Healing Therapy

 

Drawing By NYC Multiple Medium Artist Joe Mangrum

One of my sister has a shoulder that is frozen and she is going to a physical therapist to work through the incredibly stiff shoulder muscles and joint.  If the physical therapy doesn't work, then she may have to have surgery and she really doesn't want that to happen.

 

We were talking about her physical therapy and she was telling me about how the therapist told her that to really get the exercises to work and unlock the muscles and joint that the therapy would have to increase to another level and she asked my sister if she was prepared for the "wall of pain" that she would have to work through to achieve her goal.

 

My sister said she was prepared and she knew it was going to be bad; that it would be so painful that she probably would cry.  But she still is committed to the next level of therapy, know that it's going to be awful, but also feeling hopeful that this increased therapy could be successful.

 

This may sound random to you but the more that I talked to my sister about her "wall of pain"  the more I felt I was talking to her about processing grief.

 

New grief can be so painful that it feels as though a part of your body has been amputated and you are walking around in a state of hemorrhaging.  You need to just take each day as it comes and little by little, you will start to feel that the pain is decreasing. 

 

But there is still a core amount of pain that requires work from you.

 

I think this concept was the hardest part for me.  When my husband died, I was stumbling around and in a state of numbness.  Every day I was full of grief and pain.  What was I going to do?  I had just lost my husband and everything was falling apart.  I thought I could read about grief and think about grief and it would eventually disappear.  Not!

 

Months and months of just feeling terrible finally made me realize that I had to do some of the work myself.  I had to actively figure out how to make myself feel better.  I found a support group at a local hospital and in the beginning I talked to someone on the phone for one-on-one time.  Later on, I joined a group and went to sessions twice a month to talk about grief and rebuilding my life all over again.

 

It was exhausting but I am so glad that I took the first step and asked for help.

 

It's important for you to recognize that you need time to work through this loss of your loved one.  There is no way to know how long it will take you to process your feelings.  Everyone grieves differently and takes different paths in their grief journey.  I do think it's fair to say that healing can come in cycles of ups and downs.

 

You have to confront your "wall of pain" and feel it.  The processing of this pain is hard for you are giving yourself permission to remember all the good things and all the bad things that your loved one was to you.  Write it down, shout it out, talk to a therapist, talk to a friend, paint it, take a shower and cry or go running and cry.

 

But get it out. 

 

Vent your feelings and thoughts and work through you "wall of pain."  You are releasing the pain and the hurt and the anger and the frustration and the confusion of not knowing what you are supposed to do next.

 

And in releasing your "wall of pain" you are empowering yourself and moving forward. 

 

For grief that you hold within yourself only keeps hurting and hurting.

 

 

Courtesy of NYC Multiple Medium Artist Joe Mangrum

 

 

Mele Kalikimaka -- A Hawaiian Christmas Song

Aloha!! This is a Christmas song that you may not have heard before but it is a song that I know from my childhood.

 

My Dad is a big Bing Crosby fan and he would always play this song every Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

My sister (the one who is my Irish twin) and I thought it was a very funny song because it has a funny title and is about Christmas in Hawaii and "the land where palm trees sway."  While dressed in our pajamas, my sister and I would get up and perform for the rest of the family and sing and dance the hula.  I'm not sure why our other siblings didn't join us but they always would watch as we got up and emoted all over the place.

 

These kinds of memories hold a special place in my heart and I find them comforting as well as healing.  They help me remember that there is still that little girl still inside me who knows how to be silly and enjoy the moment!

 

I hope you have similiar holiday memories that you also cherish and perhaps you even made a few yesterday as you celebrated Christmas with your family and friends. 

 

As they say in Hawaii -- Mele Kalikimaka!

 

That's the island greeting that I send to you and yours during this holiday season.

Here is the YouTube version of Bing Crosby singing Mele Kalikimaka and a slideshow of Hawaiian scenes:
 

Happy Birthday to My Irish Twin

 

Happy Birthday Sheila!

 

Today is my sister Sheila's birthday so for the next month we will be the same age.

