Philip Seymour Hoffman

I was getting ready for work yesterday morning when I turned on the radio which was tuned to NPR.  The station was airing an interview it did with the incredibly talented and award-winning actor Philip Seymour Hoffman when he was appearing on Broadway in 2012 as Willy Loman in a revival of the classic play, "Death of A Salesman."

 

It was strange to hear Hoffman's voice on the radio knowing that friends had found him Sunday in his New York apartment sadly and tragically dead of an apparent drug overdose at the young age of 46.

 

I stopped and listened as Hoffman talked about the power of the play's story and how it audibly affects each audience that sees "Death Of A Salesman," a play focusing on the waning days of an aging and failing salesman.  Hoffman sounded so calm and thoughtful in the interview, so in control. (NPR interview: http://www.npr.org/2012/04/12/150305122/philip-seymour-hoffman-broadways-new-salesman)  



Philip Seymour Hoffman
Photo By Dominique Charriau/Wire Image

And yet he had private inner struggles vying for attention, strong addictions that he was constantly fighting and trying to face square on.  Life for Philip Seymour Hoffman was intense and beautiful and all of it had to be felt and distilled and carefully brought to each role he powerfully acted.

 

Nor surprisingly, he also recognized the emotional hard work of grieving and in this interview with Yahoo Movies, Hoffman talks about what grieving is and what it is not:

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-news/philip-seymour-hoffman-told-us-grieving-225637926.html

My thoughts and prayers are with his family and may his soul forever rest in peace.

Newtown One Year Anniversary

Today we pause and pray for the community of Newtown, Connecticut and in particular for the families of the 26 victims shot in the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  At a press conference earlier this week, the families asked that people remember the 6 adults and 20 children on this tragic one year anniversary by performing an act of kindness or volunteering with a community group. 

 

You can visit their new website at www.mysandyhookfamily.org

 

Washington DC Navy Yard Shootings

There was something about the first email news alert that came into my work computer yesterday morning at 9:01 a.m.

"Reports of an active shooter at Navy Yard area.  Avoid that area."

I don't know if it was the time of day, the location of the shooter or the fact that it was a Monday that made me stare at the email and think, "This is bad."  Unsure of what parts of the city my colleagues planned to go for meetings or appointments, I immediately forwarded the Navy Yard email to everyone in my office.

 

The "active shooter" the email reported was a former Navy man who had launched an attack yesterday morning inside a building at the Washington Navy Yard, spraying gunfire on office workers in the cafeteria and in the hallway, killing 13 people.  Parts of the city were in lockdown as the police and FBI searched the city by foot and by helicopters for two other shooting suspects seen by eyewitnesses. 

Washington Navy Yard

 

I think that my instincts told me it was bad because I knew the Washington Navy Yard is the Navy's central headquarters, protected by armed guards and metal detectors and employees have to show IDs to get in.  My Washington, DC office building is located in the northwest section of the city and the Navy Yard is located in the southeast section of the city.  Fortunately, I was not physically close to the action.  But that didn't mean I felt safe.

 

I am more than aware that the subject of gun responsibility is a hot button issue in which people feel passionately but when you live in a city where a mass shooting happens, you think only about how such a senseless tragedy could have been prevented.

 

I am tired of reading about people going to work, children going to school, people doing normal things, who then end up getting shot in cold blood and dying for no reason.  It's beyond sad and it's frightening and I wonder how many more times things like this have to happen before gun responsibility becomes something we all are committed to have happen as a nation.

 

When I finally got home after reading news alerts all day that progressively got sadder and sadder, I turned on the television to listen the evening news.  I knew it would be bad but I had not been near a television all day and I needed to hear and see what was going on.  The usual news stories were broadcast at the beginning of the 7 pm nightly news, explaining how the awful events had unfolded and identifying the gunman in the Navy Yard attack killed by police as 34-year-old Aaron Alexis of Texas.



Dr. Janis Orlowski
Chief Medical Officer
Medstar Washington Hospital Center

But then I watched  as a weary woman doctor appeared at a news conference.  She was identified as Dr. Janis Orlowski, Chief Medical Officer at Medstar Washington Hospital Center where most of the victims had been taken by ambulance. The day's tragedy was reflected in her face and demeanor.  She said the words I had been yearning to hear all day.

Here is a full text of Dr. Orlowski's poignant remarks:

 

"You know what, we see a lot of trauma. And you know, sometimes it's just, you know —accidents that occur that we get to help people with, because they're accidents. And then you see what I call senseless trauma. And there is — there's something evil in our society that we as Americans have to work to try and eradicate.

 

I — I have to say, I may see this everyday, I may, you know, be the Chief Medical Officer of a very large trauma center. But there's something wrong here when we have these multiple shootings, these multiple injuries. There is something wrong. and the only thing that I can say is we have to work together to get rid of it.

 

I would like you to put my trauma center out of business. I really would. I would like to not be an expert on gunshots and not to be an expert on this. We are — we do it well. Very experienced surgeons. But, quite frankly, I would rather they were doing their surgery on other things.

 

 And you know, it's a great city. It's a great country. And we have to work together to get rid of this. Because we just cannot have, you know, one more shooting with, you know, so many people killed.

We've got to figure this out. We've got to be able to help each other. We're dealing right now with three innocent people.

 

But my prayers and my thoughts go out to those people who have died as a result of today. And, you know, their families and what they're going to have to go through. So I have to say, you know, it's a challenge to all of us. Let's get rid of this. This is not America. This is not Washington D.C. This is not good. So we have got to work to get rid of this."

Comfort Dogs

 

 

"Charlie"

 

 They say that dogs can sense when people need comforting.

 

And when dogs feel a person's fatigue, sadness or loneliness, it is in their nature to give companionship and sometimes entertainment to the person in need.

 

I have been watching the generous spirit of a new puppy named Charlie who has joined the family of one of my sisters.  Charlie is full of so much energy and love and he just can't wait for someone to hold him and play with him.  Charlie is a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel and he has an uncanny sixth sense about which person in the family needs him the most.

I guess I am discovering what others have already known about dogs and their sense of loyalty and kindness.

 

When I talk about dogs and entertainment, I definitely have Charlie in mind.  Can you imagine a dog who likes for people to put outfits on him?  Well, Charlies does and he can't wait for someone to either put a dog sweater on him or a Redskins jersey (dog size of course!).  Charlie is definitely on the cutting edge of dog fashion.

 

But seriously, Charlie has had a special healing effect on those around him and has made everyone temporarily forget the tensions and stresses of the day when he is around.  It is amazing how his sweet temperament affects everyone around him and he is especially great at providing comfort to people in the midst of serious medical treatments.

 

He will jump up in a person's lap and then suddenly be very still as the person gently strokes Charlie's cute ears or holds his small body.  In fact, Charlie offers every bit of a calming influence, and maybe more, as the infamous K-9 Parish Comfort Dogs do.

 

The K-9 Parish Comfort Dogs were brought into Newtown, CT immediately following the tragic shooting massacre of more than 20 children and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School in mid-December 2012 to ease the pain of survivors and parents whose children had died in the tragedy.

 

The K-9 Parish Comfort dogs are trained to interact with people at churches, schools, nursing homes, hospitals and in disaster situations.  According to K-9 Parish Comfort dog's FaceBook page, a dog "is a friend who brings a calming influence, allowing people to open up their hearts and receive help for what is affecting them."

 

Check out these special healing pictures of the K-9 Parish Comfort dogs doing their best to help children and adults heal and feel better about their lives:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jtes/photos-of-golden-retrievers-comforting-the-residen

Newtown, Connecticut

 

Murdering a child is an unspeakable act.

 

Yesterday's horrific tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT., which involved the shooting of 27 people, including 20 young children, leaves us asking questions about our culture and praying for the parents and the community at large.

 

As a parent myself, I try to place myself in their situation, but I cannot begin to fathom the depth of pain and shock those parents are experiencing.  My heart goes out them and I wish we could take it all away.

We must talk openly about this incident, as hard as it is, for in the talking perhaps we can prevent this kind of tragedy from ever, ever happening again.

In an effort to promote a sense of comfort and healing, I am sharing an excerpt from an article by Barbara J. Paul, PH.D.,  on this very sad subject:

Special Issues for Parents Losing A Son or A Daughter
By Barbara J. Paul, Ph.D.

Whether your child was two or thirty-two, the death of a child is perhaps the most difficult of losses.  The grief following the loss of a son or a daughter is intense and prolonged.  Why is it different from other losses?

It differs from other deaths for several reasons.

1.  It is not in the natural order of things.  Parents do not expect to outlive their children.  We tend to believe that children (of any age) don't die.

2.  The child is biologically and emotionally a part of the parent.  When a death occurs, the parents feel that part of themselves has died.

3.  Parents feel that the future is gone with the loss of a son or a daughte.

4.  The loss is shared by both parents but their reactions and resolution may differ.  Couples often depend on each other for support but overwhelmed by their own loss, it can feel impossible to support their partner.

Parents lose not only a part of themselves, but their role as a parent and nurturer.  They lose the future grandchildren or may lose contact with existing grandchildren.  These losses add to the grief.  Equally devastating may be the parents' loss of faith or belief system.

Reaction to the loss of a son or a daughter

The reaction are similiar to those of other losses, affecting parents physically, emotionally, behaviorally, and often spiritually.  For many parents, the assumptions they had about the world and how it functioned do not fit with the reality of the death of their child.

 

While each person handles grief uniquely, parental bereavement may last many years.  Particularly in the early months, parents describe rheir emotional state as either feeling totally numb or  experiencing all emotions at the same time.  Trying to make sense of what happened and finding meaning in living become major tasks.  Guilt and anger are strong and normal emotions.

 

Grief is a process, often cyclical in nature, not unlike a roller coaster ride.  One is on the ride with no control over the course.  The peaks and valleys do lessen in intensity and frequency and eventually parents find ways to adapt to living without their son or daughter in their life.  When parents are able to create an internal representaion of the child that they can caryy with them, they are able to live more fully.

Is age a factor in parental bereavement?

Yes.  The younger the son or daughter is, the more parents are involved in the cring for that child.  Daily living and routine is affected and simple tasks can become overwhelmingly painful.  Parents feel the enormous emptiness of the home and every aspect of their life.

 

With an adolescent or young adult living at home, parents are still involved with many aspects of their child's life and family routine.  These parents feel strongly about the death occuring just as the young person was beginning to live life.  Their children have begun to develop lives separate from home, and parents often look for contact and connection with the son or daughter's friends.

 

With an adult son or daughter, the daily routine of theparents may not change, but they face other challenges.  Following the death of an unmarried child, parents have to deal with settling the child's estate, their belongings, and residence.  This can be very complicated, depending on their knowledge of the child's social and financial circumstances.

 

For the parents of a married son or daughter, it is often a schock for them to realize that they are not legally the next of kin.  All decision-making power is technically in the hands of the spouse.  When a good relationship exists between the in-laws, most issues can be worked out.  When the relationship is poor, it may be helpful to have a third party as a mediator.

Melissa's Story

 

Melissa Betrand Knights (baseball cap) with her children

 

After a loved one dies, we try to find ways to stay connected to them even though they are no longer physically with us.

 

Our memories of being with that person or just of the person by themselves is a strong tie that can never be broken.  Sometimes we save a piece of clothing they wore or some everyday item that brings great meaning to us.  Being in a particular place, smelling a scent or hearing a song can bring those strong memories back to us without any notice but sometimes that is not enough.

 

We want to honor the deceased person and what their lives meant to us.  We can't control loss in our lives but we can create memorials that enable our loved ones to live on in our hearts and help us to heal and move forward.

 

Memorials can include something as big and as public as an annual award, a large charitable donation in the deceased person's name or a webpage or website set up in the person's name.  If that doesn't feel appropriate, a memorial can also be something small and personal such as a garden or a special scrapbook.

Or you could organize a walk/run event to honor, remember and support those in your community who have been touched by cancer.

This is what the Knights and Kaderli families of upstate New York have been doing for 24 years since a member of each of their families lost their fight with cancer.  The families organize their communities every year and raise money to give to families who are having financial problems while a loved one undergoes cancer treatment.

The following essay is beautifully written by Melissa Knights Betrand and was recently published in her local newspaper, The Daily News of Buffalo, NY.  Melissa is the sister of a colleague of mine, Aaron Knights, and I wanted to share their inspirational efforts to highlight how two families, in the midst of tragedy, found a positive and powerful way to remember their loved ones who had battled and sadly lost to the demon disease of cancer.

Here is Melissa's story:

 

Essay: Cancer fundraiser continues to inspire

By Melissa Knights Bertrand | Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2012 3:30 am 
      

I could see the gray light of dawn peek through my bedroom shades as I lie awake listening to the skies open up and give way to steady rain. I knew the day would be beautiful, though. Logistically, rain might change the turnout a bit, but the gathering would still be perfect. It was Oct. 6 and, as if on cue, my daily tear-off calendar read “Bring people together.” That was exactly the plan for the day, just as it had been on the first Saturday of October for 23 years.

Oct. 6 marked the 24th anniversary of the Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Walk/Run. A day when two families, together with the community, unite to walk/run the gorgeous country roads of Orleans County to honor, support and remember those whose lives have been touched by cancer. It is a day of smiles and stories, familiar faces and fun. All the money raised this day is given to financially burdened cancer patients who reside within the county.

The Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Memorial Fund was founded in memory of my dad, who lost his battle with cancer when he was only 38 years old, and the mother of our dear friends, the Kaderli Family. Our collective loss has driven us to carry out the mission of providing financial assistance to those struggling to make ends meet while undergoing cancer treatment. This charity continues to grow beyond our expectations and seems to have taken on a life of its own; with numerous third-party fundraisers hosted by families we have had the humble privilege of helping over the years.

Each year, I look forward to this day like no other and am touched beyond words when I hear stories of the ripple effects our assistance has had on so many lives. It strikes me as I look out over the crowd, that none of us knows the day-to-day struggles we each endure. Suffering, in many different forms, surrounds us every day. On this day though, we all feel a little more supported and connected to each other as we gather for the greater good. There is something magically healing about that. Perhaps this is our real mission. Wouldn’t all of our lives be that much better if we slowed down each day and made the smallest effort to connect in this same way?

This work has ignited a passion in me that has spilled over into nearly everything I do, not the least of which is my mothering. As much as it breaks my heart that my children will never know what a hilarious, beautiful soul their grandfather was, I love that this is how they know him. To them, this is his legacy. They are aware of the compassion and hope our charity provides and witness the relief and support it lends to those who need it. There is no way I could teach them these things with words, they must be experienced to be fully understood. For this, I am so grateful and fortunate.

After setting up the evening before our event, my daughter asked from the back seat, “Mommy, if your dad was alive would we still do this?” I paused, then replied quietly, “Probably not.” At that moment, for the first time ever, I wondered not what life would be like if my dad had lived, but how the lives of so many would be different if it were not for his death and the blessings the Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Memorial Fund has brought to us all. Maybe this is what peace feels like after tragedy, when goodness and grace transcend grief and sorrow, though I’m still not sure. What I do know is that our mission has helped fill the hole left behind by tremendous loss, given immeasurably back to our families and, most importantly, allowed those living with cancer the chance to focus on getting well.

In her book “The Happiness Project,” author Gretchen Rubin writes “we expect heroic virtue to look flashy, but ordinary life is full of opportunities for worthy, if inconspicuous, virtue.” What a joy it is to be surrounded by virtue and the heroes of this amazing small community!

 

 

 

Going To The Source

There's a lot to be said for following an "information is power" philosophy when dealing with a life crisis.

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one or facing a serious tragedy that life has thrown you, it feels as though you are playing 52 pick-up.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this child's game, it's when someone takes a deck of cards and tosses all of them in the air.  The cards come flying down, willy nilly, landing wherever they want.  The player then has to put the cards back in order, similiar to what you are trying to do with your life; picking up the pieces and making it into some new.

It's definitely a crazy and vulnerable time that no one can prepare you for…..really. 

Every day after my husband died, I wondered if I would always feel this awful.  And for many, many months, I did.  You soon find out there's no roadmap that can take you to a better place so you are pretty much left to your own devices to figure it out and draw up your own.  I knew I wasn't the only person who has ever had to handle a husband’s death or raising a child by myself, so I needed to find out what was in store for me and my son.  I went searching for as much information as I could on both subjects; some were written by people with first-hand knowledge and some were written by people trained in those areas.

Articles and books written by those who have "been there, done that" are authentic, insightful and helpful in offering tried and true ways for you to adapt to your new reality.  Discovering that someone else got to the other side of a problem that is worse than yours and how they got there affirms that you can carry on and rebuild your life.  Their problem is so much worse than mine and yet they found a way to deal with it.  Maybe I can too! 

The process of sifting through facts and first-person thoughts from lots of sources continues to help me untangle ongoing dilemmas.  I'm not the only one who feels this way.  This has happened to someone else and look what they did to deal with it.

I try to take the approach that I can’t change the fact that stressful events will occur but I can change how I respond to these events.  When I start to feel overwhelmed I follow some advice one of my aunts used:  only think about the next 10 minutes.  Then when you get through those 10 minutes, think about the next 10 minutes and so on.  I have found this to be useful and calming. 

Part of this problem solving and introspection is sometimes called "grief work" as in "if you don't do your grief work then you will never really get yourself healed."  Simply put, it's a dose of plain ole introspection which can be painful because you are remembering and trying to let go at the same time.  There were plenty of times when I cried in public places – grocery stores, restaurants, church, the car -- and rambled on about things not making much sense.  Sleep was hit or miss.  But no matter how bad I felt, I tried to maintain a hopeful outlook.  Slowly, I learned how to integrate my loss into my life.

The passage of time has helped me gain more confidence and control over my emotions and my new life.  But the underlying emotions of grief still have to be acknowledged and addressed.