Alicia Keys -- Listen To Your Heart

My new thing is to listen to Alicia Key's "Girl On Fire" CD on my way to work.

 

Alicia Keys is amazing!  I have loved her music from the first time I heard her groundbreaking song, "Fallin",  on the radio about 10 years ago.  I didn't know who she was but I googled and youtubed until I found out.  I have been lucky enough to see her perform live twice and that is the best!! 

 

 

Alicia Keys "Girl On Fire" CD

 

She has a beautiful, smooth, soulful voice, is an incredible songwriter and her music pulls you into some kind of a powerful healing zone.

 

Listening to all kinds of music brings about little miracles every day.  It brings people joy, empowers them to think positively, connects them to memories and can also offer relief from pain.

 

We are all on a journey, and as Alicia Keys says, there are people out there telling us what they think is right or what is wrong, but if we listen to our hearts we will know for ourselves which way to go.

 

Let's take the time to mellow out a bit on the last day of the work week. 

 

Please click on this link and listen to Alicia Keys sing song number four on her "Girl On Fire" CD, "Listen to Your Heart":

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4BHZnOEGvI

News That Inspires

I don't know about you, but when I read newspapers, magazine or books, I am always looking for stories about people who have overcome a tragedy or some other kind of obstacle in their lives.

 

I am always amazed when I read about how someone who has experienced the death of a loved one or another kind of personal crisis then manages in the midst of this personal pain to find reserves of inner strength to work through their conflicting feelings and move forward to pursue something positive.  The same is true of someone whose life seems full of things going wrong yet somehow works through those obstacles and turns their life into something constructive.

 

In reading about someone else's story, no matter what the situation, I find that something clicks within me and I am reminded that I am not alone in my healing journey.  Life hands you choices that you don't expect and frankly don't like at all.

But life then also shows you that others have burdens or baggage, if you will, and I am inspired by people from all walks of life who expose their human and vulnerable side to the world and aren't afraid to recount what has happened to them and how that sadness affected their world but they decided to rise above it.

I love sharing these stories with you, my fantastic readers, and I hope you find them inspirational too!  I know I can't do it alone and I when I read about how other people handled their tragedies, I say to myself that if this person moved forward with their life then I can do it too!

This particular story that I read recently in The Washington Post is very uplifting to me.  It concerns a mother named Annette Weller and her daughter, Lauren Weller Sidorowicz, who sadly lost her valiant battle with bone cancer in 2011.  One day during Lauren's eight year stay at the pediatric unit of the National Institutes of Health Clinical Center, a pediatric cancer psychologist dropped off some colored markers and told Annette that she could draw on her daughter's window if she wanted.

Photo Courtesy of The Washington Post

The human spirit can be resilient in its ability to take a wide range of feelings and thoughts and channel them in a therapeutic way through drawing, painting, writing, singing or even sewing that can lead to a healing of broken heart.

Please read this touching story about Annette and Lauren and how Annette now uses her art to help others: 

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/colorful-murals-keep-a-daughters-memory-alive/2013/08/12/37f0234c-0105-11e3-9a3e-916de805f65d_story.html

Fast & Sweet

Down the street from my office, there once was an organic salad carry-out place, sort of similiar to Chop't but not as inventive.  It went out of business many months ago and I have been watching the empty store to see what kind of business would open up in its place.

My office friends and I have been discussing what we would like to see go in there (Panera got my vote) and we all assumed that the next restaurant would be serving something in the same vein as salads, and if not salads, then something healthy for people to eat.

Wrong! Dunkin Donuts now occupies the once empty space where salad greens and raw veggies were served.  This week they are advertising a breakfast sandwich that uses a doughnut instead of a bun.  My son told me that he actually has eaten one of these sandwiches and they are delicious (figures!) but still it seems so unhealthy to me on so many levels.  Tells me a lot about what's selling in downtown DC, right?

Fast and sweet gets people every time.  Especially when people are working in high-pressure situations.

It's such a rude trick from the food industry: the idea that something sweet or fattening or loaded with carbs can plug up that hole you are desperately feeling or wipe out that anger you are feeling or soothe the hurt feelings that are within your psyche.  Physical reactions to the death of a loved one may include loss of appetite or overeating and sleeplessness so it's perfectly natural that you would reach for the chocolate or the french fries or the glass of wine to comfort your broken heart. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the appeal of these foods because I used to eat them all the time too.  When I used to party my brains out, the next morning I would always want fast food.  While I was eating it, I felt great.  But afterwards, I actually felt worse because I didn't give my body any nutrients to use to process the alcohol in my system or build up my immune system. 

 

As more and more scientific evidence surfaces every day, there is no escaping the fact that there is a direct connection between health and diet.  People are also finding out for themselves that when they eat fresher, natural foods rather than processed foods (that would be me!), they feel a whole lot better.  Fresher may be a little more pricey than frozen or processed but there should be no doubt about spending the extra money because the quality of your life and the quality of your health are worth the investment.

