Billy Crystal -- Did You Hear The One About The Dentist?

The dentist.  Oy Vay!

I went to the dentist yesterday morning for a teeth cleaning and I'm soooo glad it's over.  My dentist is a really nice guy and tries to make it as painless as possible but I really hate going.  I try to do all the things you're supposed to do to take care of your teeth but in the end, it's just so boring.  A dentist visit may be healing but there was definitely no laughing or crying going on during my appointment.

Just relief!

I think it's a bit of a carryover from having many teeth extracted and then wearing braces as a child.  Don't get me wrong, I know dentists are important, for they can detect signs and symptoms of lots of different conditions such diabetes and heart disease. 

Still, compared to doctors, dentists don't get much respect.  And the always funny, brilliant comedian Billy Crystal, in this comical ode to dentists below, tells us how he handles a dental appointment . . .

Drilling for Laughs: Billy Crystal Goes to the Dentist
Published in November 2013 Reader's Digest
             

Robert Sebree

I shouldn’t complain so much. Life at 65 is good. I have had one house, one wife, my real nose, my real name, and most of my teeth. And the last part is a major reason why life is pretty good. Because when you hit your mid-60s, you have to take care of your teeth. It’s a generational thing—I learned it from my 86-year-old grandmother.

 

Susie Gabler had perfect teeth. White beauties with no cavities. She took great care of them—always kept them by her bedside in a glass of water. The first time I saw them come out of her mouth, she was in bed, and I was sitting next to her. In the middle of saying how proud she was of me, she suddenly reached into her mouth and pulled out her entire set of uppers and lowers. Splash, into the glass of water they went, and suddenly my beloved grandma looked like an 86-year-old hockey player.

 

“Take care of your teeth, Billy. Take care of your teeth.” I think that’s what she said, because with her lips flapping in the breeze, she could have said, “Pass me the marble cake.” I was shocked—and slightly nauseous. It was a terrible thing for a grandson to see, even though I was 32 years old.

 

She lost her teeth because she never went to the dentist. Mainly because the Cossacks had killed him. None of my grandparents had good teeth. Sometimes when my grandfather was eating the Thanksgiving brisket, his dentures would be hurting so much he’d remove them at the table, keep them in his hand, and manually chew the rubbery meat until it was ground down enough to swallow. While we all watched in horror, he’d take the “chewed” meat, dip it in horseradish, put it in his mouth, and swallow it with a great sigh of satisfaction. He’d then say something inaudible, and Grandma would reply, “Don’t talk with your hand full.”

 

Take care of your teeth! It’s why we baby boomers should floss, it’s why we should brush, and it’s why we should go to the dentist, because we know dentists are important people, even though they weren’t smart enough to get into medical school. It’s sad; dentists don’t get the respect they deserve. You never hear, “Is there a dentist in the house?”

 

You would think that taking care of our teeth in 2013 would be easier than it was in 1963, but it’s not, and that’s because the whole dental experience has changed. Back then, a dentist was a one-man show. He would clean your teeth, show you how to brush, do bridges, take X-rays, pull teeth, fill cavities, drill root canals, make appointments, validate parking, and rub your leg when he thought you were under anesthesia. The only specialist in 1963 was the orthodontist, who thought his job was to ruin your puberty. Now it’s all about the specialists.

 

When I turned 65, I decided to celebrate by making an appointment for my cleaning. I showed up on time and read the Sports Illustrated from 2010 until the maître d’ (it’s L.A., don’t ask) escorted me to my examining room.

 

I’m lucky. I go to a very prominent dentist. My dentist is the fifth guy. You know when they say, “Four out of five dentists prefer” whatever it is they prefer? Mine’s the one who doesn’t. When people find out he’s the fifth guy, they go crazy. “He’s the fifth guy? What’s he like? You gotta get me an appointment!”

 

When the dentist came in, he asked if I’d been flossing, and, like we all do, I lied. Then he pulled a chunk of lobster meat from between my molars. As the jazz trio played him off and he left the room, the parade of specialists began.

