Pushing Those Emotional Buttons

I have three sisters and two brothers who are younger than me.  Yes, I am the oldest of six children and we are very close in age.  Such a cast of loved ones has made, and continues to make for many great stories and many great memories.

 

I would say I talk to at least one of my sisters every day and sometimes I talk to all three of them during the coarse of one day.  That's a lot of yakking, right?  Not really because we also email and text each other.

 

In our own unique ways, each one of us has learned that life can be fabulous yet fragile.  Our conversations reflect those learning experiences and as such have become a lot more open and honest.  We have learned the hard way that even though you know what button you can push to get a reaction from a fellow sister, that it's not a good thing or even a kind thing to push it.  Pushing the button can sometimes instantly take away all the good feelings that we worked so hard to create and then you find yourself walking back a lot of what you said and doing that wastes a lot of time and a lot of energy.

 

 

Your emotional buttons will always be there but I have found that even if the button is pushed you have a responsibility to yourself and the other person not to react the way you did when you were younger.  In other words, just because something is said, it doesn't mean you have to take it personally or emotionally and go off the deep end.  Most of us find there is already enough drama in our daily contacts with strangers, we certainly don't need an extra dose in our personal lives.  I think you can acknowledge that you know the button's been pushed but then you can say something like, "Okay, I know that what you just said made you feel a hell of a lot better, but let's talk about what's really going on here."

 

Life is just too short to carry around a lot of emotional baggage every day.

 

You have to figure out when to let go of a behavior and change course.  Think of how much mental energy it takes for you to think about what happened to you, what was said to you, who said it, and then stir it all up until it becomes some kind of foaming emotional cocktail that you carry around with you every day with a big cherry on top.

 

I'm tired just thinking about it. 

 

Instead, I try to jump back from what happened, look at it, figure out what my foolish role was in it and learn something from it.  If an apology is needed, I apologize.  If the person is just venting, I ask if that is what is going on.  If I am annoyed, I go back to the person (not always right away) who got under my skin.  Like the other day, I caught myself.  I could feel that I just wanted to argue the old way of saying something sarcastic.  But I stopped myself, and put myself out there a bit and said, "I don't want to argue.  I just want to find a solution."

 

Take time to reflect on the negative things that happen to you because we can learn from them (ouch!) but don't make those things that annoy or hurt you the centerpieces of your life.  You are so much better than that.  At some point, you have to let go of it and toss it away.

 

Otherwise, the negativity will feed on itself, leaving little room for the great and good things that life will definitely bring your way.

 

Happy, Feliz, Joyeux,

Photo By Carla Culbertson Cranston

 

If only we could live our lives just as these two beautiful children are!

Spontaneously and happily!

But here's the thing: WE CAN!!!

Surpringly, we have more control over our happiness than you would think.

Current research shows that part of our happiness is determined by our temperament or personality.  Many people believe our personalities are locked in from birth because it comes from our DNA.  That's great if you have a bright, sunny personality.  But if you have a sour, negative personality, and you want to be happier, there is are some things that you can do to change.

 

This research also shows that another part of our happiness is determined by our active point of view of the world, our neighborhood, our jobs and the people within all those places.  How we think about all those different places; in other words, our outlook, is either on the positive side or the negative side.  But we do have control over how we see things and what we think about all that.

Focusing on the positive can determine our chances for feeling happy about life on Planet Earth.

 

I'm not trying to say that everything should be viewed as full of goodness and sweetness and light.  That's not realistic.   

 

For sure negative things will happen to us and when they do we can absorb the crisis and look at it directly and honestly.  I have dealt with the death of my husband and raising a child by myself. It's not easy but I dealt with it by taking baby steps and believing that things would eventually get better.

No one can control what happens to us but we can control the way we react.  If there is a life crisis, you can be mad, you can vent, you can cry, but in the end you have to find a healing place within yourself where you can feel some peace and happiness.

I was skeptical when I first read this following story about cultivating happiness that was posted on a website called Purpose Fairy (www.purposefairy.com).  But after reading it and really thinking about it, I think it's empowering.  Take from it what you need and use the different steps that you need to help you jump start a fresh point of view:

12 Scientifically Proven Steps To Happiness

Here are the 12 scientifically proven steps to happiness discussed by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book – “The How of Happiness”.  Sonja is a Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside and her work which at one point also focused on the possibility of permanently increasing happiness, has received a great deal on attention from TV stations, radio stations, magazines and newspapers all over the world.

1. EXPRESS GRATITUDE

The life you are now living, express your gratitude for it, the mistakes you made in the past and all the lessons you’ve learned, express your gratitude for them. Look for the good in your life and appreciate it.

The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get. ~ Oprah

2. CULTIVATE OPTIMISM

Expect the best from life and you will receive the very best. Life doesn’t care whether you are a pessimist or an optimist, whether you focus on the good or the bad, whether you expect the worse or the best from life. Life will treat you exactly the way you expect to be treated and if that’s the case then you should definitely start cultivating your optimism.

The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose. – Kahlil Gibran

3. AVOID OVER-THINKING AND SOCIAL COMPARISON

Our lives and where we are right now are the result of all the thoughts we had since birth up until now. If you don’t like something, see if you can change it but if you can’t change it, don’t stress about it and just let it go. Change your attitude towards life and life will change its attitude towards you. Look for ways to be better than you used to be and not better than anyone else. Spend your time and energy improving yourself and your life and you will no longer feel the need to compete and compare yourself with others.

Stop thinking, and end your problems. What difference between yes and no? What difference between success and failure? Must you value what others value, avoid what others avoid? How ridiculous! ~Lao Tzu

4. PRACTICE ACTS OF KINDNESS

Be kind to others and to yourself and you will be happy.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama

5. NURTURE SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS

Go out and meet new people, socialize, get interested in what others are doing and they will automatically get interested in what you are also doing.

6. DEVELOP STRATEGIES FOR COPING

Work on developing strategies for coping by observing your thoughts and playing with your mind. Be the lab scientist and not the rat.

There are times in everyone’s life when something constructive is born out of adversity… when things seem so bad that you’ve got to grab your fate by the shoulders and shake it. ~Anon

7. LEARN TO FORGIVE

Learn to forgive yourself and those people who might have hurt you in the past. The moment you forgive, you free yourself from pain and you allow happiness to enter your life once again.

 

Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.” Wayne Dyer

8. INCREASE FLOW EXPERIENCES

Work with your unique gifts and talents, work with your passions, manage your weaknesses but cultivate your strengths and by doing so you will increase the flow experiences and become more happy.

Everyone has unique gifts and talents. What you love is what you’re gifted at. To be completely happy, to live a completely fulfilled life, you have to do what you love. ~Barbara Sher

9. SAVOR LIFE’S JOY

Look at the Sun, look at the trees, look at the beauty of nature, beauty of life and savor it all.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault

10. COMMIT TO YOUR GOALS

If you want to be happy, you have to have goals. Know what is it that you want from life, ask for it and trust that in the end you will receive it. Make sure you set all kinds of goals, personal goals, career goals, adventure goals, contribution goals and by doing so you will have a sense of direction, security and trust into your life.

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things. ~Albert Einstein

11. PRACTICE RELIGION/ SPIRITUALITY

Religion/spirituality makes people feel safe and secure, it gives them strength when in danger and faith when in doubt. There is an invisible force that created us all and this force is watching over us. By knowing this you become a lot happier and at peace due to the fact that you feel you are not alone.

The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge. ~Einstein

12. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. ~Jim Rohn

Your body is your temple and the way you feel internally will reflect externally. Exercise whenever possible, make sure you drink plenty of water- water is life, and eat as healthy as possible.

Good for the body is the work of the body, good for the soul the work of the soul, and good for either the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau