Old Movies

When Sundays are overcast and chilly, as yesterday was, I love to gather the blankets on the sofa and watch old movies.  At first I feel a little guilty about laying on the couch, vegging and doing nothing but then I remind myself that I'm not really doing nothing.

 

 

I work very hard during the week at my full-time job, plus I have other family responsibilities that I'm always trying to squeeze in here and there.  So when I find a day to watch a movie from beginning to end, I try to stop and enjoy it for the healing luxury that it is. 

 

Yesterday as I was surfing the channels I found a classic from 1966 that took me back to my younger days: Trouble With Angels starring Hayley Mills and June Harding as two troublemakers who are sent to an all girls convent school to get straightened out.  Rosalind Russell plays the Reverend Mother (the person in charge of the school and the convent) perfectly!  She never misses any of the girls tricks!

 

Here a short clip from Trouble With Angels:

 

 

 

As you can see it's worth it to watch the movie just to see the style of clothes and hair from the mid-1960's and laugh at the silly havoc that the girls spread through the school which these days will seem mild to most people.

 

Having gone to a Catholic elementary and high school, I find the movie to be hysterical and also I must say I identify with the girls always getting trouble because that was my experience with the restrictive but instructive structure of Catholic schools.  In hindsight, I see that I received an excellent education even if I wasn't always receptive to everything that was being taught to me and I admit there was something about being told that I had to do it the nuns' way that made me want to break their rules.

 

Not very smart I know, but I had a lot of fun and made a lot of great friends and have many hysterical memories of that time.

 

Just as Hayley Mills and June Harding find it hard to think of the nuns as women who had other lives before they donned their long black habits and veils so did I.  I look back on those days when my friends and I made it so hard for some of the nuns and I cringe.  

 

I think the movie glosses over what living in a convent is really like but that's okay because after all it's just a movie and it's supposed to be a comedy not a documentary.  I'm sure that in every convent there were nuns who were great friends, nuns that you felt deep respect for and nuns that drove you up the wall.

Just like the people you meet in real life right?

I hope you did something relaxing this weekend and that those good vibes follow you through this week!
 

The Quiet Gift

"Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other

is our attention [...]

a loving silence often has far more power

to heal and to connect

than most well-intentioned words."

 

            ~ Rachel Naomi Remen

 

 

Two True Friends

Knowing that I have at least one person in my corner, always supporting me as a true friend, makes life feel less scary and full of many more possibilities.

I can almost bear anything if I know my friends are holding my hands and understanding what I am trying to do and say.

Friends for life, friends until the very end, this is the unique gift that Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe gave to each other.

"Just Kids" is a beautifully, beautifully written memoir by Smith.  You may know of Patti Smith from her infamous Horses album and also from her magical poetry.  In "Just Kids," Smith's writing is intimate and she instantly makes you feel a part of her life.  She takes us back to her childhood when she first met Robert Mapplethorpe and then continues with their close friendship as young adults which then evolves into a romantic relationship and then goes back again to a friendship in the last years of Mapplethorpe's life.

Mapplethorpe became an infamous photographer who triggered a highly charged public dialogue in the 1970s and 1980's about the public funding of controversial works of art.  Mapplethorpe's stark black and white photographs included celebrities, flowers but it was his explicit photographs of nude men that caused a furor in the art world.

"Just Kids" is also about New York City in the late 1960's and 1970's when Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe were literally starving artists sleeping in parks and doorsteps and then living in the hip Chelsea Hotel, hanging out with Andy Warhol's entourage while Smith and Mapplethorpe experimented and developed their counterculture lifestyles and artistic talents.

 

I write about "Just Kids" not because of  the sensational nature of Mapplethorpe's photography but for the touching human story of their unusual friendship and for the kindness and constant support they each showed to the other during good times and bad. In particular, Smith's compassion to Mapplethorpe as he lay dying of AIDS is particularly poignant.

