20 Things We Need To Say

Today is about something light and healing because lots of people will be traveling so that they can spend Thanksgiving Day with those they care about.

I love Kid President and his ability to make me and many, many others smile and laugh about the crazy things that happen in the unpredictable world around us.

He's irresistible!  I hope you agree!

 

Kid President

This new video is particularly cute (especially if you like corn dogs) and timely as Kid President reminds us of 20 things we need to remember to say more often to each other because these words repeated on a regular basis could make life go a little smoother for everyone . . . . . especially on Thanksgiving Day.

Here goes:

Kindness In a Me, Me, Me Culture

No matter what our age or place in life, we always remember the people who are kind.

 

For instance, during the homily of a friend's funeral, I found myself sitting by myself because I had a arrived a little late and my friends were in another part of the church.  As I listened to the beautiful words of the priest's eulogy, I put my head down as tears began to roll down my face.  I will never forget the simple gesture of the woman sitting next to me who gently put her hand on top of mine for a few minutes.

 

Simple acts of kindness remind us that we are all in this together and if we help each other out, it will go a little easier.  Plus, being kind makes you feel better about yourself.

 

There have been a lot of stories in the news recently about bullying.  Not just regular ole bullying that has been around since the beginning of time, but fierce, relentless, coldhearted bullying that continues to the point that the targeted person takes their own life.  I'm not going to go into all the factors that drive this new kind of bullying although I have my own theories. 

 

Kind behavior is not a show of weakness. Kindness and manners can be thought of as the same thing.

 

 

 

Which is essentially, acting on the idea that life is not all of about you or me.  Kindness is thinking beyond yourself to how the other person feels. 

 

You might not think being kind is important until you are on the other end of someone else's mean behavior to you.  And then, very quickly, you have a light bulb moment and you then probably get it.

 

According to Letitia Baldrige, who was Jacqueline Kennedy's chief of staff in the White House and America's number one best-selling authority on manners, when a child asks "Why do I have to be kind?" the answer should be careful but immediate.

 

Baldrige says that like a winning pitch in a baseball game, The Golden Rule should be tossed out as an answer whenever possible.  "The Golden Rule?", says the child.  "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

 

"Yes", says the parent.  "Here is The Golden Rule: Think how you would have felt if you were in his/her place and a stranger helped you -- just like that.  You'd be grateful!"

 

Baldrige advises to avoid nagging children about being kind or constantly using their good manners for that turns a positive into a negative.  "A child who is constantly told how bad or selfish he/she is will start to believe it and not care about the rewards of kind manners," Baldrige writes in her book, Letitia Baldrige's More Than Manners! 

 

Instead, whenever an opportunity presents itself to point out or make an editorial observation about someone else's kindness or good manners, you might say to the child, "Wasn't that great of him/her to do that?"  Or maybe, as the parent, you can show your child what it is like to pay it forward.

 

Holding the door for another person, saying hello, saying good-bye, keeping your mean thoughts to yourself, saying please, turning off or putting away your cellphone when someone is talking to you, helping a disabled person across the street.

 

It's a mad, mad, mad world out there sometimes and the little things, such as kindness and good manners, only take a few minutes to practice and they make life run so much smoother!

 

 

 

From A Child's Heart

 

 

 

I was browsing through two of my Letitia Baldrige books on manners while writing and posting last week about her recent death and came upon a very touching chapter she wrote on how a child learns to communicate a kind thought.

I was immediately drawn into the chapter because in today's world, it is a bit unusual to come across a child of any age who says "please" and "thank you" all on their own.

In Baldrige's book, "More Than Manners! Raising Today's Kids to Have Kind Manners & Good Hearts," she discusses the need to teach young boys and girls how to write a thank you note or at the very least, a thank you email.  Of course, she says, the children will complain and won't want to do it, but still it's important to teach them how to communicate with others and learn how to put their thoughts into words.

 

Also, most children love to receive mail that is delivered to their house and writing a note shows them that they can learn to give of themselves as well as receive from others.

