Letitia Baldrige -- Classy & True

Letitia Baldrige

When I hear Letitia Baldrige's name, it makes me sit up straighter and try to be better behaved.

Baldrige, 86, was a walking encylopedia on what to do and what not to do in social situations and with her passing last week comes the unofficial closure on a time in American life when class and sophistication counted for something.  Also known as "Tish," Baldrige became a public name when she worked in the White House as chief of staff and social secretary to First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy. After her years at the White House, Baldrige then forged a high-profile and very successful career as an author and top executive in corporate life, selling milllions of books on manners, business conduct and human behavior.

Baldrige also achieved additional notoriety when she landed on the cover of Time magazine which called her "the leading arbiter of manners."

Unfortunately, the practice of good manners today is not very important and I see evidence of it every day no matter where I go. Rudeness is met with more rudeness and no one seems embarrassed by their bad behavior. People ask questions of strangers that are none of their business or people feel free to comment to strangers on what they might be wearing, eating or doing.  Why do we care about doing and acting a certain way when we are with others?  Because good manners smooth out life's rough edges and make it possible for all of us to work, socialize and just get along.

Good manners serve as guideposts, if you will, and help everyone know what is expected of them in certain situations.  From funerals and baby showers to weddings and christenings, knowing some of the basics of social editquette can help you feel comfortable when you find yourself in unfamiliar territory.

"For every rude executive who makes it to the top," she wrote in her "Complete Guide to Executive Manners" (1985), one of her numerous and popular guides to navigating social situations, "there are nine successful executives with good manners."

Don't ever doubt the power of saying a sincere "I'm sorry" to someone you know who has suffered a loss or making sure to say the magic words of "please" "thank you" and "excuse me."

Those words will never go out of style.

 

Wedding Rings

The summer months bring many celebrations, mostly weddings and graduations, and this summer I have been to both.

Each is  a joyous event where the participants are beginning new futures either as man and wife or hopefully as a careerperson.  But today, weddings are on my mind.  Specifically, the rings and vows you exchange when you get married.

Nothing so publicly represents your marriage to others as wearing a wedding ring.  Whether it's a diamond or a simple gold band, a ring on your left hand symbolizes the emotional commitment you made to another person.  You are telling everyone that your heart and your life belong to someone else.

So what happens to your wedding rings when your spouse/partner dies?  Should you continue to wear your wedding rings?  Or do you take them off?

This is a HUGE issue for widows and widowers.  Technically, you aren't married anymore when your spouse dies but of course you still feel married.   I know lots of widows who continue to wear their wedding rings and would never think of taking them off.  And that's okay.  It's a personal decision and you have to listen to your heart and do what you think is best for you.

In my case, I wore my wedding rings for about two years after my husband's death.  I didn't plan it that way.  It just evolved.  The first year was a year of survival so I really didn't think about my rings.  During the second year, I started playing around with taking my rings off but for some reason it didn't feel right.  

One day, I remember looking down at my hand and staring at those rings and thinking, "I'm not married anymore.  My husband is no longer living.  I don't have a husband."  I slid took them off my finger because I knew it was time to say good-bye to that part of my life.  My finger looked so bare and vulnerable.    As I put them away in a special box, I thought back to our beautiful winter wedding and smiled.

I didn't discuss any of this with my son.  With all that was going on in his life at the time, I honestly never thought he would notice my hands and whether I was wearing rings or not.  But I was wrong.  One day I was turning a light on and he looked at my hand.  "Mom, where are your rings?" he asked me.  There was a slight note of worry in his voice and I think at first he thought that I might have lost them.

"I took them off," I said quietly.  "Daddy's been dead for two years.  I'm not married anymore and it doesn't feel right to be wearing my wedding rings when I don't have a husband."

"But I want you to put them back on," he said. 

"Why?," I said.  "I don't get it.  Why do you care if I have my wedding rings on or not?"

He hesitated.  "Because I think they protect you," he said.  "Please put them back on."

I hugged him and then explained to him that it was going to be okay and that this was the right thing to do.  He kept looking at me like I was making a big mistake but I said he had to trust me.  It was hard at first but now things are turning out to be okay and I've never regretted taking my rings off.

But that's my decision.  It doesn't mean it's the one for you.  You need to do what is comfortable for you.

If you're not ready to take your wedding rings off, then you could move your rings to your right hand, you could wear your rings on a chain around your neck or you could have the rings made into other pieces of jewelry for yourself or your children. 

Or you could just keep wearing your wedding rings for as long as you wish.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question.

Just as everyone finds their own way to mourn the loss of their loved one, so it is also true for wearing your wedding rings.

A Day To Remember

My niece is getting married this Saturday and everyone in my large boisterous family is looking forward to getting together and celebrating this wonderful occasion.  Months and months of preparation have gone into planning this special day and I think my sister will absolutely have a fit if it doesn't all go off perfectly!

No matter what happens, I know it will be a beautiful day, a day filled with great memories.  For me, it will be another reason why Nov. 12 stands out on the calendar.  My niece's wedding will also be sharing the date of the day my husband died.  This year will mark the eighth anniversary of his death.  My husband loved my niece very much and when she was about 3 years old we took care of her for a weekend in our 2-bedroom apartment while her parents were away.  She was the kind of child you could take anywhere and she ate anything you gave her.  He would be so happy for her and her big day and I know he would like the guy she is marrying.

Both my sister and my niece talked to me when it became apparent that the wedding date would probably end up being Nov. 12.  They had fallen in love with a particular place for the reception and it was available on Nov. 12.  They were both so excited and I was genuinely happy for them.  Never in a million years would I have told my niece that she couldn't get married on that day.

It's a hard fact to embrace, but life does go on.  In the beginning, you can't imagine that it will, but it does.  It's sort of stunning when it hits you and you arrive at the realization that you can't fence the day off and say nothing else can ever happen on this date.  From the first anniversary until this year's anniversary, I have always made sure I am out and about on that date.  I'm not saying that I don't get teary or that it doesn't hurt.  It did and it does.  A lot.

But throughout all of those anniversaries I reminded myself that I needed to raise my fantastic son, rebuild my life and stay involved.  In fact, about four years ago another one of my nieces needed me to participate in her Confirmation ceremony and it was scheduled for the day after the anniversary date.  I am her godmother too and she needed me.  Life continues to happen for those that we love and I was happy to be there to support her and sponsor her as she received this important sacrament.  Yes, the date reminds me of the sadness of losing him but I can't control that life happens.  I can only control my reaction to it.

I will be thinking of my husband during the wedding ceremony itself and how it felt to say those words to him and to hear him say them to me.  I will also be reminding myself that I was very lucky to have fallen in love with someone who also fell in love with me.  Not everyone finds love in their lifetime and I know that I did.

My husband would want me to have a good time at the reception and I know I will.  Of course, I wish he could be there but I can't spend the day replaying the slide show of our life together in my head.  We always spent a lot of time out on the dance floor and I intend to boogie with the best of them.

There Is A Season (Turn, Turn,Turn)

"Turn! Turn! Turn!," a classic pop song performed by the Byrds in the 1960's, has been playing in my mind recently.  The music was written by Pete Seeger and the lyrics were adapted from the Book of Ecclesiastes.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

Maybe it's the change in seasons dovetailing with graduations, weddings, engagements and milestone birthdays, but it feels as though the times, they are a changin'.

A time to be born, a time to die,

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time time to weep

My relatives and friends are transitioning into new chapters in their lives and it's exciting to watch as the occasions are marked with "pomp and circumstance," rings and vows and lots and lots of birthday candles.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn,Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

These events also remind me that life doesn't wait for you to get yourself together.  Whether you're ready or not, it's going to "keep on keeping on" and that's just the way that it is.

 

As a friend of my husband's used to say, "Life is not a dress rehearsal.  It's the real deal baby."

 

There are going to be many times when you need to take a break from the daily rush of life's activities after you have lost a loved one.  You'll need that break to evaluate what's happened, and slowly rebuild something new for yourself.  There may be many people who are uncomfortable with your grieving and want you to "get back to normal."

 

But guess what? 

 

There is no "normal" and you're not on anyone else's schedule.  No matter where you are in the process, you'll find that life is still out there waiting for you to jump back in and join it again.

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

You will always have your memories.  No one can change those for you.  It is important to hold onto them but not in an obsessive way.  Sadness may still exist for you, but with time you will gain more control over your emotions and become more confident about which way to go.

To Everything (Turn,Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn,Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven