The Good Wife Grieves

Television doesn't always get it right when trying to show the raw emotional effects a person experiences after learning of a death but Sunday's night's episode of The Good Wife came very close.

 

As is true in real life and acted in The Good Wife, everything instantly changes as each character finds out that attorney Will Gardner (Josh Charles) has been shot in a courtroom shootout and killed by his own client: the look on a person's face, the tone of their voice, the way they carry themselves.  Something gets turned off.  There is a dazed and dull feeling after being jolted with the sad news about Will.

 

The changes are especially dramatic for Alicia Florrek, who is sensitively played by the wonderful actress Julianna Margulies.  When Alicia is told at a high profile public appearance that there is a telephone call she must take, she is hesitant to take the phone.  As the shocking news of Will's death is tearfully delivered to her, Alicia says the sentence that I have heard so many people say and it's a sentence I have found myself saying when receiving the news of a person's death: "But I just saw him yesterday."

 

Or I just saw them an hour ago.  Or I just spoke with them.  Or I just had lunch with them.

 

It's as if the act of just seeing, speaking or eating with a person is a kind of shield that protects them from death.  I know that's not the case.  It's illogical.  But I think it's human nature to blurt out that they couldn't possibly be dead because you just had contact with them.  It's just not possible you say to yourself as you try to wrap your brain around the unthinkable news.

 

 

What does active grieving look like?  After every person on The Good Wife receives the tragic news about Will, you then see they are focused on holding on to anything relating Will: a memory, a conversation, any information about what he said in his last minutes alive.  No one wants the connection to be broken, no one wants to deal with the idea that they will never see Will again.  Alicia goes to the courtroom to talk to the judge and to see the crime scene.  She needs to know what happened to Will in the most graphic way possible.

 

But this is the thing about death.  Even though your mind knows that the person is dead, you continue to imagine seeing that person appear before you wherever you may go and this is also what happens to Alicia in The Good Wife.  She leaves the courtroom and goes to the hospital where Will was brought after he was shot and as she stands at the nurse's station she sees Will smiling, making a joke and talking to her.  These kind of imaginary sitings really happen in real life too. 

 

She flashes back to different conversations that she and Will had; conversations that reflect their complicated relationship of being lovers and ex-colleagues of the same law firm.  Alicia recalls Will's anger when he found out that she was starting her own law firm and he then accuses her of stealing his clients.

 

If only she could have one more conversation with him then they could to straighten everything out.  Everyone always wants to have one more chance to talk to the beloved friend, spouse, child or friend and Alicia also longs to hear Will's voice.  She checks her phone and then discovers a voice mail from Will left on her phone that was recorded before the shots were fired in the courtroom.

She carefully plays the voice mail over and over, listening to his voice and taking in each of his words. The voicemail is a part of him and she doesn't want to let it go because if she does then it will be true that he is dead and that is too much for her to bear.  Too painful to think about.  Too confusing.

Alicia's journey is just starting.

Lea Michele & Cory Monteith

Songs are touchstones; expressions of personal thoughts, emotions or memories.  An outpouring of experiences.  Songs can transport and inspire and also energize.  Songs can also help the writer and the listener process emotions of loss or grief.

 

Actress and singer Lea Michele had been working on her new album, Louder, many months before the tragic and sudden death of her boyfriend, actor Cory Monteith, who died from a toxic mixture of heroin and alcohol.  Michele and Monteith also connected professionally, playing high school sweethearts on Fox's award winning series, Glee.

With the recent release of Louder, Michele is giving candid interviews about Monteith and she recently recounted that Monteith had privately listened to and critiqued many of her new songs and he sent her notes about his thoughts on the album as she continued recording.

 

Naturally, Michelle's work on Louder stopped after Monteith's death on July 13, 2013.  While mourning the loss of Monteith, Michele searched for songs to add to the album that would reflect her feelings of spinning out of control and songs that might explain to others the depth of what it felt like to be without Monteith, how much she loved him, and how scared she was to go on without him.

 

She found a song titled Cannonball; a song she said she plays over and over because it helps her feel emotionally stronger and hopeful about the direction of her future.  "Grief is a scary thing," Michele says.  Yes, it is Michele, very scary and that's why it's so great that you are talking about it.  Sadly, we don't truly know how scary it is until it happens to us.  You are brave to share your feelings and thoughts, letting others know that they are not alone in their grief journeys.  I am so sorry for the pain of your loss. 

 

Below is the story TV Guide recently published about Michele, her new album and tragedy of Monteith's battle with his addictions.

 

Lea Michele

Lea Michele: "Grief Is a Scary Thing"

Mar 6, 2014 10:08 AM ET
by Liz Raftery
TV Guide
Lea Michele says writing and recording her new album Louder helped her overcome her grief after losing her boyfriend Cory Monteith last summer.

"I had this experience happen to me [and] decided to write about it," the Glee star tells the Los Angeles Times. "That's what felt organic."

Monteith, Michele's Glee co-star and boyfriend of four years, died in July from a toxic combination of heroin and alcohol.

The album's first single, "Cannonball," is about new beginnings. Michele recalls hearing the song for the first time:  I just literally keeled over because grief is a very scary thing, and there comes a point where it can really take you down," she says. "['Cannonball'] lifted me up. It was what I needed to get through my difficult situation."

Rather than avoid the topic, Michele decided to address Monteith's death head-on on the record, which was released Tuesday. "A lot of people don't know how to touch this situation. It's like walking on eggshells," Michele says. "I felt 'Cannonball' ... puts it all out there. It's like this is really hard, we're not denying that it's hard. We're gonna get through it."

Another track, "If You Say So," which Michele co-wrote with Sia Furler, is a reflection on the last conversation she had with Monteith. "It's something beautiful that came at a very difficult time," Michele says of her record. "If I've learned anything from this past year is that you have one life. ... You have to love as hard as you can love and live as hard as you can live because we just have one life. I feel like Louder really expresses that."

Downton Abbey

Today I join millions of Downton Abbey fans who can't wait to watch a new episode tonight.

 

I am arriving at the Downton Abbey party very late, for I watched my very first episode last Sunday at the home of some good friends who have watched the popular series from the beginning.  This was very helpful to me because they were able to tell me exactly what was happening, who the characters were in relation to each other and the intricate backstory of different storylines.

 

I'm not sure why I didn't embrace this amazing award-winning series earlier.  I think I already had a number of television programs I was already following and couldn't imagine adding another series to my busy schedule so I never tuned into Downton Abbey despite all the media attention and conversational buzz.

 

That said, I am totally taken with how the series is handling the sudden tragedy of Matthew Crawley's death and where the characters find themselves this season six months later.  The etiquette of grief in 1922 was prescribed and deliberate especially in Great Britain.  There were rules and everyone followed them.  In a way, the rules were a comforting guide, for you knew what was expected of you and didn't need to think twice about what you should do or say.  It was already settled.

 

Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary Crawley

To give you an idea of what was acceptable for a young widow in 1922 with regards to mourning, here is a passage I found in Emily Post's Book of Etiquette, which at the time was the official reference book on social manners:

"The young widow should wear deep crepe for a year and then lighter mourning for six months and second mourning for six months longer.  There is nothing more utterly captivating than a sweet young face under a widow's veil, and it is not to be wondered at that her loneliness and need of sympathy, combined with all that is appealing to sympathy in a man, results in the healing of her heart.  She should, however, never remain in mourning for her first husband after she has decided she can be consoled by a second.  There is no reason why a woman (or a man) should not find such consolation, but she should keep the intruding attraction away from her thoughts until the year of respect is up, after which she is free to put on colors and make happier plans."

And so at Downton Abbey this season, we find Lady Mary Crawley, the young widow of Matthew Crawley, coming out of six months of official mourning and surprised to find herself the focus of attention from an old friend visiting at the Abbey, Lord Anthony Gillingham.  He asks her to go horseback riding and she is a bit unsure of whether to accept or not.  Is it the right time to go on such a venture?  What would others think?  Lady Mary does accept and they do go horseback riding on the grounds of the Abbey but it is all very proper and constrained. 