 

First it was the cleaning expert—the hygienist. She came in looking like one of the riot police in South Korea. On some people, a large Plexiglas face mask isn’t flattering. You can’t imagine the noise the tool made as she chiseled that stuff off my bottom teeth. I don’t have tartar; I have coral. That’s why dentists’ offices always have fish tanks. You could sculpt Michelangelo’s “David” out of my plaque.

 

Next came the X-ray technician, because God forbid the hygienist should have to do two things. The technician put a heavy lead blanket over my goodie basket and sprinted out of the room. That’s comforting. I figure with 60-plus years of X-rays, my family jewels have been covered with more lead than a kid’s toy from China.

 

Then the dentist came back in after looking at the X-rays, meaning that he would be charging me for a second visit. He said, “Billy, you need a root canal.”

 

“Now?”

 

“Oh, I don’t do them—you’ve got to see Dr. Jack Wu for that. He can see you in about three weeks.”

As soon as he’d said that I needed the root canal, my tooth started to hurt. “Three weeks of this kind of pain?” I asked.

 

“No, not this kind of pain—tomorrow you’ll have a worse kind of pain. I’ll give you these pills I got in Mexico. They may constipate you, and if they do, call Dr. Ari Weitzman.”

 

“How about my wisdom teeth?”

 

“Right now, they’re fine, but if you want them extracted, Dr. Abrams does uppers, and Dr. Hunter does lowers.”

 

“So what exactly do you do?” I asked.

 

“Oh, I do fillings and crowns and sit by the pool you paid for.”

 

I currently have six dental specialists. My dentist farms out everything. I’m looking at the pictures on his desk, and I say, “Are those your kids?”

 

He says, “Technically no, I didn’t handle that. I sent my wife to Dr. Feldman.” 

Family On Air Force Two

Black Friday for me was all about family. 

 

I have a cousin who is a major in the US Air Force and he and his wonderful family are stationed at Andrews Air Force Base which is about a 45-minute drive from my house.  He invited family members to come to Andrews yesterday and he conducted a special tour for us of Air Force Two and a number of other VIP jet planes.

 

We had three generations of family with us and we spent a different kind of day together, hanging out, catching up and learning something new about our cousin's important job flying jets for Vice President Joe Biden and other government officials and also never missing a chance to ham it in front of our cameras and pretend we too were VIPs.

Love, respect and making fun.  Isn't that what family does best?

Me With Family Members Posing By Air Force Two

Me on Air Force Two Pretending to Conduct Business


 

Compassionate Care

I write about the subject of hospice care today because November is National Hospice Care month.  I don't usually pay attention to the themes of specific months but in this case I saw a tweet about it and wanted to draw attention to the incredible people who do this important work.

I have the greatest respect for the people who do hospice work.  The time and endless amounts of energy poured into this work of providing compassionate care to those diagnosed as terminally ill is critical to the patient and the families trying to do their best as a loved one reaches the end of their life. 

Each year in the United States, more than 1.58 million people with a life-limiting illness receives care from hospice care givers, according to a report by the National Hospice & Palliative Care Organization.  Most hospice care is given at home, allowing people to be surrounded by their friends and family in the last stages of their life.

 

I was told by my husband's doctors that the best time to learn about hospice care is before you need it.  No one really knows when and if that time will come but it is wise to prepare.  As hard as it is to think about the possibility of using hospice services, hospice care organizations have decades of experience and are invaluable to family members who need a break from the physically and emotionally exhausting work of trying to do all of the caregiving by themselves.

My husband did not need hospice at the end of his life but just in case it became necessary to have hospice come to the house to help me, I met with a one of their nurses.  She was very calm and reassuring about what happens when hospice becomes involved with your loved one.  She emphasized to me that hospice care is not about giving up; it is more of a focus on comfort and care and respect.  It gave me strength to know that hospice would be there should I ever need it.