Thankfully, Smith comforts us in "Just Kids" by sharing a few pieces of her crystalline poetry.  Here is one of my favorites:

Wild Leaves

By Patti Smith

 

Wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

Every leaf a moment

A light upon the crown

That we'll all be wearing

In a time unbound

And Wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

 

Every word that's spoken

Every word decreed

Every spell that's broken

Every golden deed

All the parts we're playing

Binding as the reed

And wild leaves are falling

Wild wild leaves

 

The spirits that are mentioned

The myths that have been shorn

Everything we've been through

And the colors worn

Every chasm entered

Every story wound

And wild leaves are falling

Falling to the ground

 

As the campfire's burning

As the fire ignites

All the moments turning

In the stormy bright

Well enough the churning'

Well enough believe

The coming and the going

Wild wild leaves

 

Back to Kindergarten

My Dad is the kind of guy who is constantly ripping and cutting articles out of newspapers and magazines and mailing them to people he thinks will appreciate what he has found.  It drives my Mom crazy that he does this before she has even had a chance to read the paper or the magazine.  But after 60 years of marriage, my father continues to clip away in his own little world.

 

 

When I saw my Dad this past weekend for Father's Day, he had a column that he had recently cut from a newsletter and he handed it to me and said, "I know you think you're too old to be told anything, but I thought you would enjoy this column.  You've probably already read it but it's the kind of thing that everyone needs to be reminded about.  Just think about it."

I did think about it and my Dad was right.  This column below is a good basic reminder about how to navigate the ups and downs of that magical ride we call life.  For anyone who is sad, confused or frustrated about what is going on in their life right now, this column, which was written almost 25 years ago, may help you reset yourself and start again with a fresh outlook: 

 

All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

By Robert Fulghum

 

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.  These are the things I learned:

 

-- Share everything.

-- Play fair.

-- Don't hit people.

-- Clean up your own mess.

-- Don't take things that aren't yours.

-- Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.

-- Wash your hands before you eat.

-- Flush.

-- Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

-- Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some

-- Take a nap every afternoon.

-- When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

-- Be aware of wonder.  Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why but we are all like that.

-- Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even little seeds in the styrofoam cup--they all die.  So do we.

-- And remember the Dick-and-Jane boks and the first word you learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.

 

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and the love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

 

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it inoto sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm.  Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world -- had cookies and milk bout three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap.  Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

 

And it is still true -- no matter how old you are -- when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

 

 

 

Live and Let Live

 

 

Street Sense is a small newspaper which is sold on the streets of Washington, DC by men and women who are working their way out of being homeless.  Some, but not all of the people selling the newspaper, have been to rehabilitation for drugs or alcohol.

 

These are people working hard to develop resilience in themselves, to bounce back from hard times, and put themselves out there once again to start once again to rebuild their lives.  To me, they are all about the spirit of hope.

 

The Street Sense vendors are always friendly and easy to talk to.  They easily share their stories and are always optimistic.  And some of them also write for the paper.

 

In the paper's latest edition, the following short story inspired me about life and the nature of healing and I thought I would share it with you as we begin a new work week.  There's some wisdom in this story below for all of us.

 

 

Live and Let Live

By Phillip Black

Street Sense Vendor

 

When we live and let live, we learn so much from each other.  I've learned that when it comes to hard times and tough situations, most people seem to handle the presure.  And sometimes it makes our lives stronger.  Live and let live.

 

What I mean most about live and let live is that people live their lives, and most people don't understand why other people do the things we do.  You have to consider other people, because what you do or what I do doesn't make it right.  When we live, we must be the best we can be, so others will follow.

 

Two months ago, a good friend of mine's mom passed away.  I couldn't attend the funeral, but went to the repass.  What I saw was very surprising.  They were partying, dancing and laughing.  I asked hin, "What are you doing?  Didn't your mom pass away?"  He said, "Yes, but this is what she wanted."  She didn't want us to mourn her death.  She wanted us to celebrate it.  And that's just what they did.  Wow, live and let live.

 

I also know two people who were neighbors for years, and they would never say hello or speak to each other.  One day, when she saw that someone was breaking inot the other's house, she called the police.  The person was arrested, and everything was ok.  Now they're the best of friends.  It took something bad to happen for them to become friends.  Live and let live.

