Seeing Clearly

"Give yourself the gift of time in coming to answers for your life. . . .

 

It takes time, and a lot of introspection and soul-searching,

 

to get clear about what you really want to manifest in your life."

 

                                       ~Author David Emerald

Thoughts on New Year's Eve

Time is one the most precious of commodities we have.

It should never be wasted and always treasured for its possibilities. 

 

On this New Year's Eve of 2013, I hold my fresh new calendar to hung in the kitchen tomorrow and flip through the untouched months and days and wonder what this years holds for me, my family and my friends.

 

Of course I hope for only good and fantastic things to happen to those I care about and that includes you my dear and wonderful readers!  Thank you so much for all of your support!!

As I always say, I hope I help you as much as you help me.

 

Alice G Patterson Photography
Courtesy House of Turquoise

I know some people love to make resolutions at the beginning of a new year, but I prefer to try and focus on each day as it comes to me and work within those twenty four hours on being positive, loving, healthy and helpful to others.  I don't always hit the mark but I try really hard!

 

Let's put those negative events behind us as we start a brand new year and let go of any feelings that may get in our way of doing something we want to passionately pursue.

 

Whether you are cozy at home, playing board games and watching the crowd at Times Square, or getting glammed up right now to go to a rockin' party tonight, I raise my glass to you and wish you a happy and safe New Year's Eve!

Insight From Grey's Anatomy

I was clicking around on Pinterest (which is truly a guilty pleasure!!!) yesterday and found this insightful and timely quote on one of my niece's boards.

How true! Grief is unpredictable!  And that's why people don't like to talk about it, or acknowledge it, and hope, hope, hope, that it will go away all on its own. 

But Cry, Laugh, Heal is all about having an honest dialogue about grief and resilience and sharing what helped me after my husband sadly died nine years ago.  I have found that time and support from friends and family have helped me but I also have discovered that you have to face grief straight on and feel its pain before you can start to recover and get to a place where you feel you can begin to let it go.

 

And even then, even when you feel you are letting it go, grief and its sadness still has the uncanny power to boomerang back on you. 

 

In the interest of sharing and letting you know that you are never alone in your roller coaster feelings of loss, let me tell you about a personal experience that brought home how you really can't control grief or the conflicting feelings that travel with it. 

 

This past Labor Day weekend I decided to clean my guest room which has been a mess for a few months.  I keep throwing things in there and yesterday I finally decided to wade into the clothes, books, boxes and papers and start to get rid of some of this ridiculous stuff.  To make room in the closet, I started at the very back of it and brought out the first batch of hanging clothes.

 

What do I spy with my unsuspecting eye? An old tweed jacket that belonged to my husband.  I had no idea that jacket was back there, hiding like an unexploded emotional time bomb, and I just stared at it for what seemed like a good 30 minutes.  I'm not even sure I remembered to take a breath.  Then I smelled it to see if his scent was still on it, but of course it wasn't.

 

Next I put my hand into the pocket inside his jacket and I found his checkbook!  No handwriting was on it anywhere but it was weird to open it and read his name on the clean pale blue checks.  Then I put my hand into one of the outside pockets and I found a pair of his black framed reading glasses; the ones where one of the arms was bent.  Another episode of staring and remembering.

 

But then in the breast pocket of the jacket, I found two cards that were the size of business cards, which is what I thought they were when I first touched them. I pulled them out and one was a business card but the other was a reminder card from his doctor.  You know the kind I mean; those cards the doctor gives you with the patient's name written in along with the time and the date of the next appointment.

 

Only this card had my husband's name on it and the date of the appointment was November 10, 2003 and the appointment was written in for 11 am.  I stared at date.  My husband died on November 12, 2003.  I called my son's name out and showed him what I had found.  He stared at the card for a long time too and didn't say anything.  Then he handed it back to me and just said "Wow."

 

We both felt as though my husband, his father was there in the room with us.  I half expected to hear his voice or see him walk into the room. 

