Developing A Grief Pill

The pharmaceutical industry is researching the development an anti-depressant pill for people who are grieving.

Hmmmmm....

My gut feeling when I first read this story about the availability of a so-called grief pill in The Washington Post was that it seemed rather predatory of the pharmaceutical industry to be focusing its scientific expertise and vast financial resources on people when they are at the most vulnerable and sometimes lowest points in their lives.

I vividly remember the competing emotions I felt after my husband died.  Raw pain and numbness.  Exhaustion and adrenaline.  On top of all that, I was taking care of my young son, working a full-time job and all I wanted was someone to tell me was how long all of this was going to last. Unfortunately, no one could tell me  the length of time it would take for me to process my grief.  I now understand that figuring out how to live without a loved one is really and truly different for each person.

 

Yup, I enthusiastically support the marketplace being open to offering the largest array of medical options possible, including pills,  to alleviate the physical and mental pain of whatever disease or condition people are experiencing.

 

However, on the other hand, it is as though the pharmaceutical industry is saying that something is definitely wrong with you when you are grieving; that grief is similar to having high levels of cholesterol; that grief is a condition or a disease that needs to be treated with chemicals when that is usually not be the case at all.

 

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to the loss of someone you loved and cared about and unfortunately, it's extremely painful.  Pills are not the first solution that comes to mind because whenever you read or talk to a doctor about how bad you feel when you are grieving, they usually advise you to be very careful where drugs and alcohol are concerned because either substance by themselves or taken together can easily become part of an unhealthy coping system. 

When you take all of those factors into consideration, I have to conclude that the government's approval of industry efforts to research, manufacture and distribute such a grief pill is a difficult call. 

I did not take any pills while grieving for my husband but I honestly can say that I did think about how it would have been fantastic to be able to take a pill that would block all of the pain I was constantly feeling.  My desire was very strong to make the pain stop.  And the idea that there might be a pill that would take the edge off of my pain would have made life a helluv a lot easier to live.

But I also know that at that point in my life I could very easily have become dependent on any pill that would have made me feel so good.  Somewhere inside me I knew that the last thing that I needed was to be doped up when I had so much responsibility.  I never went to my doctor and asked for a pain or anxiety prescription because I knew that eventually I was going to have to feel the raw sadness of my loss and find a way to get on the other side of it.

There are cases when people do need medical help with their grieving process and I know that this needs to be taken into consideration but I think medicine already exists to take care of it.

 

How do you feel about this issue?

 

Make up your own mind by reading this link to The Washington Post story:

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/antidepressants-to-treat-grief-psychiatry-panelists-with-ties-to-drug-industry-say-yes/2012/12/26/ca09cde6-3d60-11e2-ae43-cf491b837f7b_story_3.html

Nighty Night?

The change in seasons has been taking me for a bit of a roller coaster ride lately and I am ready to get off.

I can't quite put my finger on what is bringing about all of these conflicting feelings but I am determined not to let them get the best of me.  Some of it, I think, has to do with the sun beginning to set earlier now but I think the other factors may be a prolonged lack of sleep and a lot of family stuff rolling around in my brain.  I know I am tired and I am ready to fall asleep but I don't always stay asleep.

 

Maybe this has happened to you and then you know how frustrating it is to look at your bedside clock, close your eyes and pray for sleep to come and send you to a restful place.  And then it doesn't happen.

 

Did you know that over 20% of Americans may suffer from chronic sleep loss or untreated sleep disorders?  Amazing right?  It seems so simple: it's night time, you're tired, lay down on the bed, close your eyes and off to sleep.  Not.

Sleep is one of those things that I take for granted until I can't do it.  I would love to sleep in like I used to when I was in college.  Now that was really sleeping!  I could sleep until noon or one o'clock with no problems at all and wake up totally refreshed.  Plus I never felt guilty if I slept half of the day away.

Now it seems as if I need some kind of nuclear fairy dust to get me to go into a deep sleep.

