Willing To Wonder

 

 

I do not at all understand

the mystery of grace --

only that it meets us

where we are

but does not leave us

where it found us.

 

          ~ Anne Lamott

Exiting The Control Lane

It is Friday and I am one big burnt piece of toast!

It has been a week of going to the hospital (hopefully my Dad will be discharged today), car maintenance (way too expensive) and early starts at work (hate the alarm).  But I am truly looking forward to the end of today because that is when my well-deserved vacation begins!!!!!!

As hard as I try to maneuver around the built-in stress of the above situations, I am just a human being like anyone else and I do get sucked into worrying about all of these things instead of having faith that they will eventually get solved or will eventually be handled.

This where managing my expectations comes in.  For some reason, after all these years, I still think that if I treat a person nicely that they will treat me nicely.  NOT!  I really have to work on cutting loose my expectations of a situation and just let the situation happen.  Not to say that I should just lay down and let life roll over me but I need to tell myself that there is a difference between trying to control a situation and going into a situation with an open mind.

Photo Courtesy of Associated Press

The Elite Daily has come up with a list of the 20 things we need to let go of in order to be happy and I think it's a good solid list for all of us to consider.  I would say that #20 is an area I need to definitely focus on a lot; like every day; like all the time.  I do unfairly disappoint myself because I set my expectations higher than I should and then come away wondering why something happened the way it did. 

Instead, I should learn to sit back and let things develop.

Check out the list for yourself and see what you think.  If there is an area that you think you need to focus on in your life, please share below.  So without further discussion, away we go!

Here's the list from the Elite Daily:

http://elitedaily.com/life/20s-things-you-need-to-let-go-to-live-happy-life/

Cheerios With Nana

While watching television last night, this commercial came on twice and I had to stop and watch it both times.

 

It's only 31 seconds but it's so sweet!

 

It reminded me of my wonderful Nana and how I miss her so much.  She died a long time ago but she is still very special to me and also to many, many of my cousins.  We all adored her!  How I would love to be at her house today just to hear her talk or sing or play the piano.  I think food also brings back strong memories of loved ones; either because of something they would make or something they loved to eat and perhaps you ate it with them.

 

Photo Courtesy of Cheerios

 

For my Nana, it is a coffee cake recipe that she would make and you could eat it hot or cold.  I believe it is a recipe she made up herself and she called it Snapdoodle.  Being a child of the Depression, Nana would say that anyone could make this coffee cake because the ingredients would be things that you would always have on hand in your kitchen or cupboard.

 

Everyone loved Snapdoodle and when Nana made it, it was a treat!  Just like her, Snapdoodle has simple straightforward ingredients but it makes a lasting impression of something sweet and basically good.

 

I'm sure you must have a Nana in your life or someone who might have filled the role of a nurturing Nana for you.  If this person is still with you, give her a call today or give her a hug.  If she's no longer with you, then talk to her, for I bet she can still hear you and is still looking over you.

 

Cheerios or Snapdoodle, it doesn't matter which one.  Loved ones stay with you forever.

 

Here's the Cheerios With Nana commercial:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSNAdo9Czns

Your Personal Path

Unlike many things in life, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

There's really just your way.

 

Whether it's through talking, crying, or slowly processing your feelings privately, grief must be acknowledged.  If you try to suppress your grief feelings, they will only come back later on and sometimes they come back in unhealthy ways.

 

 

Even though others will probably try to suggest that you should do certain things at certain points in your grief process, it really and truly is up to you and what you feel comfortable doing.  There is no schedule.

Some people bury their feelings and hope that their sadness will go away on its own because life feels like a bad dream.  Others talk openly about their loved one and try to constantly share the fear, disappointment, frustration and guilt of their stories.  Many people find it comforting to set up memorials to their loved one and the process of setting up such a memorial starts the healing process for them.

 

But grief shakes us to the core and makes us question aspects of our lives that we once took for granted.

Below is a different kind of story about grieving that appeared on the website Hello Grief (www.hellogrief.org).  It is a story of a woman who grieved privately, away from others as she searched for the facts and the reasons for her loved one's death.  She tried to use the process of searching for answers as a distraction so she wouldn't have to think about what happened to her.