 

We think he was trying to tell us that it's okay to let go; but please do not ever forget him.

 

Tweeting A Mother's Life

Over 340 million tweets are sent and read each day.

 

In the midst of all those competing thoughts, messages and trending topics, Scott Simon posted a large number of tweets late last month that broke through the rush of chatter and caught the attention of  a large part of Twitter's world wide audience.

 

Simon, National Public Radio's Weekend Edition Saturday host, was sitting beside his mother's hospital bed and relaying intimate, tender and immediate thoughts about his precious time with his mother in the last days of her life.

 

I can't imagine having the clarity of mind to tweet while you are taking care of a loved one who is dying but I am thankful that Scott Simon did.  The immediacy of his tweets and the strength and love in each of Scott's tweets took my breath away.  Mortality is a touchy subject that scares yet enlightens us.

 

In turn, I think Scott Simon's tweets courageously shared such a heartbreaking yet basic human experience that the tweets must have made others stop and think about the loved ones in their lives who may be ill or have already died.

I wish Scott Simon grace and peace as he and his family mourn and cope with the loss of his mother.  It would be so much easier if there was a guidebook or a magic formula presented to us after a loss.  How reassuring it would be to know that if we followed or did certain things that ultimately all would be right with our world once again.  But life doesn't work that way.

Losing someone you love and learning to live without them is a roller coaster of a journey we all must eventually take and no matter how much love and support we have and how much time passes by, we have to learn to look within ourselves and figure out for ourselves the best way to heal and rebuild our lives.

 

Here are some of the compelling posts that Scott Simon sent live about his mother to his more than one million followers:

 

And here is the link to the Washington Post story about Simon Scott and his remarkable tweets:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/nprs-scott-simon-takes-twitter-to-a-new-frontier-his-mothers-hospital-bed/2013/07/29/44cc67ea-f86f-11e2-8e84-c56731a202fb_story.html

Slow Dance

I find this poem called Slow Dance to be nourishing for my soul.

It helps me reset and focus my energies and set out once again on this magical journey called life so that I can appreciate the beauty and blessing that are given to me.

Instead of powering through my days and nights, this poem reminds me to get out of the fast lane and slow down and really and truly focus on the wonder around me.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,

or listened to rain slapping the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,

or gazed at the sun fading into the night?

 

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,

time is short, the music won't last.

 

Do you run through each day on the fly,

when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?

 

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,

with the next hundred chores running through your head?

 

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,

time is short, the music won't last.

 

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,

and in your haste, not see his sorrow?

 

Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,

'cause you never had time to call and say hi?

 

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,

time is short, the music won't last.

 

When you run so fast to get somewhere,

you miss half the fun of getting there.

 

When you worry and hurry through your day,

it's like an unopened gift thrown away.

 

Life isn't a race, so take it slower,

hear the music before your song is over.

 

                               -- David L. Weatherford (www.davidweatherford.com)

Surfing Emotions

 

 

 

Photo Courtesy of Secrets of The Sea

 

 

Feelings are much like waves,

 

we can't stop them from coming

 

but we can choose which ones to surf.

 

~ Jonatan Martensson

Tax Day

Today is dreaded Tax Day which means that people in the United States must file individual tax returns with the Internal Revenue Service.

Not to worry for those who aren't prepared to file your taxes today.  The IRS allows you to file an extension which gives you until October 15 to file.  Thank goodness right?  There is more time if you need it!

Taxes are confusing under even the most normal of circumstances.  According to CBS News, the U.S. tax code is more than 73,000 pages long. Just figuring out what to pay eats up an estimated 6.1 billion hours of our time each year.

But if you are filing as a widow or widower this year for the first time, I send you my condolences.  I've been there and it's a hard place to be.  You are deep in grief and you just want everything to stop.  Yet the world around you continues to go on and it's jarring to face reality.  Taxes are just one more thing from a list of many that are now your responsibility as the surviving spouse.

With all of the emotional upheaval you are trying to deal with since your loss, I'm sure taxes are the very last thing on your mind.  Or at least they were for me.

 

Maybe your spouse was in charge of this responsibility and all you had to do was sign the papers.  Or maybe you were involved and helped gather papers, receipts and other financial essentials to prepare your taxes with your spouse.  Either way, your financial future is now in your hands.

 

But the good news is that there are lots of resources out there and if you feel overwhelmed by doing your own taxes then it's okay to get or ask for help.  Give yourself a break.

You aren't alone in your confusion.  I get help with my taxes every year and I feel good to have found an accountant I can trust.  Tax laws change all the time and there is no way the average person can keep up with them.  I use and need an accountant now and even before my husband died because neither one of us was good at that kind of thing.  We would gather our receipts and statements together, talk about some stuff we weren't sure of and then make an appointment to talk to the accountant.

 

The first year after my husband died was particularly difficult.  Going backwards in the checkbook and other financial papers forced me to relive the year and all of the ups and down of hospitalization, doctor's appointments and other events that I didn't really want to think about.  But the next year was a little easier and the next year after that a little easier too.

 

It takes time to figure out what works for you.  I did gain confidence in setting up my own system and keeping track of the household expenses and I bet you will too!

Making A New Bedroom

On the weekends, I like to try and organize myself.

Sometimes I succeed in my de-clutter efforts and sometimes I don't.  During the work week, I have a very bad habit of throwing clothes and papers into piles.  By the time the weekend rolls around, I know I have to deal with the piles and hang stuff up and throw things away.

 

This past weekend marked a milestone for me because I just had my bedroom painted and most of the stuff that was under my bed,  hanging on wall and door hooks and on top of my furniture was in another room.

Just typing that sentence is a big deal.  It's my bedroom; not our bedroom.  I am taking a big leap by changing the room and making it look different than it did when my husband was alive.  Not that the room looked all that great when my husband was alive but it was ours and it was comfortable.

 

This was my opportunity to practice what I am always writing about: to embrace your life and move forward.

I was going to paint the room myself last summer but something always seemed to happen and I never got around to it.  Other rooms in the house have changed since my husband's death but this one has remained essentially the same.  I enter the room but I never really look at it or spend any time in it.  I usually go to my bedroom when it's time to sleep or change my clothes but I don't go there to hang out and say, read a book, or talk on the phone because there are too many memories there.

 

Now, nine years later, after all this time, I finally realized I had to make it a different room.  Otherwise, it would always be "our" room and that would be rather silly since my husband died.  I didn't even put any of my clothes in the drawers on the other side of the bureau because those once belonged to him.  It didn't feel right putting my things in his drawers.  But last year, I slowly started taking over all the drawers (it felt weird at first) and I must admit I am thankful for the extra space.

It was a gradual decision to change the room.  Over the past year, I found it was getting be a real downer to be in the room because here I was trying hard to rebuild my life and move forward yet when I came into my bedroom it was stuck in time.  I had flashbacks to our time together and I loved the memories, yet I knew that I would still have the memories even if I painted the room, bought a new bedspread and pillows and moved the furniture around.

Of course, this didn't come to me all at once.  It took awhile for me to push myself to do this.

Even though it was hard to do, I am now glad, and actually sort of relieved, that I am changing my bedroom because now it feels fresh and renewed.  It's okay to give yourself as much time as you need to feel comfortable with whatever changes you make in your life after you lose a loved one.  You know how it feels and you know when you are ready to think about your life in a different way.

It's not sad to change.   It just means that I am taking what has happened to me and learning how to blend it into my present life in a positive way.  I'm not leaving my husband behind because that's not possible. 

But I've come to the point where I realize it's okay to make new memories for myself.
 

Let Your Light Shine

Today is twenty four hours of new time.  Time you didn't have yesterday and time you won't have tomorrow.

Today is a day for you to shine.  In the words of South African President Nelson Mandela (please read below), "We are powerful beyond measure."

