Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

A New York Lesson

To have an uninterrupted block of time in which to read is to me a pure, unadulterated luxury.
 
Don't you just love that word luxury?  It just rolls off your tongue and sounds a bit sinful.
 
Reading for pleasure is healing and similar to putting your foot on the brake of life, stopping your normal crunched up, sometimes scattered daily routine, and allowing your mind to travel elsewhere.  When I find a book that has a compelling story line I am mentally gone and immersed in the characters and their lives and lose all track of the passage of time.  This past weekend, I found myself with two mornings in a row of relatively quiet hours in which to read and I used every second of it to enjoy a collection of short stories called "Good Bye To All That."
 
Essentially, the book is the work of 28 authors writers pouring their hearts out about why it was absolutely necessary and essential for them to live in New York City to become writers of importance, writers extraordinaire, and of course we all know that this kind of thing can only happen in New York City right?


My Favorite Building:
The Chrysler Building in New York City

Unfortunately, we also know that the best laid plans sometimes don't work out and then painful adjustments have to be made.  Usually this means leaving New York City, for at some point, even the most ardent of Big Apple lovers can get worn down by New York City and its frenzied pace.
 
But in between the arrival and the departure a vast amount of wisdom is learned by these authors about the hugs and punches of  life and each one lays bare their vulnerability in chasing their dreams and they write about how their New York lessons have stayed with them no matter where they ended up living after leaving.

One that particularly struck me, is a short story titled "Homecoming" by Mira Ptacin.  The author explains how she and her husband now live in a quiet and rural place called Peaks Island, Maine,  population 800,  years and years after living in New York City where they unfortunately practiced the selfish habit of constantly putting their careers first, always to the exclusion of their marriage.  While still in New York, Ptacin and her husband saw many red flags along the way signaling to them that they needed to spend more time together but none matched the impact of the sudden death of a childhood friend's father.

The loss forced them stop and wonder and think about what was actually important to them and eventually they ended up asking themselves a series of questions about what would happen to them if they got sick, who would take care of them, who would even care if they got sick or worse.  It made them re-evaluate their lives and they decided it was time to save their marriage or else pretty soon there would be no more marriage.

Loss can starkly show you what's truly important and what is a waste of your precious time.  Here is Ptacin's insight about the simplicity of life that she says she learned after her tragic loss:

"Brent's funeral was held three days after he died.  After the burial and as the sun was setting, we gathered at Brent and Rosemary's home.  We walked there from Andrew's childhood home, too, and we stayed until nearly 2 am, drinking on their wraparound porch, exchanging stories, eating Doritos, passing photo albums, and handing out tissues.  This went on for three nights, and kept going even after Andrew and I left town.

Here are some of the things I learned at Rosemary's that first week after leaving New York: I learned that when a widow is crying and smoking a cigarette, you let her cry and if you speak, it's to ask if you can get her another Diet Coke.  I learned that no one cares that much what you do for a living, but they will be grateful if you stay up with a six-year-old and watch Dennis the Menace because his grandfather is dead and he cannot sleep.  Rather than get into a political debate about the war, you thank an Iraqi veteran for his service.  You do not check your BlackBerry in the middle of a toast, and when someone hands you a crying baby, you hold it.  I learned that ice cream cake make grandpas feel really special, and when a neighbor invites you to swing by the food pantry during her volunteer shift so that she can take a look at that nasty poison oak on your shin, you go, and wait patiently until she can get free to see you.  I learned that you don't judge someone's worth based on what they can do for you and that you aren't expected to ask, "How can I help?"  Instead, you just jump right in."

That's exactly right.   

You just jump right in and embrace love and the whole range of magnificent feelings that life sends your way.

For when you put love first, you are home. 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Never Look Away

When you consider the amount of emotional baggage we all carry around with us, it is amazing that we find love.
 
Wounded though our hearts may be, we cannot fight the attraction and pull of another person who catches our fancy.
 
 
Maybe you have been lucky and found love more than once.

I found love with a small l a few times, but found love with a capital L only once.  It's an amazing, powerful, crazy thing this love emotion that takes us over and keeps us going and truly defines our lives.  It is not to be treated lightly, as though it were something you can just toss away whenever you want and find something better when you want it.
 
Oh no.  It is not an emotion to played with.  It makes your fingers tingly and your mouth dry and when you find the one who is right for you, don't ever look away.   
 
