Not To Worry

Why is it that I think that worrying about something will affect the circumstances of the thing I'm  worrying about?

 

It's as though the more I worry about it, the more I think I can push the situation to go the way I want.

My siblings and I talk a lot about worrying and why we worry.  Like A LOT.  As in a couple of times a week.

It's a good thing I come from a family of six children so we can rotate our calls to each other and no one ends up being burnt out from the constant chatter of one person over and over.  What do we worry about?  Besides our children, most of whom are now young adults and tell us not to worry about them, we worry about our wonderful parents who are in their eighties.  We all live within a hour or two of where my parents live and only out of love do we wonder if they need more of our help.

To say that my parents are independent and free spirited is an understatement but that is also what makes them so charming and so resistant to our offers of help.  I'm sure your family is much the same as ours where aging and illness are issues that are now at the top of the worry list.  It's a bit of a  juggling act trying to know when to offer assistance and when to leave it alone and let it work itself out.

Lots of people say that worry is a waste and I suppose that's true but it doesn't feel that way when you are actively worrying about people you care about.

Worry Beads

Usually worry starts with my thoughts and then as I start thinking about a situation, I unfortunately let myself get ahead to something that hasn't happened yet and maybe it won't ever happen but I still think to myself "What if that happens?"  Do you do this too?  Or am I in a class by myself?

When my thought process starts going round and round, stuck on a thought, I find I have to apply the mental brakes on myself and distract myself with some other activity.  If I don't stop thinking about the "what if's", then the worrying will affect my mood; as in getting a very intense headache.

At that moment I realize the negative effects of worrying: all that thinking, all that concern, all that energy focused on a certain situation, doesn't change whether it will happen.  Not one little bit.  In the meantime, I've made myself a an awful wreck.  Not. good. at. all.

Just as the repetition of handling the beads on a string of worry beads can be calming and healing so does saying positive affirmations to yourself.  Affirmations can help guide you to inner peace.  Sometimes I say; "Worry is a waste." "Worry is a waste." and other times I repeat "Resist worry. Resist Fear."  or "I am safe."

Most of the time my affirmations go a long way to making me feel better about whatever is going on and when they don't I know I can always grab my trusty phone and know that an understanding sibling is just a call away!

In Honor Of The Oscars

In honor of the Oscars last night, I'd like to give out a personal award.

Last night's Academy Awards speeches seemed to me to be particularly emotional, expressing the gratitude of recognition, the fulfillment of dreams and deep thanks for the years of incredible support that people received while working on their ground breaking film projects. 

It brought to mind for me the role that others play in our lives during difficult times and reminded me that support groups around the country are on the front lines of our communities, doing the nitty gritty, down and dirty and painful work of helping us put one foot in front of another as we learn to live with the unexpected challenges that life has brings us.

 

In my case, I'd like to give out a personal award, The Best  Support Group award to Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) located at Sibley Hospital in Washington, DC.  The people at Sibley who run this incredible program are the unsung heros of bereavement work and I'd like to draw the curtains aside a bit to reveal that grief support groups are not strange secretive gatherings of people who wallow in their sorrow and loss.

 

Best Support Group Award

No indeed.  They are groups of compassionate people dealing honestly and directly with the confusion that grief brings.  I spent almost two years as a participating member of the WPO support group and then after leaving the support group I spent many years later as a volunteer trying to give back the unconditional support WPO gave to me.

I learned a tremendous amount from the other widowed members of the group and also the amazing people who ran the group while I was there.  One person I would like to give a shout out to is Julie Potter, a calm and patient woman with so much insight that she reminds me of  a wise Buddha.  WPO taught me how to slowly gather the shattered pieces of myself and figure out how to best to put them back together in a way that gave me worked for me.  The group gave me the strength to help myself and my grieving young son.   

 

Whether it's alcoholism, gambling, overeating, drug addiction or grief, I believe that others who are traveling the same unpredictable path as ourselves can often offer the greatest amount of inspiration.

