Taxi Dad

Today's post is a shout out to all of the men out there who have lost their wives or partners and are working hard to juggle the never ending responsibilities of working a paying job while raising their precious children.

I think that women in this situation tend to receive more attention than men due to the sheer numbers of women who find themselves widowed with young children.  But men are also out there too doing their part and running around -- as all parents do -- trying to keep all the plates in the air.

 

I was reminded of this earlier in the week when I jumped into a taxi and had a casual conversation with the young driver.  It was one of those casual chats that starts out as nothing but then it became more.   We were talking about the cost of living in Washington, DC and the price of gas and then it evolved into stories about our children and life's priorities.

 

The taxi driver had two children, one who just started college and the other who was around 10 years old.  He tapped the dashboard to show me the picture of his younger child which he had taped by the driver's wheel.  "This is the reason that I don't work on weekends even though that's the time I could make a lot more money," Taxi Dad told me.  "My wife died in 2009 from cancer so I am doing it by myself, you know?  I don't have time to go crazy and spend money and time on other things.  Do you know what I mean?"

 

Yup, I told him, I did know what he meant. 

 

I have been a single parent for ten years and being a single parent, just like being a parent with a spouse or partner, is a lot of hard work.  It's also incredibly rewarding and sometimes heartbreaking.  Many times I found myself in uncharted territory in ways I never imagined and sometimes I got through the day by just going with my gut instinct as I tried to be both Mom and Dad.  Whether it's something that happens at school, a decision to be made about a friend's party or sharing the car, I second guessed myself a lot.

 

Instead of saying, "I don't know.  I'll have to talk to your father about this," I would try to buy some time on making a decision by just being honest and saying, "You have to give me some more time to think about this."  Sometimes, I would call a friend and sometimes I would call one of my sisters but you definitely need someone you can talk to whose judgment you trust because you need parental feedback and I didn't have anyone else to help me figure it out.

 

I think widowed Dads probably learn to set up their own support systems and find other guys or family and friends to help them navigate the surprises of trying to work a job and raise children by themselves.

 

Taxi Dad is just one of thousands of Dads out there who try to arrange their work schedules to support their children's needs just as women do. 

As my ride and our conversation ended, it felt good to share our stories about how we handled our losses and connect for a short time with another parent who had also lost a spouse.  Me and Taxi Dad are doing our best and that's all we can ask of ourselves.

 

Here's to the Dads who man up every day and make it work!  

Grief In the Office

Even though your world probably stopped when you lost a loved one, the world around you has continued  with its usual routine.

 

I know it's kind of a shocker to find this out but it's true.

 

You are racked with pain but unfortunately you still have bills to pay and possibly children to feed and keep on track as best as possible.

 

 

In my case, my husband's funeral was on a Monday and the work project I was involved with required that I go into the office on the Thursday of that same week to participate in a conference call.  I did go into the office which felt totally surreal, and somehow kept it together.  The young girl who sat in the conference room with me during the call did her best to let me know she was sorry I had to sit in on the call but was still uncomfortable because I think she thought I was going to randomly start crying.

 

I didn't start crying but I wanted to.  There were no tears because I was afraid to cry.  I was fearful that if I showed my work colleagues what a mess I was, then I would lose my job and then I would really be up a proverbial creek.

 

Coming off the elevator to my work floor, I began to see that there were usually two reactions from my work colleagues: either people acknowledged to me in their own way that they were sorry to hear that my husband had died or they acted like nothing had happened.  There was no middle ground.

 

Having been through this experience, I have to say that the best reaction is the honest reaction: someone either hugs you, holds your hand, says "I'm sorry for your loss," or asks if there is anything they can do.  I never understood the people who came up and talked to me as though nothing had happened.  You may also find yourself dealing with a vibe that seems like you are contagious with some kind of disease that NO ONE wants to be exposed to.

 

Even if you are uncomfortable or nervous in talking to someone who has just lost a loved one, I think you can always manage to say something that indicates you are a human being and that you and others have feelings about what happens to them.

