When In Doubt

If you have ever have doubts about talking to someone you hardly know about a recent loss in their life, please think twice about ignoring the subject.

 

You may think you are doing the person a favor by not mentioning their loss or the name of the loved one that died, but it doesn't really work that way.

 

Acknowledging is important and helpful to you, and more importantly, to the person experiencing the loss.  It's extending sympathy or compassion and even though it may be hard to do, it's something that needs to be done.  So take a deep breath, remind yourself that you an adult and proceed.  Think about the person who is suffering rather than your discomfort.  If the death has happened to someone you know well, perhaps you can give them a hug, say you are sorry that they are going through a painful time and listen to what they want to say.

 

If the loss has happened to a work colleague that can be tricky.  But it is still just as important to acknowledge what has happened to this person.  If you can't seem to find the right words to say, then you can always give them a card with a short note.

 

To understand the bereaved person's point of view, here is a short letter that someone who did not want to be named wrote to The Washington Post's advice columnist Carolyn Hax:

 

"When I returned to work after my dad's funeral, everybody avoided me like crazy.  I guess they thought I would burst into tears if they even said hello.  Who knows, maybe I would have.  I felt so sad, so alone and isolated.  His obituary had been e-mailed to everyone , so all details were known.

 

After lunch on my first day back, I slipped off to an empty conference room to collect my thoughts, and a man I only know marginally saw me go in.  He came to me and started this conversation: 'I was so sorry to hear about your dad.  I didn't know he was a music teacher!  Tell me about him!' I was so happy to have someone to talk to about him.  We talked for about 20 minutes about my dad.  Yes, I cried a little.  But at that moment, that was what I needed so much.

 

After a funeral, everyone goes back to their lives, what they were doing before -- and the family who has lost their loved one is completely lost and directionless.  This man, who hardly knew me, reached out for just a moment and cared.   I still run in to him periodically at work and can't tell you how much his gesture, at that moment on that day, helped me to cope."

Psychologists often cite isolation as one of the main dangers while grieving.  Reaching out can make a difference.

 

A New Place To Live

Good Morning Fantastic Readers!

This past weekend was interesting and productive and I hope yours was too!  The weekends just fly by wayyyyy too quickly don't they? 

 

Part of my weekend was spent visiting a family member.  In the course of my visit, I could tell we were going to fall into our usual conversational trap of going over the same ground that we have covered many times before.  You know what I mean, right?  The person brings up a certain subject and you know what they're going to say and you try to change their mind or at least get your point across to them.

It's pretty similar to a tire that is stuck in the mud and just spins round and round.  I didn't plan on it, but over the weekend I decided to try a different way of talking to this person because we weren't getting anywhere with the old way.

 

I know this person has been under a lot of stress and is feeling confused.  I felt like the best thing to do was to sit and listen and focus on what was being said without any reaction from me.  I decided to take myself out of the conversational equation because my point of view didn't really serve any purpose.

Instead, I wanted to try and create a healing zone; a place of safety where this person's thoughts and feelings could be shared without the possibility of an argument.

 

 

 

It wasn't a particularly honest conversation but it did allow this person to talk about their feelings and I think that was a healthy and healing thing.

 

For me, healing is finding a new place to live.

 

Not a physical place such as a new house or an apartment but a new place to mentally live.

Healing is finding the place within myself where I try to find quiet and sometimes vulnerability.  A place where I level with myself and tell myself that I can do better.  To be honest with myself and stop making excuses about my reactions to things that annoy or frustrate me.  I can control the volume of my voice and I can control the words that come out of my mouth when I'm talking to someone.

 

Healing is saying to myself that it's time to change.  When I find that my usual way of doing something or my usual reaction to something isn't working then it's time to go somewhere new and find a better way to act.

 

New ways of talking about our emotions can sometimes be scary, but new can also be refreshing because you don't have to lug your old emotional baggage with you; you can lock it up and leave it behind.

 

I'd love to know how you deal with breaking old habits and how you discover news ways of communicating.  Let me know if you have some tips that can break the behavioral logjam and let the conversations flow towards a healing place.

 

You can comment below or you can also comment on my Facebook page!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

 

Unplugging & Tuning In To Each Other

Today we have a guest blogger, a fellow writer, Melissa Knights Bertrand.  In the interest of full disclosure, I work with Melissa's brother, Aaron Knights, and through being Facebook friends with Aaron, I am familiar with Melissa's writing for her local newspaper, The Buffalo News.