 

Living and watching other people live helps us.  The same person we don't speak to is the person that drives the school bus that takes our children to and from school.  Live and let live.

 

The same job my uncle wouldn't take, someone else did.  And now he's mad at that person for taking the job that he didn't want.  It took awhile for my uncle to come around.  So I said to him, some people learn faster than others.  You have to live and learn at your own pace.  That way you won't be upset when someone moves ahead of you.  Live and let live.

 

My sister gets upset with me because she said I don't come around anymore.  And so I told her, you're still selling drugs.  That's why I don't come around anymore.  My sister had a pretty rough time in her life.  She always surrounded herself with people who made bad choices.  But now, things are changing for her.  It's not going to happen overnight.  But it's a start.  Live and let live.

 

Understanding living is living.  And we have to live and let live.  And when we do this, our everyday lives will be so much better.  To all my friends on 11th and F streets, and my friends at Eastern Market, live and let live.

Life's Garden of Loved Ones

Two tropical storms have moved through the Washington, DC area recently and we are getting more than our usual dose of rain.  Not complaining because I like the rain.  It's good for our gardens and everything feels clean after a good downpour.

 

This summer I am trying to pay more attention to the plants in my yard which I guess I think of as my garden even though they are not all planted in one contained space.  I planted some lettuce, rosemary and basil along with geraniums and marigolds.  Watching things grow is hopeful!

 

As you wake-up and embrace today's events, here's a good thought about life's garden of loved ones:

Photo Courtesy of French Essence

"Let us be grateful to

people who make us happy;

they are the charming

gardeners who make our

souls blossom."

 

          ~ Marcel Proust, French Author

 

 

Slow Dance

I find this poem called Slow Dance to be nourishing for my soul.

It helps me reset and focus my energies and set out once again on this magical journey called life so that I can appreciate the beauty and blessing that are given to me.

Instead of powering through my days and nights, this poem reminds me to get out of the fast lane and slow down and really and truly focus on the wonder around me.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,

or listened to rain slapping the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,

or gazed at the sun fading into the night?

 

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,

time is short, the music won't last.

 

Do you run through each day on the fly,

when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?

 

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,

with the next hundred chores running through your head?

 

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,

time is short, the music won't last.

 

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,

and in your haste, not see his sorrow?

 

Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,

'cause you never had time to call and say hi?

 

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,

time is short, the music won't last.

 

When you run so fast to get somewhere,

you miss half the fun of getting there.

 

When you worry and hurry through your day,

it's like an unopened gift thrown away.

 

Life isn't a race, so take it slower,

hear the music before your song is over.

 

                               -- David L. Weatherford (www.davidweatherford.com)

A Friend's Good Bye Letter

Last week a childhood friend of my father's died.  They had known each other since they were in grade school and met each other while playing on the black top when they were about seven or eight years old.  They both went on to attend the same high school, playing basketball, and later both went into the insurance business working for different companies.

 

 

Over the years, they stayed in touch with each other as best they could.  They both worked very hard while trying to raise large Irish Catholic families.  My father and mother had six children and my Dad's friend and his wife had eight children.  Our families didn't really mix, not because we didn't want to, but more because the ages of the children were different we didn't live close to their neighborhood and there basically was just too much stuff going on to try and coordinate anything.

 

When you have known someone for as long as my Dad and his friend knew each other it is hard to let go.  My Dad knew that his friend was not well but didn't know how sick he was until he received the news of his friend's death.  One way to keep the person connected to you is write a letter to the person now deceased.  I don't think this is morbid.  In fact, I think it's very healthy.

 

The person who died is someone who had an important place in your life.  The person is physically gone but the friendship is still there.  Sharing memories -- whether it's through writing a letter or talking to others about this person -- is a healthy way to process your feelings of grief and to establish  to yourself that the friendship or perhaps love in other cases, is still there and will always be.

 

 

Now my Dad is writing a letter to his friend's widow and their adult children about his special friendship with this man and it is bringing back a lot of great memories for him which he hopes will also be a comfort in the days and years ahead as they and my Dad work through their loss.