 

God knows that today's competitive workplace is hard enough to navigate.  Work is a place of business but work is also a place made up of human beings.  Offices with forward looking management probably have thought about this already and have policies in place to help co-workers deal with their colleagues personal crises.  Or maybe not.  If not, it's definitely time to pull one together.

 

The Washington Post's Karla L. Miller addresses the issue of work bereavement policies and how being unprepared can lead to hurt feelings and graceless comments from colleagues.  Here's the link to her column in the Washington Post magazine: 

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/atwork-advice-office-bereavement-policies-can-avoid-awkwardness-and-hurt/2013/04/30/4b97864c-a089-11e2-9c03-6952ff305f35_story.html 

 

 

Quietude

I am constantly reminding myself to chill out: when I am driving to and from work, when I am at work, or when I am in a situation where my expectations are not even close to matching up to reality.

 

Add to the equation a traumatic event such as the recent bombing at the Boston Marathon and the resulting increased security and it's no wonder that you, me and others are on edge.  Stressed out.  And the toll that stress takes on our physical health and mental well being is daunting.

 

I don't think I am alone in feeling this way.  No wonder people are finding it difficult to get along.  The work-hard-get-ahead lifestyle eventually catches up with you whether you admit it or not.  If you don't feel well, you're not going to act well.

 

So I'm thinking that we all can take it down a couple of notches and play better together.  One way that I try to play better with others is to remind myself to lower my voice.  If I can keep my voice in a monotone volume when talking to others then that does a lot to calm me.  I have a tendency to get excited when I am talking and then have a bad habit of raising my voice.  I'm getting better at achieving this but it's still something I need to constantly work on.

 

 

 

It's all about inner peace; a state of mentally and physically being in a calm place.  Peace of mind is generally associated with bliss and contentment.

 
Looking within myself to quiet my conflicts and trying always to smooth the rough edges is one way for me to try and get to a place of inner peace.  If I don't try to find and practice inner peace, then I can't very well go out in the world and deal with others in a civilized manner.  It really starts within me.

The words to John Lennon's infamous song, Imagine, come to mind:

 

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

 

From big worries in your life to small inner butterflies, together let's look within ourselves and give inner peace a chance.

 

Healing Therapy

 

Drawing By NYC Multiple Medium Artist Joe Mangrum

One of my sister has a shoulder that is frozen and she is going to a physical therapist to work through the incredibly stiff shoulder muscles and joint.  If the physical therapy doesn't work, then she may have to have surgery and she really doesn't want that to happen.

 

We were talking about her physical therapy and she was telling me about how the therapist told her that to really get the exercises to work and unlock the muscles and joint that the therapy would have to increase to another level and she asked my sister if she was prepared for the "wall of pain" that she would have to work through to achieve her goal.

 

My sister said she was prepared and she knew it was going to be bad; that it would be so painful that she probably would cry.  But she still is committed to the next level of therapy, know that it's going to be awful, but also feeling hopeful that this increased therapy could be successful.

 

This may sound random to you but the more that I talked to my sister about her "wall of pain"  the more I felt I was talking to her about processing grief.

 

New grief can be so painful that it feels as though a part of your body has been amputated and you are walking around in a state of hemorrhaging.  You need to just take each day as it comes and little by little, you will start to feel that the pain is decreasing. 

 

But there is still a core amount of pain that requires work from you.

 

I think this concept was the hardest part for me.  When my husband died, I was stumbling around and in a state of numbness.  Every day I was full of grief and pain.  What was I going to do?  I had just lost my husband and everything was falling apart.  I thought I could read about grief and think about grief and it would eventually disappear.  Not!

 

Months and months of just feeling terrible finally made me realize that I had to do some of the work myself.  I had to actively figure out how to make myself feel better.  I found a support group at a local hospital and in the beginning I talked to someone on the phone for one-on-one time.  Later on, I joined a group and went to sessions twice a month to talk about grief and rebuilding my life all over again.

 

It was exhausting but I am so glad that I took the first step and asked for help.

 

It's important for you to recognize that you need time to work through this loss of your loved one.  There is no way to know how long it will take you to process your feelings.  Everyone grieves differently and takes different paths in their grief journey.  I do think it's fair to say that healing can come in cycles of ups and downs.

 

You have to confront your "wall of pain" and feel it.  The processing of this pain is hard for you are giving yourself permission to remember all the good things and all the bad things that your loved one was to you.  Write it down, shout it out, talk to a therapist, talk to a friend, paint it, take a shower and cry or go running and cry.

 

But get it out. 

 

Vent your feelings and thoughts and work through you "wall of pain."  You are releasing the pain and the hurt and the anger and the frustration and the confusion of not knowing what you are supposed to do next.

 

And in releasing your "wall of pain" you are empowering yourself and moving forward. 

 

For grief that you hold within yourself only keeps hurting and hurting.

 

 

Courtesy of NYC Multiple Medium Artist Joe Mangrum

 

 

I Think I Can

Happy Friday Everyone!!

It feels good to reach the end of a work week, especially when we have a three day week-end in front of us.  Most of us will not have to go to work on Monday since it is Inauguration Day, the day when President Obama is sworn into his second term in the White House.

 

Whether you agree with President Obama's politics or not, I think everyone would agree that it takes courage and perseverence to have a dream and then set goals necessary to try and make that dream happen.

 

Big dreams or small dreams, I wish you all the luck in the world in making them become real.  I think you can do it and that's always an important first step.  After all, you will never know what will happen unless you try.

Here are two classic children's poems to give you a boost and get you going:

TRY, TRY AGAIN
'Tis a lesson you should heed,
Try, try again;
If at first you don't succeed,
Try, try again;
Then your courage should appear,
For, if you will persevere,
You will conquer, never fear;
Try, try again.

Once or twice though you should fail,
Try, try again;
If you would at last prevail,
Try, try again;
If we strive, 'tis no disgrace
Though we do not win the race;
What should you do in the case?
Try, try again.

Time will bring you your reward,
Try, try again.
All that other folks can do,
Why, with patience, should not you?
Only keep this rule in view;
Try, try again.

--Anonymous

 

 

 

 

IT CAN BE DONE

 

The man who misses all the fun

Is he who says, "It can't be done."

In solemn pride he stands aloof

And greets each venture with reproof.

Had he the power he'd efface

The history of the human race;

We'd have no radio or motor cars,

No street lit by electric stars;

No telegraph nor telephone,

We'd linger in the age of stone.

The world would sleep if things were run

By men/women who say, "It can't be done."

 

 

Getting A Life

"Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast? Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water gap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your Dad. Get a life in which you are generous."

 

                                             ~ Excerpt from Anna Quindlen's Villanova Commencement Speech, 2000

 

 

 

Baby Practices Picking Up Cheerios

 

 

I worked a few hours in the office yesterday and then was able to leave early.  I didn't feel guilty at all about cutting the work day short.  I was looking forward to meeting my son at the movies.  We saw "Les Miserables" and I enjoyed it but I prefer the stage version of the iconic story about the French Revolution.

 

While waiting in the lobby, I let my mind wander and watched the cold, rainy weather outside.  I could feel my shoulders relax as I looked up at the clear slanted ceiling and my eyes followed the sliding raindrops down the glass.  After a few minutes, my mind seemed to empty of office concerns and I starting thinking about the importance of mentally and physically breaking from my work schedule.

 

I could work all the time if I wanted to.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with work and I am happy to have my job.  I have a strong work ethic and get a lot of satisfaction from doing my job and doing it well.  But there comes a point when you need to recharge and you can't do that if you are always working and always pushing yourself to do more work.

I find that working constantly starts to make me inefficient.  I start to get tired, I get headaches easily and I start to answer people in a short manner.   When I start experiencing those symptoms, I know it's time to take a break and do some of the things that Anna Quindlen suggests in her quote above: pick up the phone, call a friend or a family member, write an email, connect with another person.

I need to work to support myself financially but I also need to remember -- especially during the holidays -- to take a break and enjoy the treasures of my life.
 

