utensil and pretended it was a microphone and that you don't ever sing when you are in the car or in the shower.

 

It's okay 'cause we all do it!!  I even have male friends who pick up brooms and play them as though they were guitars.  Music takes us to a spontaneous healing place and makes us feel some kind of wonderful.  I think it's almost impossible to  think about anything stressful when you're singing or dancing. 

 

One of the songs that got a lot of attention (who were those two robots?) and more importantly, awarded Record of the Year was Daft Punk's dance song, "Get Lucky."  And just for the fun of it, here's hoping you get lucky today:

 

 

 

Insight From Grey's Anatomy

I was clicking around on Pinterest (which is truly a guilty pleasure!!!) yesterday and found this insightful and timely quote on one of my niece's boards.

How true! Grief is unpredictable!  And that's why people don't like to talk about it, or acknowledge it, and hope, hope, hope, that it will go away all on its own. 

But Cry, Laugh, Heal is all about having an honest dialogue about grief and resilience and sharing what helped me after my husband sadly died nine years ago.  I have found that time and support from friends and family have helped me but I also have discovered that you have to face grief straight on and feel its pain before you can start to recover and get to a place where you feel you can begin to let it go.

 

And even then, even when you feel you are letting it go, grief and its sadness still has the uncanny power to boomerang back on you. 

 

In the interest of sharing and letting you know that you are never alone in your roller coaster feelings of loss, let me tell you about a personal experience that brought home how you really can't control grief or the conflicting feelings that travel with it. 

 

This past Labor Day weekend I decided to clean my guest room which has been a mess for a few months.  I keep throwing things in there and yesterday I finally decided to wade into the clothes, books, boxes and papers and start to get rid of some of this ridiculous stuff.  To make room in the closet, I started at the very back of it and brought out the first batch of hanging clothes.

 

What do I spy with my unsuspecting eye? An old tweed jacket that belonged to my husband.  I had no idea that jacket was back there, hiding like an unexploded emotional time bomb, and I just stared at it for what seemed like a good 30 minutes.  I'm not even sure I remembered to take a breath.  Then I smelled it to see if his scent was still on it, but of course it wasn't.

 

Next I put my hand into the pocket inside his jacket and I found his checkbook!  No handwriting was on it anywhere but it was weird to open it and read his name on the clean pale blue checks.  Then I put my hand into one of the outside pockets and I found a pair of his black framed reading glasses; the ones where one of the arms was bent.  Another episode of staring and remembering.

 

But then in the breast pocket of the jacket, I found two cards that were the size of business cards, which is what I thought they were when I first touched them. I pulled them out and one was a business card but the other was a reminder card from his doctor.  You know the kind I mean; those cards the doctor gives you with the patient's name written in along with the time and the date of the next appointment.

 

Only this card had my husband's name on it and the date of the appointment was November 10, 2003 and the appointment was written in for 11 am.  I stared at date.  My husband died on November 12, 2003.  I called my son's name out and showed him what I had found.  He stared at the card for a long time too and didn't say anything.  Then he handed it back to me and just said "Wow."

 

We both felt as though my husband, his father was there in the room with us.  I half expected to hear his voice or see him walk into the room. 

 

We think he was trying to tell us that it's okay to let go; but please do not ever forget him.

 

A New Place To Live

Good Morning Fantastic Readers!

This past weekend was interesting and productive and I hope yours was too!  The weekends just fly by wayyyyy too quickly don't they? 

 

Part of my weekend was spent visiting a family member.  In the course of my visit, I could tell we were going to fall into our usual conversational trap of going over the same ground that we have covered many times before.  You know what I mean, right?  The person brings up a certain subject and you know what they're going to say and you try to change their mind or at least get your point across to them.

It's pretty similar to a tire that is stuck in the mud and just spins round and round.  I didn't plan on it, but over the weekend I decided to try a different way of talking to this person because we weren't getting anywhere with the old way.

 

I know this person has been under a lot of stress and is feeling confused.  I felt like the best thing to do was to sit and listen and focus on what was being said without any reaction from me.  I decided to take myself out of the conversational equation because my point of view didn't really serve any purpose.