Melissa is the mother of three young and dynamic children and she has a beautiful writing style.  I have no idea where she finds the time to reflect and write about the unique things that happen to her and her children, but she does, and we are happy readers because of it.

 

Two stories she previously wrote that I shared on Cry, Laugh, Heal were Melissa's story about the memorial walk/run that was established a little over a decade ago to honor and support the memory of Melissa and Aaron's Dad who lost his fight with cancer (December 2012) and another story Melissa wrote in July 2012 about a handwritten letter from her Dad being a timeless memento (July 2012).

 

Today Melissa writes about the cellphones, iPads, iPods and Blackberry devices which are everywhere whether we like it or not.  Yes, these devices can improve the amount and the speed with which we receive  information from one another but that doesn't mean that we should use them 24/7 with no regard for others. 

 

We can't let electronic devices replace our much needed human connection.  I'm not talking about the casual and annoying connection I get when I am in the check-out line at the grocery store and I get to hear the conversation of the person behind me with their spouse or friend that gives me WAY more details about their life than I ever wanted to know.

 

I talking about the connection between people who care about each other or who are trying to be polite with each other.  Nothing can replace a face-to-face conversation.  That is when we look into another person's eyes and see the true meaning of their words, hear their tone of voice and pick up on the gestures they use to communicate with us.

 

And don't forget about quiet time.  No chirping, no tweeting, no loud and sudden ringtones.  No electronics is quiet time.  No electronic is healing time.  A time to myself, when I can think, when I can read, when I can breathe.

 

Off is not a permanent state.

 

You can always turn them back on.

Don’t Let Electronics Replace Real Interaction
By Melissa Knights Betrand
The Buffalo News.com
March 29, 2013



Melissa Knights Betrand

“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” –Albert Einstein

After weeks of Christmas prep, school functions and charity projects, I scheduled a little “me” time late one afternoon and snuck out for a quick mani/pedi.

Armed with my cellphone, I looked forward to a full hour plus of Words with Friends, reading email and replying to day(s) old texts and Facebook messages. As I surrendered my hands to the angel before me, I had an experience that stopped me in my technological tracks. Another escapee, in full wet-nail mode, took an incoming call on her cellphone and proceeded to have a personal conversation … via speaker phone!

I listened to her chat with her hubby about whether she had picked up the raspberries and where they should meet to exchange cars, among other things. No shame or whispering that she would call back in a few minutes. They had an entire conversation, complete with irritated voices, and never a mention that he was conversing in front of an audience.

Upon reflection, I feel compelled to throw the tiniest of pebbles from my little glass house by proclaiming that I do believe cellphones and iPods are adding tremendous stress to our lives, destroying manners and short-circuiting the properly developed social skills of children at tender, young ages.

Look around any public place, from waiting rooms to restaurants, and you will be hard-pressed not to see most everyone with some sort of handheld electronic device. Instead of talking to one another, the world has become programmed to expect, demand even, instant gratification, often mistaking immediate electronic feedback for true connection and authentic relationships.

For many, this begins well before basic social skills and manners have been age-appropriately and fully developed.

Consequently, the unfiltered thoughts and knee-jerk reactions of children and adults can and do go far beyond what is typical of face-to-face interactions, often wounding, leaving scars and causing social repercussions that are sometimes irreparable.

As the mother of one teenage son and twin “tweenage” girls, the introduction of cellphones and iPods – which are thinly veiled iPhones when connected to Wi-Fi – into our household has added a heaping dose of drama and nearly driven me crazy.

Though these devices do entertain and make communication a breeze, I find myself in an almost constant policy-making position; policing, paring down usage and eventual docking times and locations almost daily.

In the midst of this madness, I’ve discovered that when infractions occur which result in the loss of electronic privileges, my children (after a period of withdrawal) become softer, nicer human beings who actually play and interface the good, old-fashioned way. Imagine that? I now find myself actually looking for reasons to take them away and, at times, I think they are as relieved as I am.

I must confess that what began as an attachment to my cellphone has blossomed into a full-blown love/hate relationship, causing me to evaluate even my own behavior. I am striving to walk the talk, however, and have begun to set firm boundaries about when I will and won’t let the demands of the outside world into my present personal time and relationships. Though I am a work in progress, the results continue to be eye-opening and have convinced me that we should all try a little harder to keep technology in its proper place.

If we strive to power down our electronic addictions, humanity just may prevail.

 

options

“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.”

– Albert Einstein

 

After weeks of Christmas prep, school functions and charity projects, I scheduled a little “me” time late one afternoon and snuck out for a quick mani/pedi.

