Riding The Rollercoaster

Dear Readers:

Just as you may find yourself on an emotional roller coaster, so do I.

I have days, just as you do, when things don't go well and I feel as if I am treading water or even going backwards a bit.  Writing and sharing with you the ups and downs of daily life helps me and I hope it helps you.  When you read Cry, Laugh Heal, I hope you discover that you are not alone in your feelings of bereavement and your quest to rebuild a new life.

I certainly do not have it all together all the time and who knows when I will?  Some days I reach my goals and some days I don't.  Some days I feel I have it together and then some days I screw up.  I'm just like you.

I do believe it's important to try and move forward by starting a dialogue about what happens when you lose someone you love because it is not a mainstream subject.  It is the rare and special person who listens to you really talk about what is going on. 

Sometimes it's hard to explain exactly what I am feeling because it's such a mixture of emotions, like a ride on Cyclone pictured above.  I'm happy for someone else's joy but then that makes me think about what I used to have or I'm glad when something good happens to me but then I don't have anyone who will be as happy for me as my husband would be.  I usually call my son or other family members or my close friends but it's not the same because they have their own lives.

Which is perfectly normal but it still takes getting used to.

The roller coaster part of it is that I'm not aimlessly floating along. I work hard so I can get used to my new reality and I start to think that I am getting used to it but then something unexpected happens and suddenly I'm not used to it at all and then I feel that I'm starting over.

Is this making any sense?  I certainly hope so!

This is just my roundabout way of saying that the lines of communication need to stay open and we need to keep talking to each other about what happens when you lose a loved one because somewhere in the talking and the exchanging we can find a sense that it's going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel that way at the time.

Let's ride the rollercoaster together!

Can We Tawk?



Reach out and listen

 No matter what phase of grief you find yourself in, people usually are curious to know if what they are feeling and doing is the "normal" way to handle this kind of situation.  I think this happens because it's generally an accepted social norm that grief is not a subject to be talked about as freely and as frankly as you might discuss other subjects, say food or men.

People don't bring it up because they think it will upset you, they are uncomfortable with their emotions or they just have no idea what to say.  They think they will say the "wrong" thing so they don't bring it up all.  I think it's time to get over it because it's better to say something indicating that you care about this person and what has happened to them, than to ignore the issue altogether.

At some point in your lives, whether you like or not, someone you love deeply or care about a lot is going to die.  Unfortunately, it's just a fact of life.  Even the most OCD person in the whole wide world can't change this from happening.  That's why every day is truly a gift.

It's not a fact that anyone likes to think about or deal with -- myself included -- however, there it is; out there looming for you to either pretend it won't happen to you or you can grab it and own it.

If you grab it, you have to know that it's going to be scary at first.  There's a lot of pain and soul searching involved.  But lots of us have suffered too and we're there right along side of you.  Good strong relationships among family and friends and a sense of belonging to something bigger than yourself are essential to overcoming pain and suffering and starting the process of recovery.  You are not alone.

Since we know that different people take different steps in dealing with their grief, here is some insight from food writer Julia Turshen that I hope you will agree is touching and helpful.  Turshen recently wrote about her father's grief on the website, Goop.  Here is her story:

"After the passing of my grandfather this past spring, I spent some time at home.  My family spent the immediate week deep in grief and in the strange, calm love that trails its way through grief.  One morning, days after the funeral and all the rituals we're prescribed to deal with such a huge loss, I was sitting in my parents' living room, the one my father so precisely and affectionately designed, flipping through a book.

My father came in and we talked for a moment, everything copacetic.  He was on his way out of the room when he paused ever so slightly.  He didn't say anything, there was just hesitation in his movement.  I asked him if he was okay and he replied that he was having a hard time.  I had nothing to say.  My father had just lost his parent and was experiencing an enormous vacancy that nothing could or ever will replace; the only possible comfort, it seemed, was the knowledge of the wonder that once filled the space.

It suddenly hit me that this wasn't my parent in front of me nor was it my closest friend (though he is both things).  This was someone's child and, beyond that, what he is to me was just taken from him.  In this realization, in this pretty straightforward but somehow profound realization, I hugged my father and he cried for quite awhile.  I don't know how long we stood there, it doesn't matter.  What matters is how safe we both felt, how honest and unabashed that exchange was."