In Honor Of The Oscars

In honor of the Oscars last night, I'd like to give out a personal award.

Last night's Academy Awards speeches seemed to me to be particularly emotional, expressing the gratitude of recognition, the fulfillment of dreams and deep thanks for the years of incredible support that people received while working on their ground breaking film projects. 

It brought to mind for me the role that others play in our lives during difficult times and reminded me that support groups around the country are on the front lines of our communities, doing the nitty gritty, down and dirty and painful work of helping us put one foot in front of another as we learn to live with the unexpected challenges that life has brings us.

 

In my case, I'd like to give out a personal award, The Best  Support Group award to Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) located at Sibley Hospital in Washington, DC.  The people at Sibley who run this incredible program are the unsung heros of bereavement work and I'd like to draw the curtains aside a bit to reveal that grief support groups are not strange secretive gatherings of people who wallow in their sorrow and loss.

 

Best Support Group Award

No indeed.  They are groups of compassionate people dealing honestly and directly with the confusion that grief brings.  I spent almost two years as a participating member of the WPO support group and then after leaving the support group I spent many years later as a volunteer trying to give back the unconditional support WPO gave to me.

I learned a tremendous amount from the other widowed members of the group and also the amazing people who ran the group while I was there.  One person I would like to give a shout out to is Julie Potter, a calm and patient woman with so much insight that she reminds me of  a wise Buddha.  WPO taught me how to slowly gather the shattered pieces of myself and figure out how to best to put them back together in a way that gave me worked for me.  The group gave me the strength to help myself and my grieving young son.   

 

Whether it's alcoholism, gambling, overeating, drug addiction or grief, I believe that others who are traveling the same unpredictable path as ourselves can often offer the greatest amount of inspiration.

It may seem slow and incredibly painful but I found that when you sit and share your story with others facing the same issues, there is a sense of relief that you have finally found people who understand the depth of what you are feeling and how hard it is to handle.  In searching for a way to begin healing, support groups offer a safety zone because you find you are not alone in your emotional turmoil. 

 

Many people are uncomfortable with the emotional pain of grief.  As a result, family and friends are sometimes unsure of what to say or how to be helpful.  Support groups are the places where we can let it all hang out, revealing the thoughts and feeling we might not want to tell others because they might not get what we are really telling them.

 

You deserve to talk through your feelings and get them off your chest.  It's all part of starting a healing process.  By letting your emotions come to the surface and then working through them, you acknowledge and face your changed life and find others who are also dealing with the same sorts of issues.

 

Each grief may be individual but you shouldn't feel that you have to handle it all by yourself.  Support groups can be a crucial first step when you find yourself unsure of how to deal with a personal crisis.

Sometimes A Decision Is Made For You

 

 

 

 

Maybe it's a bit of an election "hangover" or perhaps a reflection of my personal life, but lately it seems as though I have been on a decision-making bender of sorts.

Has this ever happened to you?  I'm not sure if it's true for you or not, but when it's happening to me it feels as though I am going from one decision to the next with no breaks.  These decisions vary in importance -- from stuff around the house to personal issues -- but still they seem to keep coming at me with no end in sight.

Just when I think I am done with one decision, I barely get a chance to catch my breath and another one seems to be vying for my attention.  I remember reading somewhere that every time you make a decision, the process of trying to arrive at what you should do takes a little bit of energy out of you each time.  If this process goes on long enough, you can either burn out or start making some bad decisions.

And then sometimes, a decision is made for you.

 

Besides writing and researching this blog and my full-time job, I also have been writing and editing a bimonthly newsletter for Sibley Hospital's bereavement support group for the past seven years.  I once belonged to this group after my husband died and I don't know what I would have done without their help.  The group was the best thing that ever happened to me and it was a great experience!

 

After I left the group (you can only belong for two years), I wanted to give back and help others rebuild their lives after their loss, so I volunteered to oversee the newsletter and I'm so glad I did.  But now I am saying good-bye to the newsletter because several relatives are dealing with serious health conditions and I want to help them in any way I can.

 

I tried to juggle all of it for months but eventually I could see that I need to let someone else take over the newsletter.  There truly is a time for things to begin and end and it's hard to let go but other things become more important and then it is taken out of your hands. 

 

For the past seven years, I have talked to lots of people in different stages of grieving and done hours and hours of research about what to expect in the grief process and how to gain strength and slowly go on with your life.  My goal with the blog and the newsletter is to give women and men, parents and children, friends and relatives who are recently widowed lots of resources so they know they are not alone.

