Divorce v Death

I'm not sure why people compare getting divorced to losing a spouse.

But they do.

Hmmmmm.  One of these things is really not like the other.

Yes, both situations are the end of something, but one is final and the other is not.

Both situations are traumatic and force you to assess your life and eventually rebuild it in a new way.

But the death of a loved one is final.  You will never see that person again.

With divorce, you might feel like you never want to see that person again but they're still alive.

Lots of widows and widowers hear this comparison but that doesn't make it true.

Shortly after my husband's death, I had a couple of people make the same comparison to me and I thought it was weird but then I heard from others about the same thing.  Recently, I read the following on another woman's Facebook page.  Having been widowed for six years, this woman thought she had heard it all until another woman said to her, "My husband had to work on Saturday, so I know what it's like to be you."  The widow thought to herself: "REALLY?  Did he come home for dinner?  Then, no you don't."

 

If you're still not sure of the difference between divorce and death, here is a short video made by a young woman named Kim Richardson.  She makes her point quietly and effectively.  The video was tweeted yesterday by a support group in South Carolina called Widows of Opportunity (www.widowsofopportunity.)

 

 

Working Through Emotional Pain

 

Sunrise off the coast of Ireland

 

 

At one time, I thought that if you ignored something unpleasant it would go away or solve itself on it's own.

 

And sometimes that actually does happen: people move away, they change jobs or people decide to transfer their children to another school.

 

But for the big emotional stuff -- grieving, divorce, abuse, illness -- I find you have to face it and slowly work through the painful issues to get to the other side of it and eventually heal your inner self.  I have found that if you ignore the emotional pain from these traumas, the pain only becomes worse and unfortunately, it takes a lot longer to heal.

 

Sometimes we cannot heal on our own as hard as we may try and when that happens you may find that you need to talk to a professional or find a support group which may help you work through your painful experiences.  I say thank goodness these resources exist so that we can take advantage of them!

 

In the October 2012 issue of Oprah magazine, I found some words of wisdom from Iyanla Vanzant that may help you take the first steps to dealing what has happened to you.  Iyanla Vanzant is the host of OWN's Iyanla's Fix My Life.  Here is her take on how to get past emotional pain:

 

"Everything we experience -- no matter how unpleasant -- comes into our lives to teach us something.  To move on from something difficult, look for the lesson.

 

Start by asking yourself: If this is the way things are supposed to be, what can I learn from it?

 

Think about how you may have contributed to the painful experience, or if there was anything you could have done to prevent it.  Often we don't realize the lesson because we'd rather avoid reliving the pain.  But once you allow yourself to reflect on the sadness, anger, guilt, or shame you've been hiding, those feelings will begin to subside.

 

Yes, someone hurt you.  Once you've forgiven them and let go, you can move forward and begin creating the life you desire."

Why Did I Come Into This Room?

       This morning I got in the car and put the key in the ignition when my mind started wandering back to the house, to the kitchen in particular, and I wondered, "Did I unplug the tea kettle?"

It is embarrassing to admit but when I am leaving the house, there are many, many times when I cannot remember whether I turned something off.  I generally have a mental list of the same things that I need to do every day so why does this happen?

I really try to prevent going through the house over and over to recheck myself, but still the "forgetting" happens.

My friends and I make jokes about our so-called short attention span in the house.  It sounds ridiculous but I can start doing something in one room and then find something that takes me to another room and I suddenly remember I need to start the laundry which takes me to another room.  On top of that, I can't tell you how many times I find myself in a room and I think to myself (or even say out loud): "Why did I come into this room?"  It's so inefficient!

 Once I was driving to Mass and we were late.  I was a couple of blocks from church when I realized I had left the dryer running!  Of course, I had to drive back and turn it off, but what really made it bad was the silence from my husband and son. Not. One. Word.  To me, that's worse than listening to the complaining about my mistake.

 For those of you who find yourselves in a new life situation because of a death or a divorce, you may be in throes of trying to find interesting and efficient ways of dealing with closing up the house by yourself on a daily basis. 

Just as we share our thoughts and emotions concerning bereavement, we may also be able to help each other adjust to being solely responsible for the house, the car, the shopping and other things by sharing tried and true “survival tips.”

              A friend of mine has started us off in the right direction by thinking of the wonderful idea of the following two “survival tips” – things that helped her when she was newly bereaved:  

1.      Make a list of things that need to be done before leaving the house and check them off as you get close to the front door:

-- Did I lock the doors?

-- Are all appliances turned off?

-- Did I turn on or off the lights?

-- Do I have my keys?

-- Glasses?

-- Wallet?

-- Medications?

2.      As you finish taking a pill, turn the bottle or pill container upside down after taking the medication to signal to yourself that you’ve taken the medication for the day.

I would love to hear from others who also have tried and true "survivor tips" that work for them.  

Please share!  We're all in this together.  Many thanks!! 

Calgon, Take Me Away

The world around us can be dynamic and sometimes intense.

If channeled in a positive direction, being around people who are intense and dynamic or situations that are dynamic and intense can be a good thing; even a great thing.  It can be the fuel that gets the creative juices started and sometimes can bring about breakthroughs or solutions in otherwise stuck situations.

But if you are already feeling overloaded or overwhelmed by being the single parent (either widowed or divorced) who works full-time, takes care of the house, the children and the finances, then maybe for your own sake it's time to take a temporary break from the strong emotions and go far away from the madding crowd.

You can probably feel that you are getting close to blowing a gasket as in "if one more person comes to me with a problem, I think I will loose it." 

That "I've had enough" feeling reminds me of a popular commercial for bath salts that ran on television many, many years ago.  The commercial would show the average stressful day in a woman's life and then you would hear the tag line of "Calgon, take me away."  Next you would see a bath tub full of bubbles, inviting the viewer to run to the store and buy a box of Calgon for inner peace.

I think there's something to this drugstore remedy because the thing that you might really like to do to relax is either too expensive, illegal or maybe both.  It's important for single parents to make themselves a priority and take care of themselves just as well as they take care of others.  I think I can definitely spring for a box of Calgon and turn off the phone and the computer.

CVS, you better be open late tonight!