 

I made some progress last night in catching up on some of my lost sleep, forcing myself to turn off the television around 9 pm and get ready for bed by reading.  These small changes might be the trick to turning the whole sleep thing around.  I'll have to wait and see. 

In some ways this inability to sleep reminds me of the period of time after my husband died and I would only sleep for a few hours a night.  Trouble with sleeping is normal when you are grieving or handling a stressful event in your life; especially when your grief is new.  Grief may cause anxious and depressed feelings which can then cause you to stay wide awake, getting caught up in a loop of lacking sleep.

 

It's true that your life has changed.  There is no ignoring that painful fact.  I can't tell you when you will laugh again -- although I hope it's soon -- but I can tell you that the more you are able to acknowledge your true feelings and express them, the faster you will process your grief feelings and regain your sense of self and regular sleep habits.

 

Ah, yes regular sleep habits.  I'm looking forward to having those back in my life and will continue to try some different ways to make this happen. 

Without being too personal, what are some of the things that help you sleep well?

Healing Through Lavender

Mother Nature is one smart cookie.

 

She has given us natural remedies for anxiety, stress and other ailments but instead we choose to try and manufacture something that we think will be better.  Something that is usually full of chemicals and ends up causing environmental problems or making us sick.

 

Enter the healing herb of lavender, which is a beautiful and hardy perennial.

 

 

I discovered the healing benefits of lavender a little over a year ago and can't say enough about it.  Smelling lavender immediately calms me.  While on vacation recently in Bethany Beach, DE, I went to the local farmer's market, as I usually do, in search of a lavender vender who was there last year as well as farm fresh tomatoes and corn on the cob. 

 

As I entered the parking lot full of shoppers and tents and tables, I immediately spied a table full of natural products from Lavender Fields, a 5-acre lavender farm in Delaware (www.lavenderfieldsde.com).  I haven't visited the farm in Milton, Delaware but would love to do so.  Lavender Fields is a farm and a cottage store where 37 varieties of lavender are grown that is open from May to November.  One day I intend to check it out.

 

Lavender Fields located in Milton, Delaware

 I loved smelling many of the wonderful lavender products and ended up buying three types of hand made lavender soaps and a small glass vial of lavender oil which I sometimes put on my temples, my wrists and behind my ears to relieve tension or stress.

 

Studies show, and I have found out for myself, that the scent of lavender lowers your heart rate and blood pressure, putting you in a relaxed state.  Here are a few other ideas for taking advantage of lavender's healing and health properties:

 

--use a few drops of lavender oil into your bath water to soak and relax;

 

--use on burns and bites to relieve itch and pain;

 

--apply to skin to repel mosquitoes and other insects;

 

--sprinkle a few drops on a cotton ball by your pillow to help you sleep.

Lavender has been with us since Biblical times yet even today, in our fast-paced world, Mother Nature continues to take care us with the most natural and organic healers.

Make Each Day Meaningful

Resilience is a quality we all have within us.  We can take that resilience and make it work for us and strengthen ourselves if we choose.

 

Resilience is a tenacity of spirit; a determination to deal with adversity in our lives.  I know it doesn't feel like it at the time we are trying to handle one of life's stressful or sad times, but the courage and patience that we find inside ourselves as we process hardships can help us come out on the other side of it a better person.

 

A better person, you ask?  How can that be? 

 

Adversity can sometimes make us better people in terms of gaining new insight about life and about yourself.  A better person in terms of coping and reordering our priorities.  And a better person in terms of appreciating and loving life even more than we did before because we know how it can change up in a snap.

 

The good times sparkle even brighter after those challenging times, don't they?

 

Of course, I am not wishing adversity on anyone.  I don't have to because life hands it to us all on its' own.  I know this from my own experiences and those of my family and my dear friends.

 

Accepting and even anticipating change helps us maintain flexibility about life and all that come rolling our way.

 

Remain calm.  Remain peaceful.  Remain hopeful.

