In Honor Of The Oscars

In honor of the Oscars last night, I'd like to give out a personal award.

Last night's Academy Awards speeches seemed to me to be particularly emotional, expressing the gratitude of recognition, the fulfillment of dreams and deep thanks for the years of incredible support that people received while working on their ground breaking film projects. 

It brought to mind for me the role that others play in our lives during difficult times and reminded me that support groups around the country are on the front lines of our communities, doing the nitty gritty, down and dirty and painful work of helping us put one foot in front of another as we learn to live with the unexpected challenges that life has brings us.

 

In my case, I'd like to give out a personal award, The Best  Support Group award to Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) located at Sibley Hospital in Washington, DC.  The people at Sibley who run this incredible program are the unsung heros of bereavement work and I'd like to draw the curtains aside a bit to reveal that grief support groups are not strange secretive gatherings of people who wallow in their sorrow and loss.

 

Best Support Group Award

No indeed.  They are groups of compassionate people dealing honestly and directly with the confusion that grief brings.  I spent almost two years as a participating member of the WPO support group and then after leaving the support group I spent many years later as a volunteer trying to give back the unconditional support WPO gave to me.

I learned a tremendous amount from the other widowed members of the group and also the amazing people who ran the group while I was there.  One person I would like to give a shout out to is Julie Potter, a calm and patient woman with so much insight that she reminds me of  a wise Buddha.  WPO taught me how to slowly gather the shattered pieces of myself and figure out how to best to put them back together in a way that gave me worked for me.  The group gave me the strength to help myself and my grieving young son.   

 

Whether it's alcoholism, gambling, overeating, drug addiction or grief, I believe that others who are traveling the same unpredictable path as ourselves can often offer the greatest amount of inspiration.

It may seem slow and incredibly painful but I found that when you sit and share your story with others facing the same issues, there is a sense of relief that you have finally found people who understand the depth of what you are feeling and how hard it is to handle.  In searching for a way to begin healing, support groups offer a safety zone because you find you are not alone in your emotional turmoil. 

 

Many people are uncomfortable with the emotional pain of grief.  As a result, family and friends are sometimes unsure of what to say or how to be helpful.  Support groups are the places where we can let it all hang out, revealing the thoughts and feeling we might not want to tell others because they might not get what we are really telling them.

 

You deserve to talk through your feelings and get them off your chest.  It's all part of starting a healing process.  By letting your emotions come to the surface and then working through them, you acknowledge and face your changed life and find others who are also dealing with the same sorts of issues.

 

Each grief may be individual but you shouldn't feel that you have to handle it all by yourself.  Support groups can be a crucial first step when you find yourself unsure of how to deal with a personal crisis.

Living Through Personal Crisis -- Register Now for Oct. 19 Conference

There is still time to sign up for this conference if you or anyone else you know is interested:

Sibley Hospital's Widowed Person's Outreach is sponsoring a conference on Living Through Personal Crisis on Wednesday, October 19, 2011.

Bestselling author Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns brings a powerful message to those dealing with the pain of a loss. With her inspirational insight and helpful healing strategies, you'll discover how you can move beyond the harsh and painful events that have occurred, grow stronger and still live a fulfilling life.

When a loved one dies, a marriage or important relationship ends, a financial or health crisis occurs, or even a dream is shattered, you still have a choice in how to live, says Dr. Stearns. Through her study of people who have successfully rebuilt their lives after a significant loss, she gained insights into resilience. Dr. Stearns has shared the findings of her research in more than 200 nationwide radio and TV interviews, presentations, and workshops. Her inspirational guidance and helpful healing strategies will help you discover how you, too, can move beyond harsh and painful events, grow stronger, and still live a fulfilling life.

Dr Ann Kaiser Stearns is a graduate of Oklahoma City University (B.A.), Duke University (M.Div.), and the Union Institute (Ph.D.). She is a professor of psychology at the Community College of Baltimore County and an adjunct professor in the Police Executive Leadership Program at the Johns Hopkins University. The mother of two daughters, she lives with her family in Maryland.

For more information about Dr. Stearns visit her website, www.AnnKaiserStearns.com. The latest edition of her book, Living through Personal Crisis, will be for sale at the event. She is also the author of Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives after Crisis and Loss and Living through Job Loss.

Register now to ensure your place: Seating is limited. Cost is $35.00 and includes lunch.

Place:  Kenwood Country Club

              5601 River Road
              Bethesda, MD 20816

Schedule:   9:45 am - Registration and Coffee or Tea
                      10:15 am - 12:00 noon - Keynote Address
                      12:00 noon - Book signing and Break
                      12:30 pm - Lunch is served

For information and to register, please call Pat Ebbecke at 202-726-3418.