 

For myself, I find it hard to imagine doing this work if you don't know the person who is ill.  Taking care of someone when you don't know them and know that they aren't going to get better requires an immeasurable amount of faith, inner peace and compassion.  This is only a few of the reasons why the people who do hospice care are so special.  They embrace the patient and their family and are honored to take care of your loved one and to try to enhance the quality of their life in the time they have remaining.

 

Ladies Home Journal recently ran an inspiring story called,  "It Doesn't Have To Be Sad: The Life of A Hospice Nurse."  It is a revealing story from a nurse's perspective about being with terminally ill patients and what it feels like to help dying patients through their final days.  Here is the link:

 

http://www.lhj.com/community/your-stories/hospice-nurse/?page=1
 

Can You Hear Me Now?

It's one thing to forget to turn your cell phone off and then have it ring while you are in church, in a job interview, at a funeral or in a theater, but it takes some major manipulation of a person's ego to actually answer it while they are in those places.

 

Right?

 

Someone I didn't know sat next to me during a play and her cell phone started ringing.  I immediately looked at her and she started searching her purse to find the phone.  I assumed that once she found it, she would just turn it off.  Wrong!! She actually answered it and started whispering that she couldn't talk because she was at a theater performance.

 

Say what??!!

 

 

Forgetting to turn off my cell phone has only happened to me once and the embarrassment was enough so that I always check to make sure my phone is off when it should be.  I was in a large meeting some years ago with an executive of the company I worked for at that time and my cellphone started ringing.  I truly had forgotten to turn it to silent. I quickly put my hand in my purse and turned it off.  Luckily I caught it after the first ring!

 

But yesterday I read a story that tops everything.  Caleb Wilde, a young funeral director, posted on his blog, Confessions of a Funeral Director (www.calebwilde.com), that a colleague who is also a funeral director told him about a funeral service where the pastor's cell phone unbelievably began to ring in the church while the pastor was addressing those gathered to pay their respects.  I don't even want to think about the possible songs this pastor might have used as a ringtone. 

 

As if the ringing wasn't bad enough, the pastor then actually answered his cell phone while the service stopped and he then went on to confirm a time for a golf appointment in front of the whole congregation. Then he went on with the funeral service as though his actions on the cell phone were perfectly normal and within the bounds of good etiquette.

 

Not!!

 

How hard is it to turn off a cellphone or put the cell phone on vibrate during a funeral or anywhere else where you should not be talking?  I'm sure that the pastor probably received a few well chosen words from the family of the deceased after that church service. 

Has anything similar happened to you?  I would be interested in hearing about your experiences with cell phones ringing in places that surprised you.

Love On A Two Way Street

I went to Trader Joe's after work the other evening to pick up some up their fabulous pita chips and instead gained some insight into a different part of life in DC: being a homeless vendor.

 

Near the entrance of the store stood a man, who introduced himself to me as David.  He was selling newspapers called Street Sense which I have previously written about.   This vendor was middle-aged and friendly but not in an aggressive way.  He was just talking to people and smiling, letting them know that his newspaper was for sale and that he was a writer.

 

As I grabbed a cart for shopping, I started chatting with him about his writing.  I don't usually talk for very long to people I don't know, but there was something engaging about him.  No one knows for sure why another person is at a particular place in life so I thought I would listen a bit to his story.

He told me that his name was David Denny and that he had written a poem that was published in the issue of Street Sense that I just bought.  As I opened the paper to find it, he began to recite it to me as though I was the only person on the block.  I know this sounds weird but it wasn't.  Trust me.  I read the poem and listened to him as he called up all of the quiet emotion that went into the writing of his precious poem called "Love."

 

 

 

 

Until David started working for the newspaper, Street Sense, he had been caught up in the cycle of being homeless and taking drugs for about 10 years.  Getting a job at Street Sense helped him get clean and he has been drug free for a number of years.  Street Sense is published twice a month, David said, and his job with the paper saved his life, giving him a purpose and making him feel as though he belongs to something much bigger than himself.  He said he loved selling newspapers on the street and talking to people about everything from football to politics.