 

This story is one more way of creating a dialogue about grief and coming to an understanding about the complicated yet personal way that people decide to process their feelings of grief:

My Life As An Analytical Griever
By Emily Clark

How being an intellectual helped – and sometimes hindered – my grief.

Numerous studies have been done over the years that look at the ways that people grieve. A number of theories about the styles or patterns of grief have evolved from this research. Perhaps one of the best theories I have heard over the years contrasts emotional and analytical grieving.

Emotional grievers are probably the people we stereotypically imagine – loud outbursts of emotions and tears, heavily dependent on those around them, weeping on the shoulders of friends and strangers alike, fully immersed in the emotion of grief whether they are in public or at home.

Analytical grievers, on the other hand, are the people who often get a bad rap when it comes to their grief. These are the grievers who often experience their emotions when they are alone – they save the crying, weeping, and wailing for when they are alone. For me this usually meant breaking down in the car on the way to or from work or, when I just couldn’t take it anymore, in my office at work (thank goodness I didn’t work in a cubicle).

Because analytical grievers don’t often display much emotion in public, people around them often think they aren’t grieving “correctly” or at all. I remember a family member telling me 9 months after my husband had died that he didn’t think I was all that heartbroken because he hadn’t seen me ever cry. The truth was, I cried all the time. For hours and hours, every day. I just did it when I was by myself and didn’t have to worry about what others might think or how uncomfortable I might make them feel. It wasn’t until much later on in my grief journey that I realized that letting go and crying in public from time to time might actually have made me feel better. It would have saved me hours of agony trying to hold in my emotions as they built up and built up until I burst.

We analytical grievers also spend a great deal of time and our grief energy on trying to figure things out and get things done. For some this could mean hours poring over medical researching online, filling out forms, reading every book on grief possible, planning a funeral, or taking up every ounce of busy work available. While my family sat around scratching their heads in confusion, I insisted on going over every detail of my husband’s vehicle accident, over and over. I read the coroner’s report, witness testimony, and practically interrogated the first officers on scene until even they couldn’t take it anymore. I insisted on seeing what was left of my husband’s wrecked vehicle, despite all advice to the contrary. I immersed myself in book after book, seeking out literature that might hold the key to saving me from the mess I was in. For me this was all a part of trying to understand the how and the why of what had happened. I needed information. I needed answers.

Sadly, these answers never came. With every new detail I acquired, I felt as if I understood less and less. All the facts in the world couldn’t take away the simple truth: that my husband was gone and never coming back. Over time, my obsession of analyzing his passing became a distraction from my grieving. Rather than facing the truth and finding healing, I was distracting myself from the pain. Well…as much as one could anyway.

Eventually I began to realize that I would always be left with a multitude of unanswerable questions, and let myself drift into an ocean of pain and emotion. While I never lost that tendency towards trying to “intellectualize” my grief, I began to appreciate and embrace my emotional side as well. There was a delicate balance between trying to understand and just letting myself feel.

So if you or someone you know is grieving, I urge you to take a moment to consider your own grief style as well as theirs. Instead of questioning the way they express themselves, try to remember that there is no right way to grieve. For some, our comfort is in being alone and keeping busy. For others, healing comes from crying on the shoulder of a friend (or stranger). Whatever the case, I urge you to embrace your grieving style and respect the grieving style of those around you.

Our thanks to guest author Emily Clark for sharing her story here with us. You can read more of Emily’s journey through young widowhood on her blog.

Quietude

I am constantly reminding myself to chill out: when I am driving to and from work, when I am at work, or when I am in a situation where my expectations are not even close to matching up to reality.

 

Add to the equation a traumatic event such as the recent bombing at the Boston Marathon and the resulting increased security and it's no wonder that you, me and others are on edge.  Stressed out.  And the toll that stress takes on our physical health and mental well being is daunting.

 

I don't think I am alone in feeling this way.  No wonder people are finding it difficult to get along.  The work-hard-get-ahead lifestyle eventually catches up with you whether you admit it or not.  If you don't feel well, you're not going to act well.