           

Porch Painting

I am painting the screened-in porch on our house and it is taking me a lot longer than I thought it would.  This time around there is more sanding and it just seems as though there is more to paint.  I had forgotten the amount of prep work necessary before you can even put the brush in the paint.  Oh well...I'm making progress as the radio blasts America's Top 40, even though I'm occasionally pulled back to thoughts about the last time I painted the porch.

Eight years ago, the porch was new and my husband was alive.  He loved the porch and spent a lot of time there reading and resting.  Often I would find him sitting in one of the chairs with his eyes closed, feeling the soft breeze.  Or he would just sit out there by himself staring off into the distance.  I often wonder if he knew how sick he was at that point.  I think he felt very tired from the diabetes and his heart condition, but I never really knew what he was thinking about because once he saw me he acted as though everything was fine.  He would smile and then ask me what was going on in the world.



When I was painting the ceiling, my husband would sit inside in the family room and read one of the many  newspapers we had delivered to the house.  Sometimes he would read stories out loud to me if he thought he found one that was particularly interesting or weird or involved someone we did or didn't like very much.  Of course, I didn't always agree with the selection of stories he decided to read to me.  If he started to read something that I particularly considered a waste of time, I would yell something back like, "Stop reading.  I don't want to hear anything more about blankety blank."  Did he stop reading?  Nooooo way.  He would go on reading until he reached the end.  It would drive me crazy but it also made me paint faster.

As a family, we ate lunch and dinner on the porch as much as we could and my son and I still spend just about the same amount of time out there.  But DC summers can get really hot and humid and at some point the weather becomes unbearable and we have to retreat inside for a cooler place to eat.  My favorite times on the porch are late dinners on the weekend.  Just as finish our meal, the sun starts to set and we light the candles.  No one is in a hurry and we lazily talk and catch up with one another.  Of course, we thought that routine would never end; that we would always hang out on the porch and have relaxing dinners.  We had no idea what was in store for us and it was just as well.

It's still a very special porch and lately it has been the site for graduation and birthday celebrations.  I know it will continue to be the site of many more happy family events.  One event, planned for later this summer, is a bridal shower for one of my nieces who is getting married in November 2011.  New memories will be made with this bridal party and I look forward to celebrating my niece, her fiance and their exciting future.  And in the midst of all the bridal excitement and the wedding decorations and gifts, I will sweetly remember the man that I was once married to.

Bestselling Author Ann Kaiser Stearns, PhD -- Save The Date

Although Widowed Persons Outreach provides help for those who are widowed, this October 19th, 2011 conference is open to everyone!

You may be a professional or helping a friend or family member through loss and want to deepen your skills and understanding.  Or you yourself may be experiencing a loss. Whatever your situation, this conference will give you comfort and hope.

Bestselling author Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns brings a powerful message to those dealing with the pain of a loss. When a loved one dies, a marriage or important relationship ends, a financial or health crisis occurs, or even a dream is shattered, you still have a choice in how to live, says Dr. Stearns. With her inspirational insight and helpful healing strategies, you’ll discover how you can move beyond the harsh and painful events that have occurred, grow stronger, and still live a fulfilling life. 

For more information about Dr. Stearns, visit her website, http://www.annkaiserstearns.com/.  Her latest book will be for sale at the event.

When:  Wednesday, October 19, 2011   

             9:45 a.m. – Registration and Coffee or Tea

             10:15 a.m. – 12:00 noon – Keynote Address

             12:00 noon – Book signing and Break

             12:30 p.m. – Lunch is served

Who:  Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns

Why:  Living Through Personal Crisis – Life After Loss

          Sponsored by Widowed Persons Outreach – Helping and Healing

Where: Kenwood Country Club, 5601 River Road, Bethesda, MD  20816

Cost:  $35.  Make check payable to WPO and mail to Pat Ebbecke,

           7600 17^th St., NW, Washington, DC 20012-1122  

 
Contact:  For further information, call Pat Ebbecke 202-726-3418.

Julie Potter -- Sibley Hospital Angel

I write today about a special woman named Julie Potter who played a pivotal role in putting me and many others on the path to resilience.

Today is Julie's last day at Sibley Hospital and I know that she will be missed quite a lot!!!!!  True to her nature, Julie always downplays her valuable contributions and the vast resources she has set up at Sibley to help others.  Besides her primary responsibilities at Sibley's Senior Services department, Julie also oversees the Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) bereavement group.  For 21 years, Julie has reached out to help people who find themselves vulnerable during trying times and she has generously given them emotional support and strength so that they may find their way back to more solid footing.  She is calm, gentle and patient but she is also honest and funloving.  Julie has a sixth sense for what people need and if they can't find the right connections then she helps them until they do.

Sibley had no support groups when Julie began working there.  Julie started the hospital's first support group, a cancer support group, and that led to the start of many other groups: arthritis, alzheimer's, bereavement, diabetes, parkinson's and movement disorders.  And if that wasn't enough, she also started the hospital's Walking Club in 1992.