 

 

Crying & Healing

This post is for anyone, and in particular someone who is close to me, who is currently going through an anxious time in their life and is unsure how it will turn out.

Anxiety may be dogging you and causing sleepless nights, loss of appetite, an increase in appetite, a need to abuse alcohol or drugs (please don't!!!!), crankiness or sadness and crying.  As in crying constantly.  Like every day.  At any time.

This person close to me was talking recently about how crying really does make her feel better but she's also aware that it doesn't make others around feel better.  Crying is normal and is a healthy release from sadness, tension, frustration or anger about a particularly stressful situation.



But even though crying is normal, it scares alot of people; both men and women.  I have seen people who can handle incredible amounts of stress or pressure or work completely mishandle a situation when they see someone cry in public.  They either just stand there fumbling through words that they hope will make some kind of sense or they find a reason to excuse themselves and walk away.

Hello?????  Really??????  All the person needs is a comforting gesture.  Let's exercise our human natures and try to connect with one another.  A hug or holding a person's hand or putting an arm around their shoulder would be wonderful place to start.  Just keep telling yourself that it's not about how uncomfortable you feel.  It's really about helping the other person who is obviously in some kind of distress and is falling apart in front of you.

Many years ago, I would cry all the time.  I didn't plan it.  And I didn't do it on purpose.  I would just feel an overwhelming sadness and then the tears would start to well up and I couldn't stop myself.  I had no control over my feelings at all.  At the time, I was grieving over the loss of my husband, for our life together and for our life as a family with a young child.  I really did try to keep it together but for about a year I cried a lot.

I didn't even care where I was when I cried.  I didn't even care how other people reacted to my crying.  I was so beyond worrying about how I looked when I cried.  Sometimes I would do "The Ugly Cry," as Oprah calls it, which is full out face crying with your face twisted and red and your mouth wide open and then other times I would find myself sitting quietly and the tears would roll down my face.

I did scare myself once with my crying.  Once, when I was at the cemetary early in the morning during the work week when no one was there, I was kneeling on the ground and talking to my husband at the same time.  I was full of emotion and frustration and anxiety and I cried so hard that I got a nose bleed.  That was bad!

 

I was at a particularly low point in my life and never in a million years would I ever wish that absolute down-in-the-gutter feeling of loneliness on anyone.  God bless you if you happen to be in that place right now.  I am sorry for what you are going through righ now and I am sending you a hug and a message of strength so you know you are not alone and that there is always hope.

 

I know it doesn't feel like there is any hope right right now.  The person close to me doesn't feel it either.  But there is hope and I know it is within you.

 

Let it burn within you and please allow yourself to feel your inner strength and always believe in your ability to build on it.

 

It's okay, in fact it's necessary to give yourself permission to cry, for your tears are a comfort and a sign you are processing your anxious feelings.  Releasing your tears may help you sort out your feelings but they will never extinguish your beautiful inner spirit or your power to renew your life.

 

Road Trip -- Traveling Alone

I was chatting with one of my friends recently and catching up with the happenings in her life.  We hadn't spoken for a few months so there was a lot to talk about.  Her husband died about three years ago and she was telling me about the adjustments and bumps in the road that her new life was presenting for her.

 

One big issue was vacation.

 

Sounds great, right?  Easy, right? Just do it, right?

 

Welllllll, it's not as easy as it sounds if you are still getting used to the idea that you are doing things by yourself.  She had planned where she wanted to go for a vacation.  That was the easy part.  It's the same place that she and her husband used to go every year for vacation so she is very familiar with where she is going.  And she also planned for friends to be there when she arrives. 

 

But the friends are coming from different cities so she will be traveling to her vacation place by herself.  For the first time.

I have no doubts that she will be able to handle the actual traveling by herself.  She may be a little teary and she might need to stop along the way to collect herself when memories of her and her husband together occassionally pops into her brain but overall I think going on vacation this way will be a good thing for my friend to try this and see how it goes.  I give her a lot of credit for putting herself out there and doing something very different.  She's a trooper!

