Grief In the Office

Even though your world probably stopped when you lost a loved one, the world around you has continued  with its usual routine.

 

I know it's kind of a shocker to find this out but it's true.

 

You are racked with pain but unfortunately you still have bills to pay and possibly children to feed and keep on track as best as possible.

 

 

In my case, my husband's funeral was on a Monday and the work project I was involved with required that I go into the office on the Thursday of that same week to participate in a conference call.  I did go into the office which felt totally surreal, and somehow kept it together.  The young girl who sat in the conference room with me during the call did her best to let me know she was sorry I had to sit in on the call but was still uncomfortable because I think she thought I was going to randomly start crying.

 

I didn't start crying but I wanted to.  There were no tears because I was afraid to cry.  I was fearful that if I showed my work colleagues what a mess I was, then I would lose my job and then I would really be up a proverbial creek.

 

Coming off the elevator to my work floor, I began to see that there were usually two reactions from my work colleagues: either people acknowledged to me in their own way that they were sorry to hear that my husband had died or they acted like nothing had happened.  There was no middle ground.

 

Having been through this experience, I have to say that the best reaction is the honest reaction: someone either hugs you, holds your hand, says "I'm sorry for your loss," or asks if there is anything they can do.  I never understood the people who came up and talked to me as though nothing had happened.  You may also find yourself dealing with a vibe that seems like you are contagious with some kind of disease that NO ONE wants to be exposed to.

 

Even if you are uncomfortable or nervous in talking to someone who has just lost a loved one, I think you can always manage to say something that indicates you are a human being and that you and others have feelings about what happens to them.

 

God knows that today's competitive workplace is hard enough to navigate.  Work is a place of business but work is also a place made up of human beings.  Offices with forward looking management probably have thought about this already and have policies in place to help co-workers deal with their colleagues personal crises.  Or maybe not.  If not, it's definitely time to pull one together.

 

The Washington Post's Karla L. Miller addresses the issue of work bereavement policies and how being unprepared can lead to hurt feelings and graceless comments from colleagues.  Here's the link to her column in the Washington Post magazine: 

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/atwork-advice-office-bereavement-policies-can-avoid-awkwardness-and-hurt/2013/04/30/4b97864c-a089-11e2-9c03-6952ff305f35_story.html 

 

 

An Emotional Box

As I continue to slowly reorganize my freshly painted bedroom, it is amazing the things you find stored under your bed.

 

Last week I wrote about my long put-off decision to finally paint and reorganize my bedroom following my husband's death.  Now, as I pick and choose what I am bringing back into that room, I am dealing with some of the things that I pushed aside and choose not to think about.

 

In this instance, it is an old Estee Lauder box that once held cosmetics and perfume.  I loved the different colored berries pictured on the outside of the box and so I kept it and filled it with special things that I wanted to keep together in one place.

 

 

 

 

When my son was born, I put all the cards that people mailed to us in that box and then I continued to fill the box with birthday and holiday cards that he received as a child and various art projects that he did when he was in pre-school.

 

OMG, it is so precious!  When I opened the box, I just sat there and stared at it for a long time.

 

It's quite the emotional box; full of hopes, dreams, expectations, love and all the sweetness that I felt with the birth of my son and his early years as a toddler.  I went on a trip when I opened that box, a trip where I met myself and my husband some twenty-odd years ago.  We weren't young parents but we were a lot younger then and we had a new little baby boy and we were full of love, love, love and oblivious to the idea that it could ever, ever change.

 

I brought the box to my son, my "baby" who is now in his twenties, and showed him what I had found.  I took the cards out, one by one, opening them up and reading the kind messages and telling him about the friends and family that had sent these amazing cards when he was born and the other cards that came to him on Halloween, Valentine's Day and other birthdays.  He was fascinated that I had saved all these things and I was too.

 

In a way, I wished I hadn't saved all these sentimental momentos.  They were from another time, a time when there was three of us.  It's only been my son and I after my husband's death and sometimes it feels as though it's always been that way.  Or at least my mind tricks me into thinking that sometimes. 

 

But the cards are proof of a different family and different people.

 

I don't mean that in a bad way or even a sad way.  It was just different.

 

Finding the box led me and my son to talking and reminiscing about the people who sent the cherished cards and telling stories about them.  As we laughed and I answered his questions, I remembered things that I hadn't thought about in years and at the same time I felt the responsibility of being the only parent.  Since his father is no longer alive, I really wanted to remember everything I could to let him know what that time was like when he was an infant and toddler.

 

There are a lot of times as a single parent that you have to be both mother and father.  Discipline and financial decisions immediately come to mind as examples.  That isn't always a great role to fill and those are the times when you wish you had someone else to share the responsibility with.

But this time I was happy to talk to him for hours about the immense happiness that his birth brought to us, his mother and his father, and continues to bring to me. 

 

Crunch Time

As a single parent, I can feel myself entering that time of year every parent knows as "crunch time."

The end of the school year is upon us and that always means that something that should have been done earlier in the school year and was forgotten or postponed now suddenly has to be done.  Everyone knows exactly when the school year ends and is starting to count the days until they can be free of homework and enjoy summer.

Whether it's a term paper, an art project, extra credit to try and raise a grade or a presentation of some sort, all of these school demands are careening into each other and if you as the parent don't play traffic cop with these assignments, then they will all end up as messy as a five car crash with at least one of your children in the middle of it having a crying or yelling fit.

Throw into that mix a birthday party or two or a prom and your stress level is reaching new heights.

A lot of this is supposed to be fun and depending on the age of your child, a lot of this is also your child's responsibility.  But that doesn't help eliminate the tension between you and your child.  It may not be your school assignment, but you still know that something's due or at least that it needs to be worked on.

I am reaching the end of the school journey with my son graduating from college in May but I vividly remember the late nights and lost sleep because we were trying to fit everything in to the last weeks of the school year.

For all of you parents out there doing double duty, here are some stress busters:

-- Find Harmony.  It may be impossible to find a quiet room so you may have to go into the bathroom and just lock the door to temporarily escape the chaos for at least 10 minutes.  With your eyes partially closed, focus on your breathing and repeat the same word or phrase over and over again--like "um" or "one" or my favorite, "chocolate."  The process of repeating the same word will help clear your mind and relax your breathing and your inner parent.

--Get Moving.  Cortisol is a hormone released from the adrenal gland in times of stress such as when you are feeling anxiety or fear.  Guess what?  Exercise burns cortisol and makes you a happier and healthier Mom or Dad.  Walk or march in place as you are making those late night brownies that your child promised for their class' end-of-the-year picnic.

--Laugh It Off.  Crunch time can bring out everyone's dramatic side.  Laughing reduces anxiety tension and stress.  Try to find the lighter side as you are driving to a 24-hour CVS at midnight to buy CDs that have to be burned TONIGHT!  You can buy some M&Ms for yourself to eat in the car on the way back home so you don't fall asleep.  Remember, school will soon be over and months from now you won't be able to catch your breath when you tell the CVS story to your friends.

Right?