 

How can we be the same age for a month?

 

We are Irish twins.

 

I was born in January and she was born in December of the same year.  Busy parents, yes?  Irish twins are defined as a pair of siblings born within 12 to 16 months of each other. When we were young children, our mother would dress us alike as though we were twins and we have lots of pictures from holidays in the same dresses and coats.  I must say that my sister Sheila is better at pulling herself together, even as a child, so she usually looked better in her outfits.

 

I think the term "Irish twins" came to be because the majority of Irish are Catholic and the Catholic Church doesn't support the practice of birth control even though it does support the practice of the "rhythm method."  I come from a family of six children (I am the oldest) and during my childhood a family of six or more children was not unusual.

 

If you aren't familiar with the "rhythm method," here's an old joke that should tell you a lot about its effectiveness:  Do you know what they call people who practice the rhythm method?

 

Parents! Ba Dump Bump.

 

Anyway, back to my sister.  We have had our ups and downs, as most sisters do, but we have a lot of great memories from our childhood and as adults, getting married and raising our children.  Having a sister so close in age means that we were always together; especially when my mother would take us shopping.

 

One time when we about 4 or 5 years old, we were shopping with our mother and we started playing hide and seek behind the rounds of clothes.  Our mother must have been really been preoccupied with something else because usually she would blow a gasket if we got away from her.

 

We were small enough to stand behind the coats and we thought no one could see us.  We must of played this game for only a few minutes when I thought we were lost in the store.  Our mother was only one aisle over from us but I couldn't see her.  I think I sat on the floor and started to cry and then I told my sister Sheila that we were in big trouble because we lost our mother.  I completely fell apart.

 

What happened next was a complete role reversal in our relationship and something that made me feel closer to her: Sheila stayed calm and comforted me and told me that everything would be all right, that we would find our mother and I shouldn't cry.

 

And she was right.  Our mother says she knew where we were the whole time and she was keeping an eye on us and thought it was funny.

 

Lots of love and Happy Birthday to my Irish twin sister Sheila!

 

Here's to making many more great memories together!!

 

A Dose of Kindness

Visiting people who are sick is one of the kindest acts we can ever practice.  Sitting and talking, holding their hand and listening seem so simple to the healthy but those things are so essential in helping the ill know that they matter, that they are not forgotten even though they are no longer able to independently move around.

 

Bringing about a smile or laughter through a funny story is just as important as any medicine prescribed by a doctor.  Laughter, in particular, is a powerful distraction from pain and illness.

 

One of my sisters and her husband are compassionately taking care of his elderly parents.  Both parents have been diagnosed with advanced stages of cancer and my sister and her husband are trying to make this time with them as comfortable as possible.

 

My sister's in-laws live in the same retirement community as our parents and while visiting with our parents this past weekend, my sister said it would be great if I could also stop by and also see her in-laws.  I did pop by for a visit with only her mother-in-law because her father-in-law was resting.  But the time spent catching up with her mother-in-law was unexpectedly funny.

 

I must admit I was a little anxious about visiting her mother-in-law because I didn't know if she was in a lot of pain or if she was even aware of her surroundings but she surprised me.

 

But during my visit I found a talented woman who had raised three children and was diagnosed with advanced cancer less than a year ago sitting in her family room making jokes about herself and her children, talking in an accent to make some of her stories more amusing and thoroughly enjoying herself.  It was wonderful to see that she still wanted to know what was going on in everyone's lives and having such a positive attitude about life.

 

While we watched the Ryder Cup on television and she made comments about the golfers, there was no negativity about her or her husband's medical situation.  She was living the moment and enjoying her time with the people around her.

 

I know that she is not always in such great spirits or health as she was during my visit but she takes advantage of when she feels good.  It can be difficult to see people when they are ill and it may be something we would rather not do but if we were ill wouldn't we want people to come and socialize with us? Wouldn't we want people to care about us?

 

The visit reminded me that even though I may feel awkward around someone who is ill it shouldn't stop me from trying to comfort someone else.  Life is about giving of yourself and lending a helping hand.