Grab it and don't hesitate, for the one who loves you deeply, the one who heals your wounded heart, probably also inspires you, just as Denise inspires Kevin Kelly.
 
Please read this beautiful love story in the link below written by Kevin Kelly about his one and only Denise. 
 
It blew me away because it made me remember what romantic love is all about and I hope it does the same for you.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/17/booming/inspired-by-denise.html?smid=tw-nytimeshealth&seid=auto&_r=0

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Divorce v Death




I'm not sure why people compare getting divorced to losing a spouse.

But they do.

Hmmmmm.  One of these things is really not like the other.

Yes, both situations are the end of something, but one is final and the other is not.

Both situations are traumatic and force you to assess your life and eventually rebuild it in a new way.

But the death of a loved one is final.  You will never see that person again.

With divorce, you might feel like you never want to see that person again but they're still alive.

Lots of widows and widowers hear this comparison but that doesn't make it true.

Shortly after my husband's death, I had a couple of people make the same comparison to me and I thought it was weird but then I heard from others about the same thing.  Recently, I read the following on another woman's Facebook page.  Having been widowed for six years, this woman thought she had heard it all until another woman said to her, "My husband had to work on Saturday, so I know what it's like to be you."  The widow thought to herself: "REALLY?  Did he come home for dinner?  Then, no you don't."
 
If you're still not sure of the difference between divorce and death, here is a short video made by a young woman named Kim Richardson.  She makes her point quietly and effectively.  The video was tweeted yesterday by a support group in South Carolina called Widows of Opportunity (www.widowsofopportunity.)
 
 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Get Your S#%t Together

Are you one of those people who thinks that if they prepare to write their will that they are inviting tragedy to happen to them?

Guess what?  It doesn't work that way.


Chanel Reynolds

If you haven't taken care of executing your will, and/or sharing bank account numbers with your spouse or partner, then you should do it today.

Not to be an alarmist, but you really have no idea what is going to happen to you and you should be prepared.  Think of it as a gift that you are giving to the people that you love.  Life has a way of catching you off-guard and then, unfortunately, you find yourself with regrets.

I promise you, once you take care of figuring out who is charge of your health decisions and your property should you not be in a position to say, you will feel amazing!

First stop: a great web site called Get Your Shit Together (http://getyourshittogether.org/)  No shit.  That's really what the website is called.  It offers free downloads of lots of templates for wills, living wills and power of attorney.

Chanel Reynolds started the website a few years ago after her young and vigorous husband was hit by a car while bicycling.  He tragically died from the accident, leaving Reynolds with two children to raise.  She knew she and her husband had drafted wills for each other but the wills weren't signed and she had no idea how much money they had in their bank account.

I related to Reynolds story.  My husband was sick for about two and a half years before he died and I remember that awful feeling of being completely helpless when the doctors came to me one day when he was in the hospital and they asked me if I had power of attorney.  I told the doctors I didn't and they quickly replied, "You better get it today."

All at once the sheer mighty weight of our collective finances fell on my shoulders and I was not prepared to take them over either.  My husband had a will but it was out of date.  I didn't have a will and I didn't have power of attorney.  And our dear son was thirteen years old during this chaotic and emotional time.

Of course, now I do have a will and a living will and I feel a lot better knowing that copies of those essential documents sit in my attorney's file cabinet.

No matter what your situation, read Chanel's story and check out her helpful website which features a checklist of things that you may want to review to ensure that your property and your health are handled the way you want.

Here is the link to Chanel's story recently published in The New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/12/your-money/estate-planning/shell-tell-you-its-time-to-think-ahead.html?_r=0&adxnnl=1&ref=your-money&pagewanted=1&adxnnlx=1359424907-eY6eXyTxpnJ6bVGav6sExw

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Wedding Rings





The summer months bring many celebrations, mostly weddings and graduations, and this summer I have been to both.

Each is  a joyous event where the participants are beginning new futures either as man and wife or hopefully as a careerperson.  But today, weddings are on my mind.  Specifically, the rings and vows you exchange when you get married.

Nothing so publicly represents your marriage to others as wearing a wedding ring.  Whether it's a diamond or a simple gold band, a ring on your left hand symbolizes the emotional commitment you made to another person.  You are telling everyone that your heart and your life belong to someone else.

So what happens to your wedding rings when your spouse/partner dies?  Should you continue to wear your wedding rings?  Or do you take them off?

