Happy 4th of July!

Happy Birthday America!

Today we celebrate Freedom, Democracy and Liberty all wrapped up and delivered in the most patriotic manner possible: parades, dressing up in red, white and blue, cookouts and fireworks!  Isn't that what makes America great?

Hopefully, you don't have to work today and you can relax and enjoy the company of family and friends on this holiday marking the signing of the Declaration of Independence that formally announced the colonies' break from British rule.

Today we also give our heartfelt thanks to our U.S. armed forces and their families who protect and die for our freedoms.  Thank you for your many sacrifices.

Have a festive and safe 4th of July!!

Wedding Rings

The summer months bring many celebrations, mostly weddings and graduations, and this summer I have been to both.

Each is  a joyous event where the participants are beginning new futures either as man and wife or hopefully as a careerperson.  But today, weddings are on my mind.  Specifically, the rings and vows you exchange when you get married.

Nothing so publicly represents your marriage to others as wearing a wedding ring.  Whether it's a diamond or a simple gold band, a ring on your left hand symbolizes the emotional commitment you made to another person.  You are telling everyone that your heart and your life belong to someone else.

So what happens to your wedding rings when your spouse/partner dies?  Should you continue to wear your wedding rings?  Or do you take them off?

This is a HUGE issue for widows and widowers.  Technically, you aren't married anymore when your spouse dies but of course you still feel married.   I know lots of widows who continue to wear their wedding rings and would never think of taking them off.  And that's okay.  It's a personal decision and you have to listen to your heart and do what you think is best for you.

In my case, I wore my wedding rings for about two years after my husband's death.  I didn't plan it that way.  It just evolved.  The first year was a year of survival so I really didn't think about my rings.  During the second year, I started playing around with taking my rings off but for some reason it didn't feel right.  

One day, I remember looking down at my hand and staring at those rings and thinking, "I'm not married anymore.  My husband is no longer living.  I don't have a husband."  I slid took them off my finger because I knew it was time to say good-bye to that part of my life.  My finger looked so bare and vulnerable.    As I put them away in a special box, I thought back to our beautiful winter wedding and smiled.

I didn't discuss any of this with my son.  With all that was going on in his life at the time, I honestly never thought he would notice my hands and whether I was wearing rings or not.  But I was wrong.  One day I was turning a light on and he looked at my hand.  "Mom, where are your rings?" he asked me.  There was a slight note of worry in his voice and I think at first he thought that I might have lost them.

"I took them off," I said quietly.  "Daddy's been dead for two years.  I'm not married anymore and it doesn't feel right to be wearing my wedding rings when I don't have a husband."

"But I want you to put them back on," he said. 

"Why?," I said.  "I don't get it.  Why do you care if I have my wedding rings on or not?"

He hesitated.  "Because I think they protect you," he said.  "Please put them back on."

I hugged him and then explained to him that it was going to be okay and that this was the right thing to do.  He kept looking at me like I was making a big mistake but I said he had to trust me.  It was hard at first but now things are turning out to be okay and I've never regretted taking my rings off.

But that's my decision.  It doesn't mean it's the one for you.  You need to do what is comfortable for you.

If you're not ready to take your wedding rings off, then you could move your rings to your right hand, you could wear your rings on a chain around your neck or you could have the rings made into other pieces of jewelry for yourself or your children. 

Or you could just keep wearing your wedding rings for as long as you wish.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question.

Just as everyone finds their own way to mourn the loss of their loved one, so it is also true for wearing your wedding rings.

Christmas Sighting

In the hustle and bustle of eating, talking and being with my wonderful family yesterday on Christmas Day, I received a unexpected present that I think others who have lost loved ones will be able to identify with.  Maybe this has happened to you but you didn't tell anyone else about it because you figured they would give you that look that says, "Okayyyyy. Rigghhhttttt."

My son and I were at my parents house and all of my siblings, nieces, nephews were gathered to celebrate Christmas.  There was lots of activity -- electronic and human --.and everyone was enjoying catching up with each other and just hanging out and basking in Christmas.

I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and talking to my niece.  While in the kitchen, I could also see into the family room where some football game was on the wide screen television and most of the food was in that room.  Thus, most of the men were camped out there.  As I was talking to her, out of the corner of my eye, I swear that I saw my late husband sitting in the chair that was only a few feet from me.  I saw his profile and he was dressed in khakis and a maroon sweater.  It was a split second thing and I quickly turned my head fully to see it again and then it was gone.  I loved that it happened because it was comforting, sort of a sign that he was with us.  Not scary at all!

You might say that I imagined it because I was thinking about him and I guess that could be the case.  But then again it could be the magic of Christmas.  Believe.