It may seem slow and incredibly painful but I found that when you sit and share your story with others facing the same issues, there is a sense of relief that you have finally found people who understand the depth of what you are feeling and how hard it is to handle.  In searching for a way to begin healing, support groups offer a safety zone because you find you are not alone in your emotional turmoil. 

 

Many people are uncomfortable with the emotional pain of grief.  As a result, family and friends are sometimes unsure of what to say or how to be helpful.  Support groups are the places where we can let it all hang out, revealing the thoughts and feeling we might not want to tell others because they might not get what we are really telling them.

 

You deserve to talk through your feelings and get them off your chest.  It's all part of starting a healing process.  By letting your emotions come to the surface and then working through them, you acknowledge and face your changed life and find others who are also dealing with the same sorts of issues.

 

Each grief may be individual but you shouldn't feel that you have to handle it all by yourself.  Support groups can be a crucial first step when you find yourself unsure of how to deal with a personal crisis.

Angelina's Health Decision

Angelina Jolie made a powerful decision.

It's not a decision that every woman has the opportunity to make, but I stand and applaud her courage and wish her a future of wellness.

 

Faced with medical information from her doctors that she had an 87 percent risk of developing breast cancer and a 50 percent risk of developing ovarian cancer because she carried the BRCA1 gene, she decided to take control of her health and be proactive.  She decided at the young age of 37 to have a double mastectomy which means she had both of her currently healthy breasts surgically removed.

 

Jolie didn't want to wait around for the cancer to come and claim her.

 

Jolie, the winner of an Academy Award, two Screen Actors Guild and three Golden Globe awards, wrote an op-ed piece which appeared in yesterday's New York Times about her medical decision and I think every woman who read it paused afterwards and thanked God for their good health and blessings and maybe at the same time they also thought about someone they had already lost to breast or ovarian cancer or is in treatment.

Whether a mother or a daughter, grandparent, sibling, or friend, chances are very good that almost every New York Times and Cry, Laugh, Heal reader knows someone affected by fbomb cancer.

Actress Angelina Jolie and her partner, Actor Brad Pitt, with their six children

I imagine that every woman, when first diagnosed with breast cancer has two burning questions, "What am I going to do?" and "Will I lose my breast?"  As the mother of six children and the daughter of a woman who died from cancer at age 56, Jolie said she had all the information she needed to face her scary health dilemma, stare down her future and go forward.

Her New York Times op-ed is amazing and for me, her most inspirational words came in the last two sentences:

"Life comes with many challenges.  The ones that should not scare us are the ones we can take on and take control of."

 

Cancer can many times take us to the land of grief and, believe me, it is not a place anyone wants to visit.  But once we find ourselves thrown there, we can and must find a way to get through the tears and the pain and work to find a new way of living our lives.

 

It is about trust, and love, and being human.  And it is most of all about hope.

 

Please don't ever give up.

 

You've got the power.

Anderson Cooper & His Mom

I recently watched parts of  the Anderson Live! episodes that explored surviving loss and rebuilding your life in the aftermath.

I found it touching and almost too private to watch Anderson Cooper and his mother talk about their personal reactions to the sudden loss of two very close loved ones from their lives.  I really wanted to know what they did to survive such shocking and tragic deaths but at the same time their thoughts were so candid that I almost wondered if they were aware that the cameras were rolling.

It's courageous and incredibly helpful for the greater good when celebrities such as CNN reporter and talk show host Anderson Cooper and his mother, former fashion designer and heiress Gloria Vanderbilt, publicly discuss how they coped with loss and allow others to know about the sadness and anxiety that enveloped their lives and what helped them start to heal. 

Anderson Cooper and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt

Cooper's father and Vanderbilt's husband Wyatt Emory Cooper, died at the age of 50 during open heart surgery. Vanderbilt never married again. Anderson was only ten years old when his father died. A decade later, an even more horrifying tragedy struck the Vanderbilt-Cooper family: Cooper's brother, Carter. leapt to his death while Vanderbilt was trying to coax him away from a ledge in the family's New York City apartment building.