Instead, I wanted to try and create a healing zone; a place of safety where this person's thoughts and feelings could be shared without the possibility of an argument.

 

 

 

It wasn't a particularly honest conversation but it did allow this person to talk about their feelings and I think that was a healthy and healing thing.

 

For me, healing is finding a new place to live.

 

Not a physical place such as a new house or an apartment but a new place to mentally live.

Healing is finding the place within myself where I try to find quiet and sometimes vulnerability.  A place where I level with myself and tell myself that I can do better.  To be honest with myself and stop making excuses about my reactions to things that annoy or frustrate me.  I can control the volume of my voice and I can control the words that come out of my mouth when I'm talking to someone.

 

Healing is saying to myself that it's time to change.  When I find that my usual way of doing something or my usual reaction to something isn't working then it's time to go somewhere new and find a better way to act.

 

New ways of talking about our emotions can sometimes be scary, but new can also be refreshing because you don't have to lug your old emotional baggage with you; you can lock it up and leave it behind.

 

I'd love to know how you deal with breaking old habits and how you discover news ways of communicating.  Let me know if you have some tips that can break the behavioral logjam and let the conversations flow towards a healing place.

 

You can comment below or you can also comment on my Facebook page!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

 

Fathers & Sons

Today I'm going to visit my Dad and celebrate Father's Day a day early.

My son won't be joining me because he is out of town visiting his girlfriend.  Even if my son were here in town, I would still be emotionally torn on Father's Day.

My Dad is still alive and our family is lucky and blessed to have him. But my son's father, who was also my husband, died nine years ago and the celebration of Father's Day makes me feel guilty and conflicted. Guilty because my father is alive and his isn't.  Conflicted because I want to make my son and my Dad happy about this day but I can't.  I know, I know, life is never fair but I wish my son could have had more time with his father when his father was in better health.

 

The memories that hold true for my son of his father involves hospitals, doctor's offices, medicine, and constant badgering from me to get his father to do the things he needed to do to stay healthy.  My son was too young at the time of his father's good health to truly remember the Halloween outings, Christmases, beach vacations and other fun times we did have as a family.  There are lots of pictures to remind him, but that's not the same.

 

 

I can't change that for my son but I still wish for it.

I've asked him about his feelings when Father's Day arrives and he just quietly says he doesn't like to watch other people with their fathers. That's probably the understatement of the century. He also says that he forgot that this weekend was Father's Day. Right. When he does see fathers and sons together, I know his mind starts to wander and he thinks about how it might have been different for him if his Dad hadn't gotten sick and died when he was 13-years old.

And that makes me feel bad even though I have no way to change the situation.

So full of guilt, I go visit my Dad and hang out with him for awhile and wish I could make things different for my wonderful son who deserves to have his healthy Dad with him today.
 

Go For It!

Reach out there and go for it! 

 

You have to

 

dream big,

 

wish hard,

 

and chase after your goals,

 

because no one

 

is going to do it for you.

 

             ~ Cee Lo Green

 

 

 

Staying Young At Heart

Next week is Thanksgiving!! How did that happen?

The calendar says November (I checked it!) but I feel I'm still mentally stuck in the summertime.  I really am having a hard time this year getting used to daylight savings time and it being dark so early.  It doesn't feel great to leave work, walk out of the building and it's already night time.  It is just not my thing at all.  I love it when it is 7 or 8 o'clock at night and it's still light outside!

 

It's the best!

Plus this year, Thanksgiving seems early and then all the shopping and parties start and before you know it, Christmas is here.

I'm looking forward to catching up with my son who has been away for months and other members of my family I haven't seen for awhile.  Then there are always those memories of holidays in the past which sometimes sit in the back of my brain, vying for attention.  These memories can be triggered by a person, a song, even the smell of particular food.

 

For instance, whenever I smell that burnt, roasting smell of chestnuts cooking, I am instantly in New York City with my husband.   And whenever I smell turkey stuffing or the ingredients of stuffing cooking, I am back in the kitchen of my childhood.

 

I think it's healthy to take these good and bad holiday memories "out" shall we say, and visit with them but not obsess over them.  Acknowledge that they happened, talk about them or write about them if that makes you feel better and then put these past memories back in their mental place.