 

Don't ever unestimate the importance of a note written from the heart.  After my husband died, I received cards from people who worked with my husband or were friends with him and some wrote notes to me about how they knew him and their experiences with him.  I saved those cards because those notes were like little pieces of a puzzle that was my husband.  Sometimes the stories caught me by surprise and other times I only knew the story from my husband's point of view and the handwritten note reveal a different side of him to me.

Let me be honest, sometimes the stories weren't always the best but either way, the notes were part of dealing honestly and openly with our feelings of grief and trying to find comfort in reaching out and sharing.
 

Forgiveness

Someone close to me is emotionally stuck on certain negative events that happened in her life decades ago.  She talks about them in great detail and tells others how she felt when these things happened to her.  Listening over and over again to her retelling of these events doesn't seem to help her move forward and get past what happened.

 

It's as though she has a list in her head and she mentally checks these things off every day to remind herself that someone did something wrong to her.  It is sad and frustrating to watch someone concentrate on the same past events and yet not be able to say good-bye to them.

 

Constantly being a part of this conversation is teaching me in a new way about being positive about life and truly forgiving.  Not just saying you're sorry or accepting someone else's apology because you are expected to, but really and truly getting it out of your system and meaning it.

 

 

 

 

Bad things, unfair things and nasty things do happen to us.  Unfortunately that's what happens in life.  But great things, positive things, happy things also happen to us.  It's up to us to either choose the negative or the positive and then go ahead and live our lives.

 

A friend explained it to me this way: if you decide to hold on to something that makes you angry or "wronged," then every day you have to find the negative energy within yourself to go over that event and how it felt and what you think should have happened instead of what did actually happen.

 

That's a lot of baggage to drag around.

 

Instead, forgiveness is something you practice once.  You look at what happened, realize we are all human and make mistakes, forgive and then let it go.  Really let it go.  And then move on.

 

A colleague at work has the following saying about forgiveness taped to her desk.  The author is unknown but every time I read it I stop and think about what it means and commit to bringing the spirit of forgiveness into my life.

Here's the saying:

"Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.

It is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you.

When you embrace forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy."

Peace!

That's What Friends Are For

 

 

 

 

This past weekend I met up with three of my best girlfriends to celebrate my recent birthday.

 

I have known these special women for decades and we have been through a lot with each other and for each other.  Birthdays, weddings, funerals, break-ups, new jobs, new houses, vacations -- we have been through it all! 

 

The beauty of being friends for a long time is that you don't have to explain everything.  One person can mention a certain situation or a person's name and we know right away what that means.  We know the things that make us laugh and the things that drive us crazy.

We always celebrate each other's birthdays and this time we went to a small French cafe in Georgetown for brunch.  It was misty and rainy outside and the inside of the restaurant was quiet and cozy.  No one was in a hurry and we settled in for a few hours and just enjoyed each other's company.

What a treat!!!!

Each one of my friends is a treasure and I love all of my girlfriends.  Real friends are made one at a time and sometimes through a shared activity.  I have some special friends I have gotten to know because our sons went to school together and I have other friends I have made through work and volunteering. They are the butter on my bread, the icing on my cupcakes.  They are the people that I cry, laugh and heal with.

All of them add that extra special something that makes me pause and say to myself, "I am lucky to know her and have her as a friend."

I find that my friends provide a layer of protection against life's setbacks and disasters.  I try to comfort and listen to their ups and downs as they do for me.  A true friend is a connection to life.

Friends care about what is going on in your life and with them you can always be yourself.  You can spill out your thoughts, even when they don't make any sense, and your friends take the time to figure it all out and make you feel that it's okay.  Or in my case, sometimes my friends put me back on the right track when I have lost my way....Thank goodness for that!!!!!

I need hugs and smiles and laughter.  I think we all do. 

When we isolate ourselves, we lose an essential connection to people and psychologists report that cutting yourself off from people can make you sick because you keep all of your feelings and thoughts locked inside and your body can't take it.  Your immune system can become compromised and other conditions such as heart disease can develop.

Thank you my special, extraordinary friends and my great readers for being there and for being your wonderful selves!!!