Thank you notes and letters to Santa Claus are the most common type of correspondence a child will engage in but there are also other kinds of letters a child might write.  Specifically, Baldrige says, she has seen letters of condolence from children that are truly special!

My mother taught me in elementary school how to go up to someone at a funeral or a wake and sincerely say "I am sorry for your loss" but I don't think I could have written a note.  Especially to a friend or playmate my age.

 

But the secret is to speak from the heart.

 

I will now quote directly from Baldrige's book because her words are perfect and this child's letter really touched me deeply:

"I have seen many unforgettable written communications children have sent other children.  They have an impact that reaches far beyond the person who opens the envelope.  One letter of condolence written truly from the heart was composed by an eleven-year-old girl with a mild case of dyslexia.  She wrote to her best friend, the daughter of a lawyer friend of mine, on the occasion of the lawyer's wife's death.  Not only did he borrow that letter from his daughter to show to his family and all the neighbors, but he sent copies to all of his friends, and showed it to all of his close business associates.  He gave it to me to read at the beginning of a seminar in New York.  The young girl had written to his daughter:

Dear Maureen,

I'm very sorry to hear that your Mom dyed yesterday.  I know she ment lots to you, and you meant lots to her.  Your're rite, she was a very spesial Mom.  She was so nice to us kids, even when we ate her kake when she said not to.  No one made choclat kake like her.  You must be fealing sad.  Some day you'll see her again in heven.  She must have lots of friends up there.  (I hope she won't have to make too many kakes.)  When can you come over to play? I bot a new game, really neet.  Come over this wekend.  I dont want you and your Dad to fel sad."

Oh my goodness!  Is that not the sweetest letter ever?

I had to share it with you...this child's wisdom and ability to express emotion blew me away.

Families & Holidays

This story was published in The Washington Post this week and is soooo timely:


Michael Hershon/For The Washington Post



Holiday advice for families

By Janice D’Arcy/The Washington Post

Published: December 7, 2011

Celebrating the holidays with children can be magical, sometimes. Other times, it can be a season of migraine-inducing family problems. We asked a few experts to sort out some of the most vexing, such as navigating expectations, handling family drama, teaching children gratitude and figuring out how to explain Santa. Here’s hoping this advice gets you more joy and less jaw-clenching during the next few weeks.

How many gifts is too many?

Meredith Gelman, a Fairfax-based clinical social worker who works with parents and families, said when parents have different ideas about gift-giving, the approach should be broken into three phases: creating a recipient list and budget, discussing each other’s expectations and reasons for giving, and negotiating.

“Identify ways that you and your partner might combine each other’s gift ideas: Can you still buy at the toy store while also purchasing toys and clothing for a local needy family?” she said. She suggested involving children in the conversation, too, so they begin to understand the underlying reasons for giving gifts.

Be sensitive about Santa.

If your family has children of mixed ages, keep the Santa Claus myth alive for the youngest, said Meghan Leahy, a D.C.-based parent coach. “You take the 4-year-old to pictures [with Santa], you write the list with her, you listen for the hoofs. As the parent, you use your imagination.

“As much as a preteen would maybe love to get negative attention [for spoiling it], you simply hug him and say, ‘I believe in everything good about the holidays, and Santa is part of that in our house. Especially for your little sister,’ ” Leahy said.

For families who celebrate Christmas without Santa, Leahy warned against asking a preschooler to keep the secret that there really isn’t a Santa. “It is a truism for all kids that if you look them in the eye and say, “Please, please don’t tell the kids in pre-K that there is no Santa,” that child will march right into school with an important announcement: “There is no Santa!”

Instead, she said, “concentrate on what you do believe in as a family and say things like: ‘Some families believe in Santa, some don’t. We really believe in giving back in this house. Can you help me make a list of people we can help this holiday?’ You will notice that there was no refutation in that sentence. You simply want to highlight what the family values are.”

Christmas and Hanukkah: A peaceful coexistence

Hanukkah (starting sundown Dec. 20) and Christmas overlap this year. That makes it a good time to focus on the similarities between the two celebrations, said Jennifer Kogan, a D.C. clinical social worker.