 

The newsletter and my blog are also places where all aspects of grief are a mainstream topic; to help people feel they can talk about it without getting that look from others that basically says "Uh oh, I gotta get out of here because I know this person is going to get upset."

If there is one thing that I have learned about grief, it is this: you have to talk about it.  Who you talk to isn't important, but you have to express to someone how you feel because if you don't you will constantly carry it around and it will increasingly become a bigger emotional burden.

This decision about the newsletter now feels like the right thing thing to do.  Life has a way of moving you along.  There is a time to fight it and then there are times to make peace with it and accept it.

Peace!

The Big 300

 

 

Today marks my 300th post.

It's a personal milestone and truly a huge deal for me.  Big thanks go out to all of my family (especially my son, Ryan, who is my biggest blog cheerleader), friends and readers out there in the internet world who read Cry, Laugh, Heal.   You give me more than you know and I read and respond to all of the great feedback I receive!  And I hope to receive lots more feedback as I continue to write about the incredibly silly, sometimes sad and mostly spontaneous events that happen to me on my new journey as a widow and single mother.

I thought it would be appropriate to go back to the beginning, to the very first post I wrote launching Cry, Laugh Heal in December 2010.  This post is special to me because I had no idea what I was doing -- not that I really know now what I am doing -- but back then I really had no idea where Cry, Laugh Heal was going and what the reaction to it would be.  I just decided to jump in and try it and see what would happen.

 

When I read that first post today, I see a different person, a person still yearning to go backwards to the time when my husband was alive and well.  I still feel that way sometimes but now the feeling comes less frequently and not as strong as it did then. 

I definitely still feel passionately about changing the way people think about grief and trying to help people as they try to rebuild their lives after the loss of a loved one.  That's the reason I started Cry, Laugh, Heal: to open up the subject of grief and it's resulting resilience.  Grief is a natural reaction to a loved one's death and eventually it will happen to you whether you like it or not.  It doesn't help anyone when we make grief a taboo topic.

Everyone's grief journey is unique and certainly full of ups and downs.  I have found that for most people, the passage of time tends to lessen the waves of pain and eventually, the loss becomes less raw and more manageable.  One day, after many years, I had what is called a light bulb moment and finally realized that my husband would never want me or our son to be miserable.  I can't tell you how or why it happened, but it finally clicked in my brain that he would have wanted us to heal and find happiness.

To my great surprise, I have discovered that an inner strength does slowly build with the taking of each day as it comes to me.

I hope you enjoy reading my first post:

Clothes To You

December 23, 2010 

With the today's launch of Cry, Laugh, Heal, I’ll start by sharing an unexpected moment that helped me cope with my husband’s death.

Grieving can take you down some unpredictable paths -- sometimes revealing humor where you least expect it.

I learned the importance of having a sense of humor early in life while growing up in a large Irish Catholic family. If you couldn’t laugh at yourself, then someone else would imitate you until you did. So laughing and making jokes about life’s bumps in the road was part of my DNA, an integral part of my spirit, and it served me well until my husband died.

Suddenly, I found myself in this new role of being a middle-aged widow and single mother and I felt as though I was outside of myself performing some sort of high-wire act. On the one hand I was trying to move forward and support my young son, while on the other hand I was completely numb. As much as my family and friends supported me, I felt as if no one really got my “spin cycle” of emotions and what I was trying to handle.

I decided I needed to find others who had also lost loved ones and talk to them about how they managed to put the pieces back together and go on with their lives. I started going to group support sessions at Sibley Hospital’s bereavement group called Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) and it was there that I found the emotional resources and freedom to talk about ALL the issues surrounding my husband’s death -- even the things that sound really irreverent and crazy to other people.

Talking about the emptiness, the surreal feelings, the memories and the loss of future memories was exhausting but therapeutic. But the best thing that came out of these emotional dialogues was that I unexpectedly rediscovered my sense of humor.

We were talking about what happens when you have buried your loved one yet their belongings – their clothes, their food, their books, most of what they owned – is still all around you. I jumped into the discussion and began talking about what happened to me one day when I was in the house all by myself. That particular day, I really felt like I was falling apart and all I wanted was some kind of contact with my husband.