Life is a two way street full of opportunities to give and to take.  Instead of just walking by and going about my business, I stopped and reached out to another person trying to make it in this world just like me.  My conversation with David took about 10 minutes but for me it was 10 minutes of briefly stopping my usual routine, getting out of myself and wondering what I would do with my life if I lost my job or I was addicted to drugs or I had to live on the street.  David showed me another side of resilience.

Right now people are feeling frazzled in DC as the government goes into its 15th day of being shutdown.  Taking some time to show another person some respect or even some compassion is why we are here.  Here is David's beautiful poem:

 

Love

By David Denny, Vendor

 

It dwarfs all of the galaxies

Shines brighter than stars above

Its breadth surpasses the oceans and rivals the flight of the dove

It's the answer to all of my questions

The song angels sing

It's the mission of every cherub

And the wafting grace of each wing

It's a mixture of bliss and happiness

Added with joy from above

Stirred in with truth and affection

That makes up this  thing called love.

 

50th Anniversary of March on Washington

"Our goal was not to gain power.  It was to heal a torn-up community."

 

~ Diane Judith Nash, a civil rights leader

 

Marching for your human rights and dignity is healing.  It is an act of restoring faith in yourself and your community. 

Marching is also rewarding for the human spirit and good for the human soul.  Standing up for your rights confirms for you that you are not alone in your feelings; that others share your thoughts and emotions.

Peacefully marching, holding protest signs and delivering passionate speeches gives rise to feelings of respect for those who are declaring, "We will not take it any more."

 

When people feel the continued effects of economic and political oppression, eventually they will push back against those efforts, and that is what happened 50 years ago today when over 250,000 people, black and white, from civil rights, labor and religious groups marched to steps of the Lincoln Memorial in the nation's capital to end racism in America.

 

The highlight of The March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom was the "I Have A Dream" speech, a historic and inspirational speech delivered by American clergyman and civil rights activist, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. His stirring and passionate remarks were a defining moment for the civil rights movement and will be remembered for all time.  

 

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Photo Courtesy of thesoundsofhistory.com

The March on Washington is credited with helping to pass two groundbreaking pieces of legislation: the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

 

Today in the nation's capital, President Barack Obama, will deliver remarks about the state of racial harmony America in the same place where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke.  Joining Obama will also be Presidents Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter who will also address the expected thousands of marchers who stand  and remain committed to continuing to realize the dream of a Black America that is economically and racially equal.

 

Let us pause and remember the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr:

 

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today."

A Dose of Kindness

Visiting people who are sick is one of the kindest acts we can ever practice.  Sitting and talking, holding their hand and listening seem so simple to the healthy but those things are so essential in helping the ill know that they matter, that they are not forgotten even though they are no longer able to independently move around.

 

Bringing about a smile or laughter through a funny story is just as important as any medicine prescribed by a doctor.  Laughter, in particular, is a powerful distraction from pain and illness.

 

One of my sisters and her husband are compassionately taking care of his elderly parents.  Both parents have been diagnosed with advanced stages of cancer and my sister and her husband are trying to make this time with them as comfortable as possible.

 

My sister's in-laws live in the same retirement community as our parents and while visiting with our parents this past weekend, my sister said it would be great if I could also stop by and also see her in-laws.  I did pop by for a visit with only her mother-in-law because her father-in-law was resting.  But the time spent catching up with her mother-in-law was unexpectedly funny.

 

I must admit I was a little anxious about visiting her mother-in-law because I didn't know if she was in a lot of pain or if she was even aware of her surroundings but she surprised me.

 

But during my visit I found a talented woman who had raised three children and was diagnosed with advanced cancer less than a year ago sitting in her family room making jokes about herself and her children, talking in an accent to make some of her stories more amusing and thoroughly enjoying herself.  It was wonderful to see that she still wanted to know what was going on in everyone's lives and having such a positive attitude about life.

 

While we watched the Ryder Cup on television and she made comments about the golfers, there was no negativity about her or her husband's medical situation.  She was living the moment and enjoying her time with the people around her.

 

I know that she is not always in such great spirits or health as she was during my visit but she takes advantage of when she feels good.  It can be difficult to see people when they are ill and it may be something we would rather not do but if we were ill wouldn't we want people to come and socialize with us? Wouldn't we want people to care about us?

 

The visit reminded me that even though I may feel awkward around someone who is ill it shouldn't stop me from trying to comfort someone else.  Life is about giving of yourself and lending a helping hand.
 

What Would Nana Do?

When life hands me a difficult situation, I think about my Nana and wonder how she would have handled it.

My Nana gives me strength and inspiration because she lived a good and simple life. She and my Pop-Pop raised five children (including my mother) during the Depression on as much as $58 a week and for awhile on nothing because my grandfather lost his job.  During the time that there was no paycheck, they lived on canned goods that a relative got for free and and managed to keep their house and continue to feed and clothe their children. There was no extra money for luxuries such as eating out and there was no whining or complaining about the lack of extra things in their life.

You were lucky to have what you had and you were thankful for it.  That attitude put life into perspective.  The Depression brought about a lot of humility and respect and everyone helped each other.

 

Nana would always say to her 40 grandchildren that it was important to remember that it doesn't matter how much you have or what you have but you should take care of it and it should be clean.

She was really big on things being clean.  I'm not sure what she would think about the containers of wipes that people buy these days in the grocery store and use for babies and for cleaning.  She probably would think it was a waste of money and would rather use a cloth rag and soap.

 

When we went to visit Nana, she would greet us at the front door with a wet wash cloth and wipe each of our hands before we came into her house. She would hold our hands, smile at us and giggle a bit while saying, "Sticky fingers. Sticky fingers." I never thought twice about her doing this funny routine. It was just her.

 

She was an unusual woman and we all respected her so much!  I recently received these modern beatitudes from a friend and thought that some of them were close to something Nana would say:

Happy are those who know how to laugh at themselves, they will never run out of amusement.

Happy are those who know how to distinguish between a mountain and a mole hill, they will be spared much trouble.

Happy are those who can be silent and who can listen, they shall learn many new things.

Happy are those who know how to take little things and serious things peacefully, they will go far in life.

Happy are those who can admire a smile and ignore a frown, they will travel in sunshine.

Happy are those who think before acting and who pray before thinking, they will avoid much foolishness.

I'm Sorry

 

 

 

Apologizing strengthens friendships

 

I recently received a card in the mail and I recognized the handwriting right away so I knew before I opened the envelope who the card was from.

 

What I didn't know was why the card was being sent to me since it wasn't my birthday and I hadn't won the lottery so I knew it wasn't mailed to congratulate me on anything that had happened in my life.

 

I opened the card and read the handwritten words and was surprised and touched!  The card was an apology for something that had happened between us many years ago.

I think people underestimate the power of saying "I'm sorry."  They may only be two little words but they truly pack a punch when delivered with sincerity.  I never ever expected that I would receive an apology about our disagreement and so I eventually made peace with what happened and worked very hard to put it behind me.

 

Life is too short to hold on to negative feelings.  I'm not saying I was okay with it and everything was smoothed over within a week's time, but eventually I was able to move forward.  There was no point in holding on to bad feelings towards this person because I see this person a lot and I also knew that she didn't maliciously set out to hurt me.

 

We all make mistakes and mess up.  I know because I do it a lot.  We live in stressful times and we are all human and sometimes we don't use the best judgement.

 

Life is about happiness and hurts and friendship and love and also respecting each other's feelings.  That is why receiving this card was so wonderful! With this one card and it's beautiful sentiments, everything else fell away and a new chapter in our friendship started.