 

Today is a day to discover something new about yourself.  A day to show what you are about.

It's your day. . . Find your power!

 

 

 

Find Your Power

 

 

Our Deepest Fear

From Nelson Mandela's 1994 inaugural speech

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who I am to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the World.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that

other people won't feel unsure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God

that is within us.

It is not just in some of us;

it is in everyone.

As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously 

give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

Beers With Friends

 

 

 

 

A good friend of mine posted the below story on her Facebook page but there was no source of authorship so I don't know who wrote it or where it came from.

 

But I thought it was wonderful story, definitely asking me to think about how I spend my time and how I prioritize my life: family, friends, my health, my passions.  Do I get a sense of meaning from my work, daily activities and relationships?  Maybe I am letting the small stuff get in the way of the more important stuff?

 

It's always healthy to reassess yourself.

 

I try to create a healthy and loving life for myself and to give thanks every day.  I find when I go out of my way to promote a positive mental attitude within myself that I then find it's a little easier to focus on the  satisfaction in what life gives me.  If I'm always working against what is happening around me, then that's when I'm out of tune with myself.

 

The simpler I make my life, the less turmoil I cause myself.

 

I think the professor would agree.  Here's his story:

 

 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise  jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Staying Young At Heart

Next week is Thanksgiving!! How did that happen?

The calendar says November (I checked it!) but I feel I'm still mentally stuck in the summertime.  I really am having a hard time this year getting used to daylight savings time and it being dark so early.  It doesn't feel great to leave work, walk out of the building and it's already night time.  It is just not my thing at all.  I love it when it is 7 or 8 o'clock at night and it's still light outside!

 

It's the best!

Plus this year, Thanksgiving seems early and then all the shopping and parties start and before you know it, Christmas is here.

I'm looking forward to catching up with my son who has been away for months and other members of my family I haven't seen for awhile.  Then there are always those memories of holidays in the past which sometimes sit in the back of my brain, vying for attention.  These memories can be triggered by a person, a song, even the smell of particular food.

 

For instance, whenever I smell that burnt, roasting smell of chestnuts cooking, I am instantly in New York City with my husband.   And whenever I smell turkey stuffing or the ingredients of stuffing cooking, I am back in the kitchen of my childhood.

 

I think it's healthy to take these good and bad holiday memories "out" shall we say, and visit with them but not obsess over them.  Acknowledge that they happened, talk about them or write about them if that makes you feel better and then put these past memories back in their mental place.

 

Today is what counts.  Not something that happened many years ago that you can't change and might not want to change.  Express what is appropriate and then move on.

 

This holiday season my priority is to stay emotionally well and appreciate simplicity.  In browsing the web to research ways to reinforce this idea for myself, I came upon a short list of tips written by Joan Westlake for healthkey.com that I think is a good starting point for being positive and staying young at heart:

1. Love

Affection and companionship are the best medicines for the heart.  Fabulous friends, great grandchildren, salubrious siblings and nice neighbors keep you involved in life.  Revel in romance.  Pets provide unconditional love plus the hugs and warmth on which the soul thrives.

2. Give

What you give truly comes back 10-fold.  There are children longing for someone to read them a book, homeless folks hungry for a helping of kindness with their soup, homebound people waiting for a ray of humanity to brighten their day and friendly dogs needing a walk while the hope for a forever family.

3. Move

Get on the go.  Swimming is one of the best ways to keep in shape well into your 90s.  Start your day off with a walk or hike.  Take a dance class and get out and Salsa, Two-Step or Disco.  Tai chi and yoga guide you in ancient movements to enrich your body and soul.

4. Explore
Take a trip.  Learn a new language.  Start a new business.  Go live in the place of your dreams.  Find your spiritual nature.  Go boldly into new worlds.

5. Party
Celebrate and embrace each birthday!  Invite friends of all ages.  Dance and play loud music.  Eat cake and steak and have that rowdy shot of tequila or expensive glass of wine. 

You're worth it!!