I know you agree and am wondering what your thoughts are on this kind of situation.  Traveling alone may be a breeze for you. . . or not.  Do you have any tips to share about feeling vulnerable and traveling alone?

Many thanks for your suggestions!!!

Tax Day

Today is dreaded Tax Day which means that people in the United States must file individual tax returns with the Internal Revenue Service.

Not to worry for those who aren't prepared to file your taxes today.  The IRS allows you to file an extension which gives you until October 15 to file.  Thank goodness right?  There is more time if you need it!

Taxes are confusing under even the most normal of circumstances.  According to CBS News, the U.S. tax code is more than 73,000 pages long. Just figuring out what to pay eats up an estimated 6.1 billion hours of our time each year.

But if you are filing as a widow or widower this year for the first time, I send you my condolences.  I've been there and it's a hard place to be.  You are deep in grief and you just want everything to stop.  Yet the world around you continues to go on and it's jarring to face reality.  Taxes are just one more thing from a list of many that are now your responsibility as the surviving spouse.

With all of the emotional upheaval you are trying to deal with since your loss, I'm sure taxes are the very last thing on your mind.  Or at least they were for me.

 

Maybe your spouse was in charge of this responsibility and all you had to do was sign the papers.  Or maybe you were involved and helped gather papers, receipts and other financial essentials to prepare your taxes with your spouse.  Either way, your financial future is now in your hands.

 

But the good news is that there are lots of resources out there and if you feel overwhelmed by doing your own taxes then it's okay to get or ask for help.  Give yourself a break.

You aren't alone in your confusion.  I get help with my taxes every year and I feel good to have found an accountant I can trust.  Tax laws change all the time and there is no way the average person can keep up with them.  I use and need an accountant now and even before my husband died because neither one of us was good at that kind of thing.  We would gather our receipts and statements together, talk about some stuff we weren't sure of and then make an appointment to talk to the accountant.

 

The first year after my husband died was particularly difficult.  Going backwards in the checkbook and other financial papers forced me to relive the year and all of the ups and down of hospitalization, doctor's appointments and other events that I didn't really want to think about.  But the next year was a little easier and the next year after that a little easier too.

 

It takes time to figure out what works for you.  I did gain confidence in setting up my own system and keeping track of the household expenses and I bet you will too!

The Art of Resilience

Being Proactive Can Strengthen Your Resilience

The subject of resilience totally fascinates me.

Resilience is being able to bounce back after being tossed around by life.  Trying to figure out why one person bounces back from a life trauma and another person breaks from the pain tells us something about the human condition don't you think?

 

It's a roll of the dice. It's the $64 million question.

The ability to stay on track and keep your focus, the ability to develop an inner strength in the face of adversity is inspiring to me and in turn I draw strength from other people's stories of getting through a serious illness, a financial setback or the loss of a loved one.

 

When I read or hear about other people's experiences with life's hardships, I am always curious about what they were thinking as they went through it and what kept them going.  Sometimes it strengthens my resolve and I think to myself, "If they can do it, then so can I."

After my husband died, I searched everywhere for stories about widows raising children and read all the stories about it that I could find so that I might figure out what I was going to do.  The best advice I read was this:  don't ignore your problems or try to wish them away.  Take each day as it comes and if you can't bear to look past 24 hours or even an hour, then don't.

 

Try to break the moments down into manageable blocks of time.  Sometimes that's only 10 minutes but that's okay.  Often I would go from 10 minutes to the next 10 minutes and then the next 10 minutes until I found I had gotten through an hour and then I continued to slowly work my way through the time of pain.

I think it's good to know that the bouncing back part doesn't always happen immediately.  It takes awhile to figure out what's going on, put yourself somewhat back together and start following your usual daily routines.  During this time, reaching out to family and friends for support is key.

There is no way to predict which adult or child is going to find the determination and inner resolve to dig down within himself or herself and overcome the bad/stressful/unfair situation that life has thrown their way.  You might think that it's the person who has been given much in terms of material wealth and privilege but it's not always that way.

