Riding The Rollercoaster

Dear Readers:

Just as you may find yourself on an emotional roller coaster, so do I.

I have days, just as you do, when things don't go well and I feel as if I am treading water or even going backwards a bit.  Writing and sharing with you the ups and downs of daily life helps me and I hope it helps you.  When you read Cry, Laugh Heal, I hope you discover that you are not alone in your feelings of bereavement and your quest to rebuild a new life.

I certainly do not have it all together all the time and who knows when I will?  Some days I reach my goals and some days I don't.  Some days I feel I have it together and then some days I screw up.  I'm just like you.

I do believe it's important to try and move forward by starting a dialogue about what happens when you lose someone you love because it is not a mainstream subject.  It is the rare and special person who listens to you really talk about what is going on. 

Sometimes it's hard to explain exactly what I am feeling because it's such a mixture of emotions, like a ride on Cyclone pictured above.  I'm happy for someone else's joy but then that makes me think about what I used to have or I'm glad when something good happens to me but then I don't have anyone who will be as happy for me as my husband would be.  I usually call my son or other family members or my close friends but it's not the same because they have their own lives.

Which is perfectly normal but it still takes getting used to.

The roller coaster part of it is that I'm not aimlessly floating along. I work hard so I can get used to my new reality and I start to think that I am getting used to it but then something unexpected happens and suddenly I'm not used to it at all and then I feel that I'm starting over.

Is this making any sense?  I certainly hope so!

This is just my roundabout way of saying that the lines of communication need to stay open and we need to keep talking to each other about what happens when you lose a loved one because somewhere in the talking and the exchanging we can find a sense that it's going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel that way at the time.

Let's ride the rollercoaster together!

Hope and Healing

Courtesy of The Magic Onions

I love this picture!

Serene and peaceful, can't you feel the healing power of the flowers?  The first time I saw it, I mentally slipped into the photograph and felt the aura of  its calming vibe.  I could practically smell the beautiful flowers in the shape of a majestic sun surrounding the Nature Girl.  

 

Ommmmmmmm.  The healing is starting and it can happen for all of us but we need to be patient.  Healing takes time.  The most important thing about restoring your mental and emotional health after the loss of a loved one is to think positively: if you want to heal then it will happen for you.  Even if you don't have the energy right now to feel positive, try to keep a small positive thought in the back of your memory.  It will help to carry you through the pain.

 

Healing is defined as restoring to health or soundness, to repair or go through a process to cure your inner self.  In a sense, you are seeking to come to grips with the reality of what has happened to you.  The numbness you feel is your body's way of giving you time to catch up with your loss and the new changes in your life.

I found that the first step towards healing from the loss of a loved one is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. You may want to ignore the feelings because they are so painful but trust me, if you are patient with yourself, you can work through or process the waves of emotions coming at you.

 

Someone you cared about A LOT, someone you loved A LOT is no longer with you physically or emotionally.  It takes a long time to really deal with the shock of your loss but eventually time will help you get control of your emotions and give you the courage to continue to move forward with your life.  It has been almost nine years since my husband died and I still have setbacks.  Sometimes I will read something that reminds me of him or I see something that reminds me of him or of our life together.

I try to talk about it or I try to embrace the memory.  Ignoring or denying what has happened only makes it makes it more painful and more overwhelming.  Grief is a process and in expressing your grief you are allowing yourself to heal and to be hopeful.

It's not that you will never be happy again.  It's more that your life has changed and you won't be exactly the person that you were before your loved one died.  You must rebuild and find a way to move forward.

We each have different resources but here are some suggestions to help in your healing:

-- spend time in nature

-- listen to music

-- find a quiet place, breathe deeply and relax

-- reach out to a friend

-- join a group such as a church group or a community group

-- strengthen a family tie

-- or lie in the grass, feel the warmth of the sun and smell the flowers!

 

24 Hours

Sometimes rebuilding your life is just plain hard.  Today's choices are not the choices I want and, try as I might, I can't steer things to go in the direction I want.

This post is not about whining.  That would be unproductive.  Instead, this post is about how I still need to work on being patient.  Life is about grabbing opportunities but then it is about dealing with what it feels like when the opporunity doesn't work out the way you planned.  It's about the twists and turns of life and how I need to get better at accepting and working through stuff I don't want.  I try to stay positive and I try to break situations down so that I am not overwhelmed but honestly there are just times when life is terribly frustrating.

And that's all there is too it.

I need to prioritize and keep in mind what is really important: namely good health.  I cannot stress myself out about things that remind me of another time; a time when I was a wife, a time when I didn't have to take care of everything myself.

Backyard Garden By Kino

Today I did reach out to others for help and that made things a bit better but I wanted to talk longer and I couldn't since work was on my desk and needed to be finished. Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get home and put the day behind me.

Then just as I reached the front door of my house, ready to close the door on the day's events, I opened the storm door and surprise, surprise...two unexpected gifts awaited me: a great friend had left a bag of plump juicy tomatoes from her garden (so yummy for dinner!!) and a bag of books to read!!

Bahama Mama...Jump Back Jack...You just never know....

Love Links

In my purse I carry a post card that my husband sent to one of his oldest friends many years ago when we were on one of our annual family vacations at Bethany Beach.  He wrote some silly note about the beach, the kind of message that someone writes when they know everyone at the post office will read it before it reaches the people it is addressed to.

The friend's wife gave the postcard back to me after my husbad died and for some reason, just having that post card in my purse makes me feel connected to him.  Or maybe it serves more as a touchstone, allowing me to remember a wonderful memory.  If I am stuck on the Metro or have to wait in line somewhere and I have forgotten to bring a book or a newspaper to read, sometimes I will briefly pull out the post card to read it and look at his handwriting.  It makes me smile.  It doesn't make me sad.  I think it's because the message he wrote reflected his wry sense of humor and his outlook on life.  It's just so him.

I have questioned whether it is a healthy thing for me to carry this postcard around.  Am I being weird by looking at it from time to time?  Is it obsessive? I don't think it is, but I'm not sure.  It doesn't feel weird.  I think it would be dysfunctional if I denied to myself that he was dead and read the postcard several times a day, every day without fail.  But I don't read it every day and sometimes I honestly forget it's in my purse because there's so much other stuff in there too.  The memory of my husband and those wonderful times at the beach are just that, memories, and they don't hold me back from living my life and going forward.

An article I read recently refers to momentos such as my postcard as "links" or "likages" to our loved ones.  These links can be small everyday items that the person used or it can also be a piece of jewelry that the person once wore that you now choose to wear.

I think the idea of keeping or wearing items that remind you of your loved one can be healing and sometimes help you move through your pain and back into your daily life.  In trying to find new opportunities, you can gain inner strength and recover from your loss.  Every day I feel that I am rebuilding a new life because I need to -- for myself and for my son.  I look at the postcard as a positive reminder of the time we had together; not a maudlin reminder of a loved one who is no longer with me.

What do you think of keeping a loved one's momentos?  What has been your experience?

Paying Respects @WTC

On a bright and beautiful Sunday morning this past weekend in New York City, I finally had an opportunity to visit the memorial site for the World Trade Center.

With my brother, sister-in-law and their 12-year-old daughter, we took a taxi to the 8-acre site in lower Manhattan where the infamous Twin Towers once stood.  The site is deceiving because construction fences surround the area and you can't see the two black stone squares containing the waterfalls or even hear the waterfalls from the road.  It just looks like a regular construction site.

Getting to the memorial site is a multi-step process that involves a free ticket (you need to go online to make your reservation and print out your ticket before visiting the site) and then passing through a number of checkpoints where your entry ticket is scanned and then a larger security stop where you and everything else you own is placed in plastic tubs and run through a scanner.  Once you complete this security process, you gain entry to the historic site where you can then walk freely around the memorial and remember that fateful day when almost 3,000 people lost their lives to the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

Walking towards the black stone squares, I began to hear the sound of water falling.   It felt as though the water was buffering us from the everyday noises of the city and almost acting like a curtain, shutting out all distractions.  It is hallowed ground and people automatically lowered their voices and were respectful of each other's space as they visited.  As I began my journey to a place of quiet reflection, I thought of the horror of that day.  My relatives and I started talking about the names carved into the black stone surrounding the waterfalls -- the first responders, the people on the planes, the workers in the towers and also the people in the Pentagon who died that day. 

As New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says in the memorial's commemorative guide, the World Trade Center Memorial is "a reminder of the enormous loss suffered on 9/11, but (it) also is a symbol of hope for the future."  The hundreds of people who visited this past Sunday and future Sundays come to honor and pay their respects to the memories of those who lost their lives that day but we also come to see how this part of the city is recovering and rebuilding after the devastation of the Twin Towers collapsing. 

And isn't that what grieving and healing are about after all?  Your heart is devastated, you can't imagine any kind of future because your loss is so deep and so painful, yet you put one foot in front of the other and minutes turn into hours, hours into days and days turn into months and finally years.  It is a slow and steady process of allowing pain, anger, frustration and sadness into your life and then working through it enough to feel stronger, to rebuild and go on with your life.  It's about finding resilience within yourself.

I have found that it is possible to experience the loss of a spouse and to find my way to a different life.  There are moments when life is bittersweet but I think it is important to have faith and to be positive about your direction.  It is not a straightfordward process because one moment I found myself to be happy and then a wave of grief unexpectedly would cascade over me.  After nine years, I still struggle but I work hard to get on the other side of the pain.

I drew strength from the World Trade Center memorial, from the simple yet elegant design that draws you in and gives you a sense of hope and also from the names of the victims inscribed around the pools which are set in the footprints of the original Twin Towers.  I also found inspiration in listening to a video in the visitors centers that features people who survived 9/11.  Each heroic person talks about what happened to them on September 11 and how their lived dramatically changed.

In their own ways, these incredible people found an inner strength that allowed them to overcome their tragedy and gave them the will to carry on and slowly rebuild their lives.  Their message to all of us:  you must keep your heart open to love, for life can be profound in ways you can never imagine.

 

A Day To Remember

My niece is getting married this Saturday and everyone in my large boisterous family is looking forward to getting together and celebrating this wonderful occasion.  Months and months of preparation have gone into planning this special day and I think my sister will absolutely have a fit if it doesn't all go off perfectly!

No matter what happens, I know it will be a beautiful day, a day filled with great memories.  For me, it will be another reason why Nov. 12 stands out on the calendar.  My niece's wedding will also be sharing the date of the day my husband died.  This year will mark the eighth anniversary of his death.  My husband loved my niece very much and when she was about 3 years old we took care of her for a weekend in our 2-bedroom apartment while her parents were away.  She was the kind of child you could take anywhere and she ate anything you gave her.  He would be so happy for her and her big day and I know he would like the guy she is marrying.

Both my sister and my niece talked to me when it became apparent that the wedding date would probably end up being Nov. 12.  They had fallen in love with a particular place for the reception and it was available on Nov. 12.  They were both so excited and I was genuinely happy for them.  Never in a million years would I have told my niece that she couldn't get married on that day.

It's a hard fact to embrace, but life does go on.  In the beginning, you can't imagine that it will, but it does.  It's sort of stunning when it hits you and you arrive at the realization that you can't fence the day off and say nothing else can ever happen on this date.  From the first anniversary until this year's anniversary, I have always made sure I am out and about on that date.  I'm not saying that I don't get teary or that it doesn't hurt.  It did and it does.  A lot.

But throughout all of those anniversaries I reminded myself that I needed to raise my fantastic son, rebuild my life and stay involved.  In fact, about four years ago another one of my nieces needed me to participate in her Confirmation ceremony and it was scheduled for the day after the anniversary date.  I am her godmother too and she needed me.  Life continues to happen for those that we love and I was happy to be there to support her and sponsor her as she received this important sacrament.  Yes, the date reminds me of the sadness of losing him but I can't control that life happens.  I can only control my reaction to it.

I will be thinking of my husband during the wedding ceremony itself and how it felt to say those words to him and to hear him say them to me.  I will also be reminding myself that I was very lucky to have fallen in love with someone who also fell in love with me.  Not everyone finds love in their lifetime and I know that I did.

My husband would want me to have a good time at the reception and I know I will.  Of course, I wish he could be there but I can't spend the day replaying the slide show of our life together in my head.  We always spent a lot of time out on the dance floor and I intend to boogie with the best of them.

Maya Angelou

Talk about rebuilding your life and living courageously.  Maya Angelou is truly an inspiring woman.  Enjoy this Washington Post interview with her:

Marvin Joseph/WASHINGTON POST

Celebrated poet Maya Angelou speaks about a life well and creatively lived

By Laura Hambleton, Published: October 24

The Washington Post

Poet, writer, civil rights activist, professor, filmmaker, dramatist, singer, Grammy Award winner: Maya Angelou, 83, has also been called the nation’s premier memoirist. She was in Washington last week speaking about her long, rich life. Having come to prominence in 1970 with the publication of her acclaimed first memoir, “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” Angelou still teaches, still writes, still travels, though she is physically more limited these days. In February she was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her lifetime contributions.

Appearing at a conference organized by LeadingAge, an advocacy and education group, Angelou recounted stories of her childhood, broke into soft song, told jokes and read from her poems, including “The Health-Food Diner,” an ode to her previous life as what the poem calls a “carnivore smoking”:

No sprouted wheat and soya shoots

And Brussels in a cake,

Carrot straw and spinach raw,

(Today, I need a steak).

Her audience loved it, applauding and laughing.

Angelou, who speaks English, French, Spanish, Italian, Arabic and the West African language of Fanti, spent a few minutes before her appearance talking with The Washington Post about aging.

— Laura Hambleton


When did you start feeling your age?
(She laughs.) This morning, getting in and out of that bus. Generally, I feel good.


What is the best part about aging?
Wisdom. Enough wisdom to thank your creator, if you believe there is one, or your luck, if you don’t.


What has been the hardest?
Finding I had muscles I didn’t know I had, and joints that I didn’t know could be so recalcitrant. The physical discomfort is probably the worst.


Has aging changed your creative process?
Not at all. I am just finishing a new book. It will be my 32nd book. [My mind] is good. It’s a good mind, and I keep it active. I play word games and do crossword puzzles, acrostics and word jumbles. And I speak a few languages. I take every advantage to use one of the languages. That keeps the brain active.


What do you hold most dear?
Love. I don’t mean indulgent love. I mean that condition of the human spirit that is so profound that it can allow us to look at people and not eat each other up, to accord each other some rights and to go further than that, to try to love them, whatever that mystery is. To love people who don’t look like us, who have different complexions and different hair, and to love them. To feel empathy for pets and wildlife. It’s amazing.


And what of friends?
That is love. I don’t mean sexuality. I mean sensuality.


What is your greatest accomplishment?
My greatest blessing is giving birth to my son. [Guy Johnson, born in 1945, is a writer.]


Any regrets?
I wish I had known more, but I didn’t. I only knew as much as I did at that time. The most wonderful thing, as soon as possible, is to forgive yourself. People do only what they know what to do, not what you think they should do. Not because they were experienced or were exposed to this and went to this school and have this degree. We think they know, but not necessarily. Intellectually they might memorize certain statements. But they don’t know, in fact. When I have made mistakes, I forgive myself. I forgive anyone who comes in my earshot. I try to make sure I don’t make that one [mistake] again.

Going To The Source

There's a lot to be said for following an "information is power" philosophy when dealing with a life crisis.

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one or facing a serious tragedy that life has thrown you, it feels as though you are playing 52 pick-up.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this child's game, it's when someone takes a deck of cards and tosses all of them in the air.  The cards come flying down, willy nilly, landing wherever they want.  The player then has to put the cards back in order, similiar to what you are trying to do with your life; picking up the pieces and making it into some new.

It's definitely a crazy and vulnerable time that no one can prepare you for…..really. 

Every day after my husband died, I wondered if I would always feel this awful.  And for many, many months, I did.  You soon find out there's no roadmap that can take you to a better place so you are pretty much left to your own devices to figure it out and draw up your own.  I knew I wasn't the only person who has ever had to handle a husband’s death or raising a child by myself, so I needed to find out what was in store for me and my son.  I went searching for as much information as I could on both subjects; some were written by people with first-hand knowledge and some were written by people trained in those areas.

Articles and books written by those who have "been there, done that" are authentic, insightful and helpful in offering tried and true ways for you to adapt to your new reality.  Discovering that someone else got to the other side of a problem that is worse than yours and how they got there affirms that you can carry on and rebuild your life.  Their problem is so much worse than mine and yet they found a way to deal with it.  Maybe I can too! 

The process of sifting through facts and first-person thoughts from lots of sources continues to help me untangle ongoing dilemmas.  I'm not the only one who feels this way.  This has happened to someone else and look what they did to deal with it.

I try to take the approach that I can’t change the fact that stressful events will occur but I can change how I respond to these events.  When I start to feel overwhelmed I follow some advice one of my aunts used:  only think about the next 10 minutes.  Then when you get through those 10 minutes, think about the next 10 minutes and so on.  I have found this to be useful and calming. 

Part of this problem solving and introspection is sometimes called "grief work" as in "if you don't do your grief work then you will never really get yourself healed."  Simply put, it's a dose of plain ole introspection which can be painful because you are remembering and trying to let go at the same time.  There were plenty of times when I cried in public places – grocery stores, restaurants, church, the car -- and rambled on about things not making much sense.  Sleep was hit or miss.  But no matter how bad I felt, I tried to maintain a hopeful outlook.  Slowly, I learned how to integrate my loss into my life.

The passage of time has helped me gain more confidence and control over my emotions and my new life.  But the underlying emotions of grief still have to be acknowledged and addressed.