 

Whether you're grieving or stressed at work or anxious about your life in general, you are vulnerable and that's when the desire for fast and easy and convenient processed food kicks in.  Once in awhile it is okay to indulge in something unhealthy because otherwise you're going to feel deprived.

 

But do yourself a big favor.  You and I are not having a craving for broccoli or kale or carrots but it's eating those things that will keep us going strong, strong enough to walk past Dunkin Donuts.
 

Healing Therapy

 

Drawing By NYC Multiple Medium Artist Joe Mangrum

One of my sister has a shoulder that is frozen and she is going to a physical therapist to work through the incredibly stiff shoulder muscles and joint.  If the physical therapy doesn't work, then she may have to have surgery and she really doesn't want that to happen.

 

We were talking about her physical therapy and she was telling me about how the therapist told her that to really get the exercises to work and unlock the muscles and joint that the therapy would have to increase to another level and she asked my sister if she was prepared for the "wall of pain" that she would have to work through to achieve her goal.

 

My sister said she was prepared and she knew it was going to be bad; that it would be so painful that she probably would cry.  But she still is committed to the next level of therapy, know that it's going to be awful, but also feeling hopeful that this increased therapy could be successful.

 

This may sound random to you but the more that I talked to my sister about her "wall of pain"  the more I felt I was talking to her about processing grief.

 

New grief can be so painful that it feels as though a part of your body has been amputated and you are walking around in a state of hemorrhaging.  You need to just take each day as it comes and little by little, you will start to feel that the pain is decreasing. 

 

But there is still a core amount of pain that requires work from you.

 

I think this concept was the hardest part for me.  When my husband died, I was stumbling around and in a state of numbness.  Every day I was full of grief and pain.  What was I going to do?  I had just lost my husband and everything was falling apart.  I thought I could read about grief and think about grief and it would eventually disappear.  Not!

 

Months and months of just feeling terrible finally made me realize that I had to do some of the work myself.  I had to actively figure out how to make myself feel better.  I found a support group at a local hospital and in the beginning I talked to someone on the phone for one-on-one time.  Later on, I joined a group and went to sessions twice a month to talk about grief and rebuilding my life all over again.

 

It was exhausting but I am so glad that I took the first step and asked for help.

 

It's important for you to recognize that you need time to work through this loss of your loved one.  There is no way to know how long it will take you to process your feelings.  Everyone grieves differently and takes different paths in their grief journey.  I do think it's fair to say that healing can come in cycles of ups and downs.

 

You have to confront your "wall of pain" and feel it.  The processing of this pain is hard for you are giving yourself permission to remember all the good things and all the bad things that your loved one was to you.  Write it down, shout it out, talk to a therapist, talk to a friend, paint it, take a shower and cry or go running and cry.

 

But get it out. 

 

Vent your feelings and thoughts and work through you "wall of pain."  You are releasing the pain and the hurt and the anger and the frustration and the confusion of not knowing what you are supposed to do next.

 

And in releasing your "wall of pain" you are empowering yourself and moving forward. 

 

For grief that you hold within yourself only keeps hurting and hurting.

 

 

Courtesy of NYC Multiple Medium Artist Joe Mangrum

 

 

Sometimes A Decision Is Made For You

 

 

 

 

Maybe it's a bit of an election "hangover" or perhaps a reflection of my personal life, but lately it seems as though I have been on a decision-making bender of sorts.

Has this ever happened to you?  I'm not sure if it's true for you or not, but when it's happening to me it feels as though I am going from one decision to the next with no breaks.  These decisions vary in importance -- from stuff around the house to personal issues -- but still they seem to keep coming at me with no end in sight.

Just when I think I am done with one decision, I barely get a chance to catch my breath and another one seems to be vying for my attention.  I remember reading somewhere that every time you make a decision, the process of trying to arrive at what you should do takes a little bit of energy out of you each time.  If this process goes on long enough, you can either burn out or start making some bad decisions.

And then sometimes, a decision is made for you.

 

Besides writing and researching this blog and my full-time job, I also have been writing and editing a bimonthly newsletter for Sibley Hospital's bereavement support group for the past seven years.  I once belonged to this group after my husband died and I don't know what I would have done without their help.  The group was the best thing that ever happened to me and it was a great experience!

 

After I left the group (you can only belong for two years), I wanted to give back and help others rebuild their lives after their loss, so I volunteered to oversee the newsletter and I'm so glad I did.  But now I am saying good-bye to the newsletter because several relatives are dealing with serious health conditions and I want to help them in any way I can.

 

I tried to juggle all of it for months but eventually I could see that I need to let someone else take over the newsletter.  There truly is a time for things to begin and end and it's hard to let go but other things become more important and then it is taken out of your hands. 

 

For the past seven years, I have talked to lots of people in different stages of grieving and done hours and hours of research about what to expect in the grief process and how to gain strength and slowly go on with your life.  My goal with the blog and the newsletter is to give women and men, parents and children, friends and relatives who are recently widowed lots of resources so they know they are not alone.

 

The newsletter and my blog are also places where all aspects of grief are a mainstream topic; to help people feel they can talk about it without getting that look from others that basically says "Uh oh, I gotta get out of here because I know this person is going to get upset."