Sometimes the person who shows incredible amounts of inner strength is the person who has nothing.  No material goods and no parent.  Or the person has a parent but it's one that's an alcoholic or drug addict.  Or no job and no insurance.  Or no spouse and no idea what the future will bring.

 

If you have nothing or the one thing in life that you loved was taken away then you can as if you have nothing to lose and that in itself is a kind of resolve. 

 

Resilience isn't all about being tough and toughing it out, but more about opening yourself up to life and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and reaching out for support. 

 

You can't change what has happened but with courage, support, and a hopeful attitude, you and I can look toward the future and wahtever it may bring us.

Two Life Tips

 

 

Say Ohmmmm!

 

My mother gets more magazines than anyone I know.  She always has a huge stack of magazines near her chair and after she whips through them she is always happy to get rid of them.

 

This weekend I stopped by my parents' house to visit, catch-up and check in on them to see how things are going and she gave me at least 25 magazines to take home.  Oh don't worry.  My Mom still has more magazines for herself.

 

I am always looking for information on how get healthier and de-stress and while reading a December 2012 Family Circle magazine, I came upon an article by Sharon Boone about how to avoid a meltdown during the Christmas season.  Now Christmas may be over, but for me there is always the possibility of a stress build-up from any number of sources and anything that can help me make my stress work for me is a good thing.

 

Here are two life tips that popped out for me:

 

--Say  Ohmmm: Meditation can slow a racing heart, decrease blood pressure, steady breathing and even stop checkout lines from driving you crazy. (Well, maybe.)  "By eliminating all distractions save the sound of your breath, meditation transforms the body's fight-or-flight response to relaxation," says Jay Winner, M.D., author of Take The Stress Out of Your Life.

 

--Appeal To A Higher Power: People who prayed before performing a task -- say, preparing dinner for 30 people -- had lower blood pressure and felt less anxious than those who did not.  Researchers theorize that prayer creates the sense of having a nonjudgmental and powerful support network.

 

It's all about my choices and as I jump into a new work week, I am going to try and find strength in the positive and kick the negative stuff to the curb!

A Hawaiian Good Luck Sign

 

 

Life In The Intersection

 

Laughter really and truly is the best medicine and my prescription for you on this wintery Wednesday is the following hysterical "letter" from a ficititous grandmother that was published in a community newsletter. 

Traffic in the DMV (District of Columbia, Maryland and Virginia metro area) is notoriously horrendous and after hearing the driving stories on the news and from friends who traveled by car over the Thanksgiving holiday, this story had me laughing out loud and nothing is better for dissolving stress and anxiety than a good laugh.

 

As a note, someone wrote this "letter" to be funny; please don't think I'm making fun of an elderly person because this "letter" could be about a driver of any age.

 

Dear Grand-daughter,

 

     The other day I went to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk! If you love Jesus" bumper sticker.  I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.  So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

 

     Boy! Am I glad I did!  What an uplifiting experience that followed!

 

     I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

 

     It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed that the light had changed.  I found that lots of people love Jesus!  While I was sitting there, the man behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of God!  Go!  Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO!"

 

     What an exuberant cheeleader he was for Jesus!  Everyone started honking!  I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!  There must be a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. 

 

     I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  I asked my teenaged grandson, who was in the back seat, what that meant.  He said it was probably a Hawaiian 'good luck' sign or something.  Well, I never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the 'good luck' sign right back!  My grandson burst out laughing.  Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

 

     A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light changed, again.

 

     So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove through the intersection.  I noticed that I was the only car that through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.  So, I slowed down the car, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian 'good luck' sign one last time as I drove away.

 

     Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

 

     Will write again soon!

 

     Love, Grandma

 

Worrying vs Caring

In our post 9/11 world, I think a lot of us operate as though the other shoe is going to drop any minute.  When I find myself in that mode, I try to put the brakes on the fear, the anxiety or whatever you want to call it  because walking around worrying doesn't accomplish anything.  Unfortunately, this can become a regular way of dealing with things, which can be harmful to yourself.