 

Armed with my cellphone, I looked forward to a full hour plus of Words with Friends, reading email and replying to day(s) old texts and Facebook messages. As I surrendered my hands to the angel before me, I had an experience that stopped me in my technological tracks. Another escapee, in full wet-nail mode, took an incoming call on her cellphone and proceeded to have a personal conversation … via speaker phone!

 

I listened to her chat with her hubby about whether she had picked up the raspberries and where they should meet to exchange cars, among other things. No shame or whispering that she would call back in a few minutes. They had an entire conversation, complete with irritated voices, and never a mention that he was conversing in front of an audience.

 

Upon reflection, I feel compelled to throw the tiniest of pebbles from my little glass house by proclaiming that I do believe cellphones and iPods are adding tremendous stress to our lives, destroying manners and short-circuiting the properly developed social skills of children at tender, young ages.

 

Look around any public place, from waiting rooms to restaurants, and you will be hard-pressed not to see most everyone with some sort of handheld electronic device. Instead of talking to one another, the world has become programmed to expect, demand even, instant gratification, often mistaking immediate electronic feedback for true connection and authentic relationships.

 

For many, this begins well before basic social skills and manners have been age-appropriately and fully developed.

 

Consequently, the unfiltered thoughts and knee-jerk reactions of children and adults can and do go far beyond what is typical of face-to-face interactions, often wounding, leaving scars and causing social repercussions that are sometimes irreparable.

 

As the mother of one teenage son and twin “tweenage” girls, the introduction of cellphones and iPods – which are thinly veiled iPhones when connected to Wi-Fi – into our household has added a heaping dose of drama and nearly driven me crazy.

 

Though these devices do entertain and make communication a breeze, I find myself in an almost constant policy-making position; policing, paring down usage and eventual docking times and locations almost daily.

 

In the midst of this madness, I’ve discovered that when infractions occur which result in the loss of electronic privileges, my children (after a period of withdrawal) become softer, nicer human beings who actually play and interface the good, old-fashioned way. Imagine that? I now find myself actually looking for reasons to take them away and, at times, I think they are as relieved as I am.

 

I must confess that what began as an attachment to my cellphone has blossomed into a full-blown love/hate relationship, causing me to evaluate even my own behavior. I am striving to walk the talk, however, and have begun to set firm boundaries about when I will and won’t let the demands of the outside world into my present personal time and relationships. Though I am a work in progress, the results continue to be eye-opening and have convinced me that we should all try a little harder to keep technology in its proper place.

 

If we strive to power down our electronic addictions, humanity just may prevail. 

options

“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.”

 – Albert Einstein

 

After weeks of Christmas prep, school functions and charity projects, I scheduled a little “me” time late one afternoon and snuck out for a quick mani/pedi.

 

Armed with my cellphone, I looked forward to a full hour plus of Words with Friends, reading email and replying to day(s) old texts and Facebook messages. As I surrendered my hands to the angel before me, I had an experience that stopped me in my technological tracks. Another escapee, in full wet-nail mode, took an incoming call on her cellphone and proceeded to have a personal conversation … via speaker phone!

 

I listened to her chat with her hubby about whether she had picked up the raspberries and where they should meet to exchange cars, among other things. No shame or whispering that she would call back in a few minutes. They had an entire conversation, complete with irritated voices, and never a mention that he was conversing in front of an audience.

 

Upon reflection, I feel compelled to throw the tiniest of pebbles from my little glass house by proclaiming that I do believe cellphones and iPods are adding tremendous stress to our lives, destroying manners and short-circuiting the properly developed social skills of children at tender, young ages.

 

Look around any public place, from waiting rooms to restaurants, and you will be hard-pressed not to see most everyone with some sort of handheld electronic device. Instead of talking to one another, the world has become programmed to expect, demand even, instant gratification, often mistaking immediate electronic feedback for true connection and authentic relationships.

 

For many, this begins well before basic social skills and manners have been age-appropriately and fully developed.

 

Consequently, the unfiltered thoughts and knee-jerk reactions of children and adults can and do go far beyond what is typical of face-to-face interactions, often wounding, leaving scars and causing social repercussions that are sometimes irreparable.

 

As the mother of one teenage son and twin “tweenage” girls, the introduction of cellphones and iPods – which are thinly veiled iPhones when connected to Wi-Fi – into our household has added a heaping dose of drama and nearly driven me crazy.

 

Though these devices do entertain and make communication a breeze, I find myself in an almost constant policy-making position; policing, paring down usage and eventual docking times and locations almost daily.

