Kindness In a Me, Me, Me Culture

No matter what our age or place in life, we always remember the people who are kind.

 

For instance, during the homily of a friend's funeral, I found myself sitting by myself because I had a arrived a little late and my friends were in another part of the church.  As I listened to the beautiful words of the priest's eulogy, I put my head down as tears began to roll down my face.  I will never forget the simple gesture of the woman sitting next to me who gently put her hand on top of mine for a few minutes.

 

Simple acts of kindness remind us that we are all in this together and if we help each other out, it will go a little easier.  Plus, being kind makes you feel better about yourself.

 

There have been a lot of stories in the news recently about bullying.  Not just regular ole bullying that has been around since the beginning of time, but fierce, relentless, coldhearted bullying that continues to the point that the targeted person takes their own life.  I'm not going to go into all the factors that drive this new kind of bullying although I have my own theories. 

 

Kind behavior is not a show of weakness. Kindness and manners can be thought of as the same thing.

 

 

 

Which is essentially, acting on the idea that life is not all of about you or me.  Kindness is thinking beyond yourself to how the other person feels. 

 

You might not think being kind is important until you are on the other end of someone else's mean behavior to you.  And then, very quickly, you have a light bulb moment and you then probably get it.

 

According to Letitia Baldrige, who was Jacqueline Kennedy's chief of staff in the White House and America's number one best-selling authority on manners, when a child asks "Why do I have to be kind?" the answer should be careful but immediate.

 

Baldrige says that like a winning pitch in a baseball game, The Golden Rule should be tossed out as an answer whenever possible.  "The Golden Rule?", says the child.  "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

 

"Yes", says the parent.  "Here is The Golden Rule: Think how you would have felt if you were in his/her place and a stranger helped you -- just like that.  You'd be grateful!"

 

Baldrige advises to avoid nagging children about being kind or constantly using their good manners for that turns a positive into a negative.  "A child who is constantly told how bad or selfish he/she is will start to believe it and not care about the rewards of kind manners," Baldrige writes in her book, Letitia Baldrige's More Than Manners! 

 

Instead, whenever an opportunity presents itself to point out or make an editorial observation about someone else's kindness or good manners, you might say to the child, "Wasn't that great of him/her to do that?"  Or maybe, as the parent, you can show your child what it is like to pay it forward.

 

Holding the door for another person, saying hello, saying good-bye, keeping your mean thoughts to yourself, saying please, turning off or putting away your cellphone when someone is talking to you, helping a disabled person across the street.

 

It's a mad, mad, mad world out there sometimes and the little things, such as kindness and good manners, only take a few minutes to practice and they make life run so much smoother!

 

 

 

From A Child's Heart

 

 

 

I was browsing through two of my Letitia Baldrige books on manners while writing and posting last week about her recent death and came upon a very touching chapter she wrote on how a child learns to communicate a kind thought.

I was immediately drawn into the chapter because in today's world, it is a bit unusual to come across a child of any age who says "please" and "thank you" all on their own.

In Baldrige's book, "More Than Manners! Raising Today's Kids to Have Kind Manners & Good Hearts," she discusses the need to teach young boys and girls how to write a thank you note or at the very least, a thank you email.  Of course, she says, the children will complain and won't want to do it, but still it's important to teach them how to communicate with others and learn how to put their thoughts into words.

 

Also, most children love to receive mail that is delivered to their house and writing a note shows them that they can learn to give of themselves as well as receive from others.

Thank you notes and letters to Santa Claus are the most common type of correspondence a child will engage in but there are also other kinds of letters a child might write.  Specifically, Baldrige says, she has seen letters of condolence from children that are truly special!

My mother taught me in elementary school how to go up to someone at a funeral or a wake and sincerely say "I am sorry for your loss" but I don't think I could have written a note.  Especially to a friend or playmate my age.

 

But the secret is to speak from the heart.

 

I will now quote directly from Baldrige's book because her words are perfect and this child's letter really touched me deeply:

"I have seen many unforgettable written communications children have sent other children.  They have an impact that reaches far beyond the person who opens the envelope.  One letter of condolence written truly from the heart was composed by an eleven-year-old girl with a mild case of dyslexia.  She wrote to her best friend, the daughter of a lawyer friend of mine, on the occasion of the lawyer's wife's death.  Not only did he borrow that letter from his daughter to show to his family and all the neighbors, but he sent copies to all of his friends, and showed it to all of his close business associates.  He gave it to me to read at the beginning of a seminar in New York.  The young girl had written to his daughter:

Dear Maureen,

I'm very sorry to hear that your Mom dyed yesterday.  I know she ment lots to you, and you meant lots to her.  Your're rite, she was a very spesial Mom.  She was so nice to us kids, even when we ate her kake when she said not to.  No one made choclat kake like her.  You must be fealing sad.  Some day you'll see her again in heven.  She must have lots of friends up there.  (I hope she won't have to make too many kakes.)  When can you come over to play? I bot a new game, really neet.  Come over this wekend.  I dont want you and your Dad to fel sad."

Oh my goodness!  Is that not the sweetest letter ever?

I had to share it with you...this child's wisdom and ability to express emotion blew me away.

Letitia Baldrige -- Classy & True

Letitia Baldrige

When I hear Letitia Baldrige's name, it makes me sit up straighter and try to be better behaved.

Baldrige, 86, was a walking encylopedia on what to do and what not to do in social situations and with her passing last week comes the unofficial closure on a time in American life when class and sophistication counted for something.  Also known as "Tish," Baldrige became a public name when she worked in the White House as chief of staff and social secretary to First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy. After her years at the White House, Baldrige then forged a high-profile and very successful career as an author and top executive in corporate life, selling milllions of books on manners, business conduct and human behavior.

Baldrige also achieved additional notoriety when she landed on the cover of Time magazine which called her "the leading arbiter of manners."

Unfortunately, the practice of good manners today is not very important and I see evidence of it every day no matter where I go. Rudeness is met with more rudeness and no one seems embarrassed by their bad behavior. People ask questions of strangers that are none of their business or people feel free to comment to strangers on what they might be wearing, eating or doing.  Why do we care about doing and acting a certain way when we are with others?  Because good manners smooth out life's rough edges and make it possible for all of us to work, socialize and just get along.

Good manners serve as guideposts, if you will, and help everyone know what is expected of them in certain situations.  From funerals and baby showers to weddings and christenings, knowing some of the basics of social editquette can help you feel comfortable when you find yourself in unfamiliar territory.

"For every rude executive who makes it to the top," she wrote in her "Complete Guide to Executive Manners" (1985), one of her numerous and popular guides to navigating social situations, "there are nine successful executives with good manners."

Don't ever doubt the power of saying a sincere "I'm sorry" to someone you know who has suffered a loss or making sure to say the magic words of "please" "thank you" and "excuse me."

Those words will never go out of style.