You can't worry about a situation because you can't control it.  But you do have power over yourself and you can try to control your responses to life's more stressful events.  You are re-teaching yourself how to respond to various people in your daily life and it takes some practice.  The first itme I tried reacting differently to a situation I considered dysfunctional, I was truly surprised.  I did feel calmer because I wasn't investing negative energy into it.

With that in mind, I saw this story in yesterday's Huffington Post and thought it was timely:

Worrying vs Caring: Do You Know The Difference?

By Donna Labermeier

Most people would say that worrying is pointless and a waste of time and energy. I submit to you that it is actually harmful. Here's why: Worry is fear-based. It is a projection of negative energy. Caring, on the other hand, is a projection of positive energy. When you care about situations or people, you're hopeful that things will get better. When you worry about them, you're afraid they won't.

Consider these three reasons you need to quit worrying, starting today:

1. Adding Fuel to the Fire:

When we worry about someone or something, we direct our energy toward the situation. We are, in fact, putting fear and doubt into an already shaky state of affairs. For instance, maybe you recently found out that a close friend hasn't been feeling well... something about a pain in her stomach. So what's the first thing you do? Probably start contemplating the myriad of medical conditions she could have (not that you're a doctor). Then, you call a mutual friend and discuss the issue with her -- "Cancer? Appendix? Kidneys?" (Not that she's a doctor, either.) So then that person goes to the beauty salon and discusses it some more, and those individuals commiserate and worry along with her. How many people is that now adding their energies into the mix? It's okay to talk about what's going on around you, but try to at least put a positive spin on it, like, "Carol told me she's been having some pain, but I'm sure she'll go see her doctor, and it'll all work out just fine. I hope she feels better."

Hear the difference? One approach is called spreading gossip, which is harmful, and the other shows she genuinely cares about another person's well-being.

Let's look at the news for a moment. Nowadays, we have 24-hour access to everything that's happening in the world. Most of which we can't do anything about. Now, I agree that it's important to be on top of issues in the news, especially when it pertains directly to our own lives, but you have to be able to cope with the barrage of information that you're inviting into your home. I'm sure there are a number of people out there who have become depressed, fearful and angry from getting an overdose of watching the news day in and day out.

Sometimes we can focus too much on the "doom and gloom." There are positive, uplifting news stories, also, and we need to start giving more of our attention to those. When our emotions collectively tilt to the negative, as worry, doubt, and fear set in, at what point are we possibly pulling more of the same challenges in for ourselves? When more and more people come into agreement about a particular idea, that collective consciousness can become so strong that it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If what we focus our energy on expands and continues to get stronger, then let's try focusing on something good.

2. Hanging on Like a Dog With a Bone:

Sometimes when we're really worried, we hold on to a problem so tightly that we block any kind of resolution from coming in. We end up throwing so much nervous anxiety at an issue that it winds up taking forever to get fixed. I'm not saying we should all sit around and do nothing when a challenge arises, but I am suggesting that once you take action to get it fixed, don't keep checking on it and asking, "Is it fixed yet? Is it fixed yet? Is it fixed yet?" You have to let go and release it once you set the solution in motion.

If you don't want something to perpetuate and persist, don't give it any energy! If you do, then by all means, keep checking. Otherwise, get out of your own way. Go work on something else for a while, and stop thinking about it. Because as soon as you do, the answer to your dilemma will show up, your problem will suddenly be fixed, or "that person" will finally call you back.

3. Internalizing Negative Energy:

Did you know that worriers can internalize so many harmful thoughts and feelings that they, in turn, can make themselves ill? When you keep pushing negative energy down into your physical body, that energy can manifest itself and materialize as dis-ease. Worry, fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, stress are all toxic to the human body. These emotions will damage your cells. They will literally eat away at you if you let them. Being a worrier is a very unhealthy position to put yourself in.