Now Is Powerful

Photo By Patti Raab

When I was in my twenties, I felt as though I had all the time in the world to do whatever it was I wanted to do.  I think that feeling was the luxury of youth.  I had no sense of needing to get things done urgently because if it didn't happen today I was confident that I would get another chance tomorrow.  There would always be tomorrow for a do-over, if you will.

"See you tomorrow!"

"Oh, I'll tell you about that later."

"Yeah we have to find a date and then we'll do it.  I'll get back to you."

But now I try very hard to stay in the present, to appreciate the gift of life, and say and do what should be taken care of today because nine years ago today my wonderful husband died and I saw that you don't always get a tomorrow.

I saw how quickly life can twirl you around and yank off your blindfold, leaving you stumbling, confused and guessing about the scary unknown.

How did I keep it together (some of the time), raise a child and work a full-time job?

By taking baby steps in the beginning and slowly developing a well of inner strength that came through the kind help of family, friends, neighbors, praying a lot, meditating a lot, crying, laughing, reaching out for help from a fantastic support group, learning to make peace, accepting some of the bad stuff and writing for Cry, Laugh, Heal.

 

You, my dear readers, are truly a gift I never thought I would have and I thank you, thank you for coming to Cry, Laugh Heal!

 

Being in present time, to be what is called "fully present" sounds cliche but it really isn't.  I have found that when I concentrate on staying in the present it is truly a good thing.  I don't always succeed but the results are definitely worth the effort.

 

For me, staying in the present means I am with the person that I am with.  I am listening to them and the words they are saying to me, the thoughts and emotions they are trying to convey to me. 

 

I am not typing on my computer keyboard as they are talking to me, I am not watching television as they talk to me and I am not writing a check or a note as they try to talk to me.  I am focused on our conversation and I am really, really trying not to think ahead about my reply.

 

I am mentally focused in the moment of what is happening between me and the other person.

 

I am trying not to let my mind run ahead or go backwards in time because then I might miss the beauty of what is happening to me right now.

 

Now is a beautiful thing and a thing to take care of. 

 

Now is when you get to say and do what you intend to do so that later on you don't have regrets about how you forgot to say something or you should have done something.

 

Now is powerful.

 

Whatever it is, do it today.  Don't put it off.  Do it now.

 

Look To This Day

 

 

Look To this Day

By Kalidasa

 Look to this day:

For it is life, the very life of life.

In its brief course

Lie all the verities and realities of your existence.

The bliss of growth,

The glory of action,

The splendour of achievement

Are but experiences of time.

For yesterday is but a dream

And tomorrow is only a vision;

And today well-lived, makes

Yesterday a dream of happiness

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well therefore to this day;

Such is the salutation to the ever-new dawn!

Stop All The Clocks. . .

Someone you love has died. 

 

Everything around you, people, conversations, situations, the Earth, even life itself, feels like it has suddenly stopped. 

 

To me, this moment is very similiar to being in a car accident.  After the screeching brakes, the moment of impact, the shattering glass and the crush of metal hitting metal, there is an eery silence; a tingling in your ears. 

Your eyes see but what you see doesn't look real; your ears hear but what is being said doesn't make sense and you can't seem to get your breath and breathe.  Nothing is computing and your brain is shutting down because you can't seem to process what is happening.  You might even feel that you have separated from yourself and are outside of your body watching yourself from afar.

You immediately want to go backwards.  Take me back to an hour ago, take me back a half hour ago, take me back 5 minutes, take me back 1 minute.  I don't care how far you take me back, I don't want to be in the present time.  I remember looking out the window of my house the day after my husband died and I was really surprised to see people walking around and cars traveling up and down the street as if nothing had changed.  Everything outside appeared normal even though it wasn't for me.

That is why the W.H. Auden poem resonates with so many people..."Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone..."  It might be tempting to follow your gut feeling while you are in the midst of new grief but I found myself most comforted when I reached out to people I trusted with my vulnerability.