 

Today is what counts.  Not something that happened many years ago that you can't change and might not want to change.  Express what is appropriate and then move on.

 

This holiday season my priority is to stay emotionally well and appreciate simplicity.  In browsing the web to research ways to reinforce this idea for myself, I came upon a short list of tips written by Joan Westlake for healthkey.com that I think is a good starting point for being positive and staying young at heart:

1. Love

Affection and companionship are the best medicines for the heart.  Fabulous friends, great grandchildren, salubrious siblings and nice neighbors keep you involved in life.  Revel in romance.  Pets provide unconditional love plus the hugs and warmth on which the soul thrives.

2. Give

What you give truly comes back 10-fold.  There are children longing for someone to read them a book, homeless folks hungry for a helping of kindness with their soup, homebound people waiting for a ray of humanity to brighten their day and friendly dogs needing a walk while the hope for a forever family.

3. Move

Get on the go.  Swimming is one of the best ways to keep in shape well into your 90s.  Start your day off with a walk or hike.  Take a dance class and get out and Salsa, Two-Step or Disco.  Tai chi and yoga guide you in ancient movements to enrich your body and soul.

4. Explore
Take a trip.  Learn a new language.  Start a new business.  Go live in the place of your dreams.  Find your spiritual nature.  Go boldly into new worlds.

5. Party
Celebrate and embrace each birthday!  Invite friends of all ages.  Dance and play loud music.  Eat cake and steak and have that rowdy shot of tequila or expensive glass of wine. 

You're worth it!!

Hope and Healing

Courtesy of The Magic Onions

I love this picture!

Serene and peaceful, can't you feel the healing power of the flowers?  The first time I saw it, I mentally slipped into the photograph and felt the aura of  its calming vibe.  I could practically smell the beautiful flowers in the shape of a majestic sun surrounding the Nature Girl.  

 

Ommmmmmmm.  The healing is starting and it can happen for all of us but we need to be patient.  Healing takes time.  The most important thing about restoring your mental and emotional health after the loss of a loved one is to think positively: if you want to heal then it will happen for you.  Even if you don't have the energy right now to feel positive, try to keep a small positive thought in the back of your memory.  It will help to carry you through the pain.

 

Healing is defined as restoring to health or soundness, to repair or go through a process to cure your inner self.  In a sense, you are seeking to come to grips with the reality of what has happened to you.  The numbness you feel is your body's way of giving you time to catch up with your loss and the new changes in your life.

I found that the first step towards healing from the loss of a loved one is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. You may want to ignore the feelings because they are so painful but trust me, if you are patient with yourself, you can work through or process the waves of emotions coming at you.

 

Someone you cared about A LOT, someone you loved A LOT is no longer with you physically or emotionally.  It takes a long time to really deal with the shock of your loss but eventually time will help you get control of your emotions and give you the courage to continue to move forward with your life.  It has been almost nine years since my husband died and I still have setbacks.  Sometimes I will read something that reminds me of him or I see something that reminds me of him or of our life together.

I try to talk about it or I try to embrace the memory.  Ignoring or denying what has happened only makes it makes it more painful and more overwhelming.  Grief is a process and in expressing your grief you are allowing yourself to heal and to be hopeful.

It's not that you will never be happy again.  It's more that your life has changed and you won't be exactly the person that you were before your loved one died.  You must rebuild and find a way to move forward.

We each have different resources but here are some suggestions to help in your healing:

-- spend time in nature

-- listen to music

-- find a quiet place, breathe deeply and relax

-- reach out to a friend

-- join a group such as a church group or a community group

-- strengthen a family tie

-- or lie in the grass, feel the warmth of the sun and smell the flowers!

 

Finding Joy

Fear less, hope more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;

Hate less, love more;

And all good things are yours.

            

Taylor Swift -- Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?

It's the beginning of a new work week and I'm going to be singing this Taylor Swift song to myself all day long.  There's something about this song that helps to keep me chugging along.  Instead of getting worked up and reacting to situations I can't do anything about, I'm going to be humming this song to myself and staying mentally cool, calm and collected.

At least that's the plan for now!  So Monday, bring it on and let's get goin':

Step By Step

Time just slip slides away. 