So, do yourself and others a huge favor and quit worrying! Instead, just care. Care about a situation being resolved, care about another person's well-being, and care about yourself. You'll feel so much better, and you'll make others feel a lot better, too. Start today by shutting the door on the things you're afraid of and opening a new door in anticipation of better things to come.

I'm Listening

I have found that when you are talking to children of any age about almost any subject, you should be prepared to hear things that can be so truthful that it can take your breath away.  That's not a bad thing.  I think it's wonderful but not everyone is always ready to hear the unpolished truth. 

That's the beauty and wonder of children: there usually is no filter on their wise thoughts.

In talking to my son about his father's death, I tried to keep our conversations as honest and open as I could.  I felt it was more important for my son to express himself and vent his frustrations than it was to worry about whether his words hurt my feelings.

The conversations were for him, not me.  He needed to have a way to verbalize his thoughts and feelings even if they didn't make sense.  This was about him, a then 13-year-old boy, working through his jumble of emotions instead of ignoring the pain and trying to go on with his life and tamp it down inside himself.

I didn't think it would be constructive to tell my son that we needed to talk about his loss and then make him filter and edit his point of view.  I knew he needed to say what he felt and not what he thought I wanted to hear.  There were times when I was surprised by the rawness of his anger but I couldn't show it.  I figured if I did show my surprise or displeasure while talking to him, then whatever progress we made in communicating would be erased by me revealing what I felt or thought.

 Hello Grief, an insightful support website for children, teens and adults, addresses having serious conversations about a loss with children and offers the following tips which I hope you also find to be helpful:

 

Having Good Conversations With Your Kids

By Hello Grief (www.hellogrief.org)

While children experience the same feelings of despair, sadness, helplessness, anger, anxiety, guilt, confusion and fear that adults do following a loss, they often do not have the maturity and experience to understand, identify and express those feelings.

Communication is key to helping our children understand their grief, and begin addressing it in healthy ways. Without communication, you will not know where your child may have a misunderstanding about how or why the loss occurred. With communication, you will be able to identify areas in which your child is struggling with their grief, and how you can help.

It is important to continue discussing the loss and after affects of the loss (such as moving, remarriage, life milestones), with your children over time.

Below are a few tips to having open, successful communication with your kids about grief and loss at any age:

• As a parent, understand what your goal is before starting the conversation - why are you wanting to talk to your child? Is there a specific issue you want to discuss? A specific question you want to uncover?
• Stay on topic – Once you decide on your goal for the conversation, don’t use this time to bring up other “issues” you’ve wanted to address unrelated to the conversation (i.e., homework, house chores, dating, etc).
• Create a safe environment – Atmosphere can play a huge role in your child’s willingness to open up about how he or she is feeling. Have this discussion in a safe place, away from others who may overhear. Don’t create an intimidating environment, such as starting this conversation in places associated with “getting in trouble.” Having a snack, or doing an activity during which talking is easy could be helpful (such as coloring/drawing, riding in a car, going for a jog, etc).
• Allow your kids to be able to say whatever they need, any way they want, to during your conversation - This does not mean you have to allow your child to use profanity if you do not typically allow it. Rather, enable your child to say what they need to say without “correcting their story,” should you remember it differently, or have a different opinion. It also means not keeping any topics “off limits” – including the details of the loss, even if it’s difficult for you to discuss. Let them say what they need, and ask the questions they need without limitation.
• Know that some things are off limits to parents - It’s not you, it’s them. And it’s normal. But, having more frequent safe, and honest conversations with your children will help them build trust and begin to discuss more. Also know that even if your child isn’t saying anything to you, it doesn’t mean they are not benefiting from the conversation. Know they are processing internally. You should also make sure that your child has additional outlets to have the conversations they can’t have with you – such as a counselor, or support group.

Crunch Time

As a single parent, I can feel myself entering that time of year every parent knows as "crunch time."

The end of the school year is upon us and that always means that something that should have been done earlier in the school year and was forgotten or postponed now suddenly has to be done.  Everyone knows exactly when the school year ends and is starting to count the days until they can be free of homework and enjoy summer.