As the saying goes, you have to be a friend to have a friend!!!!
 

Happy New 2013!!

Happy New Year to you and yours!

I hope you are not feeling too hung over today from the fun you had last night and may your first day of the new year be a harmonious one.

My New Year's Eve last night was a low key one for me: an early dinner with family and then home to try and stay awake to watch the ball drop in New York's Times Square.  I ended up falling asleep on the family room couch way before midnight (no surprise there) but then woke up at midnight because the neighbors were setting off fireworks and yelling, "Happy New Year" out in the street.

 

I looked out the window and watched them and smiled.  I loved the spontaneity and the celebration!

 

A new year had started.  A new year spread before us, fresh with expectations and wishes and time that it is unwritten.

 

I took a deep breath and said a prayer that this would be a year of good health and healing.

 

For those of you who lost a spouse, a child, a relative, a partner, a friend or an acquaintance in 2012, may you move forward into the new year with a sense of resilience and may you bring your memories of your loved one with you.

 

Use those memories to give you strength and let them restore your broken heart.

 

Use those memories as a touchstone and let them remind you that your loved one would want you to return to living your life.  You will never ever forget them, just as I will never forget my husband who died.  Weep for them when you feel sad, but also laugh for them when you remember a funny thing they did or said. 

 

Talk about your loved one and reach out to others.  You may feel alone in your thoughts but you are not.  There is always someone who cares enough about you to sit quietly and listen as you seek to recover and restore your outlook on life.

 

It can be scary, for this healing process is exposing you to a different life, a life with new people, places and possibilities.  But remember you will always have your loved on with you and that person will always be in heart and in your memory.

 

To you my fantastic readers, I wish all of you good health, happiness, love and laughter in the new year and as 2013 unfolds, take your time to find new meaning and new purposes in your wonderful life.

 

Peace Always & Happy New Year!!!!!

 

May 2013 be all that you wish it be!!!

 

 

 

 

A Merry Christmas Message

Merry Christmas

Dear Readers,

May you and your loved ones have a very Merry Christmas!

The holiday season may remind you of a special person who is no longer with you just as I am reminded of my husband who died nine years ago.  Our lives have been forever changed and so have we. 

But there is always hope for a renewed future; a future that we can purposely rebuild so that we may move forward.  You are not alone.

 

We bring our loved ones with us as we slowly figure out our new lives and as we do, we find ourselves remembering them with the healing powers of smiles and tears.

 

Thank you for reading Cry, Laugh, Heal and may you find peace and happiness in your journey.

A State of Grace

Thought For The Day. . .

“I do not understand the mystery of grace --

only that it meets us where we are

and does not leave us where it found us.”

 

                                             - Anne Lamott

I'm Sorry

 

 

 

Apologizing strengthens friendships

 

I recently received a card in the mail and I recognized the handwriting right away so I knew before I opened the envelope who the card was from.

 

What I didn't know was why the card was being sent to me since it wasn't my birthday and I hadn't won the lottery so I knew it wasn't mailed to congratulate me on anything that had happened in my life.

 

I opened the card and read the handwritten words and was surprised and touched!  The card was an apology for something that had happened between us many years ago.

I think people underestimate the power of saying "I'm sorry."  They may only be two little words but they truly pack a punch when delivered with sincerity.  I never ever expected that I would receive an apology about our disagreement and so I eventually made peace with what happened and worked very hard to put it behind me.

 

Life is too short to hold on to negative feelings.  I'm not saying I was okay with it and everything was smoothed over within a week's time, but eventually I was able to move forward.  There was no point in holding on to bad feelings towards this person because I see this person a lot and I also knew that she didn't maliciously set out to hurt me.

 

We all make mistakes and mess up.  I know because I do it a lot.  We live in stressful times and we are all human and sometimes we don't use the best judgement.

 

Life is about happiness and hurts and friendship and love and also respecting each other's feelings.  That is why receiving this card was so wonderful! With this one card and it's beautiful sentiments, everything else fell away and a new chapter in our friendship started.

