Wedding Rings

The summer months bring many celebrations, mostly weddings and graduations, and this summer I have been to both.

Each is  a joyous event where the participants are beginning new futures either as man and wife or hopefully as a careerperson.  But today, weddings are on my mind.  Specifically, the rings and vows you exchange when you get married.

Nothing so publicly represents your marriage to others as wearing a wedding ring.  Whether it's a diamond or a simple gold band, a ring on your left hand symbolizes the emotional commitment you made to another person.  You are telling everyone that your heart and your life belong to someone else.

So what happens to your wedding rings when your spouse/partner dies?  Should you continue to wear your wedding rings?  Or do you take them off?

This is a HUGE issue for widows and widowers.  Technically, you aren't married anymore when your spouse dies but of course you still feel married.   I know lots of widows who continue to wear their wedding rings and would never think of taking them off.  And that's okay.  It's a personal decision and you have to listen to your heart and do what you think is best for you.

In my case, I wore my wedding rings for about two years after my husband's death.  I didn't plan it that way.  It just evolved.  The first year was a year of survival so I really didn't think about my rings.  During the second year, I started playing around with taking my rings off but for some reason it didn't feel right.  

One day, I remember looking down at my hand and staring at those rings and thinking, "I'm not married anymore.  My husband is no longer living.  I don't have a husband."  I slid took them off my finger because I knew it was time to say good-bye to that part of my life.  My finger looked so bare and vulnerable.    As I put them away in a special box, I thought back to our beautiful winter wedding and smiled.

I didn't discuss any of this with my son.  With all that was going on in his life at the time, I honestly never thought he would notice my hands and whether I was wearing rings or not.  But I was wrong.  One day I was turning a light on and he looked at my hand.  "Mom, where are your rings?" he asked me.  There was a slight note of worry in his voice and I think at first he thought that I might have lost them.

"I took them off," I said quietly.  "Daddy's been dead for two years.  I'm not married anymore and it doesn't feel right to be wearing my wedding rings when I don't have a husband."

"But I want you to put them back on," he said. 

"Why?," I said.  "I don't get it.  Why do you care if I have my wedding rings on or not?"

He hesitated.  "Because I think they protect you," he said.  "Please put them back on."

I hugged him and then explained to him that it was going to be okay and that this was the right thing to do.  He kept looking at me like I was making a big mistake but I said he had to trust me.  It was hard at first but now things are turning out to be okay and I've never regretted taking my rings off.

But that's my decision.  It doesn't mean it's the one for you.  You need to do what is comfortable for you.

If you're not ready to take your wedding rings off, then you could move your rings to your right hand, you could wear your rings on a chain around your neck or you could have the rings made into other pieces of jewelry for yourself or your children. 

Or you could just keep wearing your wedding rings for as long as you wish.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question.

Just as everyone finds their own way to mourn the loss of their loved one, so it is also true for wearing your wedding rings.

Love Links

In my purse I carry a post card that my husband sent to one of his oldest friends many years ago when we were on one of our annual family vacations at Bethany Beach.  He wrote some silly note about the beach, the kind of message that someone writes when they know everyone at the post office will read it before it reaches the people it is addressed to.

The friend's wife gave the postcard back to me after my husbad died and for some reason, just having that post card in my purse makes me feel connected to him.  Or maybe it serves more as a touchstone, allowing me to remember a wonderful memory.  If I am stuck on the Metro or have to wait in line somewhere and I have forgotten to bring a book or a newspaper to read, sometimes I will briefly pull out the post card to read it and look at his handwriting.  It makes me smile.  It doesn't make me sad.  I think it's because the message he wrote reflected his wry sense of humor and his outlook on life.  It's just so him.

I have questioned whether it is a healthy thing for me to carry this postcard around.  Am I being weird by looking at it from time to time?  Is it obsessive? I don't think it is, but I'm not sure.  It doesn't feel weird.  I think it would be dysfunctional if I denied to myself that he was dead and read the postcard several times a day, every day without fail.  But I don't read it every day and sometimes I honestly forget it's in my purse because there's so much other stuff in there too.  The memory of my husband and those wonderful times at the beach are just that, memories, and they don't hold me back from living my life and going forward.

An article I read recently refers to momentos such as my postcard as "links" or "likages" to our loved ones.  These links can be small everyday items that the person used or it can also be a piece of jewelry that the person once wore that you now choose to wear.

I think the idea of keeping or wearing items that remind you of your loved one can be healing and sometimes help you move through your pain and back into your daily life.  In trying to find new opportunities, you can gain inner strength and recover from your loss.  Every day I feel that I am rebuilding a new life because I need to -- for myself and for my son.  I look at the postcard as a positive reminder of the time we had together; not a maudlin reminder of a loved one who is no longer with me.

What do you think of keeping a loved one's momentos?  What has been your experience?