I opened my cell phone, walked around the room and stared at it, thinking there actually was the possibility that something might happen -- a ring, a text, a signal of some sort from my husband. I know it sounds strange but when you are in the throes of deep grief and your loss is so raw, you are just hurting and not being logical.

I closed my eyes and imagined that he was hugging me. Then I opened the hall closet and took one of his tweed jackets off the hanger. I put it on and of course I immediately felt better. I smelled him in that precious jacket and I imagined his arms around me. I was comforted and torn up at the same time.

As I talked about this experience to my group, I said to the husky man sitting across from me, “Trying on his clothes really made me feel a lot better. Haven’t you ever done the same thing?”

Without missing a beat, he said with a completely straight face, “I gotta tell you. I have never, ever once thought about wearing my wife’s clothes.”

I totally burst out laughing. Something about the serious expression on his face, his delivery and the mental picture of this big guy in a small pastel sweater made me laugh so hard I couldn’t get my breath. And everyone else started laughing too so I knew that we had hit on something close to people’s hearts.

It was then that I knew life was going to be a little softer. Nothing was going to be great or wonderful; just slightly more bearable. For a long time, I didn’t think it was okay to laugh. I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying myself and besides, nothing was funny to me anyway.

There is a very thin line between crying and laughing. Many times you find yourself doing one of them and all of a sudden you are doing the other. But a good cry or a good laugh can make you feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and that’s what this blog is here to do.

Living Through Personal Crisis -- Register Now for Oct. 19 Conference

There is still time to sign up for this conference if you or anyone else you know is interested:

Sibley Hospital's Widowed Person's Outreach is sponsoring a conference on Living Through Personal Crisis on Wednesday, October 19, 2011.

Bestselling author Dr. Ann Kaiser Stearns brings a powerful message to those dealing with the pain of a loss. With her inspirational insight and helpful healing strategies, you'll discover how you can move beyond the harsh and painful events that have occurred, grow stronger and still live a fulfilling life.

When a loved one dies, a marriage or important relationship ends, a financial or health crisis occurs, or even a dream is shattered, you still have a choice in how to live, says Dr. Stearns. Through her study of people who have successfully rebuilt their lives after a significant loss, she gained insights into resilience. Dr. Stearns has shared the findings of her research in more than 200 nationwide radio and TV interviews, presentations, and workshops. Her inspirational guidance and helpful healing strategies will help you discover how you, too, can move beyond harsh and painful events, grow stronger, and still live a fulfilling life.

Dr Ann Kaiser Stearns is a graduate of Oklahoma City University (B.A.), Duke University (M.Div.), and the Union Institute (Ph.D.). She is a professor of psychology at the Community College of Baltimore County and an adjunct professor in the Police Executive Leadership Program at the Johns Hopkins University. The mother of two daughters, she lives with her family in Maryland.

For more information about Dr. Stearns visit her website, www.AnnKaiserStearns.com. The latest edition of her book, Living through Personal Crisis, will be for sale at the event. She is also the author of Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives after Crisis and Loss and Living through Job Loss.

Register now to ensure your place: Seating is limited. Cost is $35.00 and includes lunch.

Place:  Kenwood Country Club

              5601 River Road
              Bethesda, MD 20816

Schedule:   9:45 am - Registration and Coffee or Tea
                      10:15 am - 12:00 noon - Keynote Address
                      12:00 noon - Book signing and Break
                      12:30 pm - Lunch is served

For information and to register, please call Pat Ebbecke at 202-726-3418.

           

Julie Potter -- Sibley Hospital Angel

I write today about a special woman named Julie Potter who played a pivotal role in putting me and many others on the path to resilience.

Today is Julie's last day at Sibley Hospital and I know that she will be missed quite a lot!!!!!  True to her nature, Julie always downplays her valuable contributions and the vast resources she has set up at Sibley to help others.  Besides her primary responsibilities at Sibley's Senior Services department, Julie also oversees the Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) bereavement group.  For 21 years, Julie has reached out to help people who find themselves vulnerable during trying times and she has generously given them emotional support and strength so that they may find their way back to more solid footing.  She is calm, gentle and patient but she is also honest and funloving.  Julie has a sixth sense for what people need and if they can't find the right connections then she helps them until they do.

Sibley had no support groups when Julie began working there.  Julie started the hospital's first support group, a cancer support group, and that led to the start of many other groups: arthritis, alzheimer's, bereavement, diabetes, parkinson's and movement disorders.  And if that wasn't enough, she also started the hospital's Walking Club in 1992.

I remember the first time I spoke to her on the phone because I was pretty much a basketcase.  I had received a pamphet in the mail about a bereavement group at Sibley Hospital that met twice a month and Julie was the contact person.  I wasn't ready yet to talk in a group but still I thought it would be a good idea to talk to her for guidance and also to see if I could talk to someone in the bereavement group on a one-to-one basis.  I called and left a voice message for her.

My husband had died about nine months earlier and I had just come back from vacation with my young son.  We weren't vacationing alone; we were with friends. But it had been jarring to spend vacation time without my husband.  Everything about the beach was almost the same as it had been from the year before except my husband had died.  It became a big deal to me as I realized pretty quickly into the vacation that I needed to talk to someone about all the grief feelings that I was experiencing. Every day during vacation I would tamp down all the feelings of contradiction.  No one I knew could really understand what it was all about.  I would walk up to the beach early every morning and sit in the sand and cry and then walk back to the house as though everything was okay.

When Julie called me back, she said she knew of a woman in the bereavement group who was widowed many years ago and had since remarried.  The woman who Julie sent my way helped me tremendously and I will always be grateful for her sensitivity and empathy.  She was truly an incredible gift sent from heaven.  She listened to me and also shared her own stories about being a wife and mother and suddenly becoming a widow.  She told me how she met her current husband and how life would get better.  She gave me hope.  And so did Julie.

Thank you Julie Potter from the bottom of my heart for taking care of me and all the other people seeking understanding and support after losing a loved one!!!!!  Best wishes in your continued volunteer work with WPO and all other endeavors you decide to follow.

Winterthur & Longwood Gardens -- Guided Tour on 06/22/11

Come spend the day at Winterthur!  Nestled in the heart of Delaware's beautiful Brandywine Valley, this extraordinary museum, garden and library offers a variety of things to see.

Founded by Henry Francis du Pont, Winterthur (pronouned "winter-tour") is the premier museum of American decorative arts, reflecting both early America and the du Pont family's life there.  Its 60-acre naturalistic garden is among the country's best, and its research library serves scholars from around the world.  Come visit and explore this place of beauty, history and learning.

After lunch, the tour will include a visit to Longwood Gardens which encompasses 1,050 acres of gardens, woodland, and meadows.  Enjoy over 11,000 types of plants and more fountains than any other garden in the United States.

Travel Itinerary -- Wednesday, June 22, 2011

7:00 am          Depart Sibley Hospital

10:00 am        Arrive at Winterthur for Narrated Tram ride, guided tour of house & self guided tour

                      of gardens.

                      Lunch vouchers for Cafe at Winterthur

1:30 pm         Depart for Longwood Gardens

2:00 pm         Self guided tour of Longwood Gardens

4:00 pm         Depart for home

7:00 pm         Arrive back at Sibley

Cost: $99 per person.  Includes:  round-trip transportation in a deluxe motor coach, tours as listed, lunch voucher, tolls, taxes, & all gratuities.  Lunch voucher includes an appetizer, entree, dessert and beverage.

Contact: Please call Kim Grizzle at Eyre Tour and Travel at 1-800-321-3973 extension 3224 for trip availability, make your reservation and select your lunch entree.

Paris In Pennsylvania -- 2011 Philadelphia Flower Show

Everyone is tired of the ice, the snow, the cold and winter in general. 

 

For those who are grieving,  winter can be particularly harsh.  As an antidote to this dreary time of year, Sibley Hospital is organizing a day trip on Wednesday, March 9 to the 2011 Philadelphia International Flower Show.  This year's theme is "Springtime in Paris" and visitors can expect to enjoy spectacular flower sculptures and carousel topiaries as well as lush flowering trees, lilacs, roses and borders of lavender.

Travel Itinerary -- Wednesday, March 9, 2011

8:00 am        Depart Westwood Shopping Center in Bethesda, Md.
11:00 am      Arrive at Philadelphia Flower Show
                      Free time to enjoy the flower show &; lunch on your own
4:00 pm        Depart for Washington, DC
7:30 pm        Arrive Westwood Shopping Center in Bethesda, Md.

Cost per person: $79.00 (includes transportation, entry into the flower show, tolls, taxes & all gratuities

Contact: Kim Grizzle at Eyre Tour & Travel for reservations at 1-800-321-3973