This is a HUGE issue for widows and widowers.  Technically, you aren't married anymore when your spouse dies but of course you still feel married.   I know lots of widows who continue to wear their wedding rings and would never think of taking them off.  And that's okay.  It's a personal decision and you have to listen to your heart and do what you think is best for you.

In my case, I wore my wedding rings for about two years after my husband's death.  I didn't plan it that way.  It just evolved.  The first year was a year of survival so I really didn't think about my rings.  During the second year, I started playing around with taking my rings off but for some reason it didn't feel right.  

One day, I remember looking down at my hand and staring at those rings and thinking, "I'm not married anymore.  My husband is no longer living.  I don't have a husband."  I slid took them off my finger because I knew it was time to say good-bye to that part of my life.  My finger looked so bare and vulnerable.    As I put them away in a special box, I thought back to our beautiful winter wedding and smiled.

I didn't discuss any of this with my son.  With all that was going on in his life at the time, I honestly never thought he would notice my hands and whether I was wearing rings or not.  But I was wrong.  One day I was turning a light on and he looked at my hand.  "Mom, where are your rings?" he asked me.  There was a slight note of worry in his voice and I think at first he thought that I might have lost them.

"I took them off," I said quietly.  "Daddy's been dead for two years.  I'm not married anymore and it doesn't feel right to be wearing my wedding rings when I don't have a husband."

"But I want you to put them back on," he said. 

"Why?," I said.  "I don't get it.  Why do you care if I have my wedding rings on or not?"

He hesitated.  "Because I think they protect you," he said.  "Please put them back on."

I hugged him and then explained to him that it was going to be okay and that this was the right thing to do.  He kept looking at me like I was making a big mistake but I said he had to trust me.  It was hard at first but now things are turning out to be okay and I've never regretted taking my rings off.

But that's my decision.  It doesn't mean it's the one for you.  You need to do what is comfortable for you.

If you're not ready to take your wedding rings off, then you could move your rings to your right hand, you could wear your rings on a chain around your neck or you could have the rings made into other pieces of jewelry for yourself or your children. 

Or you could just keep wearing your wedding rings for as long as you wish.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question.

Just as everyone finds their own way to mourn the loss of their loved one, so it is also true for wearing your wedding rings.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Anniversary Rituals?

This month would have marked the 25th anniversary of our wedding if my husband was still alive.  I wonder if he knows?  If things had turned out differently, I’m sure we would have thrown a big party for our family and friends to help us celebrate 25 years flying by since we first said “I do” to each other.

I looked at the calendar this year and thought about all those other anniversaries.  Of course, I haven’t celebrated a wedding anniversary for the past eight years and, truth be told, some anniversaries were more fun than others.  I think that’s true for every couple because it’s just part of the emotional roller coaster of being married.  But the important thing was we always tried to make time to do something special, remember that eventful day and reminisce about the wedding itself.  We had such a good time at our wedding that after the reception ended we joined a group of our friends who were going to a local bar to continue celebrating.

For our first wedding anniversary, I made the dinner reservation and I put a lot of thought into trying to find a place neither of us had been before.  I wanted to find a restaurant where the food was delicious, the atmosphere was comfortable and romantic but it wasn’t too expensive.  I thought I had done well but instead I had flunked reservation making big time.  We walked into the restaurant and my husband didn’t like it AT ALL.  Since I didn’t really want to go through that again, we agreed that in the future, he could make the anniversary reservations.

Fast forward to the wedding anniversary that arrived just after my husband died, and I was emotionally drained.  I didn’t really feel anything except numb – just as though I was walking through cotton candy.  Life’s daily routines were definitely surreal.

The next year was much harder for me because as silly as it sounds, it took me about a year to really absorb the fact that he was gone.  In that first year, I still was sort of looking for him.  Once, I was driving the car to the grocery store and I saw a man walking on the opposite side of the street with the same physical build as my husband,  dressed in the same uniform my husband wore: khaki pants and a denim shirt.  In that split second I thought it was him.  I remember there being something about the way the man walked that made me do a double take.  I had to pull into a parking lot and collect myself.

25 years. . . how could it be?  We were married for 17 years before he died and we had known each other for three to four years prior to getting married.  He was my best friend.  I recently browsed through the album of wedding pictures and shut it after a few pages.   The flood of emotions was unsettling.  In some ways, it felt as though it happened yesterday but it also it felt like a dream.  Did that really happen to me?  Is that really me in that wedding gown?  My God, we took so much for granted. 

Now the date is a day without rituals but I still have my memories.