 

So I'm thinking that we all can take it down a couple of notches and play better together.  One way that I try to play better with others is to remind myself to lower my voice.  If I can keep my voice in a monotone volume when talking to others then that does a lot to calm me.  I have a tendency to get excited when I am talking and then have a bad habit of raising my voice.  I'm getting better at achieving this but it's still something I need to constantly work on.

 

 

 

It's all about inner peace; a state of mentally and physically being in a calm place.  Peace of mind is generally associated with bliss and contentment.

 
Looking within myself to quiet my conflicts and trying always to smooth the rough edges is one way for me to try and get to a place of inner peace.  If I don't try to find and practice inner peace, then I can't very well go out in the world and deal with others in a civilized manner.  It really starts within me.

The words to John Lennon's infamous song, Imagine, come to mind:

 

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

 

From big worries in your life to small inner butterflies, together let's look within ourselves and give inner peace a chance.

 

Finding The Words

I think the hardest thing about writing is writing.

 

                                               ~ Journalist, Author and Screenwriter Nora Ephron

During Sunday night's Academy Awards ceremony, tributes were paid to those in the film industry who passed away in the last year.  Nora Ephron most certainly was a bright twinkling star in her own right and the producers of the show chose to display the above quote in her honor.

Ephron was a keen observer of American culture and especially the stormy and romantic relationships between men and women.  Like most things Ephron wrote about she is spot on about trying to write. 

 

Writing is trying to get the words together in one sentence to reveal a truth.

Writing this blog for my readers is a wonderful, sometimes magical thing.  It has helped me process the grief of losing my husband and, in turn,  I do hope that it has helped others of you out there also trying to make sense of a loss whether it is a husband, a wife, a child, a parent or a good friend.  I never want anyone to feel isolated or alone in their despair.

 

Writing is something I feel I have to do and each time I sit down at the computer keyboard to write to you I try to do my very best.  Sometimes I feel I hit the bar of accomplishing what I set out to do and other days I wish I had a better brain so that something more insightful would have hit the page.

 

I enjoy writing but it also can be frustrating to find the right words to convey what I am feeling.  There is nothing more frustrating than staring at the blank screen and you know what you want to say but just don't know how to say it.  Writing can sometimes feel like trying to nail jello to the wall: elusive and messy.

 

Writing in particular about grief and a person's ability to bounce back from a loss is a tricky mission.  When I post my thoughts, I want to explain how shocked, how painful, how alone, how outside yourself you feel when someone you loves dies and how you feel totally lost.  But I don't want to sound whiney, dramatic or self-absorbed. 

 

Grief is a personal subject, almost intimate, yet it also univeral.

 

Whether you want to or not, at  some point in your life you will experience grief.  I can't say what it will be like for you or how long it will last because everyone's grief is different.

 

I also want to let you know that through my blog posts that with the passage of time, and it has been nine years for me since my husband died, the journey improves.  Step by step, day by day, you move forward.  It is slow and some days you may not feel the will to go on but that probably means you need to rest and recoup to garner strength.  You may not know where you are going but the act of moving helps you work through your jumbling emotions.

 

I have found that it takes positive energy, support from friends and family and a healthy way of living.  I know you will find your way.  It will reveal itself to you.

 

Thank you for reading Cry, Laugh Heal!!!  My readers are the best and I love hearing from you!!!

Roll The Dice

 

 

A Road in County Kerry, Ireland

 

I am comfortable with the fact that part of achieving something in life means taking a risk.  I'm not talking about a risk to your personal safety or health but an action that is out of your routine and a little out of your comfort zone in your personal or work lives.

 

I think that living life means that you should take a chance on something you want to achieve.  I am watching four extremely talented people in my life right now who are really putting themselves out there and working creatively as well as very hard to accomplish something very big for themselves and it's exciting to watch. 

 

But taking chances, on occasion, means that you also need to be prepared for the idea that it might not work out.  That can be okay because I would rather take a chance and find out what happens when I roll the dice on a dream than not take a chance at all. 

 

I feel it's better to look at the information you have, access the risk, and go for it rather than look back later and regret that you didn't try something different or new.

 

We all suffer setbacks now and then.  That's life.  The setbacks help us appreciate our triumphs and the hard work, imagination and support that what went into achieving them.

 

Think about what is really important to you and go from there.

 

Find what is right for you. . . .

 

Don't Wait -- Put It In Writing

When we miss someone, we sometimes search for something they gave us, such as a handwritten note, or something that belonged to them, such as a piece of clothing.  Seeing, touching and even smelling something they once used helps us feel closer, as though the person were with us.

Whether the person died or moved away, you are feeling sad and you need to find something that will help you work through this lonely moment and perhaps even help you feel stronger for the future.  Handwritten letters or cards are particularly valuable.  I think everyone has a letter tucked away in a drawer or in their memory that they received from someone they loved or respected.

What could be better than a note from someone who took the time to sit down and write their heart out to you?  The person's thoughts to you are frozen on the paper and to make it extra special, their thoughts are in their handwriting.

I don't think an email, while important and a common form of communication today, will ever evoke a warm and fuzzy feeling like a personal handwritten note.

The sister of a colleague of mine at work wrote the following touching story that was recently published in the Buffalo News.  As soon as I read it, I had to share it with you.  It is truly beautiful and reflects the human journey of crying, laughing and finally reaching a place of healing after a loss is experienced.

Thank you Melissa!!!!!!!

Handwritten Letter Is Timeless Memento

By Melissa Knights Bertrand
Buffalo News
July 28, 2012

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From the time my kids could pick up a crayon, I have been ridiculously sentimental about everything they have ever penned, from scribbles and stick figures to beautiful poems, stories and sentiments. Consequently, I am overwhelmed and inundated with paper!

Many mommies I know have this little battle each day with the amount of paper that comes in versus the amount they are able to recycle or file away before the next day's backpacks are unzipped and explode onto the kitchen counter tops. While most are practical and discerning, ridding themselves of all but the important pieces, I have a difficult time parting with anything my kids have ever drawn or written.

For years this has plagued me. How could an organized purger like me struggle so to dispose of even the most trivial scraps of paper? It dawned on me recently that handwritten sentiments, in all their simplicity, are amazingly powerful, and my connection and unusual attachment to them is deeply rooted in a loss that will forever color my world.

For 28 years, I have missed my Dad every day. Father's Day has always been particularly empty. He died when I was in high school, cancer quietly and quickly staking its claim on his unsuspecting 38-year-old body, robbing our family and the world of an amazing light. Best known for his hilarious sense of humor and goofy antics, he was kind to all who crossed his path and truly liked by those fortunate enough to know him.

He adored his family, had sun-worn good looks and a soft spot for spaghetti and Elvis. In the numb months that followed his untimely death, most of his belongings were donated or carefully preserved and tucked away. Among the few items that remain are letters he wrote to my mom, sister, brother and me from his hospital bed in his dying days.

I cannot fathom how I would ever express all that I needed to say if I knew I were leaving my kids to go on without me. I can barely complete the thought. I suspect this act gave Dad a measure of comfort and peace, writing what was impossible to speak. As my memories of him fade, his handwritten letter to me is all that I have left of him - a man and a life personified on a piece of notebook paper.

I encourage everyone to tell the people you love how you feel about them. Put it in writing - your beautiful handwriting. Tell them all the things you might find hard to say out loud - your feelings, memories, regrets and dreams. Share how loving them has impacted your life. It doesn't have to be deeply philosophical or the least bit perfect, just you. In this era of texts, tweets, emails, blogs, Facebook and other impersonal electronic communication, your handwritten words will be a timeless memento and beautiful legacy of your life and relationships for generations to come.

This year, I pledge to make peace with all the paper and organize it in some sane fashion, perhaps even toss a little. In honor of Father's Day, I framed Dad's letter so I can read it every day and marvel at the beauty of his penmanship, as well as his feelings and wishes for my life.

What was once too painful to read now graces the top of my dresser as a daily reminder that we are only promised today. I am so grateful to have something as personal and profound as this to cherish and remember.