Whether it's a term paper, an art project, extra credit to try and raise a grade or a presentation of some sort, all of these school demands are careening into each other and if you as the parent don't play traffic cop with these assignments, then they will all end up as messy as a five car crash with at least one of your children in the middle of it having a crying or yelling fit.

Throw into that mix a birthday party or two or a prom and your stress level is reaching new heights.

A lot of this is supposed to be fun and depending on the age of your child, a lot of this is also your child's responsibility.  But that doesn't help eliminate the tension between you and your child.  It may not be your school assignment, but you still know that something's due or at least that it needs to be worked on.

I am reaching the end of the school journey with my son graduating from college in May but I vividly remember the late nights and lost sleep because we were trying to fit everything in to the last weeks of the school year.

For all of you parents out there doing double duty, here are some stress busters:

-- Find Harmony.  It may be impossible to find a quiet room so you may have to go into the bathroom and just lock the door to temporarily escape the chaos for at least 10 minutes.  With your eyes partially closed, focus on your breathing and repeat the same word or phrase over and over again--like "um" or "one" or my favorite, "chocolate."  The process of repeating the same word will help clear your mind and relax your breathing and your inner parent.

--Get Moving.  Cortisol is a hormone released from the adrenal gland in times of stress such as when you are feeling anxiety or fear.  Guess what?  Exercise burns cortisol and makes you a happier and healthier Mom or Dad.  Walk or march in place as you are making those late night brownies that your child promised for their class' end-of-the-year picnic.

--Laugh It Off.  Crunch time can bring out everyone's dramatic side.  Laughing reduces anxiety tension and stress.  Try to find the lighter side as you are driving to a 24-hour CVS at midnight to buy CDs that have to be burned TONIGHT!  You can buy some M&Ms for yourself to eat in the car on the way back home so you don't fall asleep.  Remember, school will soon be over and months from now you won't be able to catch your breath when you tell the CVS story to your friends.

Right?

Listening Can Be Powerful

Every day I try to maintain a positive attitude about life.  I remind myself that I am blessed for having family, friends, a home, a job and good health.  I tell myself that this day is unique and I have an opportunity to do something I didn't get to do yesterday.  But it is still an anxious world we live in these days and we need to be aware of its' toll on others.

I am certain that God has a plan for all of us.  I am sure there are people out there who don't believe in God or any kind of higher being but that's not me.  I truly believe that God watches over us and I try my best to be good and stay on the straight and narrow.  Of course staying on the straight and narrow would be a million times easier if I could learn to keep my big mouth shut.  But that's another post.....

So instead of talking, I am working on listening.  I am learning that listening is a very valuable skill.  I think lots of people, myself included, carry around varying degrees of emotional and financial baggage and they're not sure what it all means and how it's going to turn out.  I'm not sure what God's plan is for us right now but in the past week, I think God's plan has been unsettling.  Last week, a male friend a few years older than me died suddenly, I found out today that a mother I know committed suicide and over the weekend I went to visit a family friend who just entered hospice care.

Comparing notes with a long-time friend about this, she said she knew what I meant because there are many of her friends right now who started taking medicine for anxiety or depression and doing all they can to keep it together during these tenuous times.

Life is fragile and that is all the more reason to hold on dearly to the people who matter most to you.  Whether those people are family, friends or both family and friends, life can switch gears very quickly.  I don't know whether these things are happening more often because I have reached a certain age in life or because the economy is causing people's anxiety levels to spike.  Maybe it's a combination of both things but I am aware that there is a different vibe out there now and it's not to be ignored.

Listening is a powerful tool.  I recently read that when you listen to people, really listen and not anticipate what they are going to say next, that sometimes they can hear the truth in what they are speaking, sometimes for the very first time.  When you listen you create space for someone to fill with their words, their thoughts.  When you are quiet you give the other person time to assess or process what is happening to them.

Listening is a gift.  Try it and see what happens.