I don't see it as an attempt to grab ratings.  If that were the case, they could do so many other things or talk about so many other attention getting  subjects to boost televisions ratings rather than talk about their grief, a subject which most people consider to be a downer.

Loss can shattter your heart and scramble your psyche and in bringing the subject of grief to daytime television, Cooper and his mother went a long way in breaking the long accepted barrier of hiding grief feelings.  When people see Cooper and Vanderbilt talking about their pain, then they sometimes give themselves permission to start to feel comfortable talking about their pain and their sorrow with their family and friends.  Hopefully, grief then becomes less of a taboo subject.

Cooper and his mom could very easily have kept quiet about that sad part of their lives and only shared those feelings and thoughts about their losses with those they trust.  But instead, they decided to take those feelings from a private place and talk about them on television, putting them out in a public forum, making themselves vulnerable by exposing their pain, confusion and shock.

 

I hope the fearless way that Anderson Cooper and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, intimately talked about the deaths of their father/husband and brother/son helped them gain additional strength as they continue to acknowledge their feelings about their loved ones and rebuild their lives.  As they have said themselves, it is something that never leaves them.  From the comments that others wrote on www.andersoncooper.com there is no doubt that the Anderson Live! episodes dedicated to grief, love and loss helped and inspired many, many others also trying to cope with similiar feelings of loss.

No matter what walk of life you are from, baring your soul and revealing your feelings is about the basic human need to connect with others.  It's making our best effort to help each other through tough times.  Connections between people who care is what life is all about.  Feeling that another human being understands, likes, respects, enjoys or loves you for being you makes the vulnerability worthwhile.

I felt that connection from others many years ago when I went to my bereavement support group for almost two years and I still feel that connection when I talk to certain people about my husband's death.  It's truly a powerful feeling and it helps you go on with your life.

Here a bit of Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt's story of survival:

 

85 Year Old Friends

All of my friends are gifts.

 

Friendships, no matter what your age, are healing and can help you maintain your mental balance.   Friends connect you to the dynamics of life and all it has to give.  Friends keep me going and remind me what life is truly about.  Hashing the ups and down of life cements my friendships, for they help me try to make sense -- or least laugh -- at what has happed to me or to them.

 

It's always great to make new friends but there is something about the chemistry of an old friendship that is fascinating to me.  Friends who have known each other for years can be similiar to a good marriage: they can finish each other's sentences, they let go of the things that don't matter and they just enjoy the company of each other.

 

Check out these two older gents who have a great friendship.  All I can say is I love their attitude towards life and they are a riot:

 

 

God Bless The Child

Children are not small adults who can basically raise themselves.  Children can be resilient but only to a point.

Being the oldest of six children, having 35 first cousins and also being a mother has taught me that children are much smarter than we ever give them credit for, but that doesn't mean that they understand all that is happening to them in their homes, schools or in the world at large. Their bodies, brains and emotions are still developing and they need all the love and guidance we can give them.

I am a big believer in honesty when talking to children but also in making sure that the information I give them is age appropriate. While the airwaves may carry images and words for all of us to see and hear, that doesn't mean all should see and hear it. Even as an adult there is stuff out there that I don't watch or listen to because I don't want it in my brain. It's not that I can't handle it, I just don't want it.

These days, children get bombarded with information they're not ready for and they don't have much choice about what they see and hear because the adults in charge of television, movies, radio and other electronic gizmos have gotten greedy and want it all to remain pretty much uncensored so they can continue to have access to what they want.

This is all the more reason for children to feel that they can trust and believe in at least one adult in their lives.  When faced with stress and trauma, especially the emotional trauma of losing someone they love, they need to know there are adults out there who have their backs. Their little hearts can only take so much and that's why talking and listening to a child is crucial during a bereavement period.

I know my son did not want to talk about his father's death at all but I had to slowly get him to let his feelings out.  He had to feel safe about talking openly and honestly about his good days and bad, his sadness, fear, disappointment, anger and even his hopes.  It took time for this to happen and it's still an ongoing process.