Keep it Simple -- John Wooden

I have no shame.  I look for inspiration any place I can get it.  This time I found it in a sports book.

A guy in my office had this book sitting on his desk titled, "Wooden."  Hmmm, I thought, this name sounds familiar but I couldn't place it.  I opened the book and started reading about Coach John Wooden and his historic UCLA basketball dynasty winning 10 NCAA championships in 12 years, including 88 straight games.

I sortof remember hearing my Dad talk about John Wooden and as I paged through the book I realized this is a guy who definitely knows something about motivation, so I decided to find out more about John Wooden and how he was able to get all these big guys to listen to him and win so many games.

John Wooden, who was 99 when he died in 2010, was raised on a small farm in south-central Indiana and he says in the book that the lessons he learned from his parents served him extremely well on and off the basketball court.  His priorities were steadfast: family, faith and friends.

John Wooden's book is now a go-to source of strength for me.  Yes, he was a basketball coach and many of his thoughts are directed to male athletes, but I still draw from the essence of what he is saying.  He is definitely an old school straight shooter but that's not easy to find these days and you can't argue with the results of his philosophy. 

Here is one of my favorites in a book that is chock full of John Wooden's wise observations about life.  I find this one in particular helps me keep things in perspective and move forward when I find that I am dealing with a particularly stressful situation:

Make Each Day Your Masterpiece

When I was teaching basketball, I urged my players to try their hardest to improve on that very day, to make that practice a masterpiece.

Too often we get distracted by what is outside our control.  You can't do anything about yesterday.  The door to the past has been shut and the key thrown away.  You can do nothing about tomorrow.  It is yet to come.  However, tomorrow is in large part determined by what you do today.  So make today a masterpiece.  You have control over that.

This rule is even more important in life than basketball.  You have to apply yourself each day to become a little better.  By applying yourself to the task of becoming a little better each and every day over a period of time, you will become a lot better.  Only then will you be able to approach being the best you can be.  It begins by trying to make every day count and knowing you can never make up for a lost day.

If a player appeared to be taking it easy in practice, I told him, "Don't think you can make up for it by working twice as hard tomorrow.  If you have it within your power to work twice as hard, why aren't you doing it now?"

If you sincerely try to do your best to make each day a masterpiece, angels can do no better. 

The Anti-Cancer Zone

To my family members and friends who are waging the battle of their lives!  You will understand this list of things that cancer cannot do sooooooo much better than we who support you always yet we are not cancer patients.  I say thanks to www.thesilverpen.com for putting together this list of positive affirmations!!

While your battle with cancer may sometimes be lonely, we love you very much and want to help you in your courageous fight to go into remission: 

Something To Think About

In the midst of your grieving, be patient with yourself and others

and

do something kind for yourself each day.

Be sure to ask for help when you need it.

You are loved!

Author Jeffrey Zaslow

Please read this story about author Jeffrey Zaslow that recently ran in the New York Times.  What an interesting and inspiring man!  He sounds like he had an incredible gift for living in the moment.

February 13, 2012, 5:37 pm

Life’s Frailty, and the Gestures That Go a Long Way

By TARA PARKER-POPE

   



Jeffrey Zaslow by Eden Zaslow



FATHER FIRST Much of Jeffrey Zaslow’s writing centered on the theme of love.

Several years ago, my friend Jeffrey Zaslow sent me a chapter from a book he was writing about lifelong friendships among a group of women from Ames, Iowa. It was a powerful story about love and loss that moved me to tears.

With the draft pages still in my hands, I sat down with my daughter, a second-grader at the time, to talk about the importance of friendship. We talked about her girlfriends, why occasional fights didn’t matter and why she should always treasure her friends. It was a sweet moment, and I was grateful to Jeff for inspiring the conversation through his writing.

Later, I called him to tell him how much that single chapter had meant to my daughter and me. How, I asked him, had he managed to inject himself into this circle of women he had only recently met and so accurately depict the power of female friendship?

“I have a wife and three daughters,” he said, laughing, without missing a beat. “I’m quite comfortable being outnumbered by women.”