I remember the first time I spoke to her on the phone because I was pretty much a basketcase.  I had received a pamphet in the mail about a bereavement group at Sibley Hospital that met twice a month and Julie was the contact person.  I wasn't ready yet to talk in a group but still I thought it would be a good idea to talk to her for guidance and also to see if I could talk to someone in the bereavement group on a one-to-one basis.  I called and left a voice message for her.

My husband had died about nine months earlier and I had just come back from vacation with my young son.  We weren't vacationing alone; we were with friends. But it had been jarring to spend vacation time without my husband.  Everything about the beach was almost the same as it had been from the year before except my husband had died.  It became a big deal to me as I realized pretty quickly into the vacation that I needed to talk to someone about all the grief feelings that I was experiencing. Every day during vacation I would tamp down all the feelings of contradiction.  No one I knew could really understand what it was all about.  I would walk up to the beach early every morning and sit in the sand and cry and then walk back to the house as though everything was okay.

When Julie called me back, she said she knew of a woman in the bereavement group who was widowed many years ago and had since remarried.  The woman who Julie sent my way helped me tremendously and I will always be grateful for her sensitivity and empathy.  She was truly an incredible gift sent from heaven.  She listened to me and also shared her own stories about being a wife and mother and suddenly becoming a widow.  She told me how she met her current husband and how life would get better.  She gave me hope.  And so did Julie.

Thank you Julie Potter from the bottom of my heart for taking care of me and all the other people seeking understanding and support after losing a loved one!!!!!  Best wishes in your continued volunteer work with WPO and all other endeavors you decide to follow.

Clothes To You

With the today's launch of Cry, Laugh, Heal, I’ll start by sharing an unexpected moment that helped me cope with my husband’s death.

Grieving can take you down some unpredictable paths -- sometimes revealing humor where you least expect it.

I learned the importance of having a sense of humor early in life while growing up in a large Irish Catholic family.  If you couldn’t laugh at yourself, then someone else would imitate you until you did.  So laughing and making jokes about life’s bumps in the road was part of my DNA, an integral part of my spirit, and it served me well until my husband died.

Suddenly, I found myself in this new role of being a middle-aged widow and single mother and I felt as though I was outside of myself performing some sort of high-wire act.  On the one hand I was trying to move forward and support my young son, while on the other hand I was completely numb.  As much as my family and friends supported me, I felt as if no one really got my “spin cycle” of emotions and what I was trying to handle. 

I decided I needed to find others who had also lost loved ones and talk to them about how they managed to put the pieces back together and go on with their lives.  I started going to group support sessions at Sibley Hospital’s bereavement group called Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) and it was there that I found the emotional resources and freedom to talk about ALL the issues surrounding my husband’s death -- even the things that sound really irreverent and crazy to other people.

Talking about the emptiness, the surreal feelings, the memories and the loss of future memories was exhausting but therapeutic.  But the best thing that came out of these emotional dialogues was that I unexpectedly rediscovered my sense of humor. 

We were talking about what happens when you have buried your loved one yet their belongings – their clothes, their food, their books, most of what they owned – is still all around you.  I jumped into the discussion and began talking about what happened to me one day when I was in the house all by myself.  That particular day, I really felt like I was falling apart and all I wanted was some kind of contact with my husband.

 I opened my cell phone, walked around the room and stared at it, thinking there actually was the possibility that something might happen -- a ring, a text, a signal of some sort from my husband.  I know it sounds strange but when you are in the throes of deep grief and your loss is so raw, you are just hurting and not being logical. 

I closed my eyes and imagined that he was hugging me.  Then I opened the hall closet and took one of his tweed jackets off the hanger.  I put it on and of course I immediately felt better. I smelled him in that precious jacket and I imagined his arms around me.  I was comforted and torn up at the same time.

As I talked about this experience to my group, I talked directly to the husky man sitting across from me and said, “Trying on his clothes really made me feel a lot better.  Haven’t you ever done the same thing?”

Without missing a beat, he said with a completely straight face, “I gotta tell you.   I have never, ever once thought about wearing my wife’s clothes.  Wearing her pink cardigan would not make me feel better!”

I totally burst out laughing.  Something about the serious expression on his face, his delivery and the mental picture of this big guy in a small pastel sweater made me laugh so hard I couldn’t get my breath.  And everyone else started laughing too so I knew that we had hit on something close to people’s hearts.

It was then that I knew life was going to be a little softer.  Nothing was going to be great or wonderful; just slightly more bearable.  For a long time, I didn’t think it was okay to laugh.  I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying myself and besides, nothing was funny to me anyway.

There is a very thin line between crying and laughing.  Many times you find yourself doing one of them and all of a sudden you are doing the other.  But a good cry or a good laugh can make you feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and that’s what this blog is here to do.