If you're not sure what to do or say to a child who is having a difficult time dealing with the loss of a loved one, here is a helpful story from Hello Grief, a website (www.hellogrief.org) that "addresses grief head-on, with real people providing real-life opinions, and sharing real-life stories":

Having Good Conversations With Your Kids

By Hello Grief

While children experience the same feelings of despair, sadness, helplessness, anger, anxiety, guilt, confusion and fear that adults do following a loss, they often do not have the maturity and experience to understand, identify and express those feelings.

Communication is key to helping our children understand their grief, and begin addressing it in healthy ways. Without communication, you will not know where your child may have a misunderstanding about how or why the loss occurred.

With communication, you will be able to identify areas in which your child is struggling with their grief, and how you can help.  It is important to continue discussing the loss and after affects of the loss (such as moving, remarriage, life milestones), with your children over time.

Below are a few tips to having open, successful communication with your kids about grief and loss at any age:

As a parent, understand what your goal is before starting the conversation - why are you wanting to talk to your child? Is there a specific issue you want to discuss? A specific question you want to uncover?

Stay on topic – Once you decide on your goal for the conversation, don’t use this time to bring up other “issues” you’ve wanted to address unrelated to the conversation (i.e., homework, house chores, dating, etc).

Create a safe environment – Atmosphere can play a huge role in your child’s willingness to open up about how he or she is feeling. Have this discussion in a safe place, away from others who may overhear. Don’t create an intimidating environment, such as starting this conversation in places associated with “getting in trouble.” Having a snack, or doing an activity during which talking is easy could be helpful (such as coloring/drawing, riding in a car, going for a jog, etc).

Allow your kids to be able to say whatever they need, any way they want, to during your conversation - This does not mean you have to allow your child to use profanity if you do not typically allow it. Rather, enable your child to say what they need to say without “correcting their story,” should you remember it differently, or have a different opinion. It also means not keeping any topics “off limits” – including the details of the loss, even if it’s difficult for you to discuss. Let them say what they need, and ask the questions they need without limitation.

Know that some things are off limits to parents - It’s not you, it’s them. And it’s normal. But, having more frequent safe, and honest conversations with your children will help them build trust and begin to discuss more. Also know that even if your child isn’t saying anything to you, it doesn’t mean they are not benefiting from the conversation. Know they are processing internally. You should also make sure that your child has additional outlets to have the conversations they can’t have with you – such as a counselor, or support group.

Angels & Faith

Faith is usually defined as having a confident belief in the truth of a person, idea or thing.  Faith is also defined as having a secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will. 

Hmmmm....trusting acceptance.  For me that is always the part of faith that I am constantly working on.  I have been thinking a lot about faith these days and it's role in my life.  I don't know what the future will bring, but of course  I always hope and pray that it's going to be something good.

And if it's not something good, then I hope and pray that I will have the faith and strength to deal with it.

I have found that my faith has changed as my life has unfolded.  When my son was born, my faith in the future and in the world as a whole was off the charts.  He was a beautiful baby and everything about him worked as it should and my husband and I truly felt blessed as parents.

When my husband died,  I felt as though I was being severely tested and punished.  I couldn't see beyond the next 10 minutes and I had no idea what would happen the next day.  I wasn't even sure that that I wanted the next day to arrive.  I had no energy to build or plan a future.  It was all about surviving.

It was during this time that I re-acquainted myself with angels.  From childhood, I have always believed in the existence of angels and their power to inspire and protect us.  Maybe it has something to do with the Catholic notion of everyone having a guardian angel that God gives to you when you are born and your guardian angel watches over you until you die.

There have been times in my life when my guardian angel has worked overtime and I have definitely felt as though she has yanked me out of some dicey situations.  It's too bad she hasn't had the ability to sometimes put masking tape over my mouth because that would have been equally as helpful!  I am not alone in my faith about angels.  I asked a guy that I work with about angels and he quickly replied that he knows for sure that he has a couple of guardian angels dedicated to watching over him!

Joking aside, I do believe that God has a plan for all of us and that angels watch over us and do their best to keep us on the straight and narrow.

Have you ever felt the presence of an angel in your life?