Taxi Dad

Today's post is a shout out to all of the men out there who have lost their wives or partners and are working hard to juggle the never ending responsibilities of working a paying job while raising their precious children.

I think that women in this situation tend to receive more attention than men due to the sheer numbers of women who find themselves widowed with young children.  But men are also out there too doing their part and running around -- as all parents do -- trying to keep all the plates in the air.

 

I was reminded of this earlier in the week when I jumped into a taxi and had a casual conversation with the young driver.  It was one of those casual chats that starts out as nothing but then it became more.   We were talking about the cost of living in Washington, DC and the price of gas and then it evolved into stories about our children and life's priorities.

 

The taxi driver had two children, one who just started college and the other who was around 10 years old.  He tapped the dashboard to show me the picture of his younger child which he had taped by the driver's wheel.  "This is the reason that I don't work on weekends even though that's the time I could make a lot more money," Taxi Dad told me.  "My wife died in 2009 from cancer so I am doing it by myself, you know?  I don't have time to go crazy and spend money and time on other things.  Do you know what I mean?"

 

Yup, I told him, I did know what he meant. 

 

I have been a single parent for ten years and being a single parent, just like being a parent with a spouse or partner, is a lot of hard work.  It's also incredibly rewarding and sometimes heartbreaking.  Many times I found myself in uncharted territory in ways I never imagined and sometimes I got through the day by just going with my gut instinct as I tried to be both Mom and Dad.  Whether it's something that happens at school, a decision to be made about a friend's party or sharing the car, I second guessed myself a lot.

 

Instead of saying, "I don't know.  I'll have to talk to your father about this," I would try to buy some time on making a decision by just being honest and saying, "You have to give me some more time to think about this."  Sometimes, I would call a friend and sometimes I would call one of my sisters but you definitely need someone you can talk to whose judgment you trust because you need parental feedback and I didn't have anyone else to help me figure it out.

 

I think widowed Dads probably learn to set up their own support systems and find other guys or family and friends to help them navigate the surprises of trying to work a job and raise children by themselves.

 

Taxi Dad is just one of thousands of Dads out there who try to arrange their work schedules to support their children's needs just as women do. 

As my ride and our conversation ended, it felt good to share our stories about how we handled our losses and connect for a short time with another parent who had also lost a spouse.  Me and Taxi Dad are doing our best and that's all we can ask of ourselves.

 

Here's to the Dads who man up every day and make it work!  

Daddies Day





Here's a big shout out to all of the wonderful men out there who love and provide for their beautiful children.  If your Dad is no longer alive, I hope you tell funny and sentimental stories about him today or think about the special things you did together.  I'd also like to give some recognition to the fantastic men who continually reach out to the children who need a Dad in their lives.

Father's Day is a celebration of all Dads and all of the important emotional and material contributions they make for the good of their families but it is a day full of contradictions for me.  My wonderful father is still alive but sadly my son's is not.

I think my son handles this incredibly well and I think his father would be very proud of the young man he is today and is still becoming.  It has been a journey of ups and downs but on the whole he deals with his emotions in this area better than I would if I were in his shoes.  I don't know what it feels like to be a guy so it's hard to know exactly what boys need.  Yes, all children need love but I remember reading in a book about boys that at a certain age their fathers need to help them cross that emotional bridge over into the male world because listening to your Mom just doesn't cut it with the guys.  I guess if your Dad isn't there to do that for you then your male friends do it for you.

Talking about what Father's Day means to my son is a mixed bag.  He says he remembers his Dad but sadly a lot of his memories are filled with hospitals and uncertainty.  My son has a photo album filled with pictures from happier times but he was very young and remembers only bits and pieces.  We know that his Dad could have made smarter health decisions but at a certain point you can only do so much.  It is hard to watch other fathers and sons interact because it makes me wonder what it would be like today if my husband was still alive and healthy.  I often wonder what it would be like if my husband were alive, but Father's Day seems to really drive home the point.

My husband subscribed to the idea of working hard and playing hard and eventually the effects of that lifestyle caught up with him.  He had been in and out of the hospital for two and half years before his death and when he died our son was thirteen, a vulnerable age in the best of times.  My son and I talk honestly about this subject because I believe it is better to talk about your thoughts than to keep them to yourself.  Ignoring the anger, frustration or anxiety only makes it worse.

Today also reminds me how much my husband loved being a father, not only to my son but to his four other children who are all so very special.  I think he tried to make sure that all of his children felt his love for them and that they knew how precious each of them was to him.  He did have a silly side that he was not afraid to share with them, playing word games and making up funny nicknames for them.  But there was also another side of him that he showed only if you didn't do something you were supposed to, such as work hard in school.  It was then that you entered the "no bullshit zone" and he used something they all call "The Voice." You can imagine what that sounded like.  My father's version of the "The Voice" was pursing his lips and giving you "The Look." 

Today I see glimpses of their father in all of them and it's a beautiful gift that always makes me smile.  He was definitely a father from the old school and that meant that work got in the way of spending time at home many more times than the children liked.  But that happens to many fathers, including my own, and I understand why.  Men define themselves through their work; it is what keeps a roof over their families' heads and it is what bonds them to other men.  In the case of my father, he held down three jobs to generously provide for his six children and I still can't figure out how he did it.

To my Dad, I say thanks for showing me the value and rewards of hard work and living life passionately.  Also a big thanks for being the kind of Dad who let me and my siblings drink our cereal from a glass, sleep on top of the bedspreads, spend summers at the beach, pay for our parking tickets and make us feel totally loved and cherished.  You're the best!!!!!

Happy Father's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!