 

In the midst of this madness, I’ve discovered that when infractions occur which result in the loss of electronic privileges, my children (after a period of withdrawal) become softer, nicer human beings who actually play and interface the good, old-fashioned way. Imagine that? I now find myself actually looking for reasons to take them away and, at times, I think they are as relieved as I am.

 

I must confess that what began as an attachment to my cellphone has blossomed into a full-blown love/hate relationship, causing me to evaluate even my own behavior. I am striving to walk the talk, however, and have begun to set firm boundaries about when I will and won’t let the demands of the outside world into my present personal time and relationships. Though I am a work in progress, the results continue to be eye-opening and have convinced me that we should all try a little harder to keep technology in its proper place.

 

If we strive to power down our electronic addictions, humanity just may prevail.

The Heart Behind Gilligan's Island



The cast of Gilligan's Island



A good and very funny friend of mine, Annie Howell, loves, loves everything about Gilligan's Island.  She and her husband, Brad, and their two boys even named their dog, Thurston, after the lockjawed, elitist character marooned on the island, Thurston Howell III.  I think everyone who watched the show identified with at least one of the characters -- the Professor, Marianne, Gilligan, the Skipper or The Movie Star -- who every week would comically try to escape from Gilligan's Island.

When the sad news broke this week that television producer Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of the iconic television series, Gilligan's Island, and also The Brady Bunch, died at the age of 94, Annie was heartbroken.  Yesterday she found out that Schwartz wrote a farewell letter titled, "A Conversation At The Gates" and that Schwartz had requested that his family have it published posthumously in The Hollywood Reporter.

Thanks Annie for sharing it with your friends and now I share it with you:

A Conversation at the Gates

By Sherwood Schwartz

One day in the not too distant future, I will find

myself standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

I knock.

A pleasant voice calls out, "Who's there?"

"Sherwood Schwartz," I answer.

"One moment," says the Voice.  "I have lots of Schwartzs on my list.

Did you say Sherwood?"

"Yes, Sherwood Schwartz.  I was born November 14, 1916.

My parents were Rose and Herman Schwartz.

"Yes, yes, I have it right here.  Your parents loved you very much."

"I loved them very much as well.  I lived with them until

I got married."

"To Mildred, according to my records," says the Voice.

"Yes.  I never believed in love at first sight until I met Mildred.

I always thought "love at first sight" was just poetic babble."

"That's what they all say until it happens to them."

"I loved Mildred with all my heart for over sixty-nine years."

I'm sure she loved me as much as I loved her."

"She did," says the Voice.  "And you had four children,

Donald, Lloyd, Ross and Hope."

"Four wonderful children," I couldn't help adding,

"All of them quite different, but all of them talented,

and hard-working.  I'm pleased I was able to watch

each of them reach certain goals."

"You sound very proud of them," says the Voice."

"Mildred and I were always very proud.

We took good care of them when they were young, and they

took good care of us when we got old."

"I see they each have two children; Donald, two girls,

Lloyd two boys, Ross two grils, and Hope two girls."

"All of them talented and industrious, like their parents," I say.

"All well-educated in different professions:

Medicine, Law and Entertainment,"

"I see you also have four great grandchildren,

Two great granddaughters and two great grandsons."

I say, "You keep very good records."

"I have to," says the Voice.  "People keep

coming and going all the time.  You've been pretty

busy yourself.  After college you started writing

and you never stopped."

"That's because writing isn't a profession; it's a disease.

And it's accompanied by a disease that's even worse,

rewriting."

"I know all about that," says the Voice.  "You're not

the first writer to to knock on my gate.  But at least

you were successful.  Many writers are not."

"That's true.  I've been well-rewarded with plenty of money for me,

for my family, and for my charities."
"A good life I would say," says the Voice.,

"With plenty of awards and honors."
"And plenty of hard knocks from critics," I reply.

"That comes with the territory," says the Voice.  "But you've had

lots of compensation.  Not just money; thousands of fan letters

you've received from people all over the world,

thanking you for entertaining them

with words that brought them a smile or a

laugh, sometimes when they needed it most."

Then the Voice continues apologetically, "I

didn't mean to keep you waiting outside the gate.  Go ahead: Ask.

Ask what they all want to know when they knock at my gate:

Am I going to Heaven or not?

"That's what I was going to ask when I got here," I say,

then I suddenly realized something when we talked.

Heaven is where I've been since the day I was born."

A fond farewell.