“Parents can talk with their kids about common religious principles or themes. For example, both Christmas and Hanukkah tell the story of a miracle,” she said.

In terms of deciding which traditions to continue, she said it can be helpful for each parent to think about what they loved most about their childhood celebrations. “Is it the different kinds of cookies your mom baked in advance of Christmas? Playing the dreidel game? The scent of a Christmas tree? Latkes frying on the stove? Reading stories or singing songs with family?” The answers can provide a template for the idea of interfaith celebration for your family.

Keep family drama at bay with planning, flexibility.

Parents have to understand the traditions of extended family while protecting the needs of their own children, said Stacy Notaras Murphy, a D.C. psychotherapist and advice columnist. Talk about logistics “as early as possible,” she said, “and with as many of the key players as you can, starting with your partner or spouse.”

“Spend some time thinking about your own expectations of what, if anything, needs to change now that you are bringing small kids into the holiday scenario. . . . Don’t abdicate the decision-making to your mother-in-law. The result might be a meal schedule that simply does not work for your child,” she said.

At the same time, make an effort to be flexible on less important issues. “Kids learn how to negotiate the world based on the behavior modeled by their parents,” Murphy said. “If the holidays mean arguments, conflict with in-laws or passive-aggression for the adults, guess what kids end up believing about holidays?”

When sharing custody, stick to a schedule.

Child custody negotiations can be smoother when former spouses consider the holidays from the child’s point of view, said James J. Gross, an author and divorce lawyer in Chevy Chase. “Think about how you would feel if you sat down to Christmas dinner with one family, then had to be whisked away for Christmas dinner with another family,” he said.

Gross offered two possible schedules. In the first, parents alternate each year, from 6 p.m. on the last day of the school year until 4 p.m. on Christmas Day and from 4 p.m. on Christmas Day until 6 p.m. on Jan. 1. In the second option, one parent has the children for Christmas and Thanksgiving, and the other parent has the children for all other holidays and school vacations.

“Children also frequently feel like the separation of their parents is their fault,” Gross said. “It is important during the holidays to take time to talk to them about their feelings and reassure them.”

The key to well-mannered kids: Practice, practice.

Sara Hacala, author of the recently published “Saving Civility: 52 Ways to Tame Rude, Crude and Attitude for a Polite Planet” (Skylight Paths), pointed out what a parent may not want to hear: “Your children’s manners are more likely to shine during the holidays if they have been incorporated as part of their daily rituals, not as a last-minute attempt on a car ride on the way to an event.”

Still, Hacala said, if the kids haven’t been training for months, you can try a few last-minute strategies. “If your dining style at home is informal, but you’re concerned about a party where more formal behavior and attire is expected, have a practice dinner at home beforehand.”

Talk to children about what they can expect and what will be expected of them, whether it’s sitting quietly through a long meal or helping to serve and clean up or avoiding a food fight. She suggests role-playing at home, too, to practice introductions with eye contact and simple, polite conversation.

Get kids to say thanks and really mean it.

If Thanksgiving didn’t teach your children about gratitude, you have more opportunities this month. “During gift-giving occasions, it is important to talk about this with your kids at home before a gift is received and opened, particularly if the giver is present,” said Hacala.

“Teach your child to say, ‘Thank you, Aunt Susan’ with a sincere and appreciative tone of voice, even if he wished that Elmo were in the gift box rather than a sweater. With older kids and teens, remind them that facial expressions often speak louder than words. Regardless of age, teach your child to hand-write thank-you notes to show appreciation and gratitude; it is an admirable life-long habit.”

Hacala said children may be more likely to put pen to paper if parents explain the meaning of saying “thanks.” “It should be taught to kids that gratitude expresses appreciation for and acknowledgment of other people in our lives, which is why saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are so important, whether a person has opened a door for you or given you a gift. Doing so shows someone that you are not taking his or her gift, gesture or presence for granted.”

D’Arcy is The Washington Post’s On Parenting blogger. Read her posts at washingtonpost.com/onparenting and follow @onparenting on Twitter.