A Broken Christmas Ritual

I can't tell you why but for the first time in many years, I didn't place a Christmas wreath on my husband's marker at the cemetery.

 

I thought about it.  I was going to do it.  But then I never did get around to it.

 

I'm hoping that this doesn't make me a bad person.

I'm really hoping it just makes me a conflicted human being dealing with life the best way I know.

Every Christmas since he died 10 years ago, I have made a personal ceremony out of placing a large Christmas wreath with a big red bow on his grave.  It was a healing ritual that made me feel good and I thought it also was a ritual that would let him know that I had not forgotten about him at Christmas.

 

But this year it all felt very different.  I couldn't bring myself to buy the wreath and take it to his grave.  I didn't want to drive my car anywhere near the cemetery. 

I don't understand it but I think it has something to do with the trickery of grief.; how you think you are on solid footing and then you're not.  I used to emotionally bounce all over the place in my new grief of the first few years and since then, I have been working hard to go forward with my life, stay positive and embrace happiness.  Yet my feelings shifted this Christmas.  Out of nowhere, a powerful surge of conflicting emotions washed over me.  I have to say that having this happen is truly a bummer because I don't like being sucked back into those feelings again.

Honestly, I think one reason I couldn't go near the cemetery is I just get tired of grieving and missing him and reminiscing and being the widow.  I find it hard now to think of my husband actually occupying the physical space that makes up his grave and to me it's more likely that he, as a spiritual being, hangs out wherever he wants with whom ever he wants anytime that he wants.

  

Still, my inner voice says to me that it was almost as if I was annoyed that he wasn't here this Christmas!!  You would think I would have felt this way the first Christmas after he died instead of the tenth Christmas!

But grief isn't linear and it certainly isn't logical right?
 

The Circle of Life

It's the holiday season and wreaths are everywhere.  Doors, windows, large buildings and small, I see them indoors and outdoors, even on trucks and cars.  Evergreens, berries, pinecones, and magnolia leaves, the materials that wreaths are made of today seem endless.  If they're not chock full of tacky plastic stuff, wreaths are welcoming signs, hopeful signs and even peaceful signs.

Wreaths are also a sign of faith in humanity and its circular shape represents eternity, for a wreath has no beginning and no end.   Wreaths have been with us since the ancient Greeks and Romans when wreaths were awarded to victors in sporting events.  Today, Christians continue the tradition of using wreaths for special occasions by displaying Advent wreaths in their homes at Christmas time.  Advent wreaths have four candles: three purple and one pink and one candle is lit each week of Advent with a prayer to help prepare for Christ's birth on Christmas.  In Scandanavia, wreaths feature candles as a sign of hope for the future light of spring.

  

I always hang a wreath on my front door every Christmas and my sister, who is excellent at making bows, makes a new bow for me every couple of years.  Besides my home, I also always buy a wreath to decorate my husband's gravesite marker.  Lots of people do this.  It's not a strange or weird thing to do at all.  A few years ago, I remember the New York Times ran a story on this subject.  The story wrote about a cemetary in Los Angeles and said that decorating a loved one's grave site is now a "populist yuletide ritual" practiced by thousands of Americans.  

I know that it's definitely true in my little area of the world because the cemetary where my husband is buried looks like some kind of extreme Christmas decorating set out of HGTV.  Driving through the gates, I see all sorts of wreaths decorated in every single color you can imagine and these wreaths lay side-by-side with small Christmas trees and other decorations that signify the season of Christmas and bring comfort to people during this time of year.  My wreath is rather plain compared to the others but I don't care.  It's just a traditional wreath made from greens with a big red bow but it looks great to me

I have a small metal stand that the wreath lays on and then I wire the wreath to the stand to withstand exposure to the animals and the winter elements.  I like to do this because it's my way of wishing my husband a Merry Christmas and while I am setting it all up I like to talk to him about what's been going on.  I'm sure he probably already knows about the things I tell him, but I do it anyway because I like to talk to him when I am there.

If no one is around, I just talk out loud about what's happening to me, what's happening with his children, and generally the things we would normally talk about.  This past Sunday, the sun was shining and the ground was soft as I set up my husband's wreath for another Christmas celebration.  As usual I talked on and on about everything.  I'm sure he was covering his ears at a certain point and probably was thankful when I stopped talking.

To those of you who have never done this or even thought about doing it, it may seem strange to decorate a grave site and sustain a one-sided conversation with someone who is not physically present.  Rest assured, it is not unusual.  You may eventually find yourself doing it someday.  It will make you feel better as it makes me feel better.  You'll be connecting with someone you love and care about and that's what the season of Christmas is about.

In case you are interested, here is the link to the New York Times story:

www.nytimes.com/2007/12/23/us/23grave.html?pagewanted=all