If there is one thing that I have learned about grief, it is this: you have to talk about it.  Who you talk to isn't important, but you have to express to someone how you feel because if you don't you will constantly carry it around and it will increasingly become a bigger emotional burden.

This decision about the newsletter now feels like the right thing thing to do.  Life has a way of moving you along.  There is a time to fight it and then there are times to make peace with it and accept it.

Peace!

Tips For The Early Days of Grief



Photo By Patti Raab



A family I know lost their brother right before Christmas and now the same family has suddenly lost their father.  I can't imagine the waves of shock, pain, anger, despair and confusion they are engulfed in now as they try to work their way through an intense grieving process.

Please include them in your thoughts and prayers.  The following article is dedicated to them:

The Early Days: Surviving the First Few Days of Bereavement
By Greg Wright

What are the most important things to know during the first few weeks of bereavement?  Several months ago, my wife and I put our heads together and came up with a list.  We hope it will be helpful.

1.  Beware of survivor's guilt.  Irrational guilt brings its best attorney.  You cannot defeat his arguments, but you can ignore him.

2.  Focus not on the rest of your life but just on getting through the next fifteen minutes.

3.  Expect grief to affect every part of you:
           -- Physically-shortness of breath, pressure in your chest & weakness
           -- Mentally - concentration, ability to make good decisions & will to live.
           -- Spiritually- confidence in prayer.
           -- Emotionally - ability to restrain anger & sadness

4. Be careful what you say to people, especially words expressed in anger.

5. Expect people to do stupid things.  You will have to ignore many things people will say to you.  Rare are the people who fully understand what you are going through right now.  Great is the necessity of being prepared to overlook & forgive.

6. Let people help you.  Not only do you need them, but you actually minister to them when you allow them to help you.

7. Recognize that everyone grieves differently.

8. Guard your marriage at all costs.  Recognize that men will usually grieve differently from their wives.

9.  Guard your identity -- even if you lost your only child, you are still a mother or father; you have been forever changed by having a child.

10. Guard yourself from despair.  Grief only seems unbearable.  Many can testify that it can be endured.

11. Guard your faith.  If faith is a part of your life, this is not the time to examine your faith.  This is the time to stand firm in that faith.

12. Delay major decisions.

13. Simplify your life as much as possible.  Make lists, identify next actions for each item & focus on the next action.  Ask others to help you.

14.  Due to compromised ability to concentrate: be very careful with driving, working in the kitchen & anything you do on a computer.

15. Be patient with your progress; grief must run its coarse.

16.  Be gentle with yourself & let yourself grieve.

17.  Be realistic about what faith does for you.  Faith does not take the pain away, but it does make the pain bearable.

18.  Let yourself be comforted.  Hang onto words of encouragement.  Even if they do not encourage you immediately, they will eventually if you do not throw them away.  It's just that grief delays their effect.

19.  Be careful about alcohol.  If you are not used to it, this is not the stime to start.  If you are used to it, resist any temptation to increase the quantity.

20.  Be careful about sleeping pills.  My wife could not sleep for days, so the doctor put her on pills.  Nevertheless, it was a struggle to get off of them.

21.  If faith is part of your life, pray for strength, and visit those Bible passages that deal with grief: especially Psalm 10, Psalm 13, Psalm 42, Psalm 62, Psalm 63 and Psalm 73.

22.  Guard your memories, and tell people you want to talk about your loved one.

23.  Be willing to heal.  Anger closes the door to healing, and bitterness throws away the key.

24.  Cry till you run out of tears.  Grief seems to have a mind of its own.  Don't try to fight it.  Your heart will tell you when you need to pull away and grieve.

A Time of Healing

As 2011 draws to a close and a New Year is almost here, you might be trying to figure out how you are supposed to face the future without someone you lost.

Longtime grief counselor and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt of Fort Collins, Colo., advises story-writing and storytelling to help the healing process.  "Tell the story of death and you begin to acknowledge it," Wolfelt writes.  "Tell it 10 times and you begin to let it enter your heart.  Tell it over and over and you find it becoming part of who you are."

And from that storytelling you will gain strength; the strength to face the next hour or the next 24 hours without your loved one.  Some of my first New Year's Eves after my husband died were sort of a blur of numbness, confusion and feeling outside of myself.  I marked the holiday in a low key manner because I didn't feel there was much to celebrate and I was just trying to survive.  Eight years later, things are better and I will be spending New Year's Eve with good friends and feeling as though I can face life's challenges.

The healing process might be different for you because the length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief. Although it can be quite painful at times, the grief process should not be rushed. It is important to be patient with yourself as you experience your unique reactions to the loss.

With time and support, things generally do get better. However, grieving can run in cycles and it is normal for significant dates, holidays, or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss.

Taking care of yourself, seeking support, and acknowledging your feelings during these times are ways that can help you cope.  Numbing yourself with drugs and alcohol will not help you cope and only prolongs the grief process. 

Give yourself time and eventually, hope will rise from the stinging pain you are now experiencing.