Fab Friday

What can I say except that I am oh so very glad that today is Friday!!

It's the end of a work week that has no word to describe it.

Could it be that as the year is coming to an end, people are looking at the calendar and suddenly deciding they want to wrap up their business concerns or invoices?  Could it be the whole "fiscal cliff " fiasco?  I don't know but whatever it is, this week has been incredibly freakin' busy.

I arrive in the office thinking it's going to be one kind of day and then it ends up being another kind of day.  What do you call that kind of dynamic?  You know, the kind of day when every activity starts to blend into the next one and you just try to ride the mojo.

People In Motion
By Yael Mann

I'm happy to have my job but this week stands out for the increased pace.

 

This is also the time of year when I think to myself, "Why didn't you start some of your Christmas shopping in November?"  I truly admire those people who are able to start Christmas projects months ahead of time and then store them away for the holidays.  Or the people who start baking weeks ahead of time and then take comfort in all the goodies that have in the freezer ready just in time for holiday parties.

 

Organization is at the top of my list of things to do this weekend and maybe some exercise to burn off the extra calories I have been indulging in during December.

 

What are your weekend plans?

Roll The Dice

 

 

A Road in County Kerry, Ireland

 

I am comfortable with the fact that part of achieving something in life means taking a risk.  I'm not talking about a risk to your personal safety or health but an action that is out of your routine and a little out of your comfort zone in your personal or work lives.

 

I think that living life means that you should take a chance on something you want to achieve.  I am watching four extremely talented people in my life right now who are really putting themselves out there and working creatively as well as very hard to accomplish something very big for themselves and it's exciting to watch. 

 

But taking chances, on occasion, means that you also need to be prepared for the idea that it might not work out.  That can be okay because I would rather take a chance and find out what happens when I roll the dice on a dream than not take a chance at all. 

 

I feel it's better to look at the information you have, access the risk, and go for it rather than look back later and regret that you didn't try something different or new.

 

We all suffer setbacks now and then.  That's life.  The setbacks help us appreciate our triumphs and the hard work, imagination and support that what went into achieving them.

 

Think about what is really important to you and go from there.

 

Find what is right for you. . . .

 

Staying True

 

Thought For The Day

 

(With Thanks To The Silver Pen)

 

 

Everyone should have a dream or two.  They can help motivate you and keep you moving forward.

 

Sometimes you can have a dream for fun as in "If I ever hit the lottery, this is what I would do."  I always say to myself that if I ever won the lottery or all of sudden inherited a lot of money, I would buy a house at the beach.

 

Then, there are the everyday dreams you can have about your personal life or your work.  Try to be realistic and not "pie in the sky" about what it is you really want.  Breaking down your everyday dreams into manageable goals could be one way of achieving them.  Think about what works for you.

 

But don't give up on your dreams.  They are important for healing your soul and keep you on course.

 

Work Can Be Rewarding

Work itself is the reward.  If I choose challenging work it will pay me back with interest.  At least I'll be interested even if nobody else is.  And this attempt for excellence is what sustains the most well lived and satisfying, successful lives.

                                                  ~ Meryl Streep

I am a big believer in working hard.  Besides getting a lot accomplished, working hard makes you challenge your brain and your talents to the best of your ability.  Dirty things become clean and disorganized piles of papers and clothes become organized.  Working hard can also give your mind something else to think about when you are processing your grief.

When my husband died a number of years ago, I continued to work outside the home because I needed to support myself and my son and it also kept me moving forward.  It brought structure into my daily routine at a time when most other things were constantly changing.  There were times when it was jarring; especially when it was time to leave work and go home.  For a split second while walking to my car, I would always think about calling my husband to tell him I was leaving and then I would remember that he was no longer here.

But work continued to be cathartic for me during that time and I was very happy to have it.  Given the ups and downs of the economy in the past several years, I'm still thankful to have a job.  I know there are some people who take their work to an extreme and lose themselves in it after they have experienced the loss of a loved one.  This is easy to do because you don't want to think about what is really going on in your life and constantly working helps you block the pain.  For my son's sake, I was careful to make sure I didn't go that way.