I thought about our conversation this weekend when I learned the terrible news that Jeff had died in a car accident on snowy roads on his way to his Detroit-area home, returning from a book-signing event in northern Michigan. “The Girls From Ames” became a best seller, and remains my favorite among the books he wrote. But many people know Jeff as co-author of “The Last Lecture,” with the Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch, who delivered that now famous lecture after learning he had pancreatic cancer.

Mr. Zaslow was also co-author of memoirs with Gabrielle Giffords, the congresswoman from Arizona who was recovering from a gunshot wound to the head, and Chesley B. Sullenberger III, the pilot who safely ditched a damaged airliner on the Hudson River in 2009. Despite the disparate subject matter, Mr. Zaslow noted that much of his writing centered on the theme of love, commitment and living in the moment.

“We don’t know what moment in our lives we’re going to be judged on; that’s true for all of us,” he said at a TED talk last year, explaining what he had learned from Captain Sullenberger. “We’ve got to be honorable, be moral; we’ve got to work our hardest.”

Despite his success as a memoir co-author, Jeff’s true labor of love was his latest book, “The Magic Room: A Story About the Love We Wish for Our Daughters.” Dedicated to his daughters, the book focused on a bridal shop in Fowler, Mich., as a way to tell a story of parents’ hopes and dreams.

Mr. Zaslow’s role as a father was a common theme in his work, one he loved to talk about. Once when a boy canceled plans to take his daughter to a homecoming dance, Mr. Zaslow said he thought to himself, “What can I do for my sad daughter?” He decided to embarrass the boy in front of millions by writing a Wall Street Journal column about the lessons parents should be teaching their sons.

“The lesson of the story — and of that night — is to teach your sons to be chivalrous, and your daughters not to take it,” he said in a 2009 interview. “My daughter was not thrilled. And the boy was not thrilled. But you know what? The next time you want to take my daughter to the dance, follow through.”

Jeff often said he honed his skills for listening and offering advice during a stint as an advice columnist, a role he won in a contest to replace Ann Landers. During his many public talks, Jeff told the story of a favorite letter from a man who wanted his girlfriend, Julie, to undergo breast augmentation.

“Julie deserves someone who loves her for who she is, not how she looks in a sweater,” Jeff wrote in his reply. “If you can’t do that for her, she won’t need implants anyway because she will already have a big boob in her life. You.”

In every conversation I had with Jeff and in much of his writing, he talked about how much he had learned about the frailty of life and the importance of never leaving important words unsaid.

At his TED talk last November, Jeff told the audience about a column of his that focused on the words “I love you.” It appeared two days before Valentine’s Day in 2004, and led with the story of a judge in Maywood, Ill., who often told his children that he loved them. One day in 1995, as his 18-year-old daughter was leaving the house, the judge called out to his daughter. “Kristin, remember I love you,” he said.

“I love you too, Dad,” the girl replied. That day, Kristin was killed in a car accident. It was a story that resonated with Jeff, and one he took to heart, always saying “I love you” to his wife and daughters before saying goodbye or hanging up the phone.

“All of us should say ‘I love you’ to the people we care about,” Jeff said. “We should do it because you never know. I got about 1,000 e-mails from readers saying they were going to tell their children they loved them.

“What I like about my job is sometimes I’m just writing about the obvious. By doing that, you can touch a lot of people and tell them things that will change their lives, even if it’s something simple.”

Listening Can Be Powerful

Every day I try to maintain a positive attitude about life.  I remind myself that I am blessed for having family, friends, a home, a job and good health.  I tell myself that this day is unique and I have an opportunity to do something I didn't get to do yesterday.  But it is still an anxious world we live in these days and we need to be aware of its' toll on others.

I am certain that God has a plan for all of us.  I am sure there are people out there who don't believe in God or any kind of higher being but that's not me.  I truly believe that God watches over us and I try my best to be good and stay on the straight and narrow.  Of course staying on the straight and narrow would be a million times easier if I could learn to keep my big mouth shut.  But that's another post.....

