Happy Birthday to My Irish Twin

 

Happy Birthday Sheila!

 

Today is my sister Sheila's birthday so for the next month we will be the same age.

 

How can we be the same age for a month?

 

We are Irish twins.

 

I was born in January and she was born in December of the same year.  Busy parents, yes?  Irish twins are defined as a pair of siblings born within 12 to 16 months of each other. When we were young children, our mother would dress us alike as though we were twins and we have lots of pictures from holidays in the same dresses and coats.  I must say that my sister Sheila is better at pulling herself together, even as a child, so she usually looked better in her outfits.

 

I think the term "Irish twins" came to be because the majority of Irish are Catholic and the Catholic Church doesn't support the practice of birth control even though it does support the practice of the "rhythm method."  I come from a family of six children (I am the oldest) and during my childhood a family of six or more children was not unusual.

 

If you aren't familiar with the "rhythm method," here's an old joke that should tell you a lot about its effectiveness:  Do you know what they call people who practice the rhythm method?

 

Parents! Ba Dump Bump.

 

Anyway, back to my sister.  We have had our ups and downs, as most sisters do, but we have a lot of great memories from our childhood and as adults, getting married and raising our children.  Having a sister so close in age means that we were always together; especially when my mother would take us shopping.

 

One time when we about 4 or 5 years old, we were shopping with our mother and we started playing hide and seek behind the rounds of clothes.  Our mother must have been really been preoccupied with something else because usually she would blow a gasket if we got away from her.

 

We were small enough to stand behind the coats and we thought no one could see us.  We must of played this game for only a few minutes when I thought we were lost in the store.  Our mother was only one aisle over from us but I couldn't see her.  I think I sat on the floor and started to cry and then I told my sister Sheila that we were in big trouble because we lost our mother.  I completely fell apart.

 

What happened next was a complete role reversal in our relationship and something that made me feel closer to her: Sheila stayed calm and comforted me and told me that everything would be all right, that we would find our mother and I shouldn't cry.

 

And she was right.  Our mother says she knew where we were the whole time and she was keeping an eye on us and thought it was funny.

 

Lots of love and Happy Birthday to my Irish twin sister Sheila!

 

Here's to making many more great memories together!!

 

God Bless The Child

Children are not small adults who can basically raise themselves.  Children can be resilient but only to a point.

Being the oldest of six children, having 35 first cousins and also being a mother has taught me that children are much smarter than we ever give them credit for, but that doesn't mean that they understand all that is happening to them in their homes, schools or in the world at large. Their bodies, brains and emotions are still developing and they need all the love and guidance we can give them.

I am a big believer in honesty when talking to children but also in making sure that the information I give them is age appropriate. While the airwaves may carry images and words for all of us to see and hear, that doesn't mean all should see and hear it. Even as an adult there is stuff out there that I don't watch or listen to because I don't want it in my brain. It's not that I can't handle it, I just don't want it.

These days, children get bombarded with information they're not ready for and they don't have much choice about what they see and hear because the adults in charge of television, movies, radio and other electronic gizmos have gotten greedy and want it all to remain pretty much uncensored so they can continue to have access to what they want.

This is all the more reason for children to feel that they can trust and believe in at least one adult in their lives.  When faced with stress and trauma, especially the emotional trauma of losing someone they love, they need to know there are adults out there who have their backs. Their little hearts can only take so much and that's why talking and listening to a child is crucial during a bereavement period.

I know my son did not want to talk about his father's death at all but I had to slowly get him to let his feelings out.  He had to feel safe about talking openly and honestly about his good days and bad, his sadness, fear, disappointment, anger and even his hopes.  It took time for this to happen and it's still an ongoing process.

If you're not sure what to do or say to a child who is having a difficult time dealing with the loss of a loved one, here is a helpful story from Hello Grief, a website (www.hellogrief.org) that "addresses grief head-on, with real people providing real-life opinions, and sharing real-life stories":

Having Good Conversations With Your Kids

By Hello Grief

While children experience the same feelings of despair, sadness, helplessness, anger, anxiety, guilt, confusion and fear that adults do following a loss, they often do not have the maturity and experience to understand, identify and express those feelings.

Communication is key to helping our children understand their grief, and begin addressing it in healthy ways. Without communication, you will not know where your child may have a misunderstanding about how or why the loss occurred.

With communication, you will be able to identify areas in which your child is struggling with their grief, and how you can help.  It is important to continue discussing the loss and after affects of the loss (such as moving, remarriage, life milestones), with your children over time.

Below are a few tips to having open, successful communication with your kids about grief and loss at any age:

As a parent, understand what your goal is before starting the conversation - why are you wanting to talk to your child? Is there a specific issue you want to discuss? A specific question you want to uncover?

Stay on topic – Once you decide on your goal for the conversation, don’t use this time to bring up other “issues” you’ve wanted to address unrelated to the conversation (i.e., homework, house chores, dating, etc).

Create a safe environment – Atmosphere can play a huge role in your child’s willingness to open up about how he or she is feeling. Have this discussion in a safe place, away from others who may overhear. Don’t create an intimidating environment, such as starting this conversation in places associated with “getting in trouble.” Having a snack, or doing an activity during which talking is easy could be helpful (such as coloring/drawing, riding in a car, going for a jog, etc).

Allow your kids to be able to say whatever they need, any way they want, to during your conversation - This does not mean you have to allow your child to use profanity if you do not typically allow it. Rather, enable your child to say what they need to say without “correcting their story,” should you remember it differently, or have a different opinion. It also means not keeping any topics “off limits” – including the details of the loss, even if it’s difficult for you to discuss. Let them say what they need, and ask the questions they need without limitation.

Know that some things are off limits to parents - It’s not you, it’s them. And it’s normal. But, having more frequent safe, and honest conversations with your children will help them build trust and begin to discuss more. Also know that even if your child isn’t saying anything to you, it doesn’t mean they are not benefiting from the conversation. Know they are processing internally. You should also make sure that your child has additional outlets to have the conversations they can’t have with you – such as a counselor, or support group.