That said, it's important to do something you really love or something that makes you feel as though you are always learning something new.  I have a job where I work in an office downtown and I am paid to do that work.  But I am not paid to write this blog.  I write this blog because I enjoy it and because I need to write it.  I started Cry, Laugh, Heal in December 2010 to help people become more comfortable talking about grief and how you can rebuild your life after losing a loved one. 

People can tell if you approach your work with a certain amount of pride or if you could care less about what you do. I hope you can tell how much I love my readers and how much thought I put into trying to help others who are also on a grief journey.  I never want anyone to feel as though they are alone or that there is no hope for the future.  There is always hope!!!!!!!

Whether your work is mental, physical or a combination of both, it can feel so good to put in a hard day's work.  Once in awhile I do wonder what it would be like if I didn't have to work.  Of course, it would be great, but I would still need to find something meaningful to do.  I know I would still write Cry, Laugh Heal.

As the wise and wonderful Meryl Streep says, work can be a reward in itself especially when you achieve that "good tired" feeling.

Daddy's Office Time

From a child's point of view, the place where their parents work can be a place they dislike because it pulls the parent away from them.  Parents spend a lot of time at work and children may feel that they are competing with what goes on in the office.  "If you didn't have to work, you could be with me," is sometimes what a child thinks.

But what if your memories of your parent and their relationship with their work and their office is positive and you can't imagine your parent doing anything else but being in their office?  Your parent may love their job and their passion for their work may inspire you to try to find something that you can be equally passionate about.

Work world is where your parent and other adults are busy working on computers, talking on phones, doing things you don't quite understand but you want to be part of it because your parent loves being in this world.

In honor of Father's Day, this New York Times story captures a little girl's precious memories of her father and playing office so she could become just like him:

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/04/26/for-one-more-day-at-the-office/

Class of 2012

For the past week or so I have been happily reading the Facebook postings of friends writing about their children's graduations from college.  It's an exciting time for all of my friends and their children and I congratulate all on reaching Diploma Day!

Now this weekend it's my turn and I really can't believe it.  It's feels as though life is on fast forward and I intend to hang on and enjoy the ride.

I am reading the commencement letter outlining Fordham University's May 18 and 19 graduation ceremonies and already I'm feeling a mix of conflicting emotions.  My son is really and truly going to graduate from college.  Wow!  Part of me wonders how this day arrived so quickly and the other part of me says of course it's time for him to graduate.  Part of me is relieved that I don't have to worry about those monthly payments any more (a lot of pasta was eaten to stay in the budget) and the other part will miss traveling to New York City for occasional weekend visits.

It's all part of life's super duper fantastical adventure and I'm just going to roll with it.  I am going to stay in the moment and not think about how wonderful it would be if my son's father were here to see him accept his diploma.  I know he's as proud of our son as I am and I'm sure he has played an important but invisible role in guiding our son to this amazing day.  He will surely be with us in spirit and loving every minute of the graduation ceremony.

The only advice advice I want to pass along to my son and this year's graduates is this: friends and family make your world go round and make sure that whatever you do, you do it with passion.

About ten years ago, Pulitzer Prize winner and bestselling author Anna Quindlen gave the commenment speech at Villanova.  It's no surprise that her speech was superb and every once in while I will take it off my bulletin board and read it for inspiration.  Here a little bit of Quindlen's insightful speech:

"So here's what I wanted to tell you today: get a life.  A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house.  Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurism one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?"

"Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the watergap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger."

"Get a life in which you are not alone.  Find people you love, and who love you.  And remember that love is nor leisure, it is work."

"Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others.  Pick up the phone.  Send an email.  Write a letter. Kiss your Mom.  Hug your Dad.

Get a life in which you are generous.  Look around at the azaleas in the suburban neighborhood where you gew up; look at a full moon hanging silver in a black, black sky on a cold night.  And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted."

Congratulations Class of 2012!!!!

You Did It!!!

Now Show Us What You've Got!!!!