So instead of talking, I am working on listening.  I am learning that listening is a very valuable skill.  I think lots of people, myself included, carry around varying degrees of emotional and financial baggage and they're not sure what it all means and how it's going to turn out.  I'm not sure what God's plan is for us right now but in the past week, I think God's plan has been unsettling.  Last week, a male friend a few years older than me died suddenly, I found out today that a mother I know committed suicide and over the weekend I went to visit a family friend who just entered hospice care.

Comparing notes with a long-time friend about this, she said she knew what I meant because there are many of her friends right now who started taking medicine for anxiety or depression and doing all they can to keep it together during these tenuous times.

Life is fragile and that is all the more reason to hold on dearly to the people who matter most to you.  Whether those people are family, friends or both family and friends, life can switch gears very quickly.  I don't know whether these things are happening more often because I have reached a certain age in life or because the economy is causing people's anxiety levels to spike.  Maybe it's a combination of both things but I am aware that there is a different vibe out there now and it's not to be ignored.

Listening is a powerful tool.  I recently read that when you listen to people, really listen and not anticipate what they are going to say next, that sometimes they can hear the truth in what they are speaking, sometimes for the very first time.  When you listen you create space for someone to fill with their words, their thoughts.  When you are quiet you give the other person time to assess or process what is happening to them.

Listening is a gift.  Try it and see what happens.

Laughing Matters

Friends Can Be Life Savers

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter -- e.e. cummings

A few months ago on a Sunday afternoon, one of my friends and I met up for lunch at a neighborhood place that is casual and comfortable or as we say, the restaurant was "cheap and cheerful.".  We both can be major league talkers but we both also understand the importance of listening so it's not as though we are always talking over each other.  A lot of serious things were happening to both of us and we needed to commiserate.

The neighborhood deli we picked has good basic salads and sandwiches and by meeting there on a Sunday, we thought it would be quiet place to hang out and talk.  Our food had been picked up and we found a table that was out of the way.  We had arrived for a major talkfest and couldn't wait to get started.

We were primed for discussion and instantly started talking about parenting issues, her husband, my lack of one, politics, our volunteer work and other things in our lives that we are passionate about.  I liken this kind of talking to something close to a mental exercise where you take a problem apart, analyze it and then try to find a solution to it.  It's somewhat similiar to untangling a piece of string.  You constantly examine the problem because you need to continuously look at it from different angles before you can figure out how to get the knot undone.

We were yakking away and eating.  At some point, we had noticed that another woman had come in by herself and was eating her lunch a few tables away.  She seemed oblivious to us and was reading a book while eating her sandwich.  I can't even remember what we were talking about but suddenly the woman burped REALLY LOUD. 

Okay, no one burps like that woman burped in public; especially in a small place where everyone knows who the burpee is.  This was like a guy's burp; really deep and loud.  It could have been an accident but who cares.  My friend and I stopped talking and stared at each other.  It was almost as though we weren't sure we had both heard what we know we heard.  We looked over at the woman to see if she was going to excuse herself or at least say something.  She kept reading her book as though nothing happened.  It was as though she was at home and no one else existed.

And then she burped REALLY LOUD again.

This time we started laughing so hard we couldn't even talk.  Every time we looked over at her we started laughing again because she didn't care, wasn't embarrassed and was perfectly happy to keep on burping.  I think it was the combination of this woman's lack of concern mixed with the fact that we knew we shouldn't laugh at her but that made us laugh even more.  I swear we couldn't eat or finish a sentence for a good 10 minutes.  It reminded me of when you see something funny in church and you want to laugh but you know you shouldn't and that makes whatever happened even funnier.

Everyone should have a friend that shares the same sense of humor because laughing together lightens your outlook on life and gives you a reason to believe that things will actually be okay.  I find that the more I think about all the problems I have as a single parent, the more stressed out I get.  Spending time with a trusted friend, sharing your innermost fears, your sadness over the loss of a loved one or bitterness about a work problem is priceless. 

Friendship is a wonderful gift.  Having good friends takes the sting out of the bad times and gives more sparkle to the good times.  Laughing and enjoying yourself doesn't mean we have forgotten the loved ones we have lost.  It just means that our broken hearts are beginning to mend.