You are trying to recover from a loss or a trauma and time seems to slip slide all over the place.  I feel this is when life needs to slow down a bit and be experienced in smaller increments.  Thinking about the future as one huge pulsing package of pain that will always feel bad is just too much and makes it too hard to go on.

Instead, try breaking it down.  Your days can be a series of steps that you set and you follow.  In other words, you set the pace of what you feel you can handle.  As in Step One: I will get out of bed today.  Step two: I will put my feet on the floor and make myself walk away from the bed.  Step Three:  I will eat nutritious food for breakfast instead of pizza or a cookie.  I felt like that a lot after my husband died and I had to constantly talk to myself about what to do next.

I find that breaking time down into small increments works when you are stressed to the max or trying to work through a particularly sad time in your life.  If you set it up right for yourself you can psyche yourself up to bear 10 minutes, then a half hour and sometimes an hour. 

And with each passing block of time, you realize that you got through it, you were temporarily able to think about something else and maybe, possibly, you can do it again, and then you can go about doing it.  Suddenly you find you have almost gotten through one day.

I remember trying to learn to accept my loss.  Your mind plays tricks on you and the passage of time doesn't seem quite right.  There were always those moments -- when you first wake up, when you are on the telephone, when you are working -- that you forget for a few minutes exactly what your reality is.  But-t-t-t-t then it comes back and knocks you in the tummy.

There's a hole in your life and there's no getting around it.  Ignoring it only makes your situation worse.  You can tamp it down as much as you want but it's still there.  Sitting in the back of your memory like a bomb tick tick ticking away, waiting to explode.  It's so much better when you take it, grab it and own it.  Why not  embrace it and absorb it and move right through it?  You can do it!  Put one foot in front of the other and keep going; keep moving forward.

Now congratulate yourself!

Moving Forward With Others

Award winning actresses Viola Davis (left) and Octavia Spencer (right)
in a scene from the Academy Award nominated film, "The Help"

"The person who tries to live alone

will not succeed as a human being.

His heart withers if it does not answer

another heart.

His mind shrinks away if he hears

only the echoes of his own thoughts

and finds no other inspiration."

          -- Pearl S. Buck

Living Through Personal Crisis -- Register Now for Oct. 19 Conference

There is still time to sign up for this conference if you or anyone else you know is interested:

Sibley Hospital's Widowed Person's Outreach is sponsoring a conference on Living Through Personal Crisis on Wednesday, October 19, 2011.

Bestselling author Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns brings a powerful message to those dealing with the pain of a loss. With her inspirational insight and helpful healing strategies, you'll discover how you can move beyond the harsh and painful events that have occurred, grow stronger and still live a fulfilling life.

When a loved one dies, a marriage or important relationship ends, a financial or health crisis occurs, or even a dream is shattered, you still have a choice in how to live, says Dr. Stearns. Through her study of people who have successfully rebuilt their lives after a significant loss, she gained insights into resilience. Dr. Stearns has shared the findings of her research in more than 200 nationwide radio and TV interviews, presentations, and workshops. Her inspirational guidance and helpful healing strategies will help you discover how you, too, can move beyond harsh and painful events, grow stronger, and still live a fulfilling life.

Dr Ann Kaiser Stearns is a graduate of Oklahoma City University (B.A.), Duke University (M.Div.), and the Union Institute (Ph.D.). She is a professor of psychology at the Community College of Baltimore County and an adjunct professor in the Police Executive Leadership Program at the Johns Hopkins University. The mother of two daughters, she lives with her family in Maryland.

For more information about Dr. Stearns visit her website, www.AnnKaiserStearns.com. The latest edition of her book, Living through Personal Crisis, will be for sale at the event. She is also the author of Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives after Crisis and Loss and Living through Job Loss.

Register now to ensure your place: Seating is limited. Cost is $35.00 and includes lunch.

Place:  Kenwood Country Club

              5601 River Road
              Bethesda, MD 20816

Schedule:   9:45 am - Registration and Coffee or Tea
                      10:15 am - 12:00 noon - Keynote Address
                      12:00 noon - Book signing and Break
                      12:30 pm - Lunch is served

For information and to register, please call Pat Ebbecke at 202-726-3418.