 

We also find Matthew's mother, Isobel Crawley, still processing the sudden death of her son.  Isobel Crawley, who has already lost her husband, feels her life is over because she is of a certain age and with no husband or son, finds it difficult to move forward with any real purpose in her life.

 

I found it very touching that the crusty Dowager Countess of Grantham, played by the incredible actress Maggie Smith, invites Isobel to a dinner at the Abbey in effort to get her to come out of her isolation and socialize.  The Dowager is compassionate and sympathetic and offering support in reaching out to Isobel and it is so painful, yet authentic, when Isobel replies to the invitation with the same thought that haunts those in mourning even today: "Every time I smile.  Every time I laugh.  I feel I am forgetting him."

 

Remarkable isn't it that human beings have not changed that much at all in our core emotions and reactions to the shock of losing a loved one: grief, solitude, resolution, frustration guilt and then a bouncing all over the place of the same emotions.

In Downton Abbey I find remarkable storytelling and honest and authentic dialogue about dealing with life's moments of deepest sorrow whether you are surrounded by servants, glamorous clothes and leisurely comfort or work by the sweat of your brow downstairs as a maid or a hall boy.

Let's see what happens tonight!

 

 

 

It's Never Too Late

It is ever too late to acknowledge someone's loss.

Whether it is weeks or months after the loss has occurred, those who are closest to the deceased will always want to hear how that person made a difference in the lives of other people.  It may feel awkward, but it's helpful to those mourning if you can relate a positive memory, a favorite expression or any helpful advice the person once gave to you.

There are times when you hear about someone' s loss many months after it happened and you don't know what to do.  Should I call?  Should I write a note?  Is it rude to send something so late?  Will sending a card or note late upset the family or friends more?  When in doubt, sit down and put your thoughts of shock or sadness in a note.  These days, I believe that a sympathetic email is appropriate because many times we have a person's email address but not their mailing address and it is always better to write than not to write.

The following story from Legacy.com addresses many questions about belated notes and explains that a sincere and personal note can bring a measure of comfort no matter what the timing:

When A Sympathy Note Is Belated
By Robbie Miller Kaplan (posted on www.legacy.com)

Many people wonder, is it okay to send a belated condolence note? And if it is okay, how late can it be? You may be shocked to learn that many bereaved family members wouldn’t be offended by a belated condolence note.

That surprised me. Several years ago, an acquaintance died while I was on vacation. His warmth and kindness made an impression on me and I wanted to write his wife a sympathy note. Weeks turned into months and I finally wrote the note, almost one year after this death. I always wondered if my very belated note hurt rather than helped.

Not so a bereaved spouse told me. “There really is no such thing as a ‘belated’ sympathy note. That is to say that in my opinion it's better to send it late – no matter how late – than never to send anything at all.” She mentioned that despite everyone’s best efforts to communicate the news of her husband’s death, there were quite a few people who did not learn of his death for many months, even a year or two later. Several years after his death, she received notes from people who had been out of touch. “I was incredibly moved that the senders thought so much of my spouse. They wanted to share how sad the news had made them, and that they were thinking of him and of me.”

Another bereaved spouse mentioned that he was comforted that his wife’s memory was cherished by so many people, even if it took them months, or even years to share their thoughts. He didn't feel it was a problem at all that at least two notes, accompanied by stories and pictures, arrived more than a year later. When it was time for him to respond to the death of a friend’s child, he sent a traditional sympathy card at the time of death but it took him months to put into words what he wanted to say.

Adjusting to a friend or loved one’s death isn't just for the immediate family. It’s not unusual for us to struggle with what we’d like to say so a belated condolence note doesn't necessarily mean we don’t care or didn't get to it. Death can be deeply upsetting and many of us need time to process it and then decide what we’d like our condolence message to convey.

The very act of sending a sympathy note means the deceased and bereaved are in the sender’s thoughts. And as one bereaved family member